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pbetra Offline OP
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Venting. I feel a little upset.

h left msgs 4 me last night (turns out that it did not concern the two of us for a change). I think he realizes that I have been pleasant but 'lukewarm,' got the msg and eased off a bit. This was good b/c I did/do not want to hurt him but needed the time & space.

anyway he wants to take child, C "to meet granny". I don't know what to think!

When we first got married, h tried to keep things calm re his family. A few years after we had the baby, he made a decision. He did not want our child to be alone with his mother. He didn't "trust" mother with C - his words. Not long after that he cut off ties with her.

My mother in law is extremely dishonest ... has no moral compass. The woman weaves the truth as it suits her. She has a subtle craziness about her - I say subtle b/c she cries easily. She portrays the victim role very well & has fooled a lot of people. She is manipulative and likes her way. Is the controller as I mentioned in earlier posts.

C has heard h arguing with her (very badly,very passionately, throughout the years. He had asked me a few years ago why his father "hated granny" so much.

Re C: I feel that after the major move, now a separation (about 2 yrs after move) - & now this (?!), would simply confuse him. He has grown up most of his life without "granny", and does NOT like her (!) b/c of what HIS father (not me!!) has said throughout the years. h was NOT discreet re his feelings when defending himself with his other family members or family friends.

I do know that h is unable to keep up his rent & other expenses. He has to move in 2 months. I also know that he spoke with his mother since he moved out, although briefly from what 'came back to me.'

My mother in law is proud & always wanted a 'picture perfect' family regardless of the many issues & had asked h many times in the past to bring c (picture taking etc). This may be a moving issue & having the child be part of the sitch(?) Really don't know! I was so surprised ... I simply responded to him - this is not the time.

Was I wrong? confused They are so o o o o o ill! sick I don't want c around their mess.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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job Offline
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Did your h give an explanation as to why he wants C to meet granny? I would be concerned about the sudden change of heart.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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pbetra Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: job
Did your h give an explanation as to why he wants C to meet granny? I would be concerned about the sudden change of heart.


Hi Job,

h said that he does not want c 'to pay' for his feelings about his mother.
I think this is a 'reasonable' response. however, he had always voiced his reasons WHY he felt the way he did & why he did not want c around her. He does not like the hypocritical, "dangerous" (his words!!) person that she is.

This is why I am wondering if he is getting desperate (?) since he has to be on move again.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Oh
Another thing just occurred to me. He mother had tried to 'entice' him re bank related matter. He said (at the time), that he would rather starve that accept anything from that $%$%^ (this was just pre-mlc so not that long ago!)

Now he has no place, no money ...

It wreaks with suspicion. I may ask him to talk sometime this week BUT I need to calm down !!!


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Hi there,
left my computer for a few minutes earlier today & that turned into a few hours!

h's request/ "granny"
Just wanted to post feedback re: h's request concerning child C, & "granny".
I did not ask h as he stayed w/ c whenever he came & I simply did not get the opportunity, although I tried! h was often quiet - strange (?) It did not 'feel' like the right time.

Re the contact following the request, h has been brief with me whenever he would visit or call for child. He never mentioned his mother. It appeared to be a thought re convenience. His plans worked out temp. in that he got somewhere to "camp out" (his words), he has not brought up 'granny' again.

I am relieved. I really need a break from 'drama' & toxic distractions. sick The sad thing is that C really does NOT like this woman (granny) at all. All from his father too (!), who was often careless during heated family conversations. Not me! I have always been careful esp. as a 'non- relative'.

It is amazing how situations are changed relative to needs, so since it has happened before, it can happen again! confused In any event, I am glad for the 'break' from it at the moment.

child
C was doing well but has been getting quieter, "wants privacy" ..."isolation." After my next project, i will try to consistently have stuff planned to distract him until he gets used to the 'new' situation. The good thing is that C talks to me, most times, wink so I know what's going on.

our connections
I am also beginning to get feedback from people we know/knew as a couple. "So sorry to hear" "call me" ... I suppose the news is getting out there! Some are curious about it I guess. I really won't have very much to say should I meet them (as one must be prepared). I just don't need to get into any 'heavy stuff' when I am trying to get better, that's all.

I don't always feel comfortable with some of them, but that's life, isn't it? I am thinking about the people we met with as a couple when we first got here. People who I liked, developed a relationship with, people who have heard the most disrespectful things re me. I will miss some of them ... more loss. frown Like I said, that's life, isn't it?

my evening
Anyway, time to attend to a few domestic activities - & relax a bit afterward before bed. I want to wake up early to get some work done re project.

Keep on keeping on fellow db-ers. That's all for now ( thank you God!!! laugh laugh )
p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Joined: Jun 2014
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pbetra Offline OP
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Thinking 'on screen' ...

Life is 'curvy'.

My finances are low (again) so that's a bit stressful. I continue to hope for something consistent. Sometimes I feel so tired, but financial stress can do that.

H is around regularly. C is happy but likes knowing that I am nearby - doesn't really want to be with h alone. I leave the two to do 'whatever' but I stay in.

btw - We are friends as suggested but the conversations have been 'safe' ones (since I will not bring up any R) grin
btw, h's mother is bad guy ... again! Reality is changed re her once more (?)

h came on real strong a few weeks ago (& a few times after that) but has calmed down due to my lukewarm reaction. I felt this was driven by desperation. I don't always feel good about how suspicious I have become. However, I really can't differentiate between what's real or not with him. He's practically the same both ways eek ( the sitch is like the boy who cried wolf)

Haven't been able to GAL as much as I am trying to have my work materialize in a reliable way. I continue to learn about helping myself in areas I didn't think I could. That's a good thing.

Going to read a few posts before signing off now (can't advise as you know - am no expert here! ), then break, then back to work. smirk
Wish you all well with your own sitch in adventure land wink , aka db land ... p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Hi guys,
Just dropped by to wish you all a good Thanksgiving laugh
(I know it will not be "happy" for many), but maybe those of you who are just beginning on this journey can make it good for yourselves somehow (?) The Holidays are fast approaching so I needed to write this now if unable to later!

I have been very, very busy generally speaking, trying with work. It's been a lot for not too much $ LOL Oh so typical grin
Got quite sick for a while, fatigued with all sorts of weird things going on - all without explanation. I think this was just my body speaking to me - yelling "stop" "pay attention, you need to slow down, make some changes" Soooo I did. I have ... re working.

I still exercise although not as frequently - but regularly (due to work).
Still meditate although without the best results ( due to work). grin
GALl but not too much (due to work, income is small - & can't always say "yes")

h is very much around. I did what was suggested - just friends. Good thing too, because there were days I could see the 'crap-pretend self' emerging in between his personas or whatever that was. All this, until not too long ago!

H seems to have a more heightened interest in child, C. Interest in parent's well being (although spotty), where there was disdain before. And wanted to get me "something special". shocked We hugged good bye and he was more cuddly than usual.

There are times, I still don't know what is real or not re h. I am still trying to determine if we will be a good fit for each other in the long term. I see no urgency in hurrying to find out I am enjoying what I can with C.

The Holidays will be modest but good. However, I listen to music as I prepare - music is happiness in sound for me smile
So my fellow dbers, again a very Special, meaningful, holiday Season to you ALL. Make it so. I do hope to jump in again but boy does time fly! p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Hi everyone,

Another year for us all - best wishes for 2016, although delayed everyone (It's never too late to wish anyone the best!)
I am finding it harder to get time to post as regularly as hoped. frown Wish i could read & post more often. When i do have time online, I am looking of ways to find opportunities for myself, my family. It takes hours - & not always relevant in the end.

There are no great changes to 'report'. I started the year with great plans, positive outlook & anticipation.

Unfortunately, the reality is that it's getingt harder. I no longer have help. I get sick often -  fatigue doesn't leave. I dont feel proud to admit that I dont always feel hopeful - so much involves energy I don't have. Its hard in midlife to have to try more with less, to try harder with less energy, less strength.

I do wish I had less sporadic income. The strain is getting to me ( like 99.9999999..... % of the average folk in this 'global economy' Im sure !! i know i have lotsa company! eek

I worry about this re health issues 4 parent should something/emergency arise.
I need it for child's needs.
It's too 'close to the edge' 4 comfort. Know what I mean?

I have been exercising. sporadically at times but the good thing is that the periods in between are not overly lengthy. So i have maintained a good weight.  Meditation needs more work though. I find it hard to focus. I am not able to help child, "C" as i did just a few months ago!! 

h comes by frequently to see us (which I don't always like this b/c I don't have the energy to pretend that things r great wtih me). The thing is though that it's not critical to the point where i feel i must make the effort unlike b4.

I do see some sort of changes in him - greying in & out I guess. H seems more 'responsible' sometime, interested in parent's & child's life & well being. TALKS to me a lot when here about stuff, things he wants to work on
Then, he invited me out shocked ... My friend encouraged me to go. We were both so surprised! (I wasn't sure b/c I knew that a few of the people who heard the worse things about me were going to be there, & I didn't know if I would b comfortable). This was one of the events that I was unceremoniously dropped from by him since this all began.

At the event, h was gradually getting drunk. He even jokingly asked a woman (while plastered) for her phone number in front of me! That was after, casually flirting with other women throughout the evening (in between being attentive to me). We're 'friends' now remember? So no claims here! He told me that he didn't mind if the men flirted w/me - but I knew why. It would make his actions 'ok'. This was up to a point,  I think even he surprised himself.

I got more attention as time went on (probably b/c everyone was getting more relaxed?? blush ). Anyway, h soon became 'almost possessive' (I think he was surprised that I got attention at all! Mind you the only one more surprised than him was me! I am sooooo 'out of it', not to mention  that this experience can affect one's confidence (getting the boot for the prettier younger models with whom you CAN'T possibly compete with their perfect skin & hair). All who he flirted with were younger, although not overly so in all cases ... BUT younger than 50's. He did this 'behind my back' since mlc first began, it's odd (& disrespectful) that he would invite me out and do this 'in front' of me! Someone made a comment about "my husband" ( which i could not hear w/music) ... he held my hand & said "you're beautiful." I nearly wet myself blush I suspect that this guy was quietly observing more than I realized, noting h's behaviour & what I was exposed to. I had to put on an act at times when i felt personally humiliated. I did take my friend's advice though. I had a good time for me in spite of it.

Pre-event
h talks as though we would get back (under 'normal circumstances/when sober), he talks as though we have a future (when sober laugh ) . He working at something & it's a big fish so he's on cloud 9. All this talk seemed ok until this. He put on party music similar to that of the event and begins to do a little dancing. However, while dancing, h lifted his t to show me his "muscular definition" (!) all while dancing to the party music, his smile really BIG across his face & looking in the mirror.

I thought 1 - he has a long way to go. 2 - I have no patience or smirk energy 4 this. I am too busy trying to stabalize my life for my family - the vulnerable two whom I care for. A child & an ill parent. This is day 2 of a headache i have - i am afraid. I see no real hope in h unless certain things change. He talks so well even admitting certain things, but after event & muscle definition session ... well ???? In any event one should not depend on anyone. (He's back with one of his buddies - the two had a disagreement at the time, so it's no wonder that he seemed more mature. Now they are back again ... not 4 me to figure out)

h was dropping by to see C today but went out with buddy. I know Ill hear from him later. The difference at this juncture is that he seems to be marrying (freudian slip?) the two worlds, whereas b 4 he kept our family & his new life many degrees apart! So, pre eveninghe was growing up, around event he meets buddy, good times come back to mind (?) & behaviour changes as buddies renew estranged relationship! Post event, the influence of renewed relationship (TBA) eek

I really hope that 2016 will improve. Life is about the quality of life not constant struggle. Geez ... for crying out loud !!!!

I'll be back by Easter laugh after I catch up on some reading here. Easter is the season of re-birth ... I hope for something to come through on my side. Looks like h will b fine regardless of outcome, he's smart, screwy but smart. He'll land on his feet. My feet? They are sore lol

Anyway, take care all db-ers, again, the best to you with your own journeys! smile
p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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hi
didn't expect to be back here so soon. I am not venting but rather reflecting - & here's a safe place to do that.

At the end of the day, no matter what, no one should be dependent on another.
This is the lesson I have for my child C. It resonates more than anything right now, mlc or not.


1st married
When h did not want me to work when we first married, he suggested that he would take care of all -"just look after the home." It seemed like a perfectly normal remark. After all, we were living among other homemakers like myself. The men hung out together & we would do our 'thang' ..

I regret this. I should have thought more about me & just not accept this. It s not h's fault, I should have thought MORE about this. We were young & happy. I was stupid to not think more.

Me as a child - da clues!
I was always busy doing stuff since I was a child - entrepreneurial stuff. I didn't even remember (!!) that - always up to something grin And made $$ too! Right through to my early 20's. Fabric & creative endeavours ...
I lost myself ... Homemaking defined 'me' after a while or 'consumed' me ... gobbled me up.

This is how frail life really is.
Had the economy remained healthy & where money was no problem & we continued being comfortable, we would just be looking for the next 'adventure' to have! cool Fact is, the foundation was not strong and an earthquake high enough on the mlc richter scale levelled all.

I dont' know if i should even be coming here. I am not piecing .. not trying 'overly hard'. I feel depleted after this. But it's b/c many things were depleting me prior to this. shocked There is only so much I can do.

h
I am friends with h. I went out with him (as I mentioned in the post prior to this). This was the first 'real' invitation since this began. I was not 'excited' so to speak (partly due to the others /invited). I was curious & without expectations. I went with a 'friend'. Again, it's the trust thing. We have spoken since that evening. He NEVER brings up R. He talks a lot to me, is even nice to me, but R never comes up (at times, I don't even know why he's here!)

He took C. out for a walk recently which was nice. The interest in family/ family stuff was non existent for so long. He does come across as 'more normal' sometimes, until particular triggers (buddy, alcohol) are present, at which time, he regresses. The 'maturity' re: opinions, advice returns when those influencers are out of pic.

1st things 1st!
I know I may have said this - but these times are becoming more challenging. I have to use what personal resources I have left for meaningful things. Those things that matter. I cannot put my eggs in an 'unstable basket.' Maybe this is why I do not handle the M with urgency. You see, I was wondering about this. Was not feeling too good b/c so many others here ARE trying.

Sooooo ... what's wrong with me? Right? This is what led to 'reflection ' in the first place. I need to be stable. I can't afford to be or feel vulnerable. My money sitch is flakey ... I worry about emergencies. Am too close to the edge. The security is not there. I am working on this. I KNOW the opportunities are there in this 'whole wide world' grin - I just haven't found them. I keep changing routes hoping that the destination would be the one I want.

To sum it ALL up, A L L of it
At the end of the day, no matter what, no one should be dependent on another.
Tell your children & your grand children. - depend on yourself!

p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Hi everyone,
been busy making a living.
Can't really complain about anything too much.

My changes:
Got a little braver - have grown a little more indifferent (re this entire experience). Can say what I want & not care less (unlike before when the fear would well up. Interesting though what happened to my heart (!) (re: fear issues), a while back. It was awful -

BUT it's okay, I am proud that i have made some baby steps! smile
Wish I could go out MORE! Wish I could travel the world! Wish I could ride a spaceship BUT it's OK. All in good time!! grin

H and I are friends - although not close ones. That's ok. cool It goes on.
My child, C is doing well enough - could be so much worse. There are ups & downs, but that's life. I am loved and cherished by C so that's BIG of course. We try, that's all we could do ..

I have thought of many of you at the forum quite often, & attempted to start writing many times but was unable. I did get sick at one point because many 'priorities' turned up at the same time. You know that when it rains, it pours frown I still managed 'to save the day' BUT in the end my immunity was a bit comprised & my body 'caved' lol Still did it tho! Did all! And I am doing what I should! I still get through so much, so I feel alright. I don't worry about the future as much as I used to.

I hope that you are all getting on with your lives in an improved way. This forum was my lifeline when I needed it. I will NEVER forget, never! Love you guys blush
bye for now, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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