First, a brief summary of some of the most recent developments (there is a recap of my sitch in the first part of part 3, so go there if you want more background):
W & I separated in early February, and she asked for a D in mid April of this year. She was very, very angry for a while, but that seems to have dissipated in the past month or so. There even seemed to be some signs that she was starting to think about us in ways that suggested the D wasn't as certain in her mind. However, she has consistently maintained since April that she is sure she wants the D.
A bit over a week ago, she indicated that she wanted to start pushing ahead on the legal front so that we could D after the end of this academic year (we both teach college, I am also in a M.A. in Mental Health Counseling program, and we have one S in elementary school & one in daycare). I had tried to locate a mediator with mental health training in our area, because we both wanted to go that route. There are none. So, I handed over the only suggestions from the people I asked and left the ball in her court. As of Monday, that sheet was still conspicuously laying on her office desk when I dropped S6 (who doesn't start school until next Monday off). I was a bit irritated to see it lying out where anyone could see, but didn't say anything.
I have a DB coach who has worked w/ me since May, and thought there were signs of progress. She wanted me to start planting seeds for the friendship phase, which entailed some activities that I felt were a bit like pursuit (inviting W out occasionally when I did something w/ kids), and they kept my focus on W a bit too much. Not that this was DB coach's intentions, but the combination of her advise and the apparent signs that things might be changing left me paying way too much attention to my W and our R.
Some of those things were her volunteering that she was reading a M book that I had really liked & recommended over a year ago when I didn't know not to do this. She also said we about things regarding the house and maintaining it together that seemed to be things we wouldn't be doing if we were selling the house as she has wanted in the Spring. Combined w/ the lessening of her anger and seeming interest in chatting during our trading off location & kids, left me holding out too much hope and giving her too much attention for either of our goods.
So, I have my next DB coach session tomorrow. Very interested what she makes of the developments in the past 10 days or so, and how that might alter her advice.
My focus has been to redirect to moving much more aggressively forward on getting on w/ my life wo/ my W. We've sort of been in limbo on furnishing the apartment we share (she & I rotate between our house & the apartment to keep the kids in the stability of living in their house) because it was initially meant to be a short term experiment in S.
I spend more time in the apartment because of scheduling. If we D, we will need to purchase some duplicates of things we have now. Some things of ours are obviously things that she will most likely keep & I have to replace, and some the other way around. And, one of the things I want to be able to do when I'm in the apartment is to have friends or people I'd like to become friends over. I went ahead and purchases a 4 place setting, some flatware, wine glasses, and regular glasses. I will ask W to get a set of pots & pans so I can bring the other one over here. I still need place mats & napkins.
W doesn't know yet that I've done this. But I'm signalling that I have accepted her decision and am moving on w/ or wo/ her. I'm tired of focusing so much on her and am ready to go ahead. If that changes the dynamic between us & she reconsiders, it will be much cheaper than what the D will cost, so I'm just plunging ahead.
I still feel baffled at times as to why she is making her choice, as the explanations she has given don't provide enough info to really understand. But I accept that this has been consistently the way she feels, and she may truly have decided that she is not coming back to the M no matter what. She has said that she doesn't see any reconciliation as a possibility for the foreseeable future, but that maybe in many years. For now she just wants to be alone (or as alone as a mother can be without abandoning that).
Neither of us are seeing anyone. We've both agreed that we don't want to introduce that additional complexity while we are negotiating the D. Further, she really does want to be not in an R so that she can figure herself out. We also agreed that we would inform the other should we change our mind about dating so that the other is forewarned rather than surprised.
I'm back in a really busy schedule teaching two classes & taking three for my Masters. It is very good to be back in a sitch where I have a lot of social contact with nice, nurturing people. It also really does make it easier for me to ignore my W while still being friendly and pleasant when we do come in contact. She & I work on the same floor of our building on the same campus, so we do see each other regularly. I just don't have time to stop and chat long or to seek her out. She is definitely getting a different vibe from me, and it is not me trying to play some strategic game. It is genuinely not being focused on her.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thanks for sharing. I am looking down the barrel of dealing with separation mediation after 4.5 months of living under the same roof trying by myself to turn things around. I will keep up with you and may ask advice.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I'll be glad to help. I'll try to look in on your thread and catch up on your sitch. Hang in there.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you for taking the time and sharing. I feel down just reading about the direction you wife is heading. I still struggle trying to understand why they cut and run. Sorry,I'm feeling a bit down tonight. Peace
It is more that she hasn't shared enough for me to understand. I know she has given it a lot of thought, and that this is very hard for her. I also know that I have to respect her wishes even if I don't understand them. And, quite frankly, that is the only path that makes sense in terms of building a healthy and potentially loving R with her.
On the one hand, I am still not understanding her and that bothers me. On the other, I am able to focus on myself and my life and let her truly have the space that she feels she needs to care for herself. How could I do otherwise? Ultimately, I do love the woman. I do have an R with her. I am doing right by both of those. That can't be wrong, and the truly letting go really is the only path that has any possibility for reconciliation. Not that it's always easy, but accepting that and being able to really take your focus off her (and even when I've said I'm focused on GAL in the past, I realize that I still had more focus on her than myself, and that this wasn't good for me, her, or our R/M).
Hang in there. It took me a long time to get to that point. I don't see anyway around that, so I don't beat myself up over it. Patience is for yourself as well as your sitch.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
You are a fine example of how to behave while dealing with complex and challenging circumstances, thank you for your continued openness it is very inspiring.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
You are all welcome, and I'm glad you are finding what I post helpful. I hope she doesn't fully understand herself, but I suspect a lot is that she is not willing to open herself up to me and go into depth either because it is too painful, she doesn't want to hurt me, or she just doesn't see the point.
And I do struggle a lot at times, and my mood fluctuates. For instance, the last couple days, I've just been wrestling with why she won't really explain herself and why she really thinks divorce is the answer. There is still a big sore spot in me from that, even if I wouldn't like the answer, it is hard for that sore spot to heal when you keep poking it by wondering.
About to have my DB coach call. I'll post later about that.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
For instance, the last couple days, I've just been wrestling with why she won't really explain herself and why she really thinks divorce is the answer. There is still a big sore spot in me from that, even if I wouldn't like the answer, it is hard for that sore spot to heal when you keep poking it by wondering.
That's something I thought about very early on in my sitch and it bothered me also. So many questions, so few answers. The truth is she may not give you an explanation or answer because she may or may not even have one. Even if she did, she may not feel she needs to explain herself to you. It's her life after all, she can do whatever she pleases with it. Nothing you can do about that but accept its her right to chose how she lives.
Is that something you can accept, that she may D you and never give you a real explanation? That she may never speak of your M again, that there may never be that moment where the fog lifts and she regrets anything?
She may walk away from your M and never look back again, no second thoughts, no regrets, no unhappiness. I don't think any of us can accept that early on, but it is a possibility.
So, can you move forward knowing there may never be an answer to some questions?
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
For instance, the last couple days, I've just been wrestling with why she won't really explain herself and why she really thinks divorce is the answer. There is still a big sore spot in me from that, even if I wouldn't like the answer, it is hard for that sore spot to heal when you keep poking it by wondering.
That's something I thought about very early on in my sitch and it bothered me also. So many questions, so few answers. The truth is she may not give you an explanation or answer because she may or may not even have one. Even if she did, she may not feel she needs to explain herself to you. It's her life after all, she can do whatever she pleases with it. Nothing you can do about that but accept its her right to chose how she lives.
Is that something you can accept, that she may D you and never give you a real explanation? That she may never speak of your M again, that there may never be that moment where the fog lifts and she regrets anything?
She may walk away from your M and never look back again, no second thoughts, no regrets, no unhappiness. I don't think any of us can accept that early on, but it is a possibility.
So, can you move forward knowing there may never be an answer to some questions?
Zues gave me something along these lines early on As:
You may get half the truth in three years, so be ok with that.
It [censored], but it's true. Her version of why she's doing this is going to go through so many iterations anyway, it just depends on the day you talk to her.
My W originally told me she left "to save your life". But then when I told her I had gotten sober added "I thought you would just explode into drinking, doing drugs, and sleeping around as soon as I left and would go as dark as dark could go. Thus I had to move far away." Very different than altruistically leaving me to save my life...
Your W may not want to say anything for a dozen and a half reasons, none of which would make sense to you, nor which make sense to her.
Sorry As. It_is_what_it_is.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
