I've been in Newcomers for a while. Just signed D papers 10 days ago. Was here 10 years ago under a different nick (toughlover). It has been a rough 10 years but this year was our 20th anniversary and things had really been looking up for the last several years, or so I thought. Discovered sexual text messages between XW and her co-worker at a church where they work full time in church leadership. The co-worker was/is the husband of a friend of hers. Also found her passed out drunk.
I gave her a boundary after that: she needed to deal with the drinking and the infidelity with outside help and come clean with me about what's been going on--or get the advice of a MC we both agreed with about that--before I would continue moving forward in the relationship with her. She went to one AA meeting but said it wasn't for her. Supposedly went to IC but wouldn't discuss it with me. 3 months later, she announced she was leaving, and left to go stay with a friend. There was no discussion aside from her telling me "there was no affair, nothing to see here, you're overreacting because of where we've been before." My response was: I think you're under-reacting, especially considering where we've been before.
So she left in early Oct. Sent papers back and forth in November. And I just signed them 10 days ago...just in time for the holidays.
Have 2 grown sons over 18 who are upset by this. Oldest sees her minimally, youngest barely speaks to her but does meet her for lunch or dinner occasionally. Both have been spending a lot more time here with me, so I've enjoyed seeing them more. Silver lining I guess.
I'm still bummed from time to time but overall doing well with it all. Went to IC myself for a couple of months and once again (have been here before) got help with how to handle things with her as well as learn to accept the truth: that unless she made some extraordinary effort, she was never going to be faithful to me. She never really showed much remorse for doing those things. Acted with a real sense of defiance and entitlement once this came out (again).
Aside from her shenanigans, my life is really pretty good. Work is good and I enjoy it, have enjoyed mild success at it. Kids are healthy and I have a pretty good relationship with them. Have supportive family and some friends. Activities I enjoy although I work an awful lot (but I enjoy it a lot).
Don't feel 'divorced' Not particularly sad but not sh!tting giggles either. Have plenty of decisions still to make (sell or refinance house, etc?) so not particularly focused on the future right now. Just taking things one day at a time. Kids are spending Xmas with me so looking forward to that.
Hi there! So sorry it finally came to this, but better to know at this point.
My story was a little bit similar - H's affair, DB'd my butt off, reconciliation and several good/great years together, then H went down the MLC wormhole as he approached 50/had work disappointments/kids were leaving the nest.
As hard as I worked to keep the marriage together, I feel peace in my heart that I did all I could do. And once I truly let go ("Let Go or Be Dragged" was my mantra) my life became better and better. Midlife dating was...well...an adventure, but since I had already endured the worst that could happen to a relationship, I felt pretty fearless. After a few years of dating, I met my current boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, who treats me like a princess and makes me realize all the things that were missing in my relationship with my ex.
I learned to play the drums and now play in a punk-rock cover band. I've also played with a professional singer/songwriter friend and done brief tours with her. The practice I started shortly before Ex's MLC has steadily grown and, although I don't make exorbitant amounts of money, it's enough for me to feel safe. I manage my money frugally and well without the interruptions of ex's financial impulses.
I try to keep my kids in a place where they interact well with their father. One son is currently not speaking to my ex but I am trying to give son some perspective without invalidating his grievances.
There is something wonderful about owning your own life again, after a long marriage of accommodating the other person and trying to keep them happy. This is your opportunity to do ANY CRAZY THING YOU WANT.
Think carefully about big financial decisions. Could you refinance the house and get a roommate to help pay the mortgage? Or is the house really too much for you and should you downsize? Only you can make those decisions. We sold our home and split the equity - I actually bought a bigger house in a much less expensive part of town and would like to have it paid off before I retire, although the timeline on that has gotten pushed out quite a bit. The reason for the bigger house was a need to provide a safe landing place for my three kids in their 20's and my mom - and sure enough, a few years after buying it, my 83 y.o. mother lives with me (she still drives and works half-time though!), and 2 of my three sons currently live with me (one will be moving back out soon). The house is large enough for all of us, and I figure, in the future, I could downsize or rent out rooms if I wanted.
Thanks for the reply. I remember you from 2006/2007 I think!
I do believe this round was kicked off by an MLC for the XW as well. She turned 40 this year; started dying the few grey strands out of her hair, obsessing about her weight (she was not overweight in the least...I thought she actually looked better than ever...had a short, cute, milfy thing going)...several other typical signs. For the last few years her besties have all been single women with troubled marriages, divorced, widowed, etc. At least one was a cheater herself.
I actually had a pretty good life all along and have been doing new things I wanted...most really revolve around work. I work for startups mainly and so there's been a lot of interesting challenges and opportunities there, some travel, learning new skills etc. Been really great overall.
As far as doing any crazy thing I want...honestly, I did all that in my early to mid-twenties. Got whatever I really wanted to out of my system. I was 28 when we married and I was ready to be married. Perhaps it's too new and things will change, but I really loved being married and love typical family life.
Hard at this time of year but I'm adapting. Adapt or die.
But family life suits me and always has. So far just been reconnecting with old friends (having my 30 year HS reunion this year helped), doing a bit more with newer friends, spending a lot of time with my sons...one of whom had been a bit distant for a while but this has brought him back in a bit so it's been really nice to have more time with him.
I love asian food and now have to cook for myself (XW was an awesome, awesome cook) so will prob take an Asian cooking class. Really, though, I've had a blessed life and have gotten to do most everything I really wanted to over the years.
Will be interesting to see if the bucket list gets longer and more adventurous as I head into my 50s.
Hi tl2, Just saw that you've moved to a new neighbourhood in the forum. Maybe I should join you and be your neighbour. I have been divorced for 4 months now?
I'm like you. I am a family person and hate having to put myself out there to meet new people. I like my me-time but I so freaking miss kid when she's not around.
You really are doing great amd thanks for the lifelines you've thrown me when I was floundering.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Always delightful to hear from you. You should definitely be my neighbor! You're one of my favs.
Yeah I didn't see much point in posting in Newcomers any more. The deed is done, nothing to bust anymore. She clearly moved on a long, long time ago even though she just moved out a couple months ago. I'm moving on as well.
Consequences and fallout remain of course. I learned (weeks after everyone else in her family did) that my ex-FIL has a serious heart condition that could result in death at any time. He is currently awaiting treatment. He and I were (are?) very close and I love him very much. He's been like a second father to me in many ways. We used to hunt together, fish together, talk about life and kids and religion and politics. He was honest and direct with me as well as compassionate and kind. When the XW and I married, she and her dad were somewhat estranged and I encouraged her to reach out and make peace, which she eventually did. I encouraged them to come visit as often as possible and never missed a chance to visit them. A couple of years ago I started renting a place at the beach specifically so the X and I could go and invite our parents down to spend a few days because I didn't think we got to see them enough these days, they're getting on in years so time is more precious, and they've done so many nice things for me/us over the years I wanted to do something for them.
So they mean a lot to me, and he does in particular, and it was difficult learning of the illness itself, and doubly so being I was the last to hear about it. Heard it from my son but later got a text from the XW about it. Knowing what my relationship with exFIL is I of course was irritated that it took so long for her to let me know, and had to invoke the mantra (Not my circus. Not my monkeys...aka, Not my bats. Not my belfry).
I will be visiting him over the holidays since I will be up at my parents' and they live just a couple of miles away from my ex in-laws.
A strange existence, this post-D world. Adapt or die.
tl2, sorry to hear about your ex-fil. Hope you'll have a nice visit with him as well as with your parents.
Yes, it is a strange landscape, post-D, isn't it? What do you do with (ex) relatives who are collateral damage?
I am (was?) quite close to my ex-fil as well as he was the one who helped the X and me get this far. And he loves my kid, so how do you dislike someone who loves your kid? And my niece and nephew from the X's side, I miss them too.
And though I refer to him as my ex-fil, face to face, I still call him 'dad' because anything else sounds awkward.
Good that you can still visit your ex-ILs. Me, I am quite the exile now.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
What do you do with (ex) relatives who are collateral damage?
Yes, this has been difficult for me. When I visit my parents and have to run to the store, I basically drive by the ex-ILs house and I have the urge to stop by and visit like I used to. Often when I went there I would stay with the ILs myself. Now I'm welcome but on the outside and it's clearly not the same. Something else lost.
They both made it clear to me early on that they weren't taking sides really, that they were simply saddened by the situation. Of course, she's their daughter, so there's that...but she's been doing extreme things since she was a teenager and I think they have a sense of what I've been dealing with...as they have also been aware of my mistakes in the past. They also know my track record, though, and have seen me standing for something, hanging in and working to build up. So while they don't want to get in the middle of things, I think they at least sympathize.
I've wanted to see them previously but I didn't want to put them in an awkward position and thought it best I keep my distance. Gave them a quick call at Thanksgiving...sent a Christmas card.
But I'm mainly visiting because of the illness. It's quite serious and he's awaiting a procedure/operation. The diagnosis was missed several months ago and he actually could've died at any time. He's late 60s, long time smoker, has already had one minor heart attack and one major. I think he will make it to the surgery and that will be resolved for now, but this could also be the last time I see him, and that is very sad for me.
I ran into the XW at the store last night. Stopped in after a night out with friends...this was the first random encounter...in years I guess, but certainly since signing the papers 2 weeks ago.
I was buying groceries for Xmas dinner with my kids. Went down an aisle and hit the main aisle and she was right there. Dressed oddly for her, like she was much younger than 40 (we live in a college town; also she just moved into some apartments with a lot of college-aged people according to my son. May be part of the suspected MLC, or may be nothing.).
I did a double-take because I recognized her but her outfit threw me. I kept heading in her general direction (was on my way to a specific aisle) and said, Hi. She stopped and turned slightly like she was going to talk. She said, How are you? I nodded and said, Doing well, thanks...and just turned and kept going.
The whole thing gave me a sick feeling. Seeing her makes me uncomfortable but I can't really say it's anger or sadness or anything specific. This D hasn't slowed me down too much, but I clearly am still dragging more baggage than I thought else I wouldn't have felt bad the rest of the night.
Not particularly sad but not sh!tting giggles either. Have plenty of decisions still to make (sell or refinance house, etc?) so not particularly focused on the future right now. Just taking things one day at a time. Kids are spending Xmas with me so looking forward to that.