Ghost Busting Working on me Part 2

[Maximus]

Hi G,

(says with a sigh...)

IMHO your paragraphs are mixed and tell a different story than the one you are saying.

P#1 - I am fully aware....
You are not fully aware of the part you played nor as Azz says have you thought about the part she played. Remember the rules about believing half of what she says? Why on this count believe word for word? Here is why I strongly suggest for you to really look into what happened from an unbiased view point. I always think there is 1 real truth. Each party in a discussion has their own and then there is the real truth unbiased and unadulterated. You have your version based on your messed up mind. Hers with her own vision. Try and find the 3rd.

P#2 - I guess I am still..
You do not have to guess. Yes, you are STILL here and exactly right. For her it is over. You do not want it to be over. You still cannot accept it and you still want to believe that there is some hope.

P#3 - That we might find a way..
You are still hanging on to the idea that the M is not over. When you mention reconcile differences what exactly do you mean? All I have heard is how neglectful you have been. When you say our it must mean she has something to change? What is it? Does she know? Have you told her? Do YOU know? What does she think? What differences are there when you are blaming yourself?

The fact she says you will both deal with it means she still wants out. She wants a new life without YOU. That means a BIG reconciliation.


P#4 - Do I think...
YES, you still think you have a chance of getting your marriage back. You are lying to yourself writing NO. Secondly your M IS over.

Do you really want to go back to the same M? Why not do what she has done and bury it. Now try and work on yourself to have an option to a new R with your W.

You have reached a point where you can look at yourself in the mirror and say I did everything that I could do to try and save it to try make it better... only thing is like Old Blue Eyes sang... you did it your way. Now try and do it the right way. You know how to you are just afraid of messing it up more. Crying uncontrollably and being a doormat to her ... pffftt really?


P#5 - How do I cope..
She already has told you. Her heart is NOT with you. That train left. What was left behind is bait which you are nibbling to every day. The prize itself is long gone. You still cannot accept this because she is there and doing things with you. Hence why you have to accept the reality NOW. Live the pain NOW and grow stronger from it NOW. So when and if she does leave it will hurt less and you will not go back into survival mode but handle it better. You also need to accept this in order to apply the advice given.


P#6 - Day by day (remaining summed up)
You ask the same questions over and over and get the same replies over and over. If you need to vent that is normal and do it. It helps. If you come for answers listen and evaluate. No one here will give you the answer you are looking for at this stage. They are giving you the answers you need, not the ones you want. At this point you have a serious issue with acceptance on all levels. Until you overcome this you are lying to yourself.

One final thing G. And a bit of humour here... if she were to seduce you because she needed it, would she want the tender and sweet guy or the one who would tie her to the bed so she doesnt fall off? In which category were you when you met and in which are you know? chill

Oh and remember regarding the house thing.... it is just that, a house. What you want is a home and they also come in all shapes and sizes.

Peace bro..

[Huddy]

I'll level with you ghost (probably all the guys will say the same) - I'm scared. Yup, there you go, I said it. There isn't a day goes by without me wishing this nightmare would end. However, you have got to start being practical about this. Your W is in the 'f*** you' zone. She doesn't care if Ghost is scared or hurting. Why? Because you're still doing everything for her and hanging on to her by having meals etc.

I look at me now and at the start. I remember on BD day literally begging for another chance. I had no idea what I'd done wrong, but was willing to apologise for anything for her to stay. I look at me now and think 'what a dick', my W has to WANT to be with me, not me wanting her. It hurts bud, but you've just got to make that leap of faith!

[Vapo]

So Ghost, where do you go from here?

I'll say again, for 4 months in you are really doing quite well and nothing you are feeling is out of the ordinary or strange.

Now, you have all these great people following you and steering you in the right direction, you should be really grateful.

Stop thinking about your wife (I know, easier said than done) and look after yourself. So where are you with the lawyer and the legal standpoint. Do not count on your wife to do the "right" thing.

Stay strong buddy...

[NDY]

Hey buddy.

You are getting great advice here. I remember being at your stage, and it's the hardest thing I ever did. Really, I kid you not.

I did leave the house. It was the best thing I ever did because it allowed me to regain my perspective and get myself on an even keel. The good folks here guided me to this place. Max and Azz are right. You are hanging onto a M that's already dead. Accepting that is tough. Really tough. But day by day you will get stronger. Your still obsessing right now. I get that. It will pass if you follow the advice here.

Your salvation isn't in saving your M. You can't do that right now. Your salvation is in saving you. Focusing on you is where you need to be. You need to let her go.

Peace

[ATPeace]

I understand why huddy asked if you can afford to move out. I personally think you would be better getting W to move out. If you decide you need space to deal with this, you tell her in house separation is not working and she should leave. You will need to do this in a strong way.

Getting W to move out is not an option unless I really want to upset the apple cart right now she is saying she is talking 50/50 access rights and she only wants half the value of the house


I understand your reluctance to separate but you are struggling too much as it is. IMO.

Again today you have received a lot of advice and support.That is something truly amazing to come out of this.

Yes the advice is amazing I need to start to follow more of it

Good luck and DO something with the advice given.

[ATPeace]

I'll level with you ghost (probably all the guys will say the same) - I'm scared. Yup, there you go, I said it. There isn't a day goes by without me wishing this nightmare would end. However, you have got to start being practical about this. Your W is in the 'f*** you' zone. She doesn't care if Ghost is scared or hurting. Why? Because you're still doing everything for her and hanging on to her by having meals etc.

I look at me now and at the start. I remember on BD day literally begging for another chance. I had no idea what I'd done wrong, but was willing to apologise for anything for her to stay. I look at me now and think 'what a dick', my W has to WANT to be with me, not me wanting her. It hurts bud, but you've just got to make that leap of faith!

Leap of faith yes have to find it

[ATPeace]

Frank, but sensible. Ghost, let the house go. It's just bricks, you can buy another house one day.

Can you afford to move out? [b]I really do not know if I can or not certainly not to stay in the same area[/b] think that your in house separation is doing you no good and your wife loads of good. Here's your W's perspective - I need something - where's ghost? I'll just whistle and he'll run to me like a puppy dog! My life is made. I can treat him like $hit and he keeps coming back for more. All the things he needs from me like sex and love, well, he can just wait for them.

Do you get what I'm saying here?

[ATPeace]

Thank you all for the comments and the support one of the problems that I have is hearing it and dealing with it are two separate issues I am trying to accept it but I am still very much in denial

I do not know if four months into this is early days or not all I know is that right now my life feels to be falling apart I am self employed and my work is going quiet to add to my concerns

I do not want to separate from my W ....IT HAPPEND

I do not want to be a part time dad have the kids only several days a week if I am lucky it WILL HAPPEN

I do not want to sell our house IT WILL HAVE TO SELL

The logistics of selling we have soooo much stuff in this house every single thing every single item ....will need to go or be packed up ...so much stuff time for a good clear out

I am not looking for answers I know I am spinning round and round I just need to get my head arround the full logistics of my position

Will post again soon

[ATPeace]

can anyone please recommend any TEDTalks videos that I can watch to try and help with my way forward thank you

[pinn]

are you exercising Ghost? I mean like really exercising... 5 times a week?