Finally asking for help:

[MrBond]

We were actually separated for more than that. It was around the 3 year mark that my W started showing positive changes.

My W had an EA with her boss who was old enough to be her father and looked like her grandfather so I was in a tough situation. It wasn't like she could easily leave and not see him.

So in my situation, I decided to not concentrate on the A. I didn't 'wait' to see if it would die. I just lived, did my own thing and became the best dad around. Only you can determine how long you want to wait.

[PigPen]

We were actually separated for more than that. It was around the 3 year mark that my W started showing positive changes.

My W had an EA with her boss who was old enough to be her father and looked like her grandfather so I was in a tough situation. It wasn't like she could easily leave and not see him.

So in my situation, I decided to not concentrate on the A. I didn't 'wait' to see if it would die. I just lived, did my own thing and became the best dad around. Only you can determine how long you want to wait.

That's incredible. You must have a will of steel. Do you think having kids was what kept you in it Mr. Bond?

Sorry to hijack the thread.

[MrBond]

"Do you think having kids was what kept you in it Mr. Bond?"

That was part of it. In the end it came down to what I believed and wanted to do.

I had tons of friends and family telling me that I shouldn't "wait". I couldn't stand that. I wasn't sitting at home "waiting". I went out and did more than I did when we were together and I never stopped learning.

[PigPen]

"Do you think having kids was what kept you in it Mr. Bond?"

That was part of it. In the end it came down to what I believed and wanted to do.

I had tons of friends and family telling me that I shouldn't "wait". I couldn't stand that. I wasn't sitting at home "waiting". I went out and did more than I did when we were together and I never stopped learning.

Thank you for your reply.

Doing and learning. The learning seems to never stop from what I've gathered of just a short amount of DB'ing. It's endless. Thankfully so.

[Solo15]

Azzork: Lots of wisdom there. This is weird because the OM is basically unattainable, so she gets to pine for him, but can't be with him. I don't know what to do, but I am giving it time. I decided to just live in and move through the pain for now.

I am completely devastated, betrayed, broken down. I feel like my mind is a tiny cage and I'm in there with a tiger. I just can't get away from it. The pain comes from so many angles, it ricochets all over the place. I'm reeling. I think of my little girls, knowing that they will never have their family together again. I think of there hearts and how incredible they are, how they deserve so much more for their lives. I will be the best father in the world to them, but I know that they will be deeply affected by this. I wish I could tell them the truth so they understood that I don't want it to be like this. That I didn't break up the family.

EMMess
Thank you so much for the kind words and for reaching out. That actually really helped me.

MrBond
Thanks for explaining things. I guess I've just been emotionally and verbally abused by her for so long that I just can't see straight. She checked out 6 years ago. She is not coming back or changing her mind. She has a uniquely broken past, and a will like you have never seen. She is convinced that she will never be in love with me again, and that there is no hope for us. She is letting me down easy, but I have no hope of change. This stuff runs really deep. But who knows, maybe she will change. I can't count on anything now. I need to let it die, I need to let my life go, my past, and stand in the now and embrace that this is where I have to be. Soon things will get much worse.

I am trying to decide what is best in this situation. I feel like going completely dark. I cannot be what sandi calls her 'gay boyfriend', shoulder to cry on, handyman, plummer, etc. I don't want to see her or talk to her again. I have to about the kids, but man, I have never been more angry or wounded in my life. I am a good man, like a really good man. So many people in my life have said that I am one of the best men they have ever known. I am not this weak thing. What have I become?

[Azzork]

Going to just intersperse my thoughts in blue below.


Azzork: Lots of wisdom there. This is weird because the OM is basically unattainable while this may be true, an imaginary or unattainable OM can be just as damaging as a real one., so she gets to pine for him, but can't be with him. I don't know what to do, but I am giving it time. I decided to just live in and move through the pain for now. There really isnt anything that you can do about the OM once she knows that you know. All that you can really do is allow it to run its course. Instead, you should turn your focus inward.

I am completely devastated, betrayed, broken down. I feel like my mind is a tiny cage and I'm in there with a tiger. I just can't get away from it. The pain comes from so many angles, it ricochets all over the place. I'm reeling. It's tough. The pain of rejection and betrayal is real. But the less you think about it, the less power it has over you. Thats why GAL is SO DAMN IMPORTANT. You find something else to occupy your mind, and you stop thinking about the A and the pain for a little bit. First it's a second. Then it's 5. Then you can go a whole minute. And so on, until eventually it just comes up in passing. I think of my little girls, knowing that they will never have their family together again. I think of there hearts and how incredible they are, how they deserve so much more for their lives. I will be the best father in the world to them, but I know that they will be deeply affected by this. In my mind, whats important for my kids is to have two whole parents that love and care for them. Of course, I prefer it for these parents to be whole together. But I dont believe that the way my W and I were parenting before we separated was better for them than this. They still have all of the same people loving them, and now in possibly better, more healthy ways. I wish I could tell them the truth so they understood that I don't want it to be like this. That I didn't break up the family. They will know. Someday. Theres no sense in rushing to show you were the "better" parent or that you were the "fighter" for the cause of the marriage. Someday, when they're older, they'll ask. Tell them then.


Thanks for explaining things. I guess I've just been emotionally and verbally abused by her for so long that I just can't see straight. She checked out 6 years ago. She is not coming back or changing her mind. She has a uniquely broken past, and a will like you have never seen. She is convinced that she will never be in love with me again, and that there is no hope for us. She is letting me down easy, but I have no hope of change. This stuff runs really deep. But who knows, maybe she will change. I can't count on anything now. I need to let it die, I need to let my life go, my past, and stand in the now and embrace that this is where I have to be. Soon things will get much worse. I believe that there is always hope until YOU decide that you dont want this anymore. When you got married, Im sure you never thought you would be here. So now that youre in this mess, it's easy to think that you can never be a happily married couple again. As you can see in MrBond's story, they were separated North of THREE YEARS and are now back together. Im sure his W had many of the same characteristics as yours. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how much this relationship is worth to you and how long you are willing to stand up for it.

I am trying to decide what is best in this situation. I feel like going completely dark. I cannot be what sandi calls her 'gay boyfriend', shoulder to cry on, handyman, plummer, etc. I don't want to see her or talk to her again. I have to about the kids, but man, I have never been more angry or wounded in my life. I am a good man, like a really good man. So many people in my life have said that I am one of the best men they have ever known. I am not this weak thing. What have I become? It's incredibly hard. Thats why you shouldnt DO anything right now towards your W. You shouldnt DECIDE anything long term about your M right now. Work on GAL and detachment so that the pain can subside. Once youre in a clearer state,you can start thinking on the future more.

[Solo15]

Thanks for taking the time to drop me some wisdom, Azzork. I deeply appreciate it. All these things ring as truth to me. I guess what I meant about OM being unobtainable was more that there is no way for the A to fizzle out because it is locked in this state of her wanting to be with him whenever he comes around, or her doing crazy things to leave and be with him. Part of me wants to buy her a plane ticket and say I keep the kids, have a nice life.

I am putting the breaks on things until I have some stability. My intuition is an amazing thing. I am learning that the more I trust it, the more truth is in my life. I deny what my intuition is telling me because I'm in survival mode all the time. I want hope, I want to insulate myself from the pain.

I'm not even sure how to express this, but while she was away, on the day it happened. I felt it. I don't know how to say it, but I had this sickness come over me. In my heart I knew. I waved it aside as just some random fear, but I knew. I don't understand it. It was like the spiritual connection got severed. Might have just been a coincidence, but it shines a light on some things for me. I could see through her lies, into her feelings. I saw echos of this in her behavior coming for years. The echos got louder and louder. I saw them, and I felt it. It depressed me, and I would try and reach out to her. Try to pull her back. I saw this all forming and no matter what I did, nothing changed the forward momentum. She decided to become this a long time ago. If I had trusted my gut, I would have done differently, though it wouldn't have changed a thing.

We look for hope as a defense mechanism against pain. What did that hope buy me? Pain. I can't change her. I can only change me. In that space for 6 years I grieved before I should have, but I knew in my heart it was ending.

I'm closing the door, but leaving a light on. I don't know how long I can hold out, and the next few weeks are going to be tough. Gotta get through it. I'm not some broken thing. My bones are steel.

Bless you all for your kindness and support in the darkest days of my life.

[mutatio]

Solo15, you are still in emotional shock. you found out this week. Think all the thoughts you want but please don't make any decisions for a while. I would recommend not lashing out verbally to your wife, kids, or family until you emotional stabilize. I was a basket case for about a month after I learned about my wife's EA/PA.

It's weird you said you sensed when PA occurred. Me too, I swear, it was lunch time on a rainy Wednesday in December. I was calling her work phone, cell phone and texting. I just knew something was happening.

Solo15 free yourself from the cage you have put yourself in. Don't be a prisoner, don't view yourself as that. Mourn for your marriage, take some time and reflect on what you truly want. Then you with us at your back will find the way there.

Pain in life is inevitable, suffering is optional.

[Solo15]

Thanks mutatio for everything. I know you're right. My IC recommended that I get on some meds to take the edge off. I'm contemplating it, but I feel like I should deal with this inside. She has been texting and calling a lot up until yesterday when I texted back that "I am devastated. I can't talk to you."

I don't want to talk to her, or say anything. I have nothing to say. I have to have some space to get my head straight. I love her, but she has made her choice with no regards to me or my children, and I have to now make mine free of her.

Thanks again for the continuing to seek me out and support me. I t means so much. And to do so when you are suffering so greatly is a testament to the goodness of your heart. Bless you man.

[HPoirot]

Hello Solo15. 10 months I was exactly where you are. I can tell you taking AD meds were a big help to me and I recommend them to you. They will let you deal with this inside much better. They worked so well for me that I was afraid to go off them for fear of sliding back. I think I used them for 4 months then just stopped cold and found I was better than OK. I did eat while on them, though, and gained 40 pounds so keep working out and eating right.

Also, I found responses where I showed emotion to her like "I am devastated" will work against you. When XW was constantly texting and calling, I (with the help of folks here) stated the conditions I would respond to her and then stuck to them.

When she went too far with a text, I told her I would not be available via phone or text and she would have to email me. Then I blocked her from my phone.

Get used to not being too moved by her and not showing it whenever you are.

Keep going.