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Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: Underdog] #2439026
03/18/14 02:52 PM
03/18/14 02:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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AS,

I do miss Blue Bell ice cream down in the South...the best packaged homemade ice cream in the US!

Now that you're officially D, we all now can bring in our Scotch and amaretto to your house without having to climb in the back windows.

When you get the chance, please do swing by my detention center, The Breakfast Club. You'd be glad, for once, to be locked in a room with us. grin

Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: Wonka] #2439495
03/20/14 04:15 AM
03/20/14 04:15 AM
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 683
Mi
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RockJC Offline
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Mi
I am sorry to here it ended this way, but glad that the D process went smoothly and that you got the partnership. Best of luck.


M43, W37
D5, D11, D13
DB 12/11/2012
Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: 7720] #2442264
03/31/14 09:26 PM
03/31/14 09:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,173
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AnotherStander Offline OP
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AnotherStander  Offline OP
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Good grief, I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since I posted! Time is zipping by! Everything is great, as each day goes by I actually feel even more excited to be leaving my M behind! Even though I was the LBS I suspect that I feel more free than my XW, I really feel liberated! It's awesome! smile I'm in the process of getting the loan squared away to compensate XW for the D settlement (half the house, etc.) I got a killer deal on a 15 year loan- 3.875%. If I pay half of each payment early (basically pay half the payment twice a month instead of the whole thing once a month) and make one extra payment a year it'll be paid off in 7-9 years, so that's what I'm shooting for. I've been pretty busy but I've been carving out time to do fun stuff too, like Saturday I rode my Harley to go see a bike show with a live band, it was a blast! Rode back with 7 other Harleys, they MADE me drive fast wink

Originally Posted By: 7720
How long did the whole process take? Once you decided on D? If you did not agree on everything how long would it have taken?


Well there's a 60 day "cooling off" period in Texas, my XW filed the petition last August and had her L draw up the decree, but then she sat on it for months. I finally requested the decree and we sat down and went over it and marked it up. If she hadn't backpeddled, the D could have been completed in about 2 more weeks. Because of the backpeddling it was delayed again while she kept trying to add more money in (for her) while I tried to reason with her (I'm so silly, thinking I can reason with a WAS! Have I learned nothing? wink ) Anyway, once I agreed to her inflated numbers it took the L about two weeks to modify the decree and then just a few more days for the court date. So it's conceivable that a D could happen in just a little over 2 months between filing the petition and finishing up in court, but I've talked to a lot of divorced people and it seems like delays always pop up. Some other states have longer cooling off periods, I think the longest is 1 year.

Originally Posted By: Underdog
Welcome to Surviving. Maybe some day they'll change the forum heading to Thriving after Divorce.


Betsey, that's awesome, I love it smile

Quote:
Comparing it to the wedding day, it sure seemed like a pathetic end to all the time we shared and the children we produced, and all the experiences and growth that took place.


Exactly, it pretty much ends in a whimper, doesn't it? It starts surrounded by well-wishing loved ones partying and enjoying themselves and ends in a cold, outdated courtroom with a grey-haired judge staring down and a room full of bored onlookers listening in.

Quote:
As far as the real reason goes, I'm pretty sure that if your XW had given you the effort you deserved into creating the marriage that you wanted, you wouldn't have had to make that choice. So... congratulations for having a green light and taking advantage of the process. Hell, you had to have *something* swing in your favor, right?


Thank you! I'm sure if she had made the choice to try, we'd still be together now. But I will never forget her refrain from BD through D- "I just don't want to try." Hard to combat apathy!

Originally Posted By: Wonka

I do miss Blue Bell ice cream down in the South...the best packaged homemade ice cream in the US!


Now I want to go to the store smile I haven't had any in a while!

Quote:
Now that you're officially D, we all now can bring in our Scotch and amaretto to your house without having to climb in the back windows.


ROTFLOL! Forget the house, let's take it out to the pool! I'll fire up the margarita machine too!

Quote:
When you get the chance, please do swing by my detention center, The Breakfast Club. You'd be glad, for once, to be locked in a room with us. grin


Awesome, I'll do that!

Originally Posted By: RockJC
I am sorry to here it ended this way, but glad that the D process went smoothly and that you got the partnership. Best of luck.


Thank you! The partnership has really kept me hopping! It's a good kind of busy though!

Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Good luck with your partnership.

Sounds like good things are ahead.


Thanks, so far so good... no make that GREAT smile


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: AnotherStander] #2442305
04/01/14 02:06 AM
04/01/14 02:06 AM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
TX
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willbwell Offline
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AS, you sound great! I am still at that teetering place...

No doubt you can't make this stuff up....

Maybe one day in my time I will know...something??

Thank you for always sharing.
wbw


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: willbwell] #2442541
04/01/14 08:22 PM
04/01/14 08:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,173
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AnotherStander Offline OP
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AnotherStander  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: willbwell
AS, you sound great! I am still at that teetering place...


Thank you, and don't worry about where you are, you will be in a really great place again some time. We're each on our own timeline but we get there sooner or later when we put the DB'ing work in smile

Quote:
Maybe one day in my time I will know...something??


The only thing you need to know is that YOU are a GREAT person and your WAS's mess has more to do with him than you. Find yourself and leave him to it. THAT is the path to finding your happiness and contentment again smile


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: AnotherStander] #2442728
04/02/14 04:38 PM
04/02/14 04:38 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,173
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AnotherStander Offline OP
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AnotherStander  Offline OP
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Had an interesting convo with my sister last night. My sister was good friends with XW and apparently XW confided some things in my sister that my sister didn't want to tell me, but I guess she figured since we're divorced now it doesn't matter. One was that XW was indeed having an affair with OM. I assumed it was happening all along, but never had any proof of it. XW kept saying they were just friends. I didn't believe her, but I kept that to myself. It's not really a surprise. Another thing, throughout separation W never was at peace about leaving me and talked to my sister a lot about it. She said it was really eating her up, and she's convinced that she "gave herself cancer" (in her words). She's probably right, XW has ALWAYS kept everything bottled up inside, she's like a powderkeg looking for a match. What else, oh, OM is a smoker, that was news to me. XW has always despised people who smoke and drink a lot of beer (OM does both), but hey, the OP is always a step down and she's not the first WAS to lower her standards, LOL! My sis hasn't talked to XW since the D, but leading up to the D XW still expressed confusion over what to do. I'm sure that if I hadn't pushed for D it would still be in limbo. Anyway, it doesn't change anything for me but it was an interesting convo!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: AnotherStander] #2443480
04/05/14 03:17 AM
04/05/14 03:17 AM
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 104
Altamonte Springs, FL
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Live4myDay Offline
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I've been following your thread...you are in such a good place. You sound sooo much like my WAS...except you were the LBS. How do you do it? Its been 3 years since D was final and he came out with OW (not sure how long before D he was with her). Anyway, tell me where the on/off switch is. I am in such a better place now and have done all the work on GAL and PMA and worked on myself. I have a new amazing life 1000 miles away from X. It's gotten easier but there is still than pang in my heart when he's talked to my D or S. I have NC with him. Have you started dating? Has your X encouraged you to date? Everyone says that finding another relationship (not necessarily a rebound) but just companionship and friendship helps. When you found out the convo with your sister how was your sister about it? That's a lot to hold back from you until recently. Just trying to pile through my own muck it's nice to see someone move forward so fast.


M: 49 H: 49
S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago)
M: 21yrs
BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months)
D: 3/11/11
Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery
X: engaged w/OW
Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: Live4myDay] #2443683
04/06/14 03:48 PM
04/06/14 03:48 PM
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 947
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swoop Offline
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AS,

You still inspire me, Buddy! It always seems like our paths and circumstances are so very similar. It gives me a lot of hope, that maybe one day, I will be in such a great place. Glad to hear you are doing well!


Me:46 Her:38
My D: 11
Her S: 8


Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: swoop] #2443777
04/07/14 01:32 AM
04/07/14 01:32 AM
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 897
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JayMan Offline
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AS - I so want to buy you a drink sometime. I hope I can find my way to your neck of the woods some time...

Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: Live4myDay] #2444481
04/09/14 08:45 PM
04/09/14 08:45 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,173
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AnotherStander Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Live4myDay
You sound sooo much like my WAS...except you were the LBS. How do you do it?


Well, as time went on (after BD) I started remembering that I wasn't really happy in the M either, I was just gutting it out because I thought it was the right thing to do for the kids and for God. We were great co-parents, but a lousy married couple. We had a consistent sex life, but beyond that we offered very little to each other. We both quit working at the M. I was totally willing to give it another shot but she wasn't and that's OK. We both have good jobs and can provide for ourselves and the kids, so we didn't experience financial hardships like a lot of people going through this do. S and D all went pretty smoothly and that's made it easier to accept. My XW is a great mother and a good person, she wanted out and I respect that now. I don't think I did early on (well, I know I didn't) but I'm at peace with it now.

Quote:
Its been 3 years since D was final and he came out with OW (not sure how long before D he was with her). Anyway, tell me where the on/off switch is.


It's on the back of his head, you activate it using a baseball bat. LOL! No don't do that I'm just kidding laugh

Quote:
I am in such a better place now and have done all the work on GAL and PMA and worked on myself. I have a new amazing life 1000 miles away from X. It's gotten easier but there is still than pang in my heart when he's talked to my D or S.


I still experience that now and then too, especially if XW is at my house or I'm at hers and all the kids are around (which is very rare these days). It's a reminder of what once was and I do miss that. There's no ill feelings though, it's more, what's the word.... nostalgic I guess.

Quote:
Have you started dating?


Yes, about a year ago so well before the D. I've been clear up front that I'm not looking to rush into anything, but that has worked out well because most of the women I've seen feel the same way. I only had one R that got semi-serious, but she got busy with her business and it kind of petered out.

Quote:
Has your X encouraged you to date?


It's hard for me to imagine her ever being comfortable enough around me to talk about dating, she's still very much a closed book when it comes to communication. We discuss things related to the kids but that's about it.

Quote:
When you found out the convo with your sister how was your sister about it?


My sis is over 10 years younger, so we weren't very close growing up. I think she was 6 when I started college, and after college I moved to another city, so we just never really bonded. I think she was actually closer to XW than me! So the convo was just kind of informational if that makes sense, no emotions around it.

Originally Posted By: suckerpunch

You still inspire me, Buddy! It always seems like our paths and circumstances are so very similar. It gives me a lot of hope, that maybe one day, I will be in such a great place. Glad to hear you are doing well!


Thank you! You've grown a LOT since the start of your sitch, you'll get here, maybe not as fast but it's not a race, we're all on our own timelines smile

Originally Posted By: JonF
AS - I so want to buy you a drink sometime. I hope I can find my way to your neck of the woods some time...


You bet, or just come hang by the pool and I'll get the margarita machine out laugh


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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