Today was a rough one. Talked with ww on the way home about the boys and getting counseling. Also updated her on some behavior issues (anger, lying) I was seeing so we can be consistent. Then she dropped another bomb on me. Said that in a week she'd be taking in a dog and unsure how long she would be watching it, but wanted me to know that the boys would be around it and allergies, etc. asked who she was watching it for. The om!
Which then led me to ask if she was planning to introduce om to our sons since he'll prob want to come by to "see his dog". She said she had been thinking about it and since he's a part of her life and she's been in a "relationship for a while" she wants them to know him.
I did not flip out or yell, I remained calm. I told her were not even divorced yet, the kids haven't had counseling or been able to process anything. She told me she wanted a divorce 2 months ago, I moved out 1 month ago, we told the kids about the divorce 2 weeks ago and now she wants to introduce them to her boyfriend?! Wtf!
I told her I understand she's Ina good place and been there awhile, but not everyone's there yet. She's so far ahead of everyone else. Take me out of the picture, we don't even know where the boys are and how they're handling things yet. We haven't even sold the house.
She is just wanting to move so fast. She said it's uncomfortable to talk about with me, I agreed and said the only reason why I was is because it involves the boys.
I have no control whether or when she introduces him, but told her my take and let her know when she wanted to talk about it again, I would listen, be calm and objective. She said she's not trying to hurt me, but wants to be open and knows she will want him to meet the boys, sooner rather than later.
This is all happening so fast for me.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/02/1512:51 AM. Reason: Link
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Sorry Ripken, that's a very rough situation to be in. I wish they understand how their actions effected others around them. I think its amazing you remained calm while going though that conversation, I don't think I would have been able to. A sign you are stronger than you realize. Deep breaths, you can and will get through this like everything else that has been thrown at you.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
The unfortunate thing is I know I'll be interact with ww tomorrow to pick up the boys and gather some more of my items from the house. Once OM brings his dog to stay, I will no longer want to step foot in the house, as it really feels like there's no part of it that's mine. I'm really not sure how to interact around her anymore. She's not the person I knew for 14 years and as recently as 6 months ago was excited about buying Xmas gifts for.
I've got a lot of GAL activities this weekend - games and movies with the boys tomorrow and working out, friend's bab-q and bday celebration SAT and taking the boys to watch the world cup in KC's Power & Light district with 18K other people. Should be a blast and looking forward to it.
However, getting nervous about the interaction tomorrow. It's such a catch 22 - I miss her and want interaction, but I miss the person she WAS, not IS. So, when I do interact it just hurts. I was finally coming to terms with using the time to work on me and time being a gift, but with how fast she's pushing to move things, I feel like I don't even have control on that gift.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
However, getting nervous about the interaction tomorrow. It's such a catch 22 - I miss her and want interaction, but I miss the person she WAS, not IS. So, when I do interact it just hurts. I was finally coming to terms with using the time to work on me and time being a gift, but with how fast she's pushing to move things, I feel like I don't even have control on that gift.
You do have control over it still, it may just not appear so right now. Just show her the best Ripken possible. If she cant see your value as a person someone will. Right now keep giving her space and time and work on yourself, like you already know. Nothing you can control about her situation anyway, no point in stressing out about how fast she moves.
One point to make, A's thrive on the secrecy and are built on mistrust, they just don't survive the interactions of a real relationship. If shes wanting things to move faster with him who's to say it wont put pressure on the A. We all know the stats on A's and how often they work anyway.
No telling how things will end up, maybe her pushing things faster now ends up being the quickest route back to reconciliation, you never know. The future is full of possibility, just let it happen and control the parts of today that you can. Things are going to work out one way or another.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks for the chime in, Fogg. I agree - I need to continue to be the best Ripken I can be and let the future happen as it will. Logic hasn't caught up with my heart - still.
"A's thrive on the secrecy and are built on mistrust, they just don't survive the interactions of a real relationship. If shes wanting things to move faster with him who's to say it wont put pressure on the A."
This I believe, but not necessarily in her case. Mindreading I know, but with her saying "he's a part of my life" and "I've been in a relationship for awhile" - I feel she is going to stick with OM until he drops her, if nothing else to justify WHY she's breaking up our family, marriage, etc. It has to be for something and her "relationship" is enough of a reason in her eyes.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Ripken, I feel your pain... BD here on May 2, and exactly two months later, I'm supposed to accept that I'm just her ex and the OW is her real partner now. Deal with the loss, move on, it's no big deal.
I also want some kind of control over this process. But as I'm looking back on the past eight weeks, I see that I've fared better - and she has been more conflicted and/or amicable - the more I have just allowed things to unfold.
It's so hard, I get it. But we have to trust the process.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
It's so hard, I get it. But we have to trust the process.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Hi Rip,
My heart truly goes out to you! DifRent summed it up perfectly.
I'll say a prayer for you right after this post.
Hang in there buddy.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I've read through this thread so many times. I've wanted to reply, but I truly have no words to help with the emotions I can only imagine you are dealing with.
Just know you aren't alone. We're all rooting for you, in whatever way your situation goes.
Thank you so much everyone. It does help to know you all are there.
My ww called me while I was gal to let me know she was getting the dog tonite and om would be dropping it off and being introduced to the boys as a friend. I reiterated why I was frustrated and felt it could hurt the boys since its been two weeks since we told them about divorce. Also I just registered them for therapy and asked that we wait until the therapist says it's a good idea and they can process it.
She said she understood where I was coming from but she had a different perspective. We talked for 30 minutes and I told her she could pick up the dog or meet him and take it. He doesn't have to be introduced. She says she puts the boys first but if there's a chance they could be impacted like now, she's still being selfish instead of waiting.
Now I'm concerned about the boys but also concerned about us. Not as husband and wife but as how can I interact with her while she disrespects me and doesn't value my opinion. There's no compromise, just her way. I thought we made progress Sunday.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Updated with ww when I went to pick up the boys. Told her why I was upset she still had om meet them. 2 reasons: felt it could hurt the boys and why take that chance before counseling and also felt she never took into account what I said when it comes to the two of them. We are going to make decisions on the two of them together and they'll be times where we disagree, but if there's no compromise or give and take, how can we make decisions together,
Her first reaction was anger and felt I was calling her a bad mom and went off saying she always has sacrificed and puts them first. I had to talk over her, not yelling, to telling her was being emotional, not listening to me and it wasn't productive. I told her she is the best mom I know and I wouldn't choose another mom for my two children. My issue is on how we communicate and I want that to improve. She agreed.
She then said she felt my problem with it was because of my personal feelings. I was honest, looked her in the eyes and told her that wasn't the case. When I look at her now I see someone I am not in love with and don't want to be with. I told her I'm all but moved on from her and the anger or hurt comes from the lying she did to my face and the disrespect. Pain I would feel toward any relationship I would have with someone, not because I want my wife back.
She stared in my eyes for a while, questioning it and then she realized I was telling the truth and I think it caught her a little by surprise.
I feel good about the interaction and told her my goal is for us to improve on communicating so we can me a little better each day as we work through each other's hurt. Maybe we can see what the other says and does at face value without automatically adding our own hurt to it.
When leaving we discussed the possibility of the two of us spending time together with both boys August 16 for our oldest birthday, since he'd really want that. We are both open to it. Hopefully time helps.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
