Onwards and upwards.

[Barry]

Hi all,
Just a post to say that things are slightly more settled now (thank goodness!).

I had a meeting with the school last week and we went through a few ideas as to how best to help S13. The headmistress told me that he's mentioned our impending D a few times, saying that he's generally unhappy and angry about it. I'm sure that's the case. As bad as it sounds though, I've a feeling that he sometimes uses the "troubles at home" trump card to make the school more lenient towards his behaviour. I told the school that I am on 100% on board in trying to help S13, but that I also need to show that I'm fighting his corner on the occasions that it requires it.

The D paperwork is going through, but I'm still waiting to get a timescale as to when I'll be in the position to give stbx her money. I'm still aiming for around 6 weeks from now.

I made my peace with stbx after last week's fiasco. I didn't realise at the time, but I'd actually made her cry...that's why she hung up on me. I didn't say anything that wasn't true during that phone-call though and my tone was fair but very firm. What appears to be happening is that stbx was immensly strong at BD and I was the weak one. The tides are changing a little now..Barry is now stronger day by day and there are crack starting to show in stbx.

As we were texting about S13 last week, out of the blue she said that she was sorry she'd hurt me so much but that she couldn't feel what wasn't there any more.

I responded the following day saying that I knew that and that I was sorry too. Sorry that this has happened regardless of the how's and why's, and that I'm sorry I can't tell her that I forgive her. Maybe one day I'll be able to, but I can't right now. I appreciated her apology, it doesn't heal the wounds though.

I do feel so much better, but I don't fully trust it. I've been here (or close to it) a few times although I do feel MUCH stronger now. I've made friends with a really great bunch of people and I've never had so much fun. I rarely think of stbx now and when I do, it doesn't upset me. Maybe the rollercoaster is just leveling out, I don't know.

Take care all.

Barry

[Fogg]

I do feel so much better, but I don't fully trust it. I've been here (or close to it) a few times although I do feel MUCH stronger now.

I have the same mistrust in my sitch all the time also. Those times I felt on top of the world to only crash the next day, made me hesitant to say I'm doing better. We learn from it and keep going forward, all that we can do.

[Barry]

Hey Fogg, hope you're doing ok.

Absolutely. The biggest lesson I've learnt at the moment is not to plan too far ahead. I do have a long term plan but I tend to only look at the next few days so that when something comes along to knock me off my perch, it's only short term goals it affects. It stops a drama becoming a crisis.

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update, Barry. I always look forward to them. As usual, you evolve fast. I was here 2-3 months before you and I don't have a single paperwork drafted! My D can't be pronounced before October anyway.

I made my peace with stbx after last week's fiasco. I didn't realise at the time, but I'd actually made her cry...that's why she hung up on me. I didn't say anything that wasn't true during that phone-call though and my tone was fair but very firm. What appears to be happening is that stbx was immensly strong at BD and I was the weak one. The tides are changing a little now..Barry is now stronger day by day and there are crack starting to show in stbx.

I've no judgement on this, but I urge you to remain very aware of your tendency to cover your actions with your words. Stuff like "I didn't say anything that wasn't true" is an interpretation of what you said. If we went through your statements one by one, would we agree with this? Same for your tone that is "fair but very firm" in your opinion. The risk is that you end up with an interpretation (it was all true! I was fair!) and she with the opposite (he lied to me! He was manipulative!), both of you absolutely convinced to be honest. But it starts with your shame of your actions ("well, maybe that sentence was manipulative after all") that you try to cover. It's ok to say "I went too far on this, I shouldn't have put it that way, etc." People will love you more for your vulnerability, bot less for your faults (which they know already). Otherwise, somewhere deep down you're not fooling yourself and you'll get angry at the world for your own lies. It's typical of Nice Guys to hide their flaws in shame.

You have a historical tendency of doing one thing and then claiming the opposite ("I'm not badmouthing WW, but I said..."). People notice these things and it probably affects the perception of you by others, how much trust they have in you, whether you can influence them, etc. It is hard sometimes to acknowledge our actions for what they are, especially when it's the opposite of what we believe we should do. But it's another way to bring peace in your life.

Anyway, you're dealing with very difficult stuff right now, way more than I do, and you seem to be doing it well. Keep DBing.

[Mozza]

We want an update, Barry!

[Barry]

Hi all
(thanks Mozza, good to hear from you...great work in your sitch, and yet again I see similarities as you'll read later).

So here I am, over 5 months in. It's been several weeks since my last post, and a lot has happened in that time.
This could be a lengthy post.

To update my sitch...I've filed for D, and stbx should be served any day now. We did have some delays but overall, the online divorce process seems fairly straightforward. I have had to do some chasing up though. If there were any "battling it out" to be done, I wouldn't advise it be done online but if things are amicable then it is possible to D at a fraction of the cost.

There's zero chance of R between her and I now, and she continues to treat me like a stranger. We have NC except for anything about the kids (rare), or critical updates on the D. We're currently thrashing out the final financial details for the Consent Order to be drawn up. It's not ALL amicable but we're getting there. I'd describe things as "frosty" between us at best.
I have the finances in place to pay stbx her £10k, so hopefully in the next 4 weeks or so I can move back home with the kids and she can do whatever it is she wants to do. The sooner the better.

In my last posts I was saying about having some issues with my S13 at school, this is far more settled now. I've taken over completly from stbx as regards his schooling and we are making progress. Slowly, but progress nonetheless.
All the kids and I have spent as much time as we're able with each other, but what with either living away, working shifts, school, exams, dance classes etc, it has been somewhat limited.

It hasn't been easy being away from the family environment. I've gone from being the Dad and Husband in a family of 6, to feeling very alone sometimes. It's partly their ages too, they would have been out most of the time with their friends even if me and stbx we still together. I don't expect them to put their own lives on hold because of our sitch. It's part of their coping mechanism too. Whatever helps them, helps them. They all have this to cope with too, and all I can do is be here for them...they aren't little any more.

Regarding my own emotional state these days, as I've said before, I was going for longer and longer each time before having any real tears, even though I felt upset and angry. The anger was more productive for me. I had one night about a month ago where I'd arranged to meet S13 and he bailed on me. D16 wasn't ansering my calls, S18 was at work and S20 lives away and I couldn't get hold of him either. I hadn't seen any of the kids for about a week and any contact was initiated by me...every time. It was starting to feel like I was actually being punished for leaving the house and them at Christmas. It wasn't a good night.
It's not like that really, and it all got sorted out in the end. Thankfully, I haven't had any emotional outbursts since then. I continue to take anti-depressants. I've had a serious case of man-flu for a week or so now, it's a wonder I can even type this out lol.

So anyway, speaking of feeling alone.
A good friend of mine introduced me to online dating. I was very skeptical about the whole thing but agreed to make a profile on a well known site. I put a recent picture on and left it at that.
I had quite a few hits. I was pleasantly surprised. Some weren't my type but there were some attractve women, fairly local, who had sent me messages.

Now I knew I wasn't ready to be thinking of dating but I have to admit, it was exciting.

Under duress from my friend, I got talking to a few of them. Some came and went, but three were keen on meeting up and I kept up the conversations with all three for a few weeks. Anyway, I met one for a coffee and although I knew we were going to get on (we'd spoken on the phone a few times), there was no connection as such. We both said so, said we'd keep in touch (we have) and wished each other luck. I met another for a drink in a country pub - loving summers day. I tell you, this woman turned up looking like a supemodel. Unfortunatly, she didn't have the personality to match and was a dull as dishwater....NEXT!!

So then I meet up with the third one. I'd been talking to her for around a month and we'd gotten to know each other fairly well. We'd chatted on the phone a few times and she invited me to her house for dinner. I went, and was both excited and terrified. The last first date I'd been on was 24 years ago.
Her daughter (who loved in the flat opposite) was there too and we all had a good laugh, and some very nice food. Anyway, time was getting on, and the daughter went home. I stayed for a final coffee before hitting the road and one thing led to another.
I stayed the night.

I wasn't really expecting that to happen. I honestly thought I was going for dinner with someone who had become a freind through our online and phone conversations. I'm not gonna lie though, I've never had a night quite like that before.
I met up with her again a few days later and she was even more keen than last time. It was all really fun but it felt too much too soon. I spoke with her about it and ased her if we could put things on hold for a while whilst I deal with my immediate sitch first. She understood and was fine about it. We keep in touch but I think we both know my hearts not in it. The contact is tailng off. I learnt a lesson there....slow down!!

I'm only looking out for Barry and his kids now. I just want to go home.
I'll get there soon enough.

Till next time, take care all.

Barry

[Mozza]

Juicy! I won't be the one disapproving of your steamy encounters. I'm glad to know that it was fun and that you might see another side of sex. While the general wisdom here is that faithfulness is the way back into a healthy M, I would personally hope that this encounter would raise your expectations of sex and bring a new level of satisfaction in your married life, be it with WW or your next partner.

There's zero chance of R between her and I now, and she continues to treat me like a stranger.

These statements drive me nuts. You don't know that. You just don't. And for just about everyone who have reconciled on these boards, there seems to have been a phase of hopelessness. Just ignore it. I also feel like there's a zero chance, but then I catch myself and realize that I don't know that. I just have to have the maturity to accept that. It's outside of my control. Today is not like tomorrow and we LBS should know that more than anyone.

Another thing that I would encourage you to do is to take more responsibility. I understand that your friend pushed you to be online, but it's irrelevant. You did it of your own free will. If he pushed you to fire a gun in a crowd, you would have told him he's crazy. You used your friend to do something you wanted, which is to meet women. I mention it because you bring up your friend twice, suggesting it's important to you to share the responsibility.

This is a theme that repeats itself a lot in your story, where you find some way to avoid responsibility for your behaviors. Trying to cover your actions with words is another such way. I see where this is coming from: the fear of shame and rejection. I have the same. But I have learnt so much from expressing myself clearly, facing and surviving rejection, that I want to encourage you to just plainly state what you want and do and admit that it's because you wanted it.

There's a lot of positive in your post. It's good to see how much effort you put in keeping in contact with your kids. Also, I'm glad to know that you're getting closer to being back in your home. I can see why you want it. I'm curious to see how it will work out though, given all the family memories in there. As for the D proceedings, please keep sharing how it goes. I'd say that things are a little frosty between WW and I, though always cordial on the surface. But it feels like we're both putting on fake smiles and politeness when we talk.

I'm very glad you came back to update us. Looking forward to your next update.

[Mozza]

Really Barry, you're gone? Not even a little update? Your story is very interesting and I'd really like to know how it developed, ever so briefly.

[Barry]

Hey Mozza (and all), thanks for your continued interest.

So I'm back home with three of my children now, STBXW and D16 are currently living with the BFF I mentioned before and are still looking for a new place to live. The BFF and HER husband of 14 years have now also split up and are divorcing. No surprises there, my ex and her mate have always been too close and ultimatly, their friendship has played a huge part in the destruction of our marriages. There is a lot of talk in the area where we live that they're both lesbians (there has been for a long time but that's really got tounges wagging!).
I don't think that's the case personally, although it would explain a great deal.

There is still no OM on the scene, or at least not one that she is being anything like open about. She goes out partying a lot though so for all I know, she could be with someone different most nights of the week. All the lesbian talk going around will probably accelerate the process now anyway.
The divorce is still going through - however it is taking longer than expected. There's some delays in the British judicial system, and they don't rush for anyone. The sooner the better now.

My GAL activities have taken a massive nose-dive since I moved back home as I've been concentrating of re-decorating and changing everything. It's looking amazing, and to a really high standard, I'm really pleased with the results as are the kids. All of them have said how homely it looks and feels now, which is exactly what I was aiming for. The boys have their own rooms for the first time in their lives and I've really given them a nice space to call their own. When I first moved back, the place was in absolute turmoil. It reflected STBX's mental state. She was never house-proud, but my God, a bit of self respect wouldn't have gone a miss!

One of the most hurtful things, was what she did to our photo albums. We've treasured those albums for over 20 years, of out wedding, and of the kids when they were little. She left me a bad of photo's, and in amoungst them, were the pages which had been ripped out of the albums. She'd litterlay torn them to pieces. I still have the photos obviously, but I pernally thought that that was uncalled for. I didn't bother talking to her about it.

I continue to take anti-depressants and have only had a couple of relapses over the last 2/3 months. I didn't stay there long. It helps that I have a very special female friend who's been so supportive to me since this all happened. It may possibly become something more than that in the fullness of time (more than likely to be honest). We're not rushing into anything though, and in fact, I've not so much as kissed her. We've been friends for around 8 years and have always got along really well. She's been a rock for me since all this happened and has taken quite a shine to me now I'm getting back to some sort of normality.
We'll see how it goes. There's no rush.

I haven't dated anyone since the last time I was here, I've been way too busy for that, and all I really do at the moment is work, sleep, and paint! I've taken time out to do things with the kids and of course, now it's easier to spend time with them now I don't have to arrange visits etc. It's not hugely important that I'm with a woman - in fact I quite like not answering to anyone but myself!

STBX and I don't have any contact unless it's about the kids or the divorce, and even then it's kept to a businesslike manner.
We aren't friends.

My financial status has taken a slight turn for the better, as I've taken a second job on the weekends on. The debts are coming down and by the time I need them to be, everything will be paid off. It's my 40th birthday on the 29th, which feels like a new beginning for me. Everything has changed so much in the last 12 months it's unbelievable.

I'll stop by as and when I can to catch up on others sitch's and update my own.

Take care, Paul

[Mozza]

Thanks for giving us an update, Barry. I was just thinking about you this morning, wondering exactly how you were doing.

I'm very sorry about the photo albums. It does sound hurtful, especially as we're at our most sensitive these days. Things seem to hurt more than upset us, isn't it? Acts like this one are symbolic too and that's where it hurts. I've some precious photo albums too and I'm glad that my WW never tried to go after them (although kind of sad that she doesn't seem to care).

I find your special female friend interesting, especially that you managed to do nothing beyond the emotional support. It's good that you manage to go at your own pace, and probably hers as well. On the WW side, the absence of OM, the recent separation of her BFF and the planned move are all intriguing. I hope you'll continue to come and update us every now and then. Overall, you seem to be doing good. I'm especially impressed with the work you've done around the house and you shouldn't underestimate it: it sounds like major GAL. Congrats for impressing your kids.