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Vanilla #2585360 07/06/15 10:58 PM
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Conditional Emotional Responses (CER) and Abuse

Warning tec stuff. An attempt by V to understand what is happening physiologically, extracted from studies in physiology. V has a degree in physiology but it's 40 years old!

CERs are learned emotional reactions like anxiety or happiness that occur as a response to cues. They can be positive and pleasurable or negative and painful. Either can be destructive or constructive for example a glass of champagne can be celebratory and fun but can lead to excess and ill health. In the process of acquiring a CER our bodies make a neural connection. For example, we play music and learn a dance step result happiness. After one or two pairings, the sound of the music will send a wave of pleasure through amygdala circuits and the ideal interval is 2-10 seconds, very quickly.

Emotional responses are typically regulated by the autonomic nervous system and consist of two subdivisions, the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems. They have largely opposite functions. The sympathetic nervous system is activated in the so-called "fight or flight" reaction, which produces a raised heartbeat, sweating, and other symptoms of arousal.

Many psychologists believe CERs involving the sympathetic nervous system are responsible for panic attacks, stage fright, test anxiety, and similar unpleasant emotions. These responses tend to be unconsciously learned and therefore difficult to control, so they drive people to seek help. British psychologist Hans Eysenck once asserted, "...all neuroses are essentially conditioned emotional responses" (Cunningham, 1984).

All it takes to create a CER is an experience that causes strong emotion. In the case of CERs that send people to therapy, the strong emotion is a negative emotion such as pain, fear, or anxiety. A rant by a loved one, for example, will normally be preceded by certain stimuli such as cooking a meal thereafter the dread would be a CER.

CERs can involved any stimulus, including smell. The emotions involved can be pleasant, or highly complex. After breaking up a close relationship, many people respond to the smell of perfume or cologne that their ex-lover wore; it creates a wave of nostalgia, regret, or perhaps relief in some cases.
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Stress, Abuse and PTSD

Stress is the response of an organism to novel or threatening situations that are unpleasant in character. The hormones involved are adrenaline or epinephrine which when released into the bloodstream and nervous system provokes a general activation of the sympathetic division of the autonomic nervous system, the fight or flight reaction. With adrenaline the heart beats faster, a person may perspire more, fatigue and tiredness vanishes, muscular activity becomes easier, and reactions become quicker. Over the short term, this is an adaptive response that may help an organism survive. However, if the reaction continues too long, it can take a toll on the organism.

Both stress and stimulant drugs produce heavy releases of corticosterone, the stress hormones which increase heart rate and other signs of activity in the sympathetic nervous system. They cause animals to engage in repetitive, stereotyped activity. Eventually this high level of activation leads to "burn-out" and paranoid psychosis: delusions of persecution, agitation, and hallucinations. In the case of abuse this is PTSD.

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Abuse and CERs
We so often act without even thinking because we have been conditioned to respond by the abuse. Habituation, sensitisation, classical conditioning, and operant conditioning are all learning processes that associate a specific behaviour with a particular stimulus and cause us to act before we can think. These responses account for a substantial portion of our behaviour. They are often learned quickly, sometimes unknowingly, and can only be changed by carefully and systematically extinguishing them. Abuse reactions are easy to acquire and hard to loose. Abusers use this knowledge to condition targets to abuse and to sensitise them.

Habituation is learning not to respond to the repeated presentation of a stimulus. As an example, people generally get used to rants or criticism. Familiarity breeds indifference. Habituation may play a role in developing tolerance to abuse.

Sensitisation is an increase in responsiveness to a stimulus. In other words to satisfy abusers, targets increase their giving or receptiveness. To become conditioned, target must discern the contingency between the stimulus and the response. This usually requires a consistent presentation of the stimulus rapidly paired with the response. However, in some important examples, learning still takes place even when the response is significantly delayed.

Skinner's Box - Operant conditioning The general concept of modifying voluntary behaviour through the use of consequences is known as operant conditioning, and is sometimes also called instrumental conditioning or instrumental learning. What this means is that Abusers reward or punish the behaviour in the target that they want to see.

Learned Helplessness Prolonged exposure to uncontrollable events can cause people to become inappropriately passive while they believe they can no longer control the outcome of similar future events. This is called learned helplessness. The theory describes what happens when a person comes to believe they have no control over their situation and that whatever they do is futile. As a result, the person will stay passive in the face of an unpleasant, harmful, or damaging situation, even when they actually do have the ability to improve the circumstances.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/06/15 11:01 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2585386 07/07/15 12:15 AM
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Conditioned Human Behaviour and some things to overcome it

Classical and operant conditioning contribute is often described as involuntary. When you feel like you “can't help yourself” you may be largely correct, because the behaviour will persist until the association is systematically extinguished.

Emotional Responses
Several emotional responses are primarily conditioned responses. If you open the mail and find a letter in an envelope addressed from an old friend, you may spontaneously feel the warmth and affection you have learned to associate with that close friend. This response could not be innate and would not be felt unless you had grown fond of the person and learned to associate these warm feelings with a letter reminding you of them.
Similarly abuse triggers bad feelings so how do we stop the response? Only by going NC, completely black, by dumping triggers and ceasing trigger behaviour.

Phobias created by abuse
It is likely that classical conditioning plays an important role in learning the various irrational fears know as phobias. A person suffering from a phobia can be systematically desensitised to the object or situation causing their fears. Eventually their fears can be extinguished. The technique is to expose them in carefully controlled conditions to a less fear inducing, but related form of stimulus, while they practice relaxing in the presence of that stimulus. For example, a person with a fear of heights would begin at a small elevation, achieve relaxation at that level, then progress to higher elevation. At each step, the person achieves relaxation and gains confidence before progressing to the next level. This won't work with abuse as abuse isn't irrational, the target has every reason to be apprehensive of an abuser.

However in the longer term protecting oneself from new Rs may be phobic. So it's the consequences of being abused that may need treatment not the removal from the abuse.

Advertising and False advertising by the Abuser
Most people have a spontaneous and positive response to seeing the image of a beautiful woman. Advertisers then pair the name, image, or sounds of their product or brand with images of beautiful women. It is not long before the viewers are conditioned to associate a positive response with the product alone. In abuse after spell breaking or crisis we recognise advertising for what it is. The abuser isn't as advertised, it's a long con.

Aversive Conditioning to the Abuser
There has been some success in conditioning alcoholics to associate nausea with alcohol consumption, with the goal of helping them avoid alcohol consumption for some period of time. With abuse keeping tapes, destroyed items, nasty texts or emails, keep abuse diaries, journaling and IC will create negativity which is aversion. Write a list of the abuse or recording and this will be aversive conditioning.

Describe the abuser in negative terms, imagine them as the destructive force they are to break the spell. leave, put distance and insist on proper recovery of the abuser before re-establishing contact.

Using Motor Skills, Distraction and adrenalin to counter abuse
Riding a bicycle, learning to skate or ski, touch typing, balancing, juggling, golfing, throwing, hitting, or catching a ball, driving a car, dancing, or playing a musical instrument are all examples of learned motor skills. These behaviours are learned most easily and quickly when timely and specific feedback, such activities create new pathways skills and interactions. They are also distractions creating distance from the abuse.

Intense exercise burns adrenalin and cuts the pain. Starting working out intensively especially with weights will help greatly.

Do something different physically
In the United States drivers quickly learn to keep their automobiles in the right-hand traffic lanes. When learning to drive, staying to the right is reinforced by the approval, expectations, and perhaps praise apparent from the driving instructor, passengers, and sometimes other drivers. Also, leaving the right-hand lanes and traveling in the left-hand lanes is discouraged (i.e. punished) by corrections or reprimand from the instructor, and often fearful exclamations from passengers and other drivers. Driving on the right is safe and rewarded, driving on the left is dangerous and punished. The message is clear and drivers quickly learn to stay to the right without conscious thought. This behaviour is something that is practiced, and reinforced, almost daily.

In the United Kingdom drivers learn to stay to the left rather than to the right. The two customs are simple, arbitrary, and equivalent. Compared to the complexities of learning to drive, this convention seems simple. However, it is very difficult for a driver with years of experience driving on one side of the road to drive on the other side when visiting a foreign country. The driver must focus strict attention; reminding himself constantly to stay on the unfamiliar of the road.

In order to break abuse patterns do familiar things in unfamiliar ways. If the abuser liked fried eggs prepare boiled. If the abuser drove fast in a truck drive slowly in a bubble car. If the abuser liked you in black wear pink. Go drive in the UK or in Europe or the U.S. If that is different. Break the physical pattern.

Playing the Slots/intermittent rewards understand the role in abuse
Slot machines, the infamous “one-armed bandits” of the gambling casino, are well engineered instruments of operant conditioning. The human operator inserts coins and pulls the handle. After some random number of attempts, the gambler is rewarded by a jackpot of coins, ringing bells, and distinctive sounds. The gambler is quickly trained to feed coins into the machine and pull the handle in pursuit of further rewards. Withdrawing from all betting is essential. Withdraw from the abuser completely and totally, if absolutely necessary use an intermediary.

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Extinction of abuse reactions

Whereas conditioning is about creating a desired behaviour, it is often desirable to eradicate other behaviours. This is called 'extinction'.

Natural extinction
Behaviour that have been created may become extinct if they are not fully maintained. Stop responding to the abuser, cease behaviours the abuser preferred. Wear makeup if they didn't like it (stop going barefaced), put on your kick ass red high heels (stop wearing fluffy slippers). Move home, throw away joint items, buy new bed sheets.

Gradual decay of the abuse over time
At any time, a response has at best a probabilistic correlation with stimuli. A loud noise that has been associated with pain will very likely cause a person anguish, but is not 100% certain in all cases. If the stimulus is not applied and the response thus not generated over a long period of time, then probability of conditioned behaviour happening will decay in a given pattern. For example the person who has not heard the rant for some time would not experience as much discomfort as they would soon after conditioning. There is a danger of forgetting the hurt and starting the sweet cycle of abuse again.

An important factor here is that conditioning must be maintained, with sufficiently frequent rehearsals and re-stimulus-and-response, for the pattern to continue over time. This implies that the underlying persona is not changed at a fundamental level, and that conversion, for example, is not a one-shot activity and requires constant attention.

Predictability of stimulus of abuse and love bombing (intermittent reward)
If the condition has been created with regular and predictable reward or punishment, then the absence of the reward or punishment will quickly lead to extinction. If, however, the reward or punishment has been applied irregularly, then a second condition has been created where, upon receiving the stimulus, the person forecasts and imagines the reward or punishment being applied.

This situation takes longer for the pattern to become extinct, as the person is now maintaining it themselves, without external stimuli. Eventually, by accident or trial the person will find that the reward or punishment does not happen and thus the behavior gradually becomes extinct.

This is one reason why gambling is so addictive. The uncertainty as to whether the person will win or lose gives opportunity for prediction (and hope) of winning.

Extinction through accustoming
Another way of making a behaviour extinct is to help the person become accustomed to the stimulus and hence not find it frightening or stimulating in any way. Not recommended with abuse unless the target is capable of indifference and 'whatever'. In that case the R may well be over as the target has regained self esteem.

Desensitisation
When a person receives a stimulus and experiences the conditioned response a number of times, then the intensity of the emotion they feel may well become dulled with familiarity. This is used in therapy for example by starting with a weak triggering, and increasing the stimulus at the speed at which the person becomes desensitised.

This is also apparent in the use of abuse. A person who is stimulated by abuse will find that it soon has less effect than it previously had. This leads them to seek to capture the experience with further stronger abuse, and sometimes yet more intense abuse (and even illegal) tendencies.

Inoculation
Inoculation is a simple method, analogous to medical inoculation, where you present a weakened form of the experience such that the person finds it easy (and even laughably so) to resist a simulated 'attack'. When faced with the real situation, then they remember how easily they defended against the weak attack and so are better able to handle the real thing. Practiced responses against the abuser to hold them at bay.

Extinction through extreme experience
A strange thing that happens sometimes is that a behaviour may become extinct not through ignoring the triggers that cause it, but actually exacerbating it to the extreme. In other words abuse always triggers a crisis in extremis in the target. The abuser loses control and has to move on.

Reversing breakdown
Pavlov found, with his discovery of the three stages of breakdown, a fourth stage, where dogs faced with near-death experiences 'forgot' all of their previous conditioning (and it took Pavlov several months to reinstate them). This is the spell break point or crisis.

Abusers may keep testing to see how far they can go. All the way to level 6 abuse.

Flooding
This is used in therapy, where it is called flooding. A stimulus is constantly applied and more extreme responses encouraged until there is a sudden reversal and the stimulus no longer has any effect. Not good in the case of abuse.

Aversion therapy
Aversion therapy uses the methods of conditioning to break a conditioned experience. Thus a behaviour that is not desirable is punished when it appears. In therapy, techniques such as electric shocks have been used, and are understandably controversial (if you have seen Stanley Kubrick's 'Clockwork Orange' then you will appreciate the potential effects). It is not clear the extent to which aversion therapy works at all, only by revisiting abuse diaries and other tools can the target be reminded of the abuse. Only truly necessary to avoid the sweet cycle.
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Conclusion

If you want to eradicate a behaviour or response to abuse, you can either ignore it and hope it goes away, or you can deliberately use desensitisation or flooding methods - be extremely careful with flooding (it is not recommended except by psychological professionals), as done wrong it can simply worsen the situation. Don't bother with non targeted aversion methods - they are not reliable.

This has been extracted from several text books on CER, consider this as general information and the relevance to abuse is very interpretative.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/07/15 12:21 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2585561 07/07/15 02:18 PM
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V, I have found a lot of success through journaling and re-reading his last texts to me every time I start to feel sorry for him.

Letting reality bite!

Thanks for your post.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Zelda09 #2586914 07/10/15 08:18 PM
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My spouse says I am an abuser, how do I know?

Abuse is a very easy accusation to make, so before you answer this question about your own behaviour identify if there is any truth in the accusation. In the next post we can discuss what to do with an unfair accusation or even If there is some validity. How do we respond to the accusation. If unsure then record your interactions. Clearly physical abuse is obvious to us there are bruises and cuts.

In my own sitch I identified behaviour that was called 'screaming banshee' which is verbally abusive and most unpleasant. This type of abuse is referred to as reactive abuse, in other words it was my abusive response to my WH and his originating verbal abuse. Not nice and unworthy of me. I have had to both apologise and atone for this. This is the most likely abuse type so consider this, are you reacting to your S behaviour? If so it is reactive and this is the easiest to resolve by substituting different reactions.

Most of us as humans find methods of abusing sometimes as a reaction to our situations, that isn't good either and needs to be addressed but largely this is not central to our personalities and we care not to do this, we feel guilty and ashamed and are willing to put this right. This is situational abuse.

The final abuse type is born from defective personality and these abusers abuse deliberately as a way of life, often they have major personality disorders. This is called systematic abuse and is the type my WH used on me. Others such as Scherman and Greengrass have been strong enough to admit their WS are of this type too.

Many targets don't recognise themselves as targets because they have not been hit, but pain and bruises fade and psychological abuse does not without resolve without great help. Most systematic abusers don't recognise they abuse, because they don't want to undergo the long and painful process of examining their behaviour, taking responsibility for their actions and functioning as an equal partner. They usually blame the target. The most likely scenario for the LBS on this board is that they are not systematic abusers, if there is abuse it is likely that it is situational or reactive. Many WAS or PWAS who are not wayward are often tied to their WS and may like to consider if they themselves are targets.

So, if you suspect there is an element of abuse what do you do?
Firstly drop the excuses, no matter what the behaviour of the other; abuse is unacceptable. we have to forgive ourselves for this and take steps to stop completely. Say "I am an abuser and I am going to stop and manage that." It isn't easy as in my case screaming banshee was protecting me ineffectiveness and therefore I had to learn different strategies. Many felt V was justified and supported her and sympathised and empathised. This comes naturally to kind and loving people, but all abuse needs challenging and stopping, nothing justifies it. I hope and trust that I will never be that deeply abusive again no matter what the provocation. When you are knee deep in crocodiles it's hard to remember the aim is to drain the pool.

Actually you think you are the target
Having read this you may learn or suspect that not only are you a target but actually the abuse used by you is reactive. You are not the abuser but the target. Then be safe rather than sorry and look to the truth for your own sake. You may need help from an IC. This thread is here to help you decide that. You may be additionally vulnerable if you are pregnant or the home maker

Unhealthy relationships are not necessarily abusive, appropriate use of anger is not abusive. Rs are tested.

The target isn't necessarily a mouse hiding in a corner, they can be like me a strong confident career person, powerful, financially solvent, outgoing, hard working, or like everyone else! Most abuse occurs in private against family members, targets are often tied to their abusers and therefore are very unlikely to go wayward. They spend their time pleasing the systematic abuser and their lives are ruled by them, this is least likely for wayward.

So was my marriage abusive
Not every SOB is an abuser (Weiss 2002). There are bad Rs, that lack trust intimacy or common goals. That isn't abuse. There are Rs where the two parties haven't said a kind or civil word in years and that is not abuse either. There are many reasons other than abuse for Rs to drop to pieces.

From my own experience an abusive R is one in which one partner uses any combination of physical, financial, sexual and psychological (verbal and mental) abuse to gain control. So how was that for me, I wasn't hit but I was intimidated, I wasn't forced to a sexual act but I was told I was unattractive and unworthy of sex with my WH whilst he chased very downmarket POWs, my verbal abuse is well documented on my thread. It did not stop even after S, my H downloaded an app called personal assassin etc. Targets feel ashamed, heartbroken, and have self doubt, it is a human rights issue. Leaving an abusive R ends with a single act but there is a process to get there.

Every couple argues at some point and this can escalate to slamming doors, storming out in a huff, and in that R there are many other moods.

But in essence an abusive R feels like this, is today the day my WH will drink orange juice or is today the day he prefers apple juice. If I have no choice he will throw a tantrum. So I breakdown at the supermarket over AP P L E juice. Abuse is a campaign.

My spouse says I am abusive? Am I?
So if you have got this far then the likelihood is you are saying but my spouse says I am an abuser. Yes but saying this doesn't make it so, you can call a table by the name chocolate but it doesn't make a table into an Easter egg.

There may be abusive behaviour but that won't make you a systematic abuser. Stop the abusive behaviour now forever.

1. admit abuse to yourself
2. Agree it was inappropriate behaviour
3. Acknowledge it has an effect
4. Identify what you do
5. Become respectful, stop
6. Create a correct view of your spouse
7. Make amends
8. Accept the consequences that resulted
9. Commit not to repeat
10. Give up privileges
11. Accept its lifelong management that is required
12. Be accountable, your R may be irrepressibly damaged

An earlier post by Zelda gives much more detail

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/10/15 08:19 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2586945 07/10/15 10:11 PM
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My spouse says I am an abuser and that isn't correct

There are several replies to this.

Firstly your spouse is the true abuser and you are the target. In which case this thread is a starter, you may not have known this before. You may want to try IC, boundary setting and these responses aren't effective.

Secondly your spouse is confusing conflict and anger with abuse. There might be elements of abuse glimpses but it is part of your R. Inappropriate and needs to change.

Thirdly your spouse feels abused even though there is little abuse, perhaps because of their history and you have denied thiem their feelings leaving them empty and unsupported. It isn't helping. Although the spouses feelings are irrational.

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As a result of these accusations we feel angry and unloved. We may want revenge reacting with overkill, exploding with rage and blasting our spouse. We may also make digs or backstabbing (Indirect anger). We could even spill over at the wrong people for all of the ills in our lives (misdirection). It might make us unwell, headaches, heart disease, ulcers, depression.

It may spill into low grade hostility and aggression.

So what do we do if we have been deliberately lied to?

The Recognition Phase
1. We say we are angry, upset and bewildered, we are honest about it
2. We give ourselves time. We stop striking back and compose ourselves
3. We give ourselves distance, use the third person stance as the fly on the wall
4. We can journal, post or simply draw a response plan

The expression Phase
1. We address our hurts to those who hurt us
2. Tell the other we are afraid of stating our anger
3. Say how you feel
4. Say why you feel it

The other doesn't acknowledge it
1. Exercise, really hard, burn it off
2. Don't let go of your grudge unless you want to, but let go of the need for revenge
3. Write a letter perhaps burn it

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Your spouse isn't rational but truly believes there is abuse, even if misguided they are sincere in their feelings, You are not a target of theirs

Double check is there any foundation? If so this route isn't the right one. So you or your spouse are a compulsive, neglectful or depressed? Try a rounder approach than this.

Reasoning with irrationality won't work, putting the record straight won't help, the other does not want to hear us defend ourselves. So it all circulates and winds itself into conflict. We defend ourselves and even though we believe we are right, the other is irrational but not manipulative!

To reason with irrationality does more harm than good. If you defend yourself it will make things worse so don't do it.

So why are spouses irrational?
~ its threatening or harmful to them (not you)
~ they are in crisis (ill health, job loss, .....) and can't see the wood for the trees
~ disagree philosophically
~ you are in the wrong place at the wrong time
~ it's bad news and they are emotional
~ feel bad about themselves, their behaviour or have guilt or shame
~ just because it's contrary
~ they have unmet needs or are afraid
~ they feel powerless
~ they want to control you
~ take drugs or substances
~ are having an affair

You may not know why but a genuine misunderstanding needs resolving and the irrational seems rational to your spouse. They like all individuals believe they are correct and behaving rationally.

It makes sense to them. Be kind patient and effective, you have the advantage of rationality of being an observer. They are irrational, hurting and angry. Don't react or take it personally, it's irrational. Irrational is nonsense.

You may never need to know why this is as it is just that it is. Actually the reason probably doesn't matter. What matters is that you know it's not you. Detach, you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. But you can communicate to it.

Your spouse should never treat you badly nor abuse you, no matter how irrational.

So what to do, how to deal with irrationality as it happens?

1. Take time out and breathe. Cool it, detach, withdraw mentally for a while. Let the others anger burn out whilst you stay calm. Let them burn out any rant. Respond with let me see if I understand but I need a moment. Can you slow down I am seeking to hear. I hear you say.........

2. Feel empathy but not pity or sympathy. This is irrational and you don't agree but can acknowledge. Nod or lean forward and listen. (First level response)

3. Move to second position in your mind (be in the others shoes).be compassionate and kind, above all be kind. See if you can identify the cause.(Second level response)

4. Reflect back feelings (you may have already reflected back their words in 1 above) use a calm even tone. So make this about them not you at this stage. (Third level response)

I think you are upset that I did xyz
Not
You are saying I treated you badly

You resent the fact I played golf all weekend
Not
I hear you that you don't like me playing golf

5. Validate feelings (Fourth level response) having already recognise them and reflected them back.

See Wonkas validation cheat sheet for examples on how to do this. For examples of what not to say see the invalidation post in this thread.

6. Express compassion about the pain

You feel hurt because you feel mistreated or abused.

Donot accept you abused them. "You seem to believe I agree I abused you, I feel upset that you feel as you do and I want you to acknowledge that I m upset. In addition I want to tell you that I respect you have the feelings even if I do not accept I Abused you"

7. Ask for future discussion and then state how you feel

"I feel upset you believe I deliberately caused your hurt, and I do not hold myself accountable. Although I do believe you feel the way I do. I find this very difficult. I would like us to talk about that next, tomorrow, next week....."

I am having great difficulty with my confusion and resentment that you think I am trying to control/abuse you when I know that is not my intention.

8. Agree to disagree.

"We are obviously of different opinions, can we agree to disagree that I acknowledge you feel abused whilst I do not accept I abused you."

9. Say you will respond if mistreated.

"Expect me to refute your accusation every time I hear it, I accept you believe I am trying to control/abuse you and I will listen to what you have to say but I know I had no such intention."

This is taken from NMMNG and too nice for your own good, together with no more conflict.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/10/15 10:13 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2587223 07/12/15 08:47 AM
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From Mustardseed's thread

warning on how abusers bait and switch

V--YOU WERE SO RIGHT! I wish I listened more clearly to your warnings. I had no idea what I was dealing with.

Since my last post things I think I finally hit that rock bottom. I have had a terrifying past few days, but I feel right now that I have finally stopped the free-fall. I have crashed, and I am broken, but not destroyed. I haven't been able to post because I didn't have my computer charger with me, and because I am so shaken by the recent events that I needed some time to digest.

I'm ready to start picking up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem, and mental health that I feel was destroyed by living with--what I am now convinced is a socio-path for all of these years.

The call he made to the cops wasn't just for intimidation apparently. It was also for documentation for what he was about to do next. I've been wanting to leave the house and have been told I can't. And now it got to the point that I was forced by some law that is intended to protect real victims in life-threatening situations all to gain leverage in the divorce process. And it worked. Even though the judge was digusted by H and our lawyers for manipulating OOP laws to create a psuedo separation agreement.

The most disgusting part of this is that the laws that make getting OOP so easy, are intended to help people in really desperate situations. The law is intended to help real victims in DIRE SITUATIONS, however this man I used to believe was good and decent used it to VICTIMIZE. And to gain leverage in a divorce. To isolate me from my kids. And that is disgusting to me. It diminishes the severity of the real issue that brought these laws into play. I know women misuse these orders against men quite often and no one pays any attention because the groups that protect this law claim that it is better to err on the side of caution to protect victims of abuse, not recognizing that the flip side of this is that it can also be used to abuse. Because it is usually men that are on that side of it no one takes it seriously. Maybe this will be a cause I will take on once the dust settles.

So I have a new warning for people going through this. If you feel intimidated by your spouse you are going to get advice to stand up for yourself and reclaim your life, don't let him intimidate you. If you are dealing with a sociopath this will back fire. You can't win when you are dealing with someone so twisted and calculated. I should have heeded V's advice earlier--but I still believed I was married to someone with a conscience. The worst thing about this kind of abuse is that there are no physical bruises. You don't realize what is happening. A conversation that seems harmless, even hopeful gets twisted and redirected down a path that catches you off guard, and by the time you realize what has happened it is too late.

The good thing about all of this is:
1) I am now out of the house. No longer living in that torturous situation.
2) The agreement we have is ok for now and is temporary. I am happy with the terms for the most part, I just hate the fact that all of the restrictions are on me, since it is not really a separation agreement but an OOP. H agreed to the same terms but his cost for violating them is not as high as mine.
3) I can finally start to see what the future might look like. And I think it will be ok.

MY GOALS:
1) GET THE KIDS IN THERAPY ASAP--Now I am not there to serve as a buffer between him and the kids, and if my suspicions are correct, they need to get in with someone who will recognize the signs and help them navigate living with this man, something I failed to do.
2) GET A Job--I will be moving into my own place soon. I have some money to tie me over, and now I know exactly how much I will need to get myself self supporting.
3) Get this marriage and divorce over with as fast as I can so I can finally move on. I want zero contact with this man.

This is a scary time and the worst experience I have ever gone through, but I am relieved to finally be OUT. I feel like I am starting to see things with a little clarity. I think things will get better, but I am afraid of having to spend the rest of my life dealing with this man because of our children.

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Last edited by Vanilla; 07/12/15 08:47 AM.

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Emotional Flooding in Reactive Abuse- What is it?

I found this on the info us website and thought it could be useful here.

Emotional flooding is the term given to the feelings of one partner who are so overwhelmed by their partner’s perceived negativity and their own reaction to it that they become swamped by dreadful and intense feelings. re

Any person who is engaged in and experiencing emotional flooding cannot hear without distortion or respond with clarity in a dispassionate way.They find it hard to organise their thinking and they instead fall back on primitive reactions. They just want things to stop, or want to run or, sometimes, to strike back. They react and do not relate. Emotional Flooding is a self-perpetuating hijacking of our brain preventing us to see common sense. Some people have high thresholds for emotional flooding, easily enduring anger and contempt, while others may be triggered the moment their partner makes a mild criticism.

What happens to the body during Emotional Flooding?

The technical description of emotional flooding is in terms of heart rate rise from calm levels. At rest, womens heart rates are about 82 beats per minute and mens about 72 (the specific heart rate varies mainly according to a person’s body size). Emotional Flooding begins at about 10 beats per minute above a person’s resting rate; if the heart rate reaches 100 beats per minute (as it easily can do during moments of rage or tears), then the body is pumping adrenaline and other hormones that keep the distress high for some time. The moment of emotional flooding is apparent from the heart rate as it can jump 10, 20, or even as many as 30 beats per minute almost instantaneously.

Muscles tense and it can seem hard to breathe. There is a swell of toxic feelings, an unpleasant wash of fear and anger that seems inescapable. At this point—full hijacking—a person’s emotions are so intense, their perspective so narrow, and their thinking so confused that there is no hope of being rational, taking the other’s viewpoint or settling things in a reasonable way.The fight or flight choice is all that one can see.Emotional flooding is an apt description

High alert state

The problem begins when one spouse feels emotionally flooded almost continually feeling overwhelmed by their emotions, always on guard for an emotional assault or injustice, becoming hyper-vigilant for any real or imaginary sign of attack, insult, or grievance, and overreacts to small things. If a husband is in such a state even his wife saying innocently something like “Darling, we’ve got to talk,” can elicit the reactive thought, “She’s picking a fight again,” and so trigger emotional flooding. It becomes harder and harder to recover from the physiological arousal, which in turn makes it easier for innocuous exchanges to be seen in a sinister light, triggering emotional flooding all over again.

The emotionally flooded person thinks the worst virtually all the time, reading everything in a negative light. Small issues become major battles. Feelings are hurt continually. Over time, the partner who is being flooded starts to see any and all problems in the marriage as severe and impossible to fix or reconcile.They cannot see that the emotional flooding itself sabotages any attempt to work things out. It seems useless to talk things over, and the partners try to soothe their troubled feelings alone by leading parallel lives, and living in isolation from each other, and feel alone within an R.

In this downward spiral the tragic consequences of deficits in emotional competences are self-evident with a reverberating cycle of criticism and contempt, defensiveness and the ability to stonewall, distressing thoughts and emotional flooding they see nothing positive about the other and ultimately about themselves. The cycle itself reflects a disintegration of emotional self-awareness and self-control, of empathy and the abilities to soothe each other and oneself.

Physiologically Men and Womens bodies react with Emotional Flooding differently

That conclusion, reached in a study by Robert Levenson at the University of California at Berkeley, is based on the testimony of 151 couples, all in long-lasting marriages. Levenson found that husbands uniformly found it unpleasant, even aversive to become upset during a marital disagreement, while their wives did not mind it any where near as much. Men are prone to physiological emotional flooding at a lower intensity of negativity and secrete more adrenaline than do women into their bloodstream when emotional flooding occurs.In men that adrenaline flow is triggered by lower levels of negativity perceived as coming from their partner whereas the effect is slower in women. It seems that women cope with negativity better than men. Furthermore it takes men longer to recover physiologically from emotional flooding. (I read the study and it doesn't discuss habituation, so this may only apply in more traditional cultures)

This suggests the possibility Clint Eastwood type of male imperturbability (stonewalling) may represent a defence against feeling emotionally overwhelmed and their heart rates drop by about ten beats per minute, bringing a subjective sense of relief. But—and here’s a paradox—once the men started to stone wall, it was the women whose heart rate shot up to levels signalling high distress. This limbic tango, with each sex seeking comfort in opposing gambits leads to a very different stance toward emotional confrontations: men want to avoid them as fervently as their wives feel compelled to seek them. As one spouse observes withdrawal by the other from engagement, the volume and intensity Increases starting. Both are then open to emotional flooding.

Defensiveness or stonewalls is responded to with frustration and anger and so adds contempt, the stonewaller falls into the innocent-victim or righteous-indignation thoughts that more and more easily trigger emotional flooding. Leading to a cycle of stonewalling and increased response.

So how to avoid emotional flooding?

The teaching of emotional intelligence is so important. For the stonewalled the advice is not to sidestep conflict, but to realise that The expression of a grievance may be doing it as an act of love, trying to keep the relationship healthy and on course (although there may well be other motives by an abuser). When grievances simmer, they build and build in intensity until there’s an explosion. When they are aired and worked out, it takes the pressure off. Stonewallers need to realise that anger or discontent is not synonymous with a personal attack in a healthy R. Emotional flooding is something to be avoided and defused so that partners can communicate and not just lash out at each other.

In abusive patterns abusers may deliberately trigger emotional flooding to gain control or achieve an effective one up.

Amended and cut down as a very long post.

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Vanilla #2587897 07/14/15 05:34 PM
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[b]Definitions used in abuse sitches/b]

From the out of the Fog website plus extras.

Alienation - The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual's relationships with others.

"Always" and "Never" Statements - "Always" and "Never" Statements are declarations containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.

Anger - People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.

Baiting - A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual.

Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

Bullying - Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

Catastrophizing - The habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.

Chaos Manufacture - Unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.

Circular Conversations - Arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no resolution.

Cognitive Dissonance - A psychological term for the discomfort that most people feel when they encounter information which contradicts their existing set of beliefs or values. People who suffer from personality disorders often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.

"Control-Me" Syndrome - This describes a tendency which some people have to foster relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature.

Denial - Believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Dependency - An inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.

Dissociation- A psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.

Domestic Theft - Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.

Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.

Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship.

Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.

False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.

Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.

Fear of Abandonment - An irrational belief that one is imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded or replaced.

Flooding- creating hormonal overwhelm in ones self or another for the purposes of cresting control or a reaction

Frivolous Litigation - The use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt, harass or gain an economic advantage over an individual or organization.

Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term “Gaslighting” is based on the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.

Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.

High and Low-Functioning - A High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is able to conceal their dysfunctional behavior in certain public settings and maintain a positive public or professional profile while exposing their negative traits to family members behind closed doors. A Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is unable to conceal their dysfunctional behavior from public view or maintain a positive public or professional profile.

Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Hysteria - An inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.

Identity Disturbance - A psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view

Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.

Infantilization - Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.

Lack of Object Constancy - An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision.

Learned Helplessness- Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe that they have no control over a situation, even when they do.

Magical Thinking - Looking for supernatural connections between external events and one’s own thoughts, words and actions.

Moments of Clarity - Spontaneous periods when a person with a Personality Disorder becomes more objective and tries to make amends.

Mood Swings - Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily explained by changes in external circumstances.

Neglect - A passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.

Normalizing - Normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive or inappropriate behaviors. In essence, normalizing is the manipulation of another human being to get them to agree to, or accept something that is in conflict with the law, social norms or their own basic code of behavior.

No-Win Scenarios - When you are manipulated into choosing between two bad options

Panic Attacks - Short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating and chills.

Parentification - A form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the family’s other children.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior - Expressing negative feelings in an unassertive, passive way.

Pathological Lying - Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.

Projection - The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

Proxy Recruitment - A way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing “doing the dirty work”

Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries.

Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.

Scapegoating - Singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.

Selective Competence - Demonstrating different levels of intelligence, memory, resourcefulness, strength or competence depending on the situation or environment.

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.

Self-Harm - Any form of deliberate, premeditated injury, such as cutting, poisoning or overdosing, inflicted on oneself.

Self-Loathing - An extreme hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.

Self-Victimization - Casting oneself in the role of a victim.

Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.

Situational Ethics - A philosophy which promotes the idea that, when dealing with a crisis, the end justifies the means and that a rigid interpretation of rules and laws can be set aside if a greater good or lesser evil is served by doing so.

Splitting - The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely "good" or completely "bad".

Thought Policing - Any process of trying to question, control, or unduly influence another person's thoughts or feelings.

Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.

Triangulation - Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.

Triggering -Small, insignificant or minor actions, statements or events that produce a dramatic or inappropriate response.

Tunnel Vision - The habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.

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More definitions

Abusive Cycle - This is the name for the ongoing rotation between destructive and constructive behavior which is typical of many dysfunctional relationships and families.


Avoidance - The practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.

Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing - This kind of speech is a passive-aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of reasonableness or friendliness.

Black and white thinking- inability to distinguish a continuum of responses always seeing the other as all good or all bad

Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the

Chronic Broken Promises - Repeatedly making and then breaking commitments and promises is a common trait among people who suffer from personality disorders.

Confirmation Bias - The tendency to pay more attention to things which reinforce your beliefs than to things which contradict them.

Cruelty to Animals - Acts of Cruelty to Animals have been statistically discovered to occur more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.

Emotional Abuse - Any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG).

Escape To Fantasy - Taking an imaginary excursion to a happier, more hopeful place.

False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.

Feelings of Emptiness - An acute, chronic sense that daily life has little worth or significance, leading to an impulsive appetite for strong physical sensations and dramatic relationship experiences

Grooming - Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behaviour.

Hoarding - Accumulating items to an extent that it becomes detrimental to quality of lifestyle, comfort, security or hygiene.

Holiday Triggers - Mood Swings in Personality-Disordered individuals are often triggered or amplified by emotional events such as family holidays, significant anniversaries and events which trigger emotional memories.

Hyper Vigilance - Maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others

Imposed Isolation - When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support network, including friends and family.

Lack of Conscience - Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders are often preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns of others. This is sometimes interpreted by others as a lack of moral conscience.

Low Self-Esteem - A common name for a negatively-distorted self-view which is inconsistent with reality.

Manipulation - The practice of steering an individual into a desired behavior for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal goal.

Masking - Covering up one's own natural outward appearance, mannerisms and speech in dramatic and inconsistent ways depending on the situation.

Mirroring - Imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviors or traits.

Munchausen's and Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome - A disorder in which an individual repeatedly fakes or exaggerates medical symptoms in order to manipulate the attentions of medical professionals or caregivers.

Name-Calling - Use of profane, derogatory or dehumanizing terminology to describe another individual or group.

Narcissism - A set of behaviors characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration for others.

"Not My Fault" Syndrome - The practice of avoiding personal responsibility for one's own words and actions.

Objectification - The practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.

Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior - An inflexible adherence to arbitrary rules and systems, or an illogical adherence to cleanliness and orderly structure.

Parental Alienation Syndrome - When a separated parent convinces their child that the other parent is bad, evil or worthless.

Perfectionism - The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization, order, or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in other areas of living.

Physical Abuse - Any form of voluntary behavior by one individual which inflicts pain, disease or discomfort on another, or deprives them of necessary health, nutrition and comfort.

Riding the Emotional Elevator - Taking a fast track to different levels of emotional maturity.

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome

Self-Aggrandizement - A pattern of pompous behavior, boasting, narcissism or competitiveness designed to create an appearance of superiority.

Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.

Sexual Objectification - Viewing another individual in terms of their sexual usefulness or attractiveness rather than pursuing or engaging in a quality interpersonal relationship with them..

Silent Treatment - A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.

Sleep Deprivation - The practice of routinely interrupting, impeding or restricting another person's sleep cycle.

Stalking - Any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.

Stunted Emotional Growth - A difficulty, reluctance or inability to learn from mistakes, work on self-improvement or develop more effective coping strategies.

Targeted Humor, Mocking and Sarcasm - Any sustained pattern of joking, sarcasm or mockery which is designed to reduce another individual’s reputation in their own eyes or in the eyes of others.

Testing - Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship

Verbal Abuse - Any kind of repeated pattern of inappropriate, derogatory or threatening speech directed at one individual by another.


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Grooming and seduction

Grooming is the predatory act of manoeuvring another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behaviour or an affair. At its best it is called seduction.

Grooming is a insidious predatory tactic, used by Narcissists, Antisocial predators, con-artists and sexual aggressors, who target and manipulate.

Adult grooming applies to any situation where an adult is primed to allow exploitation, seduction or abuse. A predator will identify and engage a target and work to gain trust, break down defences, and manipulate until they get whatever it is they are after. Overt attention, verbal seduction (flattery / ego stroking), recruitment, physical isolation, charm, gift-giving, normalising, gas lighting, secrecy, and threats are all hallmarks of grooming, and even negative tease tactics.

Abusers, seducers or predators who groom their targets often claim to have a special connection with the abused or seduced. The so called connection might be emotional, intellectual, sexual, spiritual, or all of the above. This is often backed up by the predator echoing back part of the target's own background or story, altered to fit the groomer’s back-story, in order to confirm the connection. In order to abuse, seduce or exploit another person without fear of discovery, a sexual predator or con artist will frequently condition their intended target to keep secrets for them, such is the nature of an illicit affair, especially in the workplace. When building this bond of trust, an abuser may share seemingly personal or private information, and then swear To secrecy. The target is made to believe that they are being trusted with something of value, before being asked to share something of value with his/her abuser or seducer. Abusers and seducers use shared secrets to bind their targets to them. By degrees, the target is gradually lured in to revealing private information, giving up money, property or sexual favours, or permitting or engaging in inappropriate, unsafe, or illegal behaviours. •

The target is often drawn in to being a "co-conspirator” (also known as forced teaming). Eventually, the bond of secrecy is nearly always reinforced with threats, shaming and guilt to keep the target silent about his or her shared crimes or misdeeds. Anyone can be a target, the lonely and the emotionally compromised together with those whose defences are down. Anyone with soft boundaries.

There is no prototypical victim, anyone can be vulnerable to grooming. Predators and seducers are practiced, and extremely good at what they do. Those who aren't tend to get caught. Those who get caught, tend to learn from their mistakes, and refine their techniques. You don’t have to be especially gullible to fall for grooming, but learning the signs successfully identifies a potential abuser or seducer, and avoid exploitation:

-Predators or seducers can normally work in the shadows, and have something to hide.
-Predators or seducers claim to feel a "special connection" with their targets, even if they've only just met.
-Predators or seducers recruit co-conspirators (forced teaming) to fight their battles and do their bidding.
-Predators or seducers draw their victims in by sharing private information then swearing them to secrecy.
-Predators or seducers practice divide and conquer techniques in order to manipulate other.

An individual who lures lonely or vulnerable people into a romantic relationship in order to position themselves for monetary gain or resources especially in the work place. Anyone who manufactures a (false) bond of trust in order to extract promises or favours from another.

How the target feels

Grooming can feel exhilarating – at first. The predator or seducer employs attentiveness, sensitivity, (false) empathy and plenty of positive reinforcement to seduce. For their part, targets can be so enthralled with, or overwhelmed by the attention they are receiving; they will often overlook or ignore red flags that might alert them that the person who is showering them with that attention is somehow “off”.

Little by little, the abuser or seducer breaks through natural defences, gaining trust, and manipulates or coerces the target into willingly having sex, handing over money or assets, engaging in inappropriate, illegal or morally ambiguous actives, or acting as a proxy, fighting the abuser’s battles, and carrying out their will. The target often feels confusion, shame, guilt, remorse and disgust at his or her own participation but somehow excited and bonded. Equally powerful, is the panic that comes with the threat of being exposed for engaging these activities, they may hide the activity or brazenly flounce it. There may also an overwhelming fear of losing the emotional bond that has been established with an abuser ors ducker. The target eventually becomes trapped, depressed or despondent because the R is vacuous.

What NOT to Do:

-Don't trust too soon, or share too much with someone you’ve only just met.
-Don't fall for false flattery, or verbal seduction.
-Don’t compromise your boundaries.
-Don't allow yourself to be isolated from others against your own better judgment.
-Don't blame yourself for how the other person is behaving.
-Don't stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy.
-Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.

What TO Do:

Use caution around someone you may have only just met, who pays you too many compliments, gives you too much attention, demands too much of your time, shares too much information, or tries to swear you to secrecy. Question motives. Learn to pay attention to your gut, and trust those feelings to guide you. Remind yourself you are not to blame for what a predator is attempting to do to you. Learn to say no, and mean it. If your loved one is a target then realise Stockholm syndrome may apply, they may be enthralled and in denial. This abuser or seducer will perfect techniques and move on to richer pastures.

Adapted from an out of the fog website post.

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Last edited by Vanilla; 07/16/15 08:04 PM.

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