I had lunch with someone today and I think I like him. But I wanted to take some time to think about it before I thought I did. Now I'm sitting here and I can't sit still because I'd like to see him again. How soon is too soon?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I had lunch with someone today and I think I like him. But I wanted to take some time to think about it before I thought I did. Now I'm sitting here and I can't sit still because I'd like to see him again. How soon is too soon?
Don't put an artificial time frame on it, MB. You are D, you've been through hell for way too long, it's only too soon if you aren't enjoying yourself. Have fun, sweetie, you deserve it.
I had lunch with someone today and I think I like him. But I wanted to take some time to think about it before I thought I did. Now I'm sitting here and I can't sit still because I'd like to see him again. How soon is too soon?
Time to share some post-D dating lessons! The one lesson that might apply here is to pace your emotions to the situation. I've learnt not to get overly invested too soon - it is a little known fact that may fall harder and earlier than women on average. So now I think to myself that I've only met this girl once or twice, so I should have a commensurate response to it. I've had many disappointments (no regrets -- well maybe one ) and it's part of dating. Not getting too involved before realizing I didn't like the girl all this much or that she was slipping away has helped me to avoid a lot of hurt. This being said, as time goes by and you grow closer, it's OK to get more invested.
Writing it all here it sounds evident, but it was new to me after going all in very early in my previous relationships.
On a more technical level, I recommend that you more or less alternate your communications with him. Reach out to him, then let him respond. Next time, let him initiate. Every now and then, it's ok to initiate twice in a row, but I wouldn't go much further until you have established some kind of relationship. Holding back will let him know that you're not overly attached, that he's a nice presence in your life, but not the center of it.
Keep us posted!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks, Mozza, that was very timely! Men fall harder and earlier than women? That's surprising to me but I believe you. We have been alternating communications, and for the most part I stop first. We'll see what happens.
Mr. Fantastic had started asking if he could alternate having one or two of the kids for dinner once a week, in addition to having all three of them together for dinner once a week. I knew it was only a matter of time till this blew up, and now it already is. Sometimes he takes one kid, sometimes another, sometimes two at a time. He doesn't choose who in any order and he doesn't keep track. Everybody has had one turn, and twice he's taken two kids. Tonight, without any discussion except with D12, he's taking her, and they have Christmas shopping plans. S9 has been really missing him, especially since they didn't see him at all for almost two weeks because he traveled for Thanksgiving, and he only called once. This morning S9 was near tears because it wasn't D12's "turn." I asked him if he'd talked to his dad about it and he said he tried to but that his dad just told him that he'd had a turn and that tonight it was going to be her. (I can imagine exactly how this conversation sounded; S9 emotional and a little whiny and Mr. Fantastic trying to be firm).
I told S9 that I was sorry and I didn't know what to tell him, that I didn't control his dad. He said "Ok," but he sounded kind of miserable about it. Is there anything I should do? Should I reach out to him? Our communications now are basically through email. I don't think he can stand to talk to me any more than I can stand to look at him. I doubt he'd welcome my input much. What about anything I can say to S9? I do try to comfort him and I've made it very clear how important he is to me, but it's not me that he wants.
Interestingly enough, S7 seems to be managing all right with the level of attention he's getting. He accepts it when it's there and doesn't complain about missing it when it's not. He's excited when it is time to visit his dad and leaves him without expression of regret when that time is over. I'm not sure if this is good or not.
Advice welcome...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell - I'm so sorry S9 feels the unfairness. I'm not sure you should reach out to his Dad about it, it may come off as controlling and fall on deaf ears. Could you talk to S9 about him taking to his Dad?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I told Mr. Fantastic last night when he dropped off D12 that he had to figure out a way to spend one on one time with S9. I said that of all the kids he was the one who missed him the most and that he was really upset. He said OK. D12 offered to help with S7 this weekend to make that happen for S9.
I hate that I did that because I don't think Mr. F should be helped, but I hate seeing my child suffer more. S9 has been clear. Mr. F should be able to see how he's hurting. I can't believe it's possible to be so callous to one's own child.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I think you did the right thing. I don't put myself in the relationship between STBX and my older two, but I occasionally do for D13, and you bet I would for a 9-year old. You did it for S9, not Mr. Fantastic, and that's what's right. Good job, sweetie.
Now, how's everything else? Work? House? Dating? Are you feeling positive about your life, MB?
I'm still not working but I'm working on a plan. The house... I need help. But when I look at it now compared to three months ago, I'm way better off.
Dating is interesting. I kissed him tonight for the first time! Which I had forgotten was nice, and also, it was hard to stop. He was very gentlemanly I don't know what will happen there but I'm willing to keep on with no judgment.
I think my life is moving in a positive direction.
BTW, curious... I was talking to a friend who asked if Mr. Fantastic knew I was dating. He warned me that Mr. F might get upset once he finds out. Did anyone have that experience?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” - Nelson Mandela
"Would you rather be right, or happy?"
I hope you'll let go soon of the resentment you have for Mr. Fantastic. It's for your own sake. He doesn't suffer from your resentment. In fact, it gives him power over you. But it does hurt you: it keeps him in your thoughts longer than it should. It fills you with negative emotions. Only you. Your resentment is not going to change him, but it's changing you.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
) and it's part of dating. Not getting too involved before realizing I didn't like the girl all this much or that she was slipping away has helped me to avoid a lot of hurt. This being said, as time goes by and you grow closer, it's OK to get more invested.