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#2622893 11/10/15 10:43 PM
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AU Bob Offline OP
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Hi Everyone
I have been separated for 6 months.
I had been with my wife for 30 years 24 married. we have three daughters, one still lives with me at our house. My wife has been living with a family friend.
The troubles with our marriage started about 10 years ago.
My wife started a new job at a local kindergarten, she has worked in kindys for more than 20 years. She is very good at it and it is one of her passions, she loves her job.
The troubles started when she was promoted to centre director, her responsibility's grew and grew she started spending more and more time there and this started to create tension between us and sometimes our children, they would want to know why she was late too. I started to have to compete with her job for time together. she had to do 12 hour days quite regularly and sometimes even weekends. It was getting worse and I was becoming bitter about it. Sometimes when she would get home at night and it would be up to an hour after her knock off time I would angrily say where have you been, and be quite cold about it. instead of being understanding and supportive, things I know now that I should have done!
To add to the heavy workload that was placed on her, her workplace asked her to do an early childhood teachers degree.
Although I was supportive of her doing this, I was also a bit worried it would take even more time together away from us, she spoke to her employer about this and he agreed to give her one day a week off to study and write essays. This lasted for about 2 months and then they realised that it was not sustainable, they could not do without her working every day.
I encouraged her to continue with the degree, but it was a mistake, it was too much for her, and I got even more upset about our lack of time. She would be up until 1 or 2 in the morning studying I would come out and instead of studying she would be on f
Because of the demands put on her family holidays were few and far between, although she could have taken time off she always felt the place would not run properly with out her, this is partly true because on the rare occasion she did take a week or so off they would constantly ring her with work related issues, so she was reluctant to take any holiday time.
Because of the time demands her work put on her, family time suffered, our children missed her as well. this led to another problem that I had. Quite often on a Friday night my daughters would have friends over, my wife would like to spend time with them if she was home chatting to them in the kitchen, sometimes this would go on for hours, I would be waiting for her to finish talking to them and come and spend some time with me if this did not happen I would get jealous and sook. She always used to tell me I should come out with them, I just used to say hello and spend 10 minutes or so talking to them and excuse myself and move in to the lounge room and wait. Being a man it was difficult for me to relate to 10 and 12 year old girls, I did not know much about the things they were talking about, I just thought they would rather I was not hanging around, sometimes they need to be free to talk without a parent around although I spose if they wanted privacy the would have gone to a bedroom to talk.
I think what made her ultimately give up on me was. Her workplace started a gym class on a Saturday morning for the kindy mums, my wife started going and struck up a friendship with the male instructor. he naturally encouraged her to come more often, this turned into a bit of an obsession, she had struggled with weight issues for years and has Hashimotos disease of the thyroid, it no longer works and she has to take hormone replacement for the rest of her life. I asked her to come to the gym with me numerous times before but I spose she felt uncomfortable going with me and the women's class was more of a safe thing for her. Anyway I started to get a bit worried about the amount of time she was spending with this man. her employer got some personal development funding and asked her if she wanted to learn a new skill she could use in her job. This instructor just happens to play the guitar and guess who offered to give her private lessons. I was even more worried and started to question the time she was spending with him. I had to go to another city for a course related to my work. I asked her if she could pick me up from the airport but it would clash with the gym class that he was doing so it was more important for her to do that.
She was texting him back and forth at this stage, I asked her why she was doing this she just said it was to do with the scheduling of her guitar lessons, I think at the beginning it was just this, but it developed into more than that, the content of these texts was inappropriate, hugs and kisses and other wording that you would not send to a just a friend, from what my daughters have said he used the words beautiful and darling, she changed the passcode on her phone when she realised we got a look at some of them. She started to see way too much of him and even my daughters were getting a little worried about her behaviour. They started to question her about it, she just laughed and said there was nothing going on and never would be. While all this was going on I started to be clingy and wanted to be around her all the time, I joined the gym myself and started to go there too. I felt I was loosing her, and did all the classic things you should not do, I started telling he I love you all the time and wanted her to reciprocate, I started doing things for her all the time, fussed over her, bought her gifts, and organised hotel nights. I went over the top a bit.
Finally she could not take my sad worried state anymore and left while I was at work, I came home and she was gone, my youngest daughter had gone to my other daughters place she was quite distraught about it and did not want to be there when I got home.
Her obsession with the gym has continued and she now goes on outings and nights out with a group of women from the gym, he goes also. she now goes to his house for training sessions and has been to a couple of partys at his house. She has also got his daughter a job at the kindergarten that she runs as a trainee. She seems to have struck up a friendship with her as well.
My daughters thought this was starting to get a bit much. It was tearing our family apart. I could not stop talking about it to them and they were getting suspicious and wanted her to confess if there is something going on between them. They work at her kindy too and told their mother they did not want to work with his daughter, she asked them why and they said to her you figure it out. they had heard things about my wife that his daughter had told other workers there and they relayed to my daughter, that's how we found out she had been going to his house. She has since gone out to a face clinic with his daughter and invited her to visit a fellow workers house she was looking after while they were away.
She used to say to me before she left. You just need to be normal, how could I be normal while all this was going on?
I did do some stupid things after she left. I did got to the gym a couple of times to spy on her and the instructor, she was with him, but it was inside the gym although he should have been doing other things he spent the whole hour with her. He is single and Im not sure if there is really anything going on but she is definitely not discourageing him.
My daughters had had enough last weekend and got her round to talk about it. They asked her if there is something going on and she denied it on their lives. She never really told me to my face why she left, and I asked her there and then, she said we just argued too much, she felt I was controlling, and I treated her like a child m
not letting her make her own decisions. and not involving myself with the kids enough, ther were areas where I was probably lacking in that, but I was always there for them when they needed help I always came through.
I did the worst thing I could have done and instead of just listening, I tried to justifie why I did the things I did. I then cried in front of her and said its hard to know that I had made the person I love the most so very unhappy all these past years. I did just about everthing I should not have done and probably reaffimed to her why she left me in the first place!
Where do I go from here?


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
AU Bob #2622905 11/10/15 11:21 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-67, D35,S34
Cadet #2622913 11/10/15 11:36 PM
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AU Bob Offline OP
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Thanks Cadet
I have been going out with friends although this has only been in the last month or two. I have started with my hobbys again, rebuilding my pickup truck, going to the gym, I left the gym that she goes to 2 weeks ago, my daughters have come to the new gym with me, I have started cycling again and am rebuilding my friend network again.
I seem to be on a bit of a rollercoaster, for a few days im ok then I hear about her goings on with the OM and I go backward until I pick up again. My children have been a big help, but I feel it is starting to be too much for them too.
I have read just about all the links you have posted. I read and understand but I seem to get too emotional sometimes and I forget it all. that's what happened when we had the get together for my children to ask her her situation with the OM, when I asked her to tell me specifically why she left me (even though I had a good idea why) instead of listening, I just tried to justify why I acted the way I did. I should have just said I understand it all accept it and I'm moving forward. My emotions always lead me to do the wrong thing.
I was starting to get on track with her and we actually had dineer and discussed it quite calmly and the very next day it blew up again at my daughters house.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
AU Bob #2622915 11/10/15 11:40 PM
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-67, D35,S34
Cadet #2622919 11/10/15 11:54 PM
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yes im posting on my computer at my workshop, she never come here.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
AU Bob #2622921 11/11/15 12:04 AM
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How old are you and your wife?

As far as where do you go from here?
I think you need to read and learn here and then
you will make goals about what to improve about yourself.
Protect yourself financially.
Set some boundaries.

And then where do you want to go?


Me-67, D35,S34
Cadet #2622928 11/11/15 12:26 AM
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AU Bob Offline OP
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I am 50 she is 46
Obviously I would like to try and reconcile.
But the way I have been acting I just keep setting myself back.
She has said she is open to going to movies and dinner ect. but dose not want to be a couple anymore, she wants to be free to do her own thing.
She has not asked for a divorce.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
AU Bob #2622941 11/11/15 01:05 AM
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Yes that is part of the script.

You cant change her only yourself.


Me-67, D35,S34
Cadet #2622944 11/11/15 01:31 AM
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AU Bob Offline OP
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Could someone ask Sandi2 to have a look at my post.
Thanks.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
AU Bob #2622987 11/11/15 11:38 AM
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Hello AU Bob

You are obviously having a hard time and I feel for you. Some of your sitch (situation) is very similar to mine, wife becoming obsessed with work then getting attracted to another man...

Have you read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book? It is an invaluable resource and will help you, along with this forum, on a lot of the issues you raise.

As cadet has said, step away from where you are and let it be for a while. If you doubt this then think of the fact that it's taken weeks, months, years to reach this point so a few more days or weeks to get your head together isn't going to hurt.

Your daughters (Ds') relationship (R) to your wife (W) should remain separate to yours. Let them vent their frustration and heal in their own way, they sound old enough. Give them support but don't be tempted to use them as a crutch or aides in your quest to build a new R with your W. Also, don't involve them in this forum or what you are doing to solve your problems, regardless of how well intentioned they may behave, it will almost definitely derail any progress.

Two words to wholeheartedly embrace are acceptance and gratitude. Accept that it'll take some time to build a new R with your W and be grateful for all the things around you that are good. Unfortunately, you'll also need to learn to accept the bad things too as they are part of the journey you are on and may or may not help you, you won't know until some time has passed.

Be calm take some deep breaths (stop now and do that), and accept where you are and be grateful that you've found somewhere that can help you and move you forward to become an even better man than you are already.

Keep on posting as it'll assist you in ways you can't imagine, having the DR book will help you with understanding some of the guidance you are given.

I am looking forward to hearing more of your journey and hope that at some point I can be of assistance.

Avanti


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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