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Zelda09 #2580541 06/21/15 08:03 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Vanilla Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Zelda09
V, you are a blessing.

I notice after H had a violent episode with me and we broke up, I would restart the cycle by reaching out to him - especially when his well adjusted 'wise' self went about town being perfectly well and at peace over our end. It made me doubt everything about me and though you would think you can't unknow what you know, somehow I found a way. Every time. To minimize and take the blame it some well spoken psychobabble.

Not this time.

The spell is broken, from this place you will always be the spellbreaker. The crisis point is past and you are no longer charmed, you see the lovebomb charm for that which it is.
A dream, you are awake, alive, out of your trace.

A wonderful place to be and to heal.


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW

Vanilla #2580879 06/22/15 08:33 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
I hesitate to write on this thread or back on mine...but word got to me that STBX has said of his behavior and what happened between us...'the accident (3 yrs ago), it will be a while before I am right again.'

And my little heart wants to bleed and hope, and I have had to tell myself twenty times today that the accident occurred three years after plenty of other abuses. It didn't cause anything, and yet I am hoping. I keep trying to see hope that he 'recognizes' he isn't right (yet, will not contact me to apologize or finish our divorce), hope! that he seems to have some introspection after all! (or this isn't a wonderfully pretty thing to say when he realizes I've not been keeping secrets like I used to). Maybe this means he can see he has things he needs to address! And I can have my 'soulmate' back again!

Welcome to crazy land.

I am having an absolute meltdown with all these feelings and knowing how dangerous for my sanity it would be to reach out to his poor victimized soul again, what another time or two on the rollercoaster would be. I post here, because this is part of the cycle as much as abuser, but as 'target.' The hope is intoxicating.

Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.

Zelda09 #2580914 06/22/15 09:54 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
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V Personal red flags from her R with H.

Red Flags

1.Moved very fast – declares undying love very early. H moved in with me within 5 months. Take my time.

2.Claimed to believe in love at first sight, and uses phrases like ‘it’s you and me against the world’ and " i am very glad i found you". Disbelieve early protestations of love and look for grounded love.

3. Used his charm to impress and ingratiate himself with my family and friends. They all said what a fantastic boyfriend. Family and friends can get it wrong.

4. Is homophobic and racist – reacts with anger or disgust. I am not and I have friends of all hue and beliefs. Views like this don't meet my values.

5. Did not respect my privacy or need for personal space – he routinely ready my emails, knows my password, reads my text messages. Next time privacy if breached is not a casual thing.

6. Tracks my movements, works with me. Even now turns up at odd times, deleted information on iPads and iPhones. Big problem if he knows where I am but not visa versa.

7. Has strange, irrational behaviour and beliefs. Numerous 'rules' for what he would eat or drink that kept changing. This is just play wacky.

8. Is disinterested in animals gave away his pets, always criticising people, those he worked with, golf colleagues, his family and my family. Next time tolerance and kindness.

9. Did not pass ‘the waitress and barmaid test’! Was rude and insisted we leave if the pub didn't have his favourite beer. Next time look for someone who treats every one with respect.

10. My abuser used to make a point of giving to charity at black tie events. Privately and sometimes publicly he still showed no compassion for my welfare and feelings. Public and personal persona should match.

11. Exaggerates his personal achievements or talents. Claimed qualifications he didn't have. Can check the background properly.

12. Has ‘hair trigger’ changes of mood – the classic Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde. You’ll not know what set him off, and be left dazed and confused by how quickly the rage disappears and replaced by softness and tenderness. I never knew which H was present in my life the 'nice' or 'nasty' H. Moodiness is really bad news.

13. Has unrealistic ambitions or expectations, is a gambler also compulsive and so will never build. Expending my resources.

14. Displays excessive reactions to real or perceived threats, criticises little things and over reacts. Look for drama.

15. Chooses a risk-taking lifestyle – gambling, smoking, fast driving and excessive drinking. Look for stability.

16. Habitually lies – about small stuff as well as big stuff and then accuses me of being a compulsive liar. Question when gut says something is wrong.

17. Withholds sex. Says I am fat and repulsive and too sexual aggressive and it's ugly. Look for ordinary sexual needs.

18. acknowledges my needs, desires or hopes only when necessary. His come first, and anyway – aren’t my needs the same as his? Says I am not a "we" person because there is only "him". Look for compromise.

19. If he did something nice, like running you a bath – he’s doing me a favour. 
Usually no Christmas card, and doesn't remembers my birthday, because he simply doesn’t give a damn. Respects things which are important to me including my belongings.

20. Laughs at things others find disturbing and has inappropriate responses to suffering in others. Solution to abuse on the Paris subway? He understands it. Look for balance.

21. My money is his but his is his own. Gave up work and has spent his cash, he can't afford to pay his bills. Look for independence and self respect.

22. Never says ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ to me. 


Last edited by Vanilla; 06/22/15 09:58 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW

Vanilla #2580927 06/22/15 10:10 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319

You know what? A few years ago, I wrote a list of characteristics, traits, hobbies, and values that I wanted in a life partner. Then I set the list on fire to release it to the Universe. Well, the Universe delivered and it worked.

Focus on what you WANT.

My list consisted of two columns with short words such as "compassionate", "sensitive", "understanding" and so on. Some included some descriptions like "enjoys NFL", "enjoys traveling", and "enjoys international cuisine" etc. I included specific physical features...coloring, height, etc.

To boost the image, I included a picture of Elizabeth Shue. rrrawwwrr

You get the picture.

Man, it does work.

Wonka #2580948 06/22/15 11:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
On the subject of Change (Abuser)

Keep in mind, even if they truly wish to change, this is dangerous if they haven't developed the TOOLS to be able to follow through during their next raging moment.

Steps to Change

1. Admit fully to his/her history of emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual and physical abusiveness. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened.

2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. (S)He needs to identify the justifications (s)he used, including the ways (s)he blamed you, and talk in detail about why his/her behaviors were unacceptable, without defending them.

3. Acknowledge that his/her behavior was a choice, not a loss of control.

4. Recognize the effects his/her abuse has had on you and on your family, and show empathy for those. (S)He needs to talk IN DETAIL about the impact that the abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, etc. And (s)he needs to do this without feeling sorry for him/herself or talking about how hard the experience has been for her/him.

5. Identify in detail his/her pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. (S)He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse (S)he has used, identify the underlying beliefs and values that drove those behaviors, such as considering him/herself entitled to constant attention.

6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones (s)he is stopping.

7. Reevaluate his/her distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. (S)He has to recognize that (s)he has focused on and exaggerated his/her grievances against you. (S)He needs to compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities.

8. Make amends for the damage (s)he has done. (S)He has to have a sense that (s)he has a debt to you. (S)He can start payment by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his/her own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, fixing what (s)he has damaged, and cleaning up the emotional and literal messes (s)he has caused.

9. Accept the consequences of his/her actions. (S)He should stop blaming you for problems that are the result of his/her abuse.

10. Commit to not repeating his/her abusive behaviors. (S)He should not place any conditions on improvement – such as saying (s)he won’t call you names as long as you don’t raise your voice.

11. Accept the need to give up his/her privileges and do so. Stop double standards, stop flirting with others, stop taking off with friends while you take care of the children. (S)He also is not the only one allowed to express anger.

12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a life-long process. (S)He cannot claim that his/her work is done by saying, “I’ve changed, but you haven’t.” or complain that (s)he is sick of hearing about the abuse.

13. Be willing to be accountable for his/her actions, both past and future. (S)He must accept feedback and criticism and be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and the children.

(S)He Has Not Changed If . ..

(S)He blames partner or others for her/his behavior.

(S)He uses guilt to manipulate the partner into dropping charges or keeping silent.

(S)He does not faithfully attend her/his treatment program.

(S)He pressures the partner to let her/him move back in before partner is ready.

(S)He will not admit (s)he was abusive.

(S)He convinces others that it is the partner who is either abusive or crazy.

(S)He demands to know where partner is and whom (s)he is with.

(S)He uses partner’s behavior as an excuse to treat the partner badly.

(S)He continues to use sarcasm or verbal abuse, talk over his/her partner, and shows disrespect or superiority.

(S)He does not respond well to complaints or criticism of her/his behavior when (s)he slips back into abusive behavior.

(S)He continues to undermine partner’s authority as a parent, and partner’s credibility as a person.

Her/His mindset about women/men has not changed, even though (s)he avoids being abusive.

(S)He criticizes partner for not realizing how much he has changed.

“Completion of a batterer’s intervention program class by a man does not mean his victim is safe or that he has stopped being abusive. While men may learn tools for acting nonviolently, research indicates that many men continue to be abusive, even if they change their tactics.” —Embracing Justice: A Resource Guide for Rabbis on Domestic Violence

If you go back too soon, the abuse will be worse and leaving again will be harder.

Last edited by Zelda09; 06/22/15 11:11 PM.

Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.

Zelda09 #2580961 06/23/15 12:31 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Vanilla Offline OP
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Love the post Z

Great addition to the thread. I had started doing this myself but got a bit stuck.

Wonka, yes, I know.

When I am strong enough I will do that, I have Liam in my sights! Know he may not work for most........

At the moment the negatives are working like garlic on H vampire nature.


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW

Vanilla #2580963 06/23/15 12:43 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Invalidation cheat sheet 

How to invalidate your other half and destroy any chance of an R in one post.
The antithesis of Wonka's validation cheat sheet

“When we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. When one’s feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even when they are perfectly mentally healthy.” RD Laing

What is invalidation?

Invalidation is so insidious that we may not even know it’s happening. We know that something doesn’t feel right, but we can’t put our finger on it and it destroys connection.

People invalidate others for a variety of reasons, sometimes purposefully and sometimes not. An abuser will use invalidation as a tool of manipulation and a weapon. Others may be short on empathy. Some may feel uncomfortable with your pain, or feel powerless to do anything to help you.

The bottom line is this: When you’re invalidated, you are not having your emotional needs met.

Non-verbal invalidation includes things like leaving the room, giving the silent treatment, and rolling the eyes (this indicates contempt, and it’s actually predictive of a bad outcome in any relationship).

Setting the scene by validating first to create connection
Our feelings help us identify our unmet emotional needs. If you don’t feel understood, it means you have an unmet need to feel understood. If you feel neglected or ignored, it means you don’t feel you’re getting enough attention. If you feel taken for granted, it means you aren’t feeling appreciated.

These are some of our fundamental emotional needs:

To be acknowledged.
To be accepted.
To be listened to.
To be understood.
To be loved.
To be appreciated.
To be respected.
To be safe.
To be valued.
To be worthy.
To be trusted.
To feel capable and competent.
To feel clear (instead of confused).
To be supported.

At first abusers validate us, they demonstrated that they cared and that our feelings mattered to them. It seemed to show that we mattered to them. By “mirroring” our feelings, they showed us they were in tune with us. That made us feel connected to them. That’s how they got us to bond with them.

Next invalidate
When we experience invalidation, we defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack.

“Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, “I feel invalidated,” “I feel mocked,” or “I feel judged.” ~ Steve Hein, MSW: Invalidation

Say this to destroy your R

Really want to destroy your R? Try these phrases.............

The following are all invalidating statements that either minimise feelings, deny perceptions, order others to feel differently, tell you how to feel, or lay a guilt trip for thinking or feeling anything:

I thought we already talked about that.
I can’t believe you’re going to bring that up again.
I refuse to have this discussion.
You should be ashamed of yourself for feeling that way.
You need to realize how lucky you are.
It could be worse.
You shouldn’t feel that way.
Think about those who have it worse.
Just don’t worry about it.
Get over it.
Stop taking everything so personally.
Get a life. (thanks I will)
Lighten up.Cheer up. It was only a joke Don’t look so serious.
You’ve got it all wrong.
Of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous. This is nonsense.
That’s not the way things are. That’s not how things are.
I honestly don’t judge you as much as you think.
You are the only one who feels that way. Everyone agrees with me
It doesn’t bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
You must be kidding.
It can’t be that bad. Your life can’t be that bad.
You’re just tired or unwell
It’s nothing to get upset over. It’s not worth getting that upset over.
You should feel thankful that ________.
You should be glad that ________.
Just drop it. Suck it up
You should just forget about it.
I’m sure she didn’t mean that. Maybe he was just having a bad day.
You shouldn’t let it bother you. I’m sure she means well.
Don’t make that face!
You don’t really mean that.
Do you think the world was created to serve you?
Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?
You are......selfish/mean/the most xxxx in the world
What about my feelings? Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings for even a moment?
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining. Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
You can choose to be happy. You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons. Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
This is really getting old. This is getting to be pathetic.
I am sick and tired of hearing it.
You should be over that by now. It’s not such a big deal.
That’s what you’re so excited about? Is that all?
You think too much. Don’t let it get to you.
That’s nothing to be afraid of. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself.
You’ve been upset about this for too long; it’s time to move on. Just don’t think about it.
You need to get past that. You need to get on with your life.
You’re _______ (jealous, insecure, crazy, unstable, a worry wart, overly dramatic, a complainer, or too sensitive)
You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
You’re imagining things, it's in your head

I am sure there are plenty more

This post from various extracts and my abuse diary. For the way to build your R see Wonkas Validation cheat sheet.


Last edited by Vanilla; 06/23/15 12:49 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW

Vanilla #2581325 06/23/15 10:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Breaking the Betrayal Bond

Betrayal Bond, Trauma Bond and Stockholm Syndrome all describe the same thing: a deep, inexplicable bond with someone who has abused. The word “hurt” is an understatement. This is caused when a target of abuse feels a strong bond to their abuser, develop compassion and loyalty to their abusers, whether that abuse be physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, or a combination thereof. They tend to see the lack of abuse or periods between abuse as kindness, as proof of their abuser’s humanity.

A trauma bond is where an intense, traumatic experience or betrayal of trust takes place, forming an equally intense relationship/bond with the abuser.

Trying to understand why there was betrayal is futile. Trying to figure out "why do I feel so sick constantly?" "Why am I having these panic attacks?" "Why can’t I stop thinking about the abuser?" "Why didn’t the abuser still want to be friends?"

Ultimately, "why" doesn’t matter. The target must practice acceptance and just let go of the reason “why.” Perhaps as targets we feel that if we could just know our abusers’ motives or thoughts or reasons, we might be able to understand the betrayal, after all we are nurturing, compassionate people. But we wouldn’t understand, because there is no excuse or valid explanation for abuse, for deception, for betrayal. Ever.

"The moment of betrayal is the worst, the moment when you know beyond any doubt that you’ve been betrayed: that some other human being has wished you that much evil." (Atwood)

In fact, it’s traumatic. The betrayal of a friendship or a lover (or worse, both) is highly traumatic, and your body (and mind) will likely respond as if you have been traumatised. Because you have been traumatised. The level of the abuse related to the impact of the abuse varies, as we all have different capacities for dealing with stress, anxiety, and pain.

As to what betrayal does to a relationship, and ultimately, a person, it’s a constant war between illusion and reality, between believing in love and explaining away lies. There are those people who excel at causing this type of betrayal and bond, especially (but not limited to) those who have disorders which are characterised by a lack of empathy hidden behind a charmer's mask.
The path to betrayal (so called 'dosing'):

Validation The victimiser validated the promise in some way so that you believed things are actually the way they were presented. [Regains confidence]

First betrayal The real intention becomes clear in early abuse or exploitation. What really happened.

New seduction The victimiser adds an explanation to the story so that the abuse is understandable. [New promise or explanation]

More betrayal The abuse and exploitation continue in a number of forms. [Now the target starts to examine their own sanity, value, and costs for having stayed.

Reframing The abuser interpreted costs as minimal and reframed them as necessary for the good of the relationship.

Crisis/Spellbreak Ultimately, reality asserts itself and the target realises no more abuse

Yet the bond remains even after the relationship is severed and contact has ceased.

The path was one of betrayal and exploitation and a harsh form of abandonment, which is connected to the core of addictions and shame. It is worse than neglect, being purposeful and cruel. And if severe enough, it is traumatic, creating a mind numbing, highly addictive attachment to the abuser, leading to self-distrust and self-abandonment.

The target experiences symptoms of PTSD like nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks. Even before the relationship is over, the body knows first. Post trauma there can be daily panic attacks and this is common to those abused.

How it feels to be abused post crisis
Targets who have had no history of an anxiety disorder or panic attacks have:

ADs just to make it through the day.
Constant nausea.
Inability to eat.
Weight loss.
An internal emptiness creating hunger which can't be satisfied
Liquid tummy
Infections of all kinds
Cold sores
Depression and anxiety
Dry mouth
Inability to relax
Tearfulness and dry sobbing
Chest pains
Achy joints
Hair loss
Indulgence and craving
Exhaustion and poor sleep

The body knows that it has encountered a poison, and it’s trying to purge. It’s thrown into a survival fight or flight mode, and it remains there day after day. It’s exhausting. And that is not the worst.
Continued attachment to the abuser

The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the abuser, trying to convert the abuser into non-abusers. The target may blame themselves as a defects and failure as efforts are futile. The target strives to do better as life slips away in the swirl of the intensity. This attachment causes the target to distrust their judgement, distorted realities and even greater risk. To protect against further hurt. The result? A guarantee of more pain. This attachment to the abuser is called betrayal bonds.

And of pain, or the remnants of the pain, the fading scars that never seem to go away…

But who can remember pain, once it’s over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks and scars the psyche, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind.

The target keeps asking unending circular questions,

"Why would I want to be friends?" and "Why would I go back into a situation of abuse?"

But those questions, as logical as they are, don’t have answers because the betrayal bond is not broken. Some part of the target is still empathising with the abuser, rationalising his/her behaviour, wondering if it’s something that the target had done wrong. The wound can not be healed without dealing with the betrayal bond, ultimately it will put you back. You cannot walk away from it. Time will not heal it. Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviours will bring no relief, just more pain. No drink, drugs or behavioural distractions. Walk into the pain and stay away from the abuser. Slowly heal.

Suffer the withdrawal.

Post created from several Internet sources plus Vs diary.


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW

Vanilla #2581355 06/23/15 11:44 PM
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Recovery involves no contact the aim is to make the abuser lose interest as fast as possible

No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible with Abusers. There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in shared child custody with an abuser. The abuser might become convinced that they can MAKE you respond and in that way satiates their need to continue to abuse. They will attempt all kinds of tricks they should be met with greyness.

Many targets have tried to end a relationship with an abuser several times, only to take them back, each time. The abusers turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because the target didn’t understand that this is what an abuser does it succeeds. As targets we fell for the Abusers promises to change. The abuser knows all of our emotional hooks. For the abusers it’s easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions and by temporarily offering hope and intense love. Some abusers will even use trance states and anchoring triggers. But some Abusers can’t change. In fact, when a target leaves an abuser, the abuser becomes determined to punish even more severely the target for thinking they could be autonomous. If targets meet with Abusers then there may be trance induction, love bombing, trauma bonding and anchor triggering. Avoid eye contact and voice calls.

Even if the target does not take them back, the most dangerous time for a target is when they first break up with an abuser who feels rage at being discarded.
Helping the abuser lose interest in the target

1. the breeze block technique.

It differs from no contact in that you don’t overtly try to avoid contact with an abuser. Instead, you allow contact which is consistently unsatisfying thus re-training the abuser to expect boredom rather than drama. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Breeze Block is a way of training the abuser to view the target as an unsatisfying pursuit — the target bores the abuser and abusers can’t stand boredom.

Making an abuser go away of his own volition is one application of Breeze Block. One might say that Breeze Block is a way of breaking up by using the old, “It’s not you, it’s me.” excuse, except that the target acts it out instead of saying it and the abuser comes to the conclusion that there is no reward.

Another reason to use Breeze Block is to avoid becoming a target in the first place. By using Breeze Block the target fades into the background. It’s possible an abuser won’t even remember having met a target. If a target has already inadvertently attracted the attention of an abuser and the abuser has already begun to focus in then the target can still use Breeze Block. Tell them you are boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores or job accomplished that day — in detail.

Parents sharing joint custody with an abusive ex-spouse can use Breeze Block when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. Show no emotion to the offending behaviours or words or the abuser will try different tactics to see which get a reaction.

2. Selective Breeze Block
The target chooses to respond to the abusers tactic which matters least. This will focus the Abusers attention on that minor issue as a decoy pushing all important emotions into the background except the ones the target wants the abuser to see. The more times the abuser has a reward for dramatic behaviour, the more addicted they become to abusing. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, the abuser becomes oppressive boredom and will counter it by creating more drama. If a target stays the course and show no emotions, the abuser will eventually decide to move on.

3. Reversal of attracting DB techniques
Do the opposite of appearing to becoming a man or woman only a fool would leave (appearance only of course you apply DB for self)

4. Appear to have few resources

The target must hide anything that will induce envy in others (Abusers will seek possession):

-If the target happens to be good looking then they need to change that during this time. Use makeup to add bags under eyes, wear crumpled clothes, flat shoes. Pad your waist with extra t-shirts.
-Any money or assets the abuser covets should disappear “in a bad investment decision” (consult with a L on this).
-The shiny expensive sports car has to go, get a banger or white van
-If the target has a good reputation, anticipate that it has already begun to slide by the abuser slandering them; therefore, no compromising or erratic behaviour.
-Light on the booze, wild parties, be with safe people.
-sane great GAL
-personal privacy at all costs
-close Facebook, Twitter, limit postings, get rid of links etc
-create a new email address and use that if possible on a new device
-don't announce a new R, new house, clothes, expensive holiday etc
-no comments about the ex, "that's nice that they bought a new x" and "delighted to hear it" etc
-new bank account, close old ones, put cash into private accounts, if needed leave an uncontroversial bank account
-CCTV if abuser visits, change locks, alarm codes
-move if that's easy
-swap assets, buy second hand, trade down, put away expensive items
-documents to a bank safe
-change routes, shop in new places, change routine
-get a new fin adviser and consult
-spend cash, pay off bills and defer income
-keep all matters close to the chest
-do not question friends about the abuser, change the subject
-keep and use an abuse diary, keep recordings and videos safe
-record document and order
-check for key loggers, recording devices
-get a temporary phone for calls to L etc
-change all logins and web sites passwords
-have a room mate or close friend staying on risk occasions
-avoid expensive restaurants etc
-let the abuser have their circle, just say pleasant things about the weather if asked
-plain as and dull as
-move Abusers assets from targets home environment, hand all assets over, carefully, if not collected, put into storage pay for minimum period then send details and storage key, annotate and list items handed over. Every scrap of paper etc.
-D as fast as possible allow L to act as go between, feign disinterest in proceedings, do not disclose or prewarn
-no acts of service, just functional stuff, polite no extras, no presents, just the fairness
-no revenge tactics, no interfering in new R, no warning new gf/bf, no running them down to others, no warnings to APs spouse
-use email from an old email address, no texts unless urgent child related, no contact with their family or support structure, no messing with their rice bowl
-just ok in response or my L will contact you, unsure of the position, I am unavailable that day
-absolute dark, no initiation of contact unless urgent

The reason the abuser wants to take things from the target is the power trip associated with being the one who took them. This can include children, friends and cash.

By preemptively removing things from view and not reacting with emotion at the losses, the abuser is 'trained' with the idea that the target has developed into the most boring person on earth, someone the abuser would never want to be with. Nor any competitor to the abuser would be interested.

5. Become a breeze block to the abuser

Be a breeze block, no smiles, no frowns, disinterest, indifference
Why Breeze Block?

Its plain, grey hidden behind the brick wall, cheap and dull. You would not want to look at it and you would not want to know its there. It's strong and invulnerable and supports the house. In due course it is the foundation of a new palace.


Last edited by Vanilla; 06/23/15 11:53 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW

Vanilla #2582547 06/27/15 03:56 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
One of your red flags about quickly moving r nilla.....

I just wanted to touch on as a cluster of red flags it's bad as a lone flag it may not be so bad.

I know a bunch of close female associates who have met their long term husband and moved in same day. About 6 in fact, work bestie as you know has been married 25 years this year.

My xh2 was fast but there were lots of other warnings and they mostly were about no taking responsibility in small ways like breaking things at my house and reverse when I did it was a huge difference.

Xh2 was innocent, gg was deliberately plotting against xh2 to destroy his possession.
Xh2 went to great lengths to frame and slander others. The manilutpaion type lies, they are just the hardest to pin down.

No one flag is bad alone, but in clusters I think one would be wise to run like hell.
Xh2 had large clusters in abundance, but given his status and money friends and family were impressed as in nillas case. No one knew how he was in private.

M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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