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A Message from Michele
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Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: adinva] #2520914
12/27/14 06:41 AM
12/27/14 06:41 AM
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BFloat Offline
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Whenever I log on I think, I should do it more often!!! About fb messenger.. I find it incredibly aggravating!

As I'm typing, I'm staring at me Christmas tree with the lights that have been on since this afternoon. I have every single one of my Christmas lights on because... It makes me happy.

You are like the "white" version of me. Lol. I I mean that in a totally loving way. Lol.

This darker moments.. I think it's normal. The important thing is that your have insight. Don't dwell on it.. Make a mental note and if it ever gets worse (and hopefully it never does) then we are always here for you.

I have never doubted that you are a good mom. I'm not quite sure what's going on with your younger son and the evaluation you're waiting for.. I am a little familiar with some of the questions you've been discussing with him because it sounds like similar to a questionnaire I had to fill out for my S. I'm not sure if these things are different between Canada and the US...

There are moments where I think.. I am a terrible mother. My child is struggling in school and I just can not sit there every single day to help him with his reading and writing. I feel like it is all my fault because I try but sometimes it's frustrating beyond belief. I'm a bad mom because I don't force them to eat enough vegetables.. I'm a bad mom because sometimes I just say to them.. "Don't talk to me! I just need 10 minutes of silence!". But is this really true? And is this a fair assessment?

You have been there since the beginning. You work to provide for them. You keep them safe. They are fed and healthy. And the love you have for them.... I'm just saying.. Don't beat yourself up. I can see that you're an amazing woman who is also an incredible mom.

Just to prove that you're not the only one... Do you know what we had for dinner tonight? McD's. lol!!!! Exhausted from the big dinner yesterday that I just didn't want to cook.

Merry Christmas Ad!!!


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: BFloat] #2521426
12/29/14 06:10 PM
12/29/14 06:10 PM
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adinva Offline OP
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Love it BF! Thanks for stopping by. I read your thread and yes, we follow a very similar path don't we?

I had some frustration trying to plan my Christmas with my kids, my family's Christmas in which they also wanted to see my kids, and my H's family and my H. That's four different Christmases to wrangle, and yes I know, I focused primarily on making sure my kids' and my needs were met while considering the others as much as reasonable. It's hard because no one seems to want to commit until the last minute to a specific plan with times identified. For my own serentity I like to have that, since I have a lot of competing obligations. Anyway...

Ended up that only I had the kids Christmas eve, which has been our traditional quite family celebration with our presents to the kids and candlelight church service. My two boys gave me the gift of attending church, on time, and then followed the family tradition of misbehaving all through it. In my head I apologize to all the families around us but in my heart I was enjoying their antics very much. My presents to them were necessarily small, so I made sure ahead of time that they understood it wasn't going to be an xbox. S16 had been out shopping with my credit card and he bought me a gingerbread scented candle, what a great kid he is.

Christmas day H came for lunch, by himself bc his mom wasn't well. I spiffed up the main level of the house, put a nice red tablecloth out, and made spaghetti and meatballs and his favorite pumpkin pie. He gave the kids big gifts. S14 said later, hey mom now I love dad more than you. Ho ho ho, I was glad to hear him joke like that.

I bought for him from the kids really nice leather touch-screen gloves, on S14's suggestion that he likes his fancy car so maybe some fancy driving gloves would be good. I thought he might really like a nutribullet like mine so he could have healthy quick breakfast and not take up much of his (shared) counterspace. The kids and I had different opinions about whether it was a good gift or not something he would want or over the top $. So I waited till he was here and hinted about how much I liked mine, would he use one if he had one, and he said yeah so I got it out of the garage. He did seem to be pleased with it.

After he left, the rest of the day was with my extended family and then quick getting the kids packed to go with H to Pittsburgh right from our my-family's dinner at a local nice restaurant. The restaurant was slow and the dryer wasn't drying so we weren't ready for them to go at the stroke of 7, so H got cranky and was kind of a jerk. I shrugged it off because life is easier if we don't all add to the crankiness, but basically the kids ate steaks and fries in under one minute and I left my just-placed dinner to drive them 1/4 mile to our house to their dad because he had already been to the restaurant and wasn't coming back since I had suggested he go to the house to hit restart on the dryer to speed things up. S14 ran so fast into the house that he went flying over the step and hurt himself. We all were bending over backwards to accommodate H's pickiness.

Once all that was over, it sounds like they had a nice time with H's family and friends in Pittsburgh and I enjoyed my very first voluntary two nights without the kids in two years. Of course, my house was still full of visiting family so I didn't get to break out and do something wild or crazy.

So, many good things this Christmas.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: adinva] #2522166
12/31/14 07:31 PM
12/31/14 07:31 PM
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I love hearing that you had a good Christmas. What a difference a couple of years makes. Lol.

There is a part of me that still wishes I could have lived out the fairytale but at the same time, I'm not sorry for finding myself. A friend said to me the other day that he loves me but thinks I'm crazy for still including H at the family dinners. When I look at my kids and see how they've come through this, I feel good about my choices. There is something to be said about being true to who you are smile everything is not all sunshine and roses but I know you understand what I mean. Lol

I like your gingerbread candle! D4 wrapped up one of her stuffies to give to me which she claimed back after it was unwrapped! But I loved it anyway. I think you need to run yourself a bath.. Light up your candle.. And eat chocolates.. And then pay yourself on the back for your many accomplishments for 2014. Going to social events on your own is daunting and you did it!! Can't wait t hear what 2015 holds.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: BFloat] #2529715
01/22/15 01:38 AM
01/22/15 01:38 AM
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Happy new year Ad! Just popping in to say "hi" and thinking of you. Wow, my son is 16 now and haven't even THOUGHT of college visits yet!

Take care. Nothing real new. Put a quick update on my old thread but nothing drastically different which is why I don't really post here anymore.

Take care,


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: ces67] #2534252
02/04/15 03:19 PM
02/04/15 03:19 PM
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Posts: 2,877
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adinva Offline OP
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Hi CES! Things move slowly for me and you. No one could say we run thoughtlessly into new situations or that we don't care deeply about those around us. It doesn't make for exciting DB copy though.

I'm now the mom of a 17 year old, whoa. We have our first college visit Saturday. We both need to learn what realistically can be expected for him, because he's not exactly a Type A student and may not get accepted to some places. He's smart but uses that to skate, not to work harder. There's a place for that in the world. He won't be the one working 80 hour weeks and missing out on his family.

Nothing else is new here either. I had a great annual meeting and am loving my job. Made huge progress on psych testing and getting an IEP for S16. Doing lots of fun stuff. Same old same on the divorce front, not getting anything done.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: adinva] #2606956
09/15/15 12:30 AM
09/15/15 12:30 AM
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adinva Offline OP
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Hello! I haven't been here in a really long time. I was searching the internet for helpful divorce info and found other sites that were lame, poorly written, or just questions with no answers...and thought hey, DB is way better than this! So I came back. Here is what's new (finally something is new).

Tomorrow morning is our first meeting with a financial mediator. I have collected every scrap of financial info possible into a binder, scoured it thoroughly so I know EXACTLY what I spend and why, uploaded my and H's draft spending plans into the family law software, and so we'll sit down and start looking together at what we have and how we'll divide it.

I'm prepared for it to be uncomfortable, or maybe it won't, but I really want to just get this thing done and move on. Whatever I have to live on, I just want to know what it is and then go live on it. I even shopped a little for houses over the weekend so I know what I can do if I can't afford to stay in my house. I have a lot of choices and that makes me feel confident for my future.

The big question for me is on child support. I ran numbers in two websites and got two different results with about $500/mo difference between them. I know what H thinks it should be, and that's the higher of the two numbers.

I finally did the math and found that if child support is about equal to our mortgage, and for 3 years he's been paying the mortgage in lieu of it, and half-owning the house...then he's been shorting me half the mortgage for three years.

If my numbers are right, then correcting them will fix my going-in-the-red problem so I'll stop burning through my savings.

These details have been occupying part of my headspace for a few weeks now, and I'm anxious to get around a table and start ironing out some agreement.

My goal is to negotiate the financial part with the financial advisor, then take it to our lawyers for the rest of the agreement. He hasn't asked for any child custody, we haven't got any property to speak of other than the house, so support and dividing the financial assets is really all we have to argue about. I really hope our meeting goes well and makes some progress.

H has been pretty good. He's been the one providing a car to S17 and soon to S15; if it were up to me they'd be sharing my minivan with me. He stays at the house when I work out of town, and in April I asked him to start staying one Saturday a month so I could have some respite I could plan on; that's been great. I was such a ball of stress that I was not being a really great mom.

Since my last post, my mom's been diagnosed with end-stage dementia, spent several weeks in the hospital and rehab needing around the clock care from my dad or me or my siblings, and finally moved to a memory-care unit which took a lot of burden off family. I try to go visit my dad and her as much as I can. He pretty much spends all his time with her except to sleep and a few hours a day when he pays an aide to sit with her. She's physically healthy at least, and her care unit is great. It's always interesting visiting there.

My kids are doing pretty well. S17 signed himself up for the SAT and took himself and a friend on a college visit last weekend, so I'm encouraged and proud of him for taking initiative. He's taking early dismissal and working a lot at his new job...Domino's. I buy pizza at least once a week now. S15 is off to a fair start for the school year, and he's back to picking sores all over his hands and arms, but he's very happy when he's online, and he's spent a few visits with a girl he met online. H and I have both met her and I met her mom and dad when I dropped him off at her house. She's only 45 minutes away. I know what he'll be doing when he gets his license...

I'm working a second little job to help make ends meet, walking dogs.

In all, things are good. I could complain about a few things H has said or done, but don't feel like it. I'm sure he could complain about me too. We don't have to like each other.

So now I'm going to go read up on all the things I've been missing around here. I hope if you're reading this, that you are doing well too.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: adinva] #2607043
09/15/15 12:16 PM
09/15/15 12:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,026
NY
Cadet Online

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Originally Posted By: adinva
The big question for me is on child support. I ran numbers in two websites and got two different results with about $500/mo difference between them. I know what H thinks it should be, and that's the higher of the two numbers.

Seems like it may vary from state to state.

And I believe the bottom line will be what the two of you can agree on.
I think better to negotiate if possible, hopefully you have a good lawyer.

Originally Posted By: adinva
I was searching the internet for helpful divorce info and found other sites that were lame, poorly written, or just questions with no answers...and thought hey, DB is way better than this! So I came back.

Good to know although I am not surprised.
We have a lot of very smart people here.


Thanks for the update.


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: adinva] #2607094
09/15/15 03:02 PM
09/15/15 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted By: adinva

The big question for me is on child support. I ran numbers in two websites and got two different results with about $500/mo difference between them. I know what H thinks it should be, and that's the higher of the two numbers.


Good to hear an update from you AD! Sounds like overall you are doing well. Regarding the above, I've messaged you in the alt.

Best,
BA

Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: BeginningAgain] #2607139
09/15/15 05:18 PM
09/15/15 05:18 PM
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I am glad things are going well and you are getting some time to yourself to recharge. I know that when I become a cranky mommy it means I need a break. It's good you asked for that time from your ex and he is giving it to you.

As far as the CS, I know in my state it's nothing more than a formula and it is non-negotialble unless you have other assest or money situation that needs to be taken into consideration. The formula figures in salaries, and parenting time and household and related expenses. But it is pretty much a mathematical equation. I am sure your layer or mediator can make that kind of cut and dry for the both of you.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you and you can have that closure.

Re: Living in a cyclone [Re: Ginger1] #2607458
09/16/15 09:20 PM
09/16/15 09:20 PM
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adinva Offline OP
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Thanks for the replies! The meeting went really well. We didnt cover as much ground as we'd hoped but got bogged down on a few issues we saw differently. I have homework (house appraised, talk to realtor etc). I noticed toward the end H got cold and put his jacket on though the room didn't seem cold to me. That's happened to me a few times in this long process and i think in my case it has been shock. I felt it on bomb night for example, and about an hour into my last meeting with the financial advisor back in may. You hit your limit of handling it and then chills set in. Anyone else experience this? I don't know if my interpretation is correct but it reminded me this is really uncomfortable for him too. Esp being conflict avoidant and emotion averse.

Thanks re the child support info. We await the pro's calculation but i did learn h had been intentionally giving less than half the mortgage bc he felt he should be compensated since the kids and i live in the house and he doesnt.

It's ok with me though i disagree with his rationale i flat out need to move if i'm getting all i'll be getting. It'll mean i cant afford to share the house with him. I dont feel particularly emotional about these things anymore. I'm just curious to see if we can agree on a fair settlement and then i'll adjust our living conditions if needed. I do know we'll be fine even if we arent in a big house.

I'm glad i waited to do this because i feel good about whatever happens, and i'm no longer as affected by his words or actions.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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