Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of the people, places or things in your life fit any of the following 20 categories.
Types of toxic relationships
The there is emotionally unavailable to you
You are overly dependant on the other
Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler.
Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
So much is me me me or us us us
Where the flipping heck do I begin
I thought I was starting to detach but I can see I am nowhere near
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
stay strong. I know from what place you are talking, we have all been there. It does get better with time, it really does, but it does take months for it to be starting to turn.
In this situation our spouses turn into someone else, someone we've never met before.
I am not saying this to hurt your feelings or to project anything upon you, but you do have do protect yourself against the actions of your wife. Protect your heart and protect your financials, because your W just became an alien. Surely you have started wondering who is this person... She might come around, but it will take months if not years.
Hang in there buddy, we are all rooting for you...
That is excellent Ghost that you are working on yourself, identifying your issues and resolving them in a positive way. We all have baggage and sadly most choose to ignore it and just push along. But when we are confronted with a difficult life situation such as yours (and mine and everybody else's on these boards) we start to look within and hopefully we gather enough strength to start resolving our issues.
We are working on us, we are growing, we are clearing toxicity from our lives.
If you work on yourself and leave your W to the higher powers to handle (because in all honesty, you cannot do anything for her, she has to figure herself out), you will in time reach calmness (it will take time and in my experience you can count on at least a year). Do not waste your time to try to figure her out and on the futile attempts on fixing her (YOU CANNOT!!!) and you cannot nice her back into the relationship. I know you know your W better than all the world combined, but she is another person now. I am not saying to be a dick to her, be friendly, but you must detach for your own sanity.
In my own experience you will see flashes of your old W from time to time, but mostly you will not recognize her and her behavior will produce a lot of WTF moments.
She will try to guilt you in a lot of things, she will try to make this about you and she will try to control you and keep you in your place. Those are my opinions and before 25 rushes in with a 2x4, I stand by my words. I do hope (and I pray) that I am wrong in my assessment of the situation and you will get back together in the very nearest of futures.
Ghost, friend, I am not trying to be funny and I do want to offer my full support to you. You will find yourself confused a lot of the times, you will struggle with your feelings a lot of the time,but it does get better in time, it really does. Read others' threads, do offer your support to them and do give back some support you receive from the wonderful people on these boards. Commenting on other people's situations will give you a greater insight into your own. Go out in nature, go mingle with friends, (jump)start your life for you and your children...
Although I do not know you, we are brothers in this situation.
So read the detachment thread and then re read it then read some more but I still do not quite understand how the heck when when you have been in a R for many many years having been totally attached doing things for each other and with each other
How does one detache from the one you love
Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point
Going to read some more
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Thank you vapo will be looking at some more threds from other people later
I guess at the moment I am trying to nice her back in and we are getting along but I know her feelings have not changed and,I know I cannot change her thoughts she has to be the one to do this
25yrs has been very supportive as have many of the other people and without the help and support from here I do not know quite where I would be
Last edited by Ghost56; 08/09/1511:40 AM.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Go out, get a life, immerse yourself in activities, do stuff for you, hiking helps, exercise helps, get yourself in shape, do dress nice, smell nice, look your best, start feeling good about yourself, start liking yourself, and detachment will come, a little at a time. There will still be triggers, but they will sting less and less as time progresses.
Do read Sandi's 37 rules, they're pure gold. And ask questions, drop by the forum to rant, ask questions, come here when you are feeling in the dumps. It does get better, it really does...
You are not unattaching from the one you love and have loved for that time. That isn't detaching, you can still stand.
Detaching is very different, it is letting go of the outcome. It is attaching to yourself.
It is doing that which works for you. It is doing that which you need to do for you irrespective of the effect it has.
It is following the process that works for you.
It really is not to be in a safe emotional place, you can still be detached and it works for you but be hurt.
For example Vapo has an anniversary, chooses to go out for a meal with some friends instead of moping. It is done because that works. The S may either a. Be angry b. Be disappointed c. Not care d. Rant e. Pick nose f. Eat cheese
It doesn't matter, Vapo still goes out. It is sad not the best night but it works for Vapo.
So how did I detach? Initially I used a technique called third position or fly on the wall. I looked at my WH and I and the sitch and said what would the fly on the wall see? As if I were the fly on the wall.
Another techniques is "best adviser technique" ie what would the very best adviser I have tell me to do? How will they mentor me? What would Wonka or Cadet say? You can have a team of advisers for different things, I have Nelson Mandela on my team, I also have Sherlock Holmes and Lord Dennison.
Yet another technique is older self, pretend you are 5 years older looking back what would you tell yourself?
It is about stopping W,your thoughts about your sitch from driving your physiology, feelings hence emotions and behaviour. It is giving you back the power to drive all of these for yourself from your own core with that which works for you. Irrespective of the effect of the outcome.
Given two equal choices though, you will always do the one which benefits all.
Oh yes, children always come first.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/09/1501:34 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Ghost - when I think of the word DETACHMENT I initially pictures it as the spaceship from Apollo 13 detaching from the other ship. The physical letting go and letting the other ship orbit freely.
Unfortunately, it's really not like that. It isn't about the PHYSICAL act of release. It's more about the emotions. The physical stuff is easy. No contact, light breezy conversation, no touching, etc.
But picture your emotional relationship as a ball of two color spaghetti - it's not so easy to separate that bowl into two piles of the separate colors, right?
