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Buddy,

do what feels right. I would not spend the time with the W, but that's just me...

How long does this process take you ask? At least a year IMO, anything sooner would be a rebound relationship and that is wrong, because you would be getting into a relationship for totally the wrong reasons (to lessen the hurt, to scratch that itch, to take the edge off,...). You have to heal first and then start making new connections. And healing takes different times for different people...

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AU Bob Offline OP
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Its been 7 months since she walked out. But the EA started over a year ago, still not sure if it is a PA or not, kids have asked her numerous times and she denies it, but that seems to be the norm with cheaters.
Im in a better place now, but that's been fairly recent.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
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D17 got home this afternoon and said that mum said OM has a new girlfriend. Is this an attempt at taking the heat out of her suspicions about what her mother is up to?


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
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Any opinions?
Please be patient with me, i am still waiting for my copy of DR to turn up.
So if I am asking questions that would seem a bit ignorant this is why.
I am still trying to figure if I actually want to R.
I feel I need to take into account my future happiness as well, I mean if she is still the same and dose not want to make genuine changes for the sake of the relationship, i may be better off without her anyway.
These are the thoughts that have come to me as I have become emotionally stronger as time moves on.
This is why I am here, I know it takes time, but that dose not stop you from trying to understand where you are at!


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Joined: Jun 2014
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My opinions are as follows:

Let your W go. You can't control her. She may or may not come back. She may or may not become a partner you could reconnect with. If your happiness is tied to her behavior you will go crazy, and you will blame her for your unhappiness. So just let go and live your own life happily.

Don't burn bridges. You are in NO position to date. You are in no position to make decisions about the future of your M. You are emotional, needy, in pain, and desperate for something to fill the hole in your life. Don't put garbage in that hole. Learn to fill it on your own with GAL activity, little by little. That is how you will be able to proceed in a healthy way, whatever that path may look like down the road. As long as you feel your sitch is unlivable that is a clue that you are being reactive and likely making bad choices. Make your sitch livable first, then you'll know you're in control of your life.

This all boils down to DETACHING and GAL. Nothing new. Rebound relationships and emotional lifelong decisions trying to change the lay of the land so you will feel differently are exactly the WRONG path.

You are married, that means you stand by your vows regardless of your feelings, and when she's not strong enough to hold the M together you step up. You can't both crumble. My mantras are "act with the character I wish she had" and "I can't expect her to act with character if I can't". The second one also translates to "I can't expect her to transcend her dependence on OM in a healthy way if I can't transcend my dependence on her in a healthy way".

So let me ask AUBob, can you just let her go on her path, avoid lifelong decision about your future, and avoid any bridge burning, and lead by example for 3-6-12 months? Or is your neediness and pain going to rule your future so that you rationalize making excuses and breaking your vows?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Thank you Zues
Thats what i needed to hear and understand.
I am weak at the moment and like you said looking for someone to lean on. I caught up with BIL yesterday who I have not heard from in 6 months, my SIL text me for my birthday and BIL said he wanted to catch up I was able to talk to him for a few hours and never brought up my sitch, so I am getting stronger.
I have thrown myself into the restoration of my pickup truck, and visit friends quite a bit, my social outings to the pub have increased quite a bit as well, i now attend a local trivia night once a week, go to the gym everyday, and spend loads of time with daughters and grandchildren, so my life is quite full.
I just miss having a life partner!


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
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WAW dropped in to give D17 some money yesterday, spoke to her for a bit I seem to be getting over my anxiety when I am around her now. I felt quite comfortable speaking to her, she seemed to be more anxious than me.
Dose this mean I am beginning to dethatch?
I seem to feel a lot more confident. I am starting to feel free again, free of my fears.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
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Im starting to get a little worried and dissapointed.
I have my D17 living with me. I have to take care of her and her day to day needs. WAW has been increasingly comming and takeing her away for most of the weekends, i have not been too worried about it until now. I have noticed that D has been saying things that make me think she is trying to make her look like she has done nothing wrong, justification.
D was talking to me the other day and said that Her mother was telling her about OM's new girlfriend, it's news to me, there is none, it's her mother! Just another attempt to cover it up and take the heat off her.
The other thing was D now has an opinion on falling out of love with some one, every one has a right to an opinion, but there is always two sides to the story, and she dosent want to hear mine.
Im starting to wonder if she is better off with her. Im getting a bit down on it because im doing all the parenting hard slog and WAW is taking her away and getting all the social stuff and starting to fill her head with all sorts of lies and she is falling for it.
Im starting to wonder if i should just get moving on selling the house and getting out get my own place and let her go live with her mother, let her take the responsibility, and not just the good times.
I find it hard to get her to do much with me, mom takes her shopping and buys her stuff and spends loads of money on her, i cant compete with that.
D seems to have forgotten what her mother is doing with OM.
What should i do?


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
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Your issues with WW have nothing to do with daughter. Your relationship with D is totally separate. Do NOT use your D to meet your needs to be validated. You are there to be her parent and meet her needs.

She is a teenage girl. Of course she is going to be opinionated, and what you say will be stupid to her. I wouldn't worry about winning her over to your way of thinking.

Like most DB, the trick is to lead with actions, not words.

Instead of telling her that it's wrong to end an M because you 'fall out of love', just act it. Stand by your M. Do it quietly, without telling WW or D (remember WW needs to feel she's lost you at some point). But don't date other women, or make your life revolve around your sitch. GAL, take care of yourself, and set an example. The fact that she's confused means she needs your example more than ever.

Years down the road she'll come to you for R advice, or at least will remember back to how you acted. It will make a difference. THAT's why you're doing it as a parent. And for yourself it's because it's the right thing for a man to do. Not for immediate gratification. If this was about immediate gratification than you're no different than WW.

Bottom line, do what you know the right thing for a man to do is, and let your actions speak for you. You can't force anyone to listen to those actions, but you at least have to act them.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
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WAW called last night and asked if i had some anti inflametry tablets her arthritis had flared up and her joints had swollen. Her car just ran out of registration and she cant drive it.
I said ok but i would have to drop in later had a couple things to do, i went up about an hour later and dropped the pills off, i told her i only did it because she was in pain and left straight away, she said than you.
Should i have done this? Or should i just have told her I was busy.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
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