Yes Nero the only thing you have to figure out is what is best for you. I think some days I'd give anything at least to have H part time but then I realize that it would be a huge burden in many ways. This is not easy and what worked last year may be different now.
You have lots of people here that understand how murky things can be. MWD says in the end though dbusting is mostly about saving yourself especially when dealing with MLC. Thinking of you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
You guys have no idea how wonderful it is to touch base and feel there is someone out there that cares. that sounds soooo lame i know- Seems things to get both better and worse - all at same time around here. is it any wnoder i lose hair and sleep!!!!!
I hope you're both well and happy & looking forward to fall. (and wi nter??? burrrrr) but pretty as heck.
I do hear you about my family. I think i am some point where honestly- when this is allover i don't think i'll care much who i see or what. I don't see myself "preserving family" any more . too tired. My neice cares about family- i'm trying to be that for her. my other neices i like alot- their mothers , oiy.... Even her mom doesn't care. I can happily leave them to themselves.
h seems to become more his old self when around me, even affectionate sometimes - BUT OW is still there in place in his life and important. PERIOD.
I list the good & bad. I see that my life is much more "easy" than most people. Watching my sister in town out of work , behind in rent and truly struggling badly- and am not so hot to throw away that kind of security. It sounds shabby- i kind of wish it were just all about the money. then i'd be a happy girl rite - getting what i want. problem solved? he's happy to throw $$ my way. .
As always- it's about person you "share your life with" , which he seems to think we do- and said just a week ago "please stay in my life". however - he then tra las off on a trip with ow - and (to a much much much less degree than begfore - but there-) sends me into emotional turmoil about whether or not he is a person worthy of all the ttrouble, wait, faith,etc. hard to determine some human beings intrinsic "worth". but it seems important to know.
I do not feel this overwhelming LOOOOOOOVE for him as i always did - too battered.(those totally suckie 4-5 yrs) I don't want to be a grudge holder and get bitter or really "hang onto" it. On other hand - one knows something about this guy now that i didn't before. Perhaps he is not "worthy" of all this?? I still have that same old whatever it is that (addiction? habit? caring?) - that nags me and says if i found him soooo worthwhile for 38 yrs., how can i throw him out window now? I have even more invested now - I may or may not be insane. I do admire the strength of my own devotion and loyalty & ability to absorbe the crappola and still plug on. I may not look it to others - but i feel very strong inside to continue & prevail (over the emotions & urges to just cut and run - both with h and fam) Now, if only rest of universe saw what i see. (and if it's really a good thing in the end?) who ever does know huh?
If i'm honest - i still NEED the safety net he provides. it's sad - as usual, it's both the hardest and easiest thing to do for me and my emotional and mental state presently. I know it is wacky - but i know same about alternative FOR SURE.
i AM LOts more my old self. I am , opinion of self wise, lots lots better than have been in last ten years. too bad that doesn't resolve anything. i don't agonize over my actions or thoughts to see what "i'm doing wrong". i think that is gone forever. I do like the person i am, and feel as good or bad as anyone else. I don't feel ashamed of my shortcomings - only human and not embarassed to say.
I am running out of steam in general in life tho with this businesss of sucking it up, being pleasant and diplomatic and courteous in the face of bad treatment (fam & h) and blatent or latent hostility(fam) , criticism(fam) being relegated to a "place" i feel he's trying to keep me in (h). and yes, i know he can't keep me anywhere if i want to move out of it.
I think that accepting dispositoin may not be such a good thing. Buddha say be like water- free of resistence, yet able to wear away rock. idk - I accept totally i can only control me- and the dre ary-ness of other people's actions and repurcussions to me, that is probably nothin to him, alot to me, blah blah blah
same old same old. but this, but that, stinkin frog in a jar hopping around -
I know about my safety net need still - yet i feel badly to allow him to think he buys me and it works. hearing myself say that tho- i don't say it to h im because there is nothing to say about anything any more. i sit by and watch, go about my life, wish i'd meet someone that would swooooop me away and wonder how the heck i have such loyalty and ties to people who are hard to love and downright abusing it sometimes (mom & him). GEEEEEZ - i sure sound neurotic and nuts huh? guess i am really.
oh well- not to moan like mad (after i've done just that) i'm still here - i'm not sure why or how - i am endeavoring to place it in God's hands, thinking he knows alot i do not & hoping when the time comes for me to jump ship- i know it and do it.
u-r - i think of you all the time because i'm stll in state of overwhelmment with the stuff around here and my jumble-ment of mind & house (oh well, and gardent too).
that being said, i have a giant bag of cloths to go out door- and two boxes of really good collectible china "things", and perhaps will go put them in trunk of my car and take to flea next week to sell with a freind that wants to.
we have accepted an offer on mom's house- lower than i'd like, but okay. can use some of that $$ to fund shore- so rabid sister doing those bills quits freakin out.
leavine as is - hope i didn't say too much that's dopey'
BOY - WHEN YOU SAY "MURKY" YHOU ARE SAYIN A MOUTHFUL....
I'M floundering in the murk here - no kidding. (and i'm not usually too flaky or half baked as i sound - no, honest)
I didn't see your post yuesterday - so Thanks for note. I THINK i am a better person in that I am way more living in the day, way more aware daily of the good & way more "patient" about life wending it's way because i'm soooo totally out of control of most of it and certainly of allll the people - and waaaaay less likely to "bite" and can now just walk away from conflict. It seems to be a good thing.
On the other hand- i've had people tell me i suck it up too much and i should just go bonkers and let anyone getting in my face "have it". be more forceful... It doesn't feel rite. I am always (no kidding) alwasy surprised and never have all sorts of "ammo" rite at hand. too stunned to find that perfect & effective retort. I must be a blast to "fight " with- i only think of the perfect responses about three days later... then i decide forget it- rise above it, it's all crappola anyway...
I am such a wierd point- i honestly can't assess me, him or anyone else alive. i alwasy think people are essentially decent and trying to do the rite things. Even when they, I fail, intention is everything. I do know my own intentions are always okay- i can face myself about tht.
other than that, i got nothin. i don't knwo what's best for me anymore. The few times i've decided something big and gone that way- turns out i've been wrong-o. my ability to trust my gut is shaken - a very bad thing to feel. I hope to God that whatever i do, it's the right thing...
I am grateful to have someone parttime to be honest. I guess it's what keeps me "attached" still. Everyone important being dead is really icky- the two women i shared my entire life with. You sure can't laugh about old times with others like you could with them. We did laugh alot - "before"... oh well huh. he's last truly important important person in my life. I guess i'll find out in the end where it all lands.
I am my usual slow mo train wreck- but still alive and well and thinking weather is lovely this morning- so that's something rite??? I thik i'm saving myself. I think if seeking help- then realize i'd have to know and respect someone before i'd believe they'll be able to - oh well- pretty sure that I'VE IMPROVED IN THAT even a stinkin pretty morning seems like a gift - and any day or hour wkithout someone wanting something or some "troubel" seems mighty special. My enjoyment of the small and very small is greatly improved - and that cannot be bad. you and the couple people who wrote- that is mighty big - and i feel thankful that ya'll talk to me.
ok - that's me- need to go get some milk & remember to eat today. i swer- i get twirling around and forget even that - good news - lost five pounds and needed to (that damn cholesterol) - ta da - if nothing else, i won't end up overweight! woo hoo
i didn't see your note either- duhhh. my roll is definitely slow. i realize in all this that anything you say is out there forever. no kidding. I am moving very slow in all this lately. I am very wary of what i say and do- thinking i would never want to make people the way some have made me feel. they are unaware & lashing out. doesn't matter tho, does it? even with best of intentions on my part- those dumb words or acts stick in one's mind/heart.
thanks for vote of confidence & wisdom about it all working it's way thru to a conclusion one of these days. I th ink i'm workin on me all the time- a lifetime's vocation. some times i am just "done" tho with the biting it back. a little scary turn of events. i am very bad at this secret- covert spy stuff. being up front about what i think & feel and who i am is a big part of me. holding that back & in is a big strain. I feel prevented from showing affection or caring - and from receiving it. that it makes me merely a "fool' to be feeling or expressing caring for people so overtly hostile. that is wierd.
I hope and pray you are rite that in the end, it all sorts itself out and i do what is rite and that is that.
Ya have to wonder if God can really listen and sort this junk for a world of people. Raised eepiscopaleon i have no notion of God being personally concerned with me. More roll my sleeves up- work hard - do rite and "the lord helps those who help themselves" - it's not quite as nice and safe feeling as "let go - let God". i'm workin on that- trying to switch over. fingers crossed.