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A Message from Michele
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Joined: Jan 2014
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Tarheel Offline OP
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Previous thread...

Trying to stay patient- part 7

So my birthday has come and gone. Received a text from W around 4 pm yesterday wishing me a happy bday and hoped I was doing something fun with the kids (we met my parents for dinner). I simply responded 'Thanks'. Not sure what it means, but I've noticed that my mood drops when I do hear from her...

Also received a happy bday text around 10pm from W's BFF (who was seen at dinner with OM a month ago). Maybe it's childish, but I didn't respond. I admit that I struggle with the balance of showing love/forgiveness and speaking up (or in this case not speaking) when someone has hurt me.

Did not hear anything from MIL, which was somewhat surprising. I don't believe I mentioned it here, but I sent her an email shortly after Christmas. I didn't see her at all when she was in town, so thanked her for the gift she got me. I also explained that finding out that she funded W's trip to FL with OM over the summer was hurtful. Also mentioned that I missed her and her family and hoped I'd get to see them at some point down the road. My email wasn't as blunt as what I wrote above and looking back over it today, I don't regret anything I wrote. She never responded.

Sent W an email this morning asking her to contribute to some of the shared bills I've been paying. Knowing that she can barely afford her living expenses right now, I'm preparing myself for the spew that she'll respond with, but I can't continue to pay her expenses that we are both responsible for (insurance, loan payoff, etc). Actually she just responded with a breakdown of her monthly income/expenses and asked how she's supposed to contribute anything. How do I respond?? I want to say that this was your choice, so figure it out on your own...


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
Tarheel Offline OP
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Posts: 519
So W fired off 6 email responses before I could respond back. Everything from complaining about how much more I make than she does to how her atty is adamant that she seek spousal support, but knows I can't afford to keep the house if that's the case. I responded calmly, validated her financial struggles and asked for her suggestions. I wasn't going to get dragged into an argument and am proud that I didn't stoop to her level (as easy as that would have been).

*Venting here to avoid venting to her*- One of her biggest financial complaints has been that I 'stuck' her with her van payment. It's an argument I can't win, so why fight? She has 2 expenses- rent and car. I pay 'our' house payment, all insurance (including her van, her medical, kids), a medical surcharge for covering her through my employer, OUR loan debt, etc, yet she thinks I should also pay 1/2 of the van SHE drives?! SHE made the decision to leave the M and get her own place. Why should I have to cover her bills? *End of venting...

If she can't afford to contribute $ to shared expenses such as kids's cell phones, their extracurriculars, etc...what options do I have?? I either suck it up and keep paying, knowing she's most likely going to file for D or file D myself so we can have the courts split debt/expenses? And then I get stuck paying spousal support, which means I just shot myself in the foot.

Any other options??


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
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Are you expecting a tax refund?

Maybe you could negotiate to keep the whole thing to offset some of the "extras" you are paying for.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
Tarheel Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: raliced
Are you expecting a tax refund?

Maybe you could negotiate to keep the whole thing to offset some of the "extras" you are paying for.


Actually, I had been thinking of using that to fund the D if I decide to pursue....I'm kind of thinking W is thinking the same, otherwise I don't know where she'd suddenly come up with the money to pay an atty. Maybe I could suggest that though...


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
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Originally Posted By: Tarheel
So my birthday has come and gone. Received a text from W around 4 pm yesterday wishing me a happy bday and hoped I was doing something fun with the kids (we met my parents for dinner). I simply responded 'Thanks'. Not sure what it means, but I've noticed that my mood drops when I do hear from her...


Happy belated birthday Tarheel!!

Your mood drops, because you have an expectation. When it does't go the way you hope, you find yourself disappointed.

Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Also received a happy bday text around 10pm from W's BFF (who was seen at dinner with OM a month ago). Maybe it's childish, but I didn't respond. I admit that I struggle with the balance of showing love/forgiveness and speaking up (or in this case not speaking) when someone has hurt me.


I can definitely understand how you would feel betrayed by your W's BFF. I felt the same way. What I later found out, is that some of my W's friends were in my corner.

Not saying that your W's friend is encouraging her one way or the other. We don't know, but let's not assume....and if you possibly recon with your W, it might be awkward to be around her BFF. Food for thought.

A simple text would have sufficed. Really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Did not hear anything from MIL, which was somewhat surprising. I don't believe I mentioned it here, but I sent her an email shortly after Christmas. I didn't see her at all when she was in town, so thanked her for the gift she got me. I also explained that finding out that she funded W's trip to FL with OM over the summer was hurtful. Also mentioned that I missed her and her family and hoped I'd get to see them at some point down the road. My email wasn't as blunt as what I wrote above and looking back over it today, I don't regret anything I wrote. She never responded.


Your MIL most likely knows everything going on from your W's perspective, and her daughter comes first. I'd suggest limit your contact with her for now.

Unfortunately, and sadly, a lot of relationships are affected with separations. Just be cautious, what you say, and to who you say it to.

Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Sent W an email this morning asking her to contribute to some of the shared bills I've been paying. Knowing that she can barely afford her living expenses right now, I'm preparing myself for the spew that she'll respond with, but I can't continue to pay her expenses that we are both responsible for (insurance, loan payoff, etc). Actually she just responded with a breakdown of her monthly income/expenses and asked how she's supposed to contribute anything. How do I respond?? I want to say that this was your choice, so figure it out on your own...


This was one of my biggest fear. I didn't want to pay more than what was required. The reality was that I was already doing my part.

The best thing that I can suggest, is to have an attorney run the spousal/child support calculations. When you are armed with this info, your W can't hold it over your head to get what she wants.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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I think you're being manipulated. I don't think you can legally remove her from your medical insurance and I don't know the specifics of your loans and other payments but I would remove her from any account that you can. Protect yourself and your finances man!

Cancel joint credit cards, remove her from your auto insurance and talk to your attorney and see what your options are.


Me:38 W:39
No Children
BD: 5/13
EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13
W Moved out 12/13
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
Tarheel Offline OP
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Random ramblings....

When I first discovered this forum and started reading through various situations, I was amazed when I'd come across someone who was 6 mos, 9 mos, even 1 year post BD. No way did I envision my situation going past 3 mos- something would be figured out by then. I'd either be D or W and I would be working on our M. I felt sorry for those people still holding onto their M. 'Move on, your M is over' is what thought. I was impressed with all the vets (and newbies) who seemed so invested in helping total strangers behind a computer screen, not only save their M, but become better people. So I posted my story and 1 yr after registering and 16 mos into S, I'm still here.

16 mos of being S- that seems so crazy to say. But as the mos go by, I realize more and more that my M is over and that I'm basically living a D life anyways. I dropped the kids off at W's the other day and as I drove away, I had a hint of anger at the situation and wished all of this was over with. Then I realized that even if a D was official, nothing would have been different about that experience. And I guess that's what the past few mos have been about for me. As each month goes by, I feel more and more comfortable and happy with my life.

On a total unrelated note, I've been trying something different this past week. I've sent W some random 'Hey, how's your day?' texts. I've been surprised at her responses- she actually tells me something about her day or will prolong the conversation. I also sent a 'Tell me how I've hurt you because I want to learn/grown' email that I'm waiting for a response to. I don't know why I decided to do this- maybe because I'm finally comfortable with whatever the outcome may be, so I have no expectations that she respond to anything? Maybe it's a last ditch effort to reconnect with her? Maybe I'm only messing with her mind by suddenly being friendly? I hope it's not that last one- just the thought of it makes me feel like a terrible person. I'm sure it smells of another 'Tarheel acting on his emotions again' experiment, but I really have no expectation of the result anymore. If it's a stepping stone back to a R with her down the road, fine. If she goes ahead with filing for D and making it 'official', I'm ok with that too.


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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I'm glad you come back regularly to update us on your sitch. I sometimes read older threads and people disappear after a few weeks or a couple of months. I'm convinced that almost everyone emerges happy on the other hand, whether reconciled or not, so it's good to see when people pass the one-year mark for instance. I hope you will continue.

As for your experiment, DB seems to suggest to try something different every now and then, so let's see where that goes.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Jan 2014
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Tarheel Offline OP
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'Experiment kindness' report- although it did get W to open up (through text), this past weekend's text exchange with her leads me to believe she thought I've only been doing it to 'control' her. The tipping point was that I had made dinner one night last week and had too much (picky kids) so asked if she wanted me to bring her some. Because she had made a comment about barely being able to feed herself a few days early, I suppose it came across as trying to provide for her. Bad timing, so I'm backing off.

We actually had a long text conversation on Sunday. I found it funny that she thought that if I truly cared about her and wanted to be nice, I'd help her figure out her financial situation, yet by doing so, wouldn't I come across as controlling?? I offered to help if she wanted to discuss, but she didn't take me up on it. I made sure to exhibit patience in my responses as to avoid saying something I'd regret later.

At one point I asked W if she wanted to stick around to discuss the kids schedule after she dropped the kids off (she continues to avoid because she knows they're getting tired of staying at her place). She said she couldn't because she was taking dinner to her friend that just had a baby (worked with at the vet's and how she met OM) and then was headed to her BFF's family's house to watch the Super Bowl. Later in the evening S15 mentioned going to that party, so I asked W if she could pick him up on the way there. She responded that she was happy having a baby in her lap and probably wasn't leaving. I didn't respond. Later she sends me a pic of the baby. Now, seeing that she met OM through this friend, W knows that I don't care for her, so why send me a pic of her baby?! I was tempted to respond with 'surprised it didn't come out with horns', but thought better of it and just responded that 'it's been a while since ours were that young.' I'm not sure if she sent the pic to prove that's where she was? Just seemed weird. And was it just a coincidence that she took them dinner on the day of the Super Bowl or were they hosting a party, that I'm sure OM was at? Doesn't matter- I'm done worrying about it and throwing it in her face.

On a GAL note- my younger brother invited me to a 3 day weekend in the woods next month with him, his girlfriend, 2 other couples (I know the guys) and his girlfriend's single friend. He's not the type that would try to 'set' me up, so I don't think it's that type of situation, but it may seem awkward- 3 couples, her and I. As much as I miss a physical/emotional R with someone (16+ mos is getting to me), I want to say I did all the right things and leave the M knowing I didn't step outside. I'm planning on going- it's about a 7 hr drive for me (closer for them), but will be fun to get away and relax.


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
Tarheel Offline OP
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Posts: 519
Well, I received the 'I plan on filing for D' email today from W. She plans on using tax return money to fund it, so should be a few mos from now.

I'll admit that it was frustrating to read her email. She feels there is no turning back, that she had avoided interacting with me recently because she didn't want to say what needed to be said, that she needs to just cut ties and move on....

I responded politely- validated her feelings/thoughts several times. Told her that although this is not what I wanted, I would not stop her from doing what she feels she needs to do. I touched upon a few of her points in a non confrontational way in an effort to explain some of my actions.

In my new found confidence, I may have added a hint of pressure in my response. I feel so much better about myself and the tools I've picked up over these past 16 mos, that part of me doesn't want her to miss out on the 'new' Tarheel. But I understand she's on her own journey and I have to ask myself objectively if I really want to be with the person she is right now. This will come across as 'judgmental', but I do believe she still has a way to go in learning about who she is and what makes her happy. I'm still learning and I started my self discovery probably a year before she did.

Am I sad? Sure. But I've basically lived as a divorced parent (other than dating) for quite a while now, so not much will change. It was interesting that as I first read her note, how little it effected me. No freaking out or panicking. I'll back off and let her drive filing for D. I'll be friendly, but not friends now that she's made this decision. Maybe in time that changes, but I'll worry about that down the line. In the meantime, I'm in the process of planning a summer beach vacation with the kids and my family!


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
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