10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us?

[Cadet]

yes, it seems now I need to get a good lawyer.

YES - agreed.

It is very typical for them to get more entitled the further this goes down the road.

Unfortunately the legal wranglings can be fuel for their fire, however I think the quicker you can get an agreement the better off you can be.

[HPoirot]

As I prefer to negotiate this instead of going to court for custody, I'm thinking I will respond to her email with something like...

"XW. In April I told you I was moving to Florida in June and asked for your support getting S12 into school there for 6th grade. You proposed that he and I stay here for another year to transition and that by necessity I would move down first to meet my company's requirements and to get settled. Then you would bring S12 down to a prepared home and he would start 7th grade then with both our support. You said we could make that a legal agreement. I agreed that a transition year would be a good idea, told my company I would move later in the year, and asked (the condo owner) to stay here longer to support your plan.

Now I am asking for your support to keep to that plan. I will send you the cost effective school alternatives and neighborhoods I have found for your consideration. I am considering only the best options for S12. I am also willing to discuss helping you with travel expenses to visit. Your relationship with S12 is important."

Something like that. Stating what I am doing. Not putting her down. Asking for her involvement. Not being a wet noodle. Good enough?

[HPoirot]

Here is what XW said back in April...

If you are in agreement with the following, perhaps we can make this work for all of us – especially our son. But more than anything, co-parenting requires talking and making joint decisions. If you don’t talk to me, I don’t see how this can ever work – especially long distance. To be honest, that is why I filed for custody in the way I did. I was so frustrated. I want to work with you as we raise our son and you just haven’t wanted to do that. It is ok to not want to talk to me – I get that. But we cannot co-parent and not talk.

If you want to co-parent and raise S12 together, I think we can do it. Here is what I propose:
· Shared custody both primary and legal.

· --S12 finishes 6th grade here and moves to Florida in 7th grade. We can make this a legal agreement HP.
· --For 6th grade, S12 remains here with me for the many reasons i have shared with you. He is not ready to move but I believe we could help him get ready if we do this in a slow and well thought out way. This will also give me time to look for work in the area and make a move there if I can find a job. Like you, I don’t want to be part time parent and not see my son often. If in the short term moving with you and finishing school there is best for him, I want to make that happen. But not so fast and definitely not without taking the time to find the best school for him.

[Wonka]

HP,

Forget doing this DIY on this complex matter. I'd consult with a L and be sure all i's are dotted and t's crossed. This isn't something that XW will agree. You NEED to do what's best for you and S12.

Get all the divorce agreement finalized and MOVE to Florida with S12.

It's said that we move about 7 times in our lifetime.

[HPoirot]

Hello again Wonka. Thank you so much for the insight. I keep meaning to write posts about what it means to have been able to move away from XW while still DBing. At first I was so happy about the possibility to live with her for 6 months while we figured this out but thanks to your advice I was spared that. I am much happier thanks to your advice.

As for now, don't you think I should at least reply with my proposal first and reassure her that I want to work together and I'm not trying to take S12? I have done a great job apparently of acting "as if." She has mentioned in some emails she believes I want a divorce and only seems to react positively when I turn around and I acknowledge her concerns. I know I have to at least acknowledge her fears about this.

Either way, I want to make this agreement with a lawyer's help. I don't know how to get an agreement finalized and move with S12 like you say if now she is so against this.

I do have a call in to a recommended lawyer and will confer ASAP. For now, can't I say (again) I agree with her plan, want to work with her, and I am moving on?

[HPoirot]

The other thing is, S12 is on board with the move. He knows what I am doing and that I am making it the best experience I can for us. XW does not know that. Shouldn't I tell her that?

[Wonka]

HP,

I've got to run out the door now and will be gone for the rest of the day. Will return later on tonight for some ideas.

I am sure others will chime in here.

[HPoirot]

Hello Cadet. Yes, the entitlement attitude is very hard to deal with.

She writes asking me "from her soul" to reconsider moving to a place where S12 and I have family and friends. Says now she only implied S12 can move with me. Tries to tell me how to act and how to feel. Says she can't believe I'm leaving S12.

I should know that the irony of someone who has behaved as she has saying such things is lost on her. This is standard for WAW I know.

Even so, I am keeping PMA today. Still eating right. Coaching S12 through his guitar lessons.

But it is taking effort.

Life is interesting. The day I get my feet under me and restart my journey forward, I get XW saying she wants me and S12 to stay here. I also got a mysterious email from the director of my work to call him. For a few minutes, I was afraid I was fired.

Now today... a bunch of people I work with got laid off including the person I reported to. The director of our group called me personally to tell me I'm OK and I'm getting more freedom to do my work. And I see now that I'll have to fight XW to have the life I want with my S12.

This happens everyday... my situation is not different from others and others survive and even thrive. I do still believe this is all working towards a great something. So many good things have happened since BD.

Now I'm texting with my former co-workers. This is awful for them. It seems I was told I was OK before they all got their walking papers. Almost the entire team is gone.

I'm still here. Still working.

Onward.

[claire7]

HP,

As a mother, there is something about your situation that troubles me. It seems like you are having trouble understanding that your stbx doesn't want her son to be so far away, or that she changed her mind on such a critical decision .

Regardless of what your son says (and I would really question letting him be the decider at this age), I think it's important, if at all possible, for both parents to be physically present in their children's lives. I say this as a 6th grade teacher who has seen many of my students struggle with their parents' divorces and being shuttled to different homes.

I know this is not the prevailing sentiment on this thread but I wanted to offer a different perspective.

I hope you can both work it out in a way that feels ok to all.

[RAI]

HP,

What does "from her soul" really mean? She has made some serious judgement errors (putting it lightly). I do not think requests that are coming "from her soul" are more valid than any other requests. Just another figure of speech. Bottom line - she is acting on emotion, like all WAWs.

In reading your recent posts - they are awesome, BTW - I think you have been great at introspection. A real strength. I know that you had a vision in your mind about how it would go: you in Fla for 6th grade and S12 joining you for 7th. It was so perfect, crisp and tidy. Now W is changing her mind. Now is the time to really look inside yourself and reevaluate what is best for you and S12 in light of the fact that the sitch has evolved because your W has changed her mind. This has to (unfortunately) be taken into consideration. no?

RAI