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In your own time. I am keen to know how you are

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hey RAI,
just checking in to see how you are doing. Hope you are hanging in there.
How was your trip?


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
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Hi RAI,

I’m just swinging by to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Please hang in there . . . you will make it!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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U-turn, My vacation was awesome. Thanks for asking. Possibly the best vacation of my life. S13 and S11 loved it. But as amazing as it was, it is all the harder coming back to my sitch. So hard to detach. I have submitted all the discovery paperwork for the D. I want and need to move forward. I don't want to do mediation. How can I do mediation and negotiate with someone whom I do not trust. There is no good will - mutually. There is so much anxiety surrounding the process. However, I know that I will not be able to detach adequately until we are no longer under the same roof. Still a lot of anger towards WW.

Originally Posted By: Mozza
As for your changes, maybe you can try to list them. The list doesn't have to be long, though certain items may be more important than others. In my case, I'm closer to my kids, closer to my parents, more knowledgeable about relationships, more self-aware and in better shape. That's just the start. It's not so bad. So yes, we change, even though it can be difficult to see it on a given day.

Mozza, I have definitely changed in certain respects:
1. I am more loving and lenient towards my children. I am recognizing each of their primary love languages and emphasizing them. I am trying to spend more time with each of them. I have more patience for them. I think I am seeing results.
2. I am in better physical shape. This was apparent on the many hikes I did during my vacation see below. I also look leaner and more defined. a long way to go still.
3. I am closer with my family, especially my sisters and mother. Part of it is that I need the support, and may still be self-serving, but I like to think that even when all this is over (if it ever is??) that we will remain closer than before.

raliced, it has been a few weeks, but thanks for the reassurance regarding telling D9. Thus far, kids know we are getting D. We don't talk about it much although S13 asked me if he will still see me daily after D. I told him no. Very painful. The (older) kids must all be going through their own he-- due to lack of information. I am also not sure what to tell them yet. I really need to work on getting them in to see psychologist.

Bob, when you tell me I am in your prayers, I know you really mean it. thanks so much.

I had been reading all of your threads briefly over my vacation (and some others, namely Fogg and HeavyD). I know we are all struggling in our own ways. I am so thankful that we have each other. Sorry I have not had too much time to visit your threads. Hopefully will have some time to catch up soon.

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
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Well today is my antiversary and anniversary. exactly two years since BD #1, which coinicided with my 15th wedding anniversary. I have good days and bad days. But overall, I feel pretty good today. I like the person I am becoming. I still struggle with detaching, some days more than others. I really don't feel glum today. Although I am still married and living under the same roof as my W, I do not feel very married at all. I feel single, and ok with it. I would not say I love being single - after 15 years of what I thought was a blissful marriage - but it's not terrible being single either. That said, In the back of my mind I am beginning to visualize how happy I could be with someone else. I miss intimacy - a lot. I miss the feel of a woman's skin, the scent of woman, the curves of their body - the neck especially, for some reason. I know that I am a work in progress, but I think that there is already a woman out there who will appreciate me. I just need to get through this awful D stuff. I hope I can trust again afterwards.

I saw OM today. I did not have the shakes. No pit in my stomach. NNo nuthin'. It felt good to be released from his grip. I hope my apathy towards him lasts and gets stronger. He was with his STBXW. I am not sure why his STBXW would want to be seen with him. I guess she has her own issues to work through. OM is so weak. I can see it from across the parking lot. He is so desperate for any kind of validation. He needed my W to give it to him, I guess. I think they deserve each other, as sad as that sounds.


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Well today is my antiversary...and anniversary. exactly two years since BD #1, which coincided with my 15th wedding anniversary. I have good days and bad days. But overall, I feel pretty good today. I like the person I am becoming. I still struggle with detaching, some days more than others. I really don't feel glum today. Although I am still married and living under the same roof as my W, I do not feel very married at all. I feel single, and ok with it. I would not say I love being single - after 15 years of what I thought was a blissful marriage - but it's not terrible being single either. That said, In the back of my mind I am beginning to visualize how happy I could be with someone else. I miss intimacy - a lot. I miss the feel of a woman's skin, the scent of woman, the curves of their body - the neck especially, for some reason. I know that I am a work in progress, but I think that there is already a woman out there who will appreciate me. I just need to get through this awful D stuff. I hope I can trust again afterwards.

I saw OM today. I did not have the shakes. No pit in my stomach. No change in my mood. No nuthin'. Just complete apathy. It felt good to be released from his grip. I hope my apathy towards him lasts and gets stronger. He was with his STBXW. I am not sure why his STBXW would want to be seen with him after what he is doing. I guess she has her own issues to work through. OM is so weak. I can see it from across the parking lot. He is so desperate for any kind of validation. He needed my W to give it to him, I guess. I think they deserve each other, as sad as that sounds. My M is over.

My W wants me to send her pictures from my recent vacation with S13 and S11. I really don't want to share anything with her right now. However, she may elect to not share with me in the future. I just don't know how much goodwill to project, since she is still in the midst of an A. I thought of perhaps sharing only pictures of the kids or scenery and not giving her pictures with me in it. Once the D is final, will there be this kind of sharing? Do I set the stage now? Anyone have any suggestions?

RAI


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Oh, I must have clicked submit prematurely. Sorry for the somewhat duplicate posts.

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RAI- What would be the downside of sharing the pictures?


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Ral,

You pose a very straightforward question. So why am I having so much difficulty answering it?

I'll give it a try.

I think it boils down to the fact that I still feel very taken advantage of and used. She is actively involved in an A. I am still paying for her every need. She is cake-eating to the max. I do not like the person she has become. I don't like doing things for her. Giving her the pictures would just be another capitulation.

In short, I just cannot seem to detach.

Any other thoughts?

RAI


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I feel the same way RAI if that is any kind of help.

I don't feel very much like sharing our photos of our last vacations, school events or anything when we were a family. I too feel taken advantage of and am appaled when W asks for things from me.

In the larger picture, should we not turn the other cheek? Yes, I believe so, but not now. Not for me anyway.


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