RD Movin on 10

[rd500]

Hi Sotto. Will be staying away from offers like that for sure. I had been chatting for about 20 mins !!!!

Re the burning of bridges I do feel EXW has done just that , especially at the start of all this. While I like to think I'm a much calmer person now I don't think I'm mature enough to rebuild the trust I had in her. I know I'm getting ahead of myself but that doesn't stop me wondering. Maybe life would be easier if I created a new NC dynamic that it much more clear cut. I effect NC pretty well and stick to the neighbour mantra even when EXW looks for more in way of help or advice

One of my biggest struggles at the moment is the kids. S20 is chatty with EXW but he also only responds. S16 is very standoffish but only on a superficial level because he adores his mum and has taken her leaving very hard D14 is very upset and having to deal with being 14'on top of all this is hard on her and she's a princess ( not in a good way ) anyway D11 is plain lost , she adores us both and just wants everything back to normal We have all bonded as a new unit but it hard to deal with all the different personalities , each struggling in their own way

As I have said before I'm not always sure what I am doing is the right thing

Re the OM , I have accepted they are together because it's easier for me If I try to believe.what she's telling everyone it gets very confusing and doesn't really make any sense and then I just let my mind wonder to bad places like her family
know but won't tell me or L/C is wrong etc

I do have a question if you could mull it over. Christmas is coming and I really don't want to spend it with her What's my best route here ? I could tell her out straight and offer her Xmas day with the kids or Boxing Day with the kids. I could offer her both days and next year I could have them Or I could tell a lie and say I'm working. I could cover this as it's something that does arise in my line of work

We have S16s birthday before but that's relatively easy to get around

Thank for posting Sotto. Take care. Rd. xx

[SunnyB]

RD, what do your kids want to do about the holidays? I'm not saying put it up for a vote, you are the parent and you get to decide, but do you have a sense of what their expectations might be?

[rd500]

Hi Sunny. As far I know the three younger ones would want it be family as usual it S20 and I have discussed it and he will accept what I decide S20 is very adamnet that EXW has no place in his life other than a friend and certainly not a mother. This is sad as they had a very special bond and I used to love seeing them together

Thanks for posting. Take care. Rd xx

[SunnyB]

So....your kids want a family gathering. But you can't just suck it up for a few hours? RD, that doesn't sound like you. What's really going on?

[rd500]

You are wise beyond your years Sunny. I'm actually lying on the couch in my office since 11am. I have blocked EXWs number on my phone and have ignored all calls from home. She's there this afternoon with kids. The kids have mobiles if they need me.

I'm in a slump after hols. I am going to whinge now so please feel free to ignore the next few paragraphs. I'm struggling with all this since yesterday I'm not a bad guy. I know I'll be happy again and there will be a time when all this is behind me It just feels like why do my kids and I have I have our lives so upset by someone who used to see us as her world. I know the answers and I know her telling me she's depressed and unhappy and lost , etx needs to be taken with a grain of salt but it effects me. Little things like when she left she put all our ornaments from our bedroom into a drawer and over the last 6 months they have been appearing back in the room. Even two days ago after the hols she had put out a ying and yang ornament from years back. I know it means nothing I really do but it just gets to me

I'm sure I can find a decent partner to spend time with but I really don't want my kids to have to get to know someone new I grew up in a single parent family and I always wanted better for my kids and now they are facing the same if not worse

Rant over. Thanks for caring Sunny. It means a lot Take care. Rd xx

[SunnyB]

RD, I wouldn't be so sure the redecorating means nothing. Maybe it's her way of trying to feel more connected. Or maybe it truly means nothing.

Have you ever asked her what it would take for her to come home? At this point I don't really see that it would do any harm, especially not if you made it clear that you had a list of non-negotiables as well. It might be that she expresses she'd love to come back and was just waiting for you to ask. It might be that she's not willing to do what it takes according to your boundaries. It might be that you aren't willing because the hurts too deep. But it would be an interesting conversation, don't you think?

Obviously, you are not in the right place to make holiday decisions yet. Sleep on that. For a couple weeks.

[Sotto]

Sorry you're in a slump RD. Are you sure it's not regret about not taking up that invite??

It's true that you will be happy again. It's also true that 'through' it is the only way and of course we have our ups and downs as things progress. It is hard to accept that someone who once thought the sun shone out of us now.....doesn't. I think having kids must make it so much harder. For me, I regret the impact on SS - but I"m not his Mum and I just see myself responsible for my R with him now. I don't have that awful feeling of anger/regret for my kids having to go through this.

I will post some more about other queries you raised....need to dash out now - but wanted to stop by for a big hug (((((((((((((((((((RD))))))))))))))))))) I would also make an unusual invitation....but I'm not sure quite what that would comprise!!

Take care, and thanks for your post on my thread xxx

[Huddy]

That's odd. It's as if, by stealth, she's moving back in to your life. OK, I think I would ask her the question. Something like 'I noticed you've been placing the ornaments out in our bedroom. Do you want to talk?'. I'll probably get slapped down by the fellow members here, but I think you've been the lighthouse so long, it might be time for the lifeboat to just stick a hand over the side and see if anybody reaches up.

[Sotto]

Hi RD, that's interesting about the ornament and the cleaning too. I do get a sense that she still wants to be lady of the house at some level. And at another level, there is the whole OM/dysfuntion thing going on...

It might be an option to mention the yin/yang thing and say. I noticed that ornament came out...haven't seen that one for a while. Then float a little silence and see what bubbles up perhaps. Perhaps nothing will. I wouldn't go as far as asking her directly though. I think if she wants to reach out she will if you are generally kind and supportive and there is still some smooth paving on that road.

But from your perspective, I imagine OM would need to be very much out of the picture and your W very willing to do the necessary hard work to rebuild your R. She isn't there yet....but who knows, she may be slowly working her way in that direction. But I guess my point is - there isn't much point wondering and worrying about it - better to live your life as if you won't be together again. And if she does want something different - well, you can consider that if/when it happens.

Hope you have perked up a little xx

[SunnyB]

Sotto, at this point why not just ask directly? I don't think he has much to lose, and directness may get him an answer he could otherwise wait forever on. But you are a wise women and I'd love to hear your reasoning.