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So today my W was unhappy with something I had done and it made me think over the past 25 years we have been together we have done things in a certain way and we manged to stay together .so it got me thinking what if I had done things differently what is to say that we would not have split up sooner...she told me I was not there for her in the evenings and did not do enough with the kids....suppose I had given her all the love and affection and every night I had spent the whole evening with her who is to say she would really have been any happier she may have ended things years ago stating that I was too clingy and never gave her any freedom to be her own woman was too crowding

If I had spent more time with her then perhaps my habits and mannerisms would have driven her away sooner

Day by day changing myself to be the best ghost possable


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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Ghost, you are right, you never know. Nobody knows what is going on in your wife's head, probably not even her. You could have done everything perfectly and still ended up here. But now you know to listen and to be strong and you will do better. Better on your own, better with your next relationship, better with your kids. You will do better now and still you will not know the future. I am proud of you Ghost. You are growing and you are moving forward little by little. I hope you see that.



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ATPeace Offline OP
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Pho I can see that I am making some progress how much of this is because we are both still in the same house I do not know

All I know is right now we are like ships passing in the night and I hate the fact that I cannot fix this

I am seeing things a little clearer I just don't want to be on this road

I am reading a book codependent no more and it talks a little bit about the child inside my child is putting up so much resistance

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
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Ghost, I've been reading about the inner child too. What was your childhood like?

I've come to realize that mine was really fun because my Dad was a fun drunk, until he suddenly wasn't fun and turned really mean. At that point I'd turn invisible until fun Dad came back. Ironically, that is what I am doing with DB'ing and I think that is where I am stuck. I shouldn't be invisible right now, I should be very very visible. I should be loud, and happy and out there for all to see, instead of hiding on my laptop or crying in my room waiting for my H to "snap out of it." My inner child's coping skill is keeping me stuck right now.

Sorry to hijack your thread. But I am on a roll with this psychological stuff this week. I bet your inner child is a lot like mine. Quiet and not a trouble maker. I would like to see him come out to play.



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Pho dito my inner child is defiantly keeping me stuck this and along with being codependent

My childhood,was,not great my dad used to be abusive to my mum and I was always made to fear him

He made me feel small and he would embarrass me he really was not a nice man.

I posted this on another thread and I am starting to understand this...

My W and I were together for 25 years and married for 17 during this time right now she will tell me that all of this was [censored] and she was in the worst marriage Posable ....Sorry this is utter BS,she will believe and think what she thinks right now.

The fact is I could have done things totally different I could have spent every evening with her and who is to say that after five years of being married she would not have turned round to me and said you are crowding me you're not giving me my space I want out the marriage so for us to be together for 25 years we must've done something right she just does not see this.

This is a journey that she is on and I have no control over this and I do need to understand that she is bringing up things that have happened 10 and years ago things that she says she can remember quite clearly and says I said this or I said that

She wants for a better life and she feels that being without me will,give her this


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,453
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Woke up this morning wanted to post my W did not work so she was at home so did not feel the need to reach out to her by msg

So my daughter just had her birthday seeing all the msgs on facebook wishing herr a happy birthday and my daughter replying just made me think that when my W has her birthday next year she will do the same things and will go out without me for meals drinks and have lots of people make her feel loved

I have learnt of the mistakes that I made and I have changed my whole way of thinking I am changing myself I am a better person and will remain a better person with or without my W

I just want my W back so we are a family for my two year old

She wants to be apart I do not get to decide

I cannot talk to her no point in that time to reset

Ghost

Last edited by Ghost56; 11/22/15 07:44 AM.

Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
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Ghost

It's Sunday - go for a walk. It'll help clear your head. You're so full of fear of the unknown, it's stopping you in your tracks. Tackle the things you can control and stop making out you're some kind of monster. I do hope you've stopped going to the 'battered wives' classes.

You don't realise that she is still controlling you by your inability to switch off from her actions. A WW/WAW will play with your emotions. It's a game. If you don't like the game, stop playing it.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Ghost! You do have a choice. Next time it is one of your children's birthdays, plan your own thing. Start some new "Dad" traditions. With the older kids tailor it to their interests. Take your daughter on a horse trail ride, or a horse show. Take your sons to a concert or sporting event or camping trip. You don't have to compete with their birthday celebrations with Mom, just do your own thing. Something different than what they do with their mom. Go ahead post it on Facebook or even better don't, because you are creating memories and relationships with your kids, that is the important thing. Instead of feeling left out, look at as a chance to do something new. And it could be simple too, as simple as taking them out for a special breakfast. Take pictures, lots of them, be present and not a "ghost."

Do this for Christmas too. A christmas play, ice skating, a visit with Santa, there are endless opportunities, find something that your wife isn't already doing with them and make it a new "Dad" tradition. If you and your W end up reconciling, keep it up. Your kids need that special bond with you. Don't leave all of the memory making to your W.



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ATPeace Offline OP
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Thank you pho

I am in house with my W and so long as we are nare t talking about the r lotions hip then we get along ...but what do I talk to her about

Yesterday I asked if we could have a chat about how things are going and it blew us in my face

All I want to do is try and make things better but she stone walls me and says this is as good as it gets

Talking does not help ...I just feel the less we talk the less she will want to do this in house cohabiting
Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Ghost - initiating R talks at this stage is never going to go well! You know that!!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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