as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

[asitis]

I agree that there's a good chance I won't get an answer. Of course I'm not happy with that, and it would be helpful to understand. But I know that I may not get what I want in many, many ways. It is just one of the things that has really surprised me about her.

On another note, had my DB coaching. She agreed that my instinct that her having me looking for signs & starting the inviting W do to things w/ kids & I occasionally sounds good, and that it is about trying and seeing how it goes, and stopping what doesn't work. She also liked my shift in focus to stop watching her for signs and focusing on moving ahead to get to my life.

We talked about my buying the place settings etc. She liked this was both going to send her a signal, but also was an opportunity to open connection and plant seeds for the next stage (if it comes) with new threat of seeming to pursue. Since W is going to be in that space, include her in some of the decisions about what to do. Both W & I have fairly good aesthetic sense, and I'm sticking with things that are safely within both our tastes (they are similar enough to what we bought as a couple). But now ask her opinion about some of those next choices to add some zip, like picking out the place mats & napkins. Treat it like an appendix to the house. Something we share and she is part of that we can work on to please both of us.

Told W what I got and why. She was pleased. I told her I would like her help or get her input on some of the next purchases to go with the stuff I got. She was very happy to help and seemed genuinely excited that we were moving the apartment we share past the crash pad stage to some place we can have friends over and feels more like a home.

The other thing DB coach suggested was that I explicitly tell W that I get that she doesn't see us as a couple, and that I'm not about to resist or change her mind. That I knew she would not make a rash decision and that she was making a decision that she felt she needed & I wanted her to be happy along with all the rest of us. I then suggested that instead of involving someone else in the negotiations at this stage that we start with some of the things we are likely to agree on and work from there. If we get to things where we can resolve something or need legal advice, we can deal with that then. She said she was thinking along the same lines now that she had looked into how things work in a D (she has apparently been reading the D for Dummies book my MiL bought her months ago, as it is not where it has sat since then). She was going to suggest the same thing.

The reason for this suggestion was that DB coach said that D negotiations are actually an opportunity to develop bonds and intimacy by being able to work well together without help to address the needs of both of us. Hadn't really though about it that way, to be frank, but it make sense. If we can work well through this most difficult time of our R, that helps the R (even if it doesn't save the M).

Not excited about this, but she's in agreement. She said that neither of us is happy with this, and that she has gone so slowly because she really wanted to by totally sure. That of course wasn't fun to here, didn't react. Funny how you can get comfortable with a route ahead, but doing it is still emotionally difficult when you are actually doing it.

So she is agreed we will find some time soon to sit down and start the process. I did say that we can move forward to create a better S that we can live w/ and take it from there, and that while some things will need to be legally settled for a D but that once we get to that place the big thing seems not to be the final legal arrangement but that we've taken care of the living arrangements so that we feel we can live our lives. I left it a bit vague. Wanted to say that I thought when we got to that point, we didn't need to rush the D, but could just stay give that true S some time while we saw how that arrangement worked out. Not that I want to stall the D, although having that real space and sense of living her own life may lead to a change of view before we take the final step. More that almost every step there have been decisions, seeing how that goes, then some adjustment that we usually both agree would be good. But I caught my self getting too caught up in thinking about how that stage could go when we have no idea what will grow out of this stage one way or another.

We also did some chatting about my week of classes (both teaching & as student), some of her new students, what I'd be working on that was of interest to both of us. Low key chat.

Then I went to play w/ S3 who had wanted my attention.

Good encounter, a bit of yuck for me along the way, and now back to all the stuff going on in my life.

[asitis]

Other thing that happened today was that I had to miss S6's open house where we found out who his teacher is for this year. I asked about it, she said the teacher seemed nice but they didn't get much time to talk. I asked who it was (I've been active on our PTA, so I know the teachers better), and she said she couldn't remember her name (S6 couldn't either). I thought to myself, WTF? How could you not remember the person who would be our S's teacher for the year when S has some issues and we need to be working with this woman (all 4 possibilities are women)?

She said the name was on a sheet that she left in the car.

Asked if S6's favorite friend from K was in his class. When we did his IAP (Indiv. assessment plan), I had requested that they be kept together. Both have special arrangements, but they are clearly good for each other & really like each other. School folks thought that was a great idea, but I wanted to know if they had followed through. W said she forgot to look at the list. Again, I was like WTF, what did you do. STFU smoothies.

W will have the kids 4 school mornings a week, so we've agreed that I'll swing by and take S6 to school at least one or two mornings per week (esp. the days W teaches). So, I suggested that I would take S to school Monday so I can meet the teacher. She said that would be great and very helpful.

She volunteered to do the food shopping for the week (obviously not for me). I said I would be doing some, and wanted to make Sun. afternoon a day to cook some meals ahead and freeze them both for me & for my nights w/ the kids, & I'd take care of that. I also said, I'd try to make hummus & pita (S6's favorite lunch - he takes after me on this, as it's always been one of my favorite foods) on Sat., and make enough for a couple of his lunches. Which she thought was great.

So, more positive cooperation combined with some puzzling lack of interest/focus on the open house.

[mutatio]

You seem to really have it together asitis. I wish I was as wise as you. Keep up the good work.

[otw]

I do find the coparenting makes the sitch quite interesting. You want to include your w in plans for the kids but it is prob not the best for the R. I am currently struggling with this. It seems you are dealing pretty well. Best of luck.

[asitis]

I still will invite the W to do things occasionally, but I'll give it a pause, before restarting that. And, I'll focus on doing more fun things with the kids rather than inviting her to just dinners.

I wouldn't say it isn't good for the R, as asking and being very casual about it still sends the message that I'm open to this no-obligations R that friends have. I think the DB coach is right on this. That said, it was getting me too focused on her, and I needed to change that so the dynamic would be better for both of us. She also said that she didn't think casual dinners was something right now. Great, back off, and try a slightly different approach. It is not that it was having a bad effect on W, but that it was clear that it wasn't joining us for dinner that would be on the menu in the near future. It was having a bad affect on me by not moving my focus more fully on me and my path.

All that said, I've been working for months w/ DB coach to - as she calls it - let the dust settle. The emotions, the tensions, the pressure, the reactivity. All of it. That has indeed happened. It hasn't meant a course change in the M, but it has improved the R enough that doing something like inviting W along makes some sense. A couple months ago, it definitely would not have been a good idea. So timing is important. Inviting S along is not either a good idea or a bad idea. It is all in the context of where your particular R is going.

I think you are a bit too early to worry about this from what you've shared, so I would just stick the idea in your pocket for later, and focus on the things that are already on your plate.

[asitis]

You seem to really have it together asitis. I wish I was as wise as you. Keep up the good work.

Thanks, but don't sell yourself short. I was a mess for many, many months. I've made a boatload of mistakes. I've worked long and hard, and had a whole lot of help. I've been working w/ a DB coach now for 3.5 months. I've had years of IC. I've had some mental health training, but more importantly, I've had lots of conversations with people w/ lots of this training.

It still takes time. It still is tougher than it may appear from an outside perspective. And, there really isn't anything special that means you won't get to a really good place with lots of good insights & instinct.

You're doing pretty good from what I've seen, and you have not had as many months of making mistakes before you got here and stopped doing most of them. So, have some confidence.

[Zelda09]

I am glad to check in and see a generally positive direction in you and your sitch. They say agreement draws closer, disagreement separates. Like in improv, the jokes fall flat if someone says no and doesn't go with it, right?

Stay strong, and thank you for the time spent reading my long posts and weighing in as you can.

[asitis]

Thanks Z. I'm glad I've been helpful.

I agree that getting more agreement builds. Not trying to hold out much hope for the M, but it should be better for the co-parenting R. Who knows about the M? That just can't be my concern at this point as it is too far out in the future anyway. I've got enough on my plate right now (which helps a lot - end of the Summer was rough from not being busy enough) to look too much beyond the step or two in front of me.

[PigPen]

Thanks for stopping by my thread As, your input is really helpful.

I do see a lot of the parallels in our situations despite my lack of kids to work with. Our W's seem to be in similar spots - making what would appear on paper to be progress with us as H's, but doing so while continuing to head for the door. Maybe this is just how it has to happen before they'll be willing to stop, look back and possibly turn around.

Your point about not worrying about the M as it's too far out in the future is spot on, I feel that too. Now it's about rebuilding a friendship, a long one. That in itself is a challenge when the interactions are interspersed with business, and DB'ing.

I like the focus on you and work, I'm doing the same thing. I've even thought that if my W today were to somehow make her own 180 and tell me, I'm ready to work on R 100% I'd let her know that I'm still considering traveling for all of next year and that isn't going to change no matter what happens between us. I gave all of this year to her decision, next year is mine.

Keep keeping on As. From my perspective your sitch is making progress too. It's hard for all of us to see from the inside, but you've got this handled well in my book.

We all appreciate how much you give on this board too, I don't think there's a single person on here who hasn't benefited by you dropping by and lending your thoughts.

Have a great Saturday. Big hug to you.

PP

[asitis]

I'd agree that there are a lot of similarities. And we lost my beloved dog a couple years ago & haven't replaced gotten another because of the chaos of raising to kids & careers (and now the M sitch), I know that there are pets who play a very similar role to kids in the hearts of some couples. Your's is clearly one of those. Dogs are a lot less complex of course, but what to do when the couple is S is very challenging in a similar way.

One of the things I have had to learn is how to focus on me in a way that doesn't seem as closed off or selfish as I perhaps was in the past. I'm less available to W, but the feel is definitely more open, friendly, and healthy. Hard to explain. But definitely been one of the growth experiences I've seen myself go through.

Thanks for stopping by & giving your support. You have been doing your own part in helping a lot of others here. That's what makes it work. So many of us are doing this.