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A Message from Michele
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Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Jefe] #2567425
05/13/15 05:14 PM
05/13/15 05:14 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
California US
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CaliGuy Offline
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Jefe

Glad to see things are going to a place we all want.

I too have had issues with the "flashbacks" and like you was maybe a bit taken back at how powerful they can come at you .. and without warning.

I kept some notes here and there and RobX had a post with an approach that always struck me. The basic concept was "If I have to check up on you and make sure you are being honest that will not work for me because its not what I need or want" ... I read that long before I even had a chance at getting W to the R table. But now its in the back of my mind, she has told me its over, unlike other times she has been open to answer any questions I may have, I have not checked her phone because she appears to be done with that, and more focused on the M, and trying to reconnect.

I think its all to easy to use the A as the all time trump card .... "Cali can you take out the trash" ... "No, because you had an A" ... sounds crazy but I think sometimes in our minds its easy to go there and live there. I do not want to beat up W over the A, she can not unthrow that rock, all we can do at this point is look forward, learn from the mistakes we made and hopefully with Gods grace create a much better, happier, healthier marriage. Its best to focus on that ... than the past and the hurt and pain ... not easy mind you ... but much more beneficial.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Jefe] #2567464
05/13/15 07:53 PM
05/13/15 07:53 PM
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Posts: 786
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twinmom Offline
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My mind just won't stop. Forgiveness is something I am struggling with. I love him but the harsh reality is I don't know how to let go of the hurt.



Originally Posted By: Jefe
Thank you Toots.

Twin, in the first 30 days I did poorly with the "flashbacks". I underestimated how they would come on and how they would trigger. Then my wife said something that at first angered me a little then I got to thinking about it and she was basically right. She said: "You either trust me or you don't. There is little I can do to change your mind either way." Now, here's the thing with that statement, what she meant was that if I've made up my mind that she's still doing those things then that's all I'll be able to see.

The way I deal with it now is this:

1) I have forgiven her. I don't get to rehash it or beat her up over it anymore. Every time I get jittery about some feeling that is in my head, that's my problem to deal with. I have complete transparency and intel so if there is a new problem (and there is none) then we can deal with the new problem. But it must start with me giving her the benefit of the doubt. No one can live under a microscope of negativity so me continually looking for a problem is problematic in of itself.

She's still the same flawed and broken individual I married (I am too!) and I have to accept her for how she is.

2) When these "flashbacks" or mental images of situations (perceived mind you, because I wasn't there and really don't know) come about I have the choice then and there to get on that train and entertain that thought or I can simply allow that train to pass the station and find a more pleasant and much safer train to board. This is very hard and I practice it daily but it gets easier as time goes by. I suspect there will always be triggers but I hope to get them down to once a year or less.

Seems funny you asking me how I deal with my thought patterns when just a short 6 months ago you were trying to help me keep my mind focused somewhere else.

How are things in your world, Twin?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Starsky309] #2567703
05/14/15 03:57 PM
05/14/15 03:57 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
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kippz Offline
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I wish what happened to Jefe and to you would happen to me. I guess in time.

Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: twinmom] #2569072
05/18/15 05:08 PM
05/18/15 05:08 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
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SunnyB Offline
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Jefe, so happy to hear you are doing well. A true success story.

I think we all struggle with forgiveness and trust. If I had a new R, I'd trust him until he gave me a reason not to. Truth is, a new guy isn't any more or less trustworthy than H, I just don't know much about his past. So I should give H the same level of trust, it's just a lot harder. (And that all assumes a R with H, which isn't on the horizon. It's just a thought I have.)



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Jefe] #2570926
05/23/15 04:31 AM
05/23/15 04:31 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
NY
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Hope414 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Jefe
She told me for no other reason than she is very proud to be married to the person that I am right now.


This is a wonderful statement she made about you. It really says everything about what kind of husband you are in her eyes.

It also says volumes about your ability to forgive, your ability to have a vision for your marriage, and your ability to keep trying until you found a formula that worked for both of you.

I continue to applaud you Jefe.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Hope414] #2589290
07/18/15 10:30 AM
07/18/15 10:30 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline
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Sorry for hijack Jefe

Hope you have no thread of your own. I designed a post on the abuse thread which I hope is of assistance in examining abuse whilst addressing some of the criticisms.

If you want to chat it over, my thread is in newcomers.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/18/15 10:30 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Vanilla] #2636485
12/30/15 10:27 PM
12/30/15 10:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 716
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Irish M Offline
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Posts: 716
Hi Jefe
Just finished reading your entire sitch

Would love an update. It looks like everything is better than before.
The new relationship is exactly that . A new one.

So happy for you both


M50
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 via text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters with me 13 and 15
Her divorce was Final July 26 2016
She hasn't seen her kids since Aug 2 2015
Re: Jefe - The Beginnings of Courting - #10 [Re: Irish M] #2645802
01/22/16 08:39 AM
01/22/16 08:39 AM
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 93
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mbebos Offline
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I read this one too, and wow. What a story. Inspirational story and how not to give up on yourself.


Me:34
W:33
R: 15 years
M: 7 years
W moved out: 11/21/15
BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once
LRT: 12/14/15
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Moderated by  Virginia 

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