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Re: 20 year marriage teetering... finally teetered ;-) [Re: AnotherStander] #2554044
04/03/15 11:10 PM
04/03/15 11:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,126
Detached from EVERYbody
P
PatientMan Offline
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PatientMan  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,126
Detached from EVERYbody
Ground control to Major Tom.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Wow it has been 4 years now! #2594223
08/04/15 01:56 PM
08/04/15 01:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
A
AnotherStander Offline OP
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AnotherStander  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
Hello all! I used to be really active here but as my marriage crumbled I eventually needed time away to let my marriage go and adjust to my "new normal". BD was a little over 4 years ago, my ex moved out about 6 months after that and the divorce was about 2 years after that (1-1/2 years ago). My ex bought a house just a few miles from me and we've worked together to co-parent our 3 kids ever since. All 3 kids were still at home when she left, but our oldest is set to graduate college this year, the middle girl is starting college so we only have 50-50 custody of the youngest at this point. I started dating before we divorced but found it very difficult to get more serious than casual dating. It's not that I miss my ex, it's just that I've gotten so used to being independent that it's tough to bring someone into the mix. But, it is quite overwhelming trying to take care of a big house and bigger yard by myself while maintaining a full time job and trying to be a good dad, etc. I have to admit I'm still struggling a little financially too, after 20 years of dual income it's been a very difficult transition to cut back on my lifestyle! Anyway back on the dating thing, I have been seeing someone for over a year now. We decided to make it exclusive about 8 months ago. She is much younger than me but gets along well with my kids. She is very sweet and quite attractive. We have a lot of shared interests, things like dabbling in art, a love for motorcycles, going to waterparks and Six Flags, etc. etc. It reminds me a lot of when I started dating my ex so long ago. She's been spending a lot of time at my house lately which is starting to wear on my nerves, LOL! She's very helpful, keeps the place really clean (I tell her not to but she insists that she loves doing that stuff), but it's just stressful having someone around all the time again, it's a big adjustment.

My ex and I get along fine, we never really argued much when we were married and have had no blow-ups or anything since BD either. Interestingly once she found out about my girlfriend she has opened up to me about her dating experiences. There was an OP back during BD and D but that fizzled and now she's trying online dating. She has never once made even the slightest hint of reconciliation, once she was done she was well and truly done!

Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello, it's been far too long! I will try and maintain some contact here, this place didn't save my marriage but it absolutely saved me smile


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Wow it has been 4 years now! [Re: AnotherStander] #2594235
08/04/15 02:24 PM
08/04/15 02:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,010
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,010
NY
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
She has never once made even the slightest hint of reconciliation, once she was done she was well and truly done!

Welcome back, we were wondering about you.

What makes you think that your Ex-W 's crisis is over?


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Wow it has been 4 years now! [Re: Cadet] #2594245
08/04/15 02:46 PM
08/04/15 02:46 PM
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,970
NY
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RosaLinda Offline
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RosaLinda  Offline
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Joined: May 2011
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Hey AS! So good to hear from you! I think most of us were financially wrecked by our divorces. You know, you plan a whole life including retirement with the person you believe you will spend the rest of your life with, then wind up bombed emotionally and financially with 50% of your stuff and 25% of your heart. But you sound so good; it's great to hear. My ex and I get along much better now that we're divorced. How are your kids doing?

Nothing wrong with taking your new relationship slowly, I have found I have a lot of unexpected triggers left over from 38 years of marriage LOL.

Thanks for dropping by to say hi!! We've all been wondering how you are, especially PM.

Originally Posted By: AS
Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hello, it's been far too long! I will try and maintain some contact here, this place didn't save my marriage but it absolutely saved me
Ditto!!


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Re: Wow it has been 4 years now! [Re: AnotherStander] #2594328
08/04/15 05:55 PM
08/04/15 05:55 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,065
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sandi2 Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,065
I don't know whether to hug your neck or shake you for leaving unexpectedly. (JK) I wondered about you, and glad to hear from you again.

Quote:
She's been spending a lot of time at my house lately which is starting to wear on my nerves, LOL! She's very helpful, keeps the place really clean (I tell her not to but she insists that she loves doing that stuff), but it's just stressful having someone around all the time again, it's a big adjustment.


Oh AS........don't you realize that's what women do when they are trying to snag a H?

It sounds as if you may have become settled in your new ways. grin I cannot imagine what an adjustment it would me for me!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Wow it has been 4 years now! [Re: Cadet] #2594369
08/04/15 07:37 PM
08/04/15 07:37 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
A
AnotherStander Offline OP
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AnotherStander  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
So good to hear from you old friends!

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Welcome back, we were wondering about you.

What makes you think that your Ex-W 's crisis is over?


Thank you, good to see you're still here and still helping others smile I really have no idea if her crisis is over. She's actually been through a few crises, it's hard to tell where one ends and another begins, LOL! But she seems happy and positive, so I am glad for her. She's been through a lot the last few years.

Originally Posted By: RosaLinda
Hey AS! So good to hear from you! I think most of us were financially wrecked by our divorces. You know, you plan a whole life including retirement with the person you believe you will spend the rest of your life with, then wind up bombed emotionally and financially with 50% of your stuff and 25% of your heart. But you sound so good; it's great to hear. My ex and I get along much better now that we're divorced. How are your kids doing?


Hi Rosa, so good to see you're still here too! Yes, my seemingly solid plans for retiring by 60 are certainly shot to pieces, LOL! But I'm thankful that I still have my job and home and will just meet the future with a smiling face smile I've really learned from all of this that I don't have the control over my life I thought I did. So I'm just thankful for what I have and keep motoring on!

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I don't know whether to hug your neck or shake you for leaving unexpectedly. (JK) I wondered about you, and glad to hear from you again.


Well if you're offering me a choice I choose the hug, hahaha! I was glad to see you're still posting a lot in Newcomers and sharing your wisdom, your rules were indispensable in helping me get through my sitch and I've found myself quoting them to friends and family when they have their own relationship issues. Not to mention using them myself on a continual basis!

Quote:
Oh AS........don't you realize that's what women do when they are trying to snag a H?


I think that's part of what makes me feel so uncomfortable about having her around so much! Just the word marriage sends a little cold shiver up my spine! I know that's bad, but just being honest!

Quote:
It sounds as if you may have become settled in your new ways. grin I cannot imagine what an adjustment it would me for me!


I really have, I'm used to doing my own thing and having the house to myself every other week. I tinker with my motorcycles, work on art projects, build car models here and there, fly my R/C planes, hit the gym. At first I did it to GAL, but it has become my life now. And now there's this new person in there pulling me away from those things I've come to enjoy! It's really kind of ironic, that I had to GAL to replace the lost relationship but now I'm hesitant to replace my GAL stuff with a new relationship. I was helping her with her business and missed a week's worth of workouts and found myself really resentful over it. Ugh! So much to work on still smile


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Wow it has been 4 years now! [Re: AnotherStander] #2594381
08/04/15 08:09 PM
08/04/15 08:09 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Hey AS,

Here's a cold beer coming up at ya....

Cheers to the good life. Keep on truckin'. Yeah, Sandi is on point about women cleaning spaces....yep that's one "tell" they give out every dang single time regarding their intentions. smile

Re: Wow it has been 4 years now! [Re: Wonka] #2594387
08/04/15 08:15 PM
08/04/15 08:15 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,003
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Ginger1 Online
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Posts: 4,003
You should never have to replace your GAL for a relationship! It's not one or the other! Compromise and balance!

Re: Wow it has been 4 years now! [Re: Ginger1] #2594748
08/05/15 07:37 PM
08/05/15 07:37 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
A
AnotherStander Offline OP
Member
AnotherStander  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,308
Oops, I can't edit my first post but I was a little surprised to read my own timeline and see BD was 3 years ago, not 4. Wow it sure seems longer than 3 years smile I was thinking it was on my 50th birthday but it must have been 51st.

Wonka, many thanks, a cold beer is always a welcome sight laugh Uuuuuuugh you ladies are scarin' me, I may tell her no more cleaning, LOL!

Ginger, you are absolutely right! I've been trying to balance it, we were working on a project together (for her business) that ate up way more of my free time than I thought it would but it's done so hopefully I can get back to striking a better balance smile

I mentioned this in one of the Newcomers thread but a friend of mine that I have worked with for many years just got engaged. To his ex, they divorced 6+ years ago. They are much happier and more in love now than ever before. I don't know the details of their split, I'll have to ask him about it sometime when we're not doing work stuff. Every once in a while I hear something like this and it just goes to show that you never know what may happen. I would be shocked if my ex ever showed interest in me again, but clearly it can happen even after 3 years. I kind of hope she doesn't because it would turn my life upside down all over again! I really don't know what I would do.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Wow it has been 4 years now! [Re: AnotherStander] #2594787
08/05/15 08:53 PM
08/05/15 08:53 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,003
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Ginger1 Online
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Ginger1  Online
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,003
You know I am going to challenge you on this one......

If your ex showed interest, how would that turn your life upside down?

If mine showed interest I'd die laughing on the floor then say " over my dead body". Then carry on as is.

Not there yet?

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