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A Message from Michele
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#2579130 06/17/15 12:41 PM
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GAL is such an important part of DBing, we thought it deserved a thread all of it's own.

Many of us find it a challenge to GAL, particularly at a low and difficult time in our lives. But if you do GAL, it can pay dividends. Not only does it provide focus OTHER than your sitch, it can lead to a whole new way of life. And a side effect of GAL is that your WAS may even notice how much more interesting you have become and feel drawn towards you again. But let's not worry about them, GAL is all about YOU!

Please use this thread to share your own GAL journey. It may help others to know what has helped you. And if you have ideas for GAL on a budget, GAL with kids and GAL at home, even better. Here's a link to an older thread on GAL:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253924#Post2253924

And before we start - just to clarify, GAL can be anything that you find absorbing, and which helps give your life structure and meaning. GAL can range from hobbies and jobs at home to Meetup groups and sporting activites. Some DBers are more extrovert, others more introvert. It's about finding what floats your boat, improves your day and helps build YOU back up again.

Last edited by Toots; 06/17/15 12:46 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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So, I thought I would start the ball rolling with my own GAL activities, which have truly helped me a great deal..

Volunteering GAL - soon after BD, I started volunteering at our local charity bookstore. I love books, and it is pretty social too. You are always on shift with a couple of other people, and there are regular customers too. I just do a shift a week now, but I can drop in unannounced to help out too..

The bookstore charity are setting up a local fundraising group, and I decided to sign up for that too. We haven't met yet though..

Sporting GAL - This has really helped me. Doing physical activity is pretty absorbing and really helped my stress levels. Plus there is the 'halo' factor in health terms. I signed up for a regular yoga class, which is friendly. You have to pay by the term, but it's so good I don't mind that.

I also go to aqua aerobics. It's much more active than yoga and we have a good laugh too. It's a pay as you go class, so if you miss one, it doesn't matter. I did also try tai chi, but I didn't get along with that.

Support GAL - I went to an infidelity support group for a while (really helpful.) I also went for IC. Can I class this as GAL? It did help give my life some structure soon after BD, and helped a lot with releasing emotion too. I'm trying to set up a local infidelity support group, but the people I'm linking with go very sloooowly.

I've signed up for a divorce support group this autumn.

Social GAL - I joined a women's social group recently. This has led to a couple of new friends who I go out with. I also reconnected more with older friends and I try and accept all invites that people kindly extend to me.

Hobbies GAL - I joined a book group (FREE) that is run by our local library. I also joined a calligraphy group (cheap) that meets once a month for a workshop. Both of these have been fun - mainly female, and similar outlook/interests..

Early after BD, I upcycled furnitue in my Dad's garage. Shopping for junk and working on it was good therapy for me in the early days.

For me (as I left our MH, my job, and the area at BD) GAL has helped me build a new life of my own, that I truly do enjoy.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Great idea, Toots. As an ambivert I roll both ways. The introvert in me loved getting stuck into yoga and meditation in the early days. These became absorbing and something that I will take with me into the future for sure. I also enjoyed reading and learning from a range of books.

As for more extroverted things, so far I have:
1. Volunteered for Red Cross...at music festivals none the less
2. Volunteered for a charity...providing learning support for disadvantaged adults pursuing university coursework
3. Joined various Meetup groups, particularly ones focussing on hiking...great for meeting new people with similar interests
4. Joined a workplace walking challenge...and plan to lead my team to victory in coming months
5. Attended an art class
6. Tried to schedule in drinks/dinner/trivia with friends on a weekly basis
7. Attempted zumba and kick boxing...though tore my calf muscle doing the latter and decided to give it a miss
8. Travel...in the last year I've done a solo trip to the red centre of Australia, spent time in London with my sister, tacked on a few extra days holiday after a conference in Amsterdam (and I'm fortunate in being able to travel to Africa for work). In my view, travel is one of THE best ways to land yourself on your feet again
9. GAL self care...any matter of pampering such as spa pedi and hair colour/cut that I wouldn't have treated myself to previously
10. Shopping...shoes, makeup, lingerie...again, things I wouldn't have treated myself to previously but which bring me joy now because they make me feel good
11. Non-violent communication practice group

I'm sure I've missed something.

I think part of positive GAL effect is just getting stuff scheduled in so you don't have to think about the next step. I recall weekends being exceptionally lonely early on. Now I revel in them - regardless of whether I have something on or not - because it is me time. Generally I aim to have something scheduled 3+ times during the week, and at least 1 day on the weekend. I also started using my fridge as a white board - writing down GAL ideas as they came to me and striking them off as I achieved them. My fridge tells me I still need to attend a cheeeeeese-making course, go snorkelling and get a diving certificate, take a salsa class, go kayaking (nay invest in a kayak) and learn to use GarageBand (en route to an alt career as an electronic musician). I guess the most exciting lesson in all of this is that GAL is who I am now. And it is limitless.




H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Edz, let's have a bit of a logic fun thing with this, I am sure others will chip in.

I don't know how to do tables in this and last attempt transferring a word table was very odd result.

So, why don't we set some guidelines?

Let's say we mark each GAL activity from 1 to 5
Set a target of ??.. 20 pts per week
Add 10 pts each holiday week ??

Ok so GAL points
Swimming, running, hiking, meals, sauna, alone one hour 1 pt (counts as out of house)
Add kids extra pt per child
Add spouse (if not in piecing) take off a point
tv at home nul points
TV at mates plus 1 pt

Club activity, sports, games, sauna, dance, sing, weight watchers, GAanon wassail 2 pts
Competition sport including prep 3 pts
Shopping, visiting muesem culture trip out, course with others non work 3 pts
Dancing party, full on evening with meal, cinema, dinner party 4 pts

Weekend break with chums full on 5 pts for each day

Other stuff
On line gaming with cohorts but not gambling 3 pts but deduct 1 pt for every hour over 8
Coffee with chum 1pt
This site?

That's my starter bid lets get this going like a Mexican Wave

Wassail link (we brits really are eccentric when the world isn't watching)

//youtu.be/JTazCqcD7Ls


Normally involves nog

Vanilla

Score card
Wed work all day 1 pt meal, cinema and coffee with two friends 3 pts
Thurs work all day but at home toothache nul pts gam anon and meal out 3 pts
Friday work all day but at home nul Long call with friend abroad 2 pts coffee with visitor 1 pt
sat work all day nul pts meal with friend 3 pts
Sun gym 2 classes 4 pts sauna and meal with neophyte 4 pts
Monday work all day 1 pt GAanon 12 steps 3 pts
Tuesday Xmas lunch 4 pts less 1 as H there gam anon 3 pts overnight stay with friend 1 pt
Grand total 32 pts target 30 20 plus Xmas 10


This was Vs original points score for GAL. I don't post my GAL scores anymore but I aim for 20 per week on average.

Just to show willing will do GAL scoring next week.

V


Last edited by Vanilla; 07/07/15 11:53 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Maybe I should start keeping score also. I have a habit of letting my GAL slip some weeks. Since I have the kids so often I'll do great one week then not much at all the next.

Last edited by Fogg; 07/08/15 12:08 AM.

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Oh I like the GAL point keeping, competition is sweet. Going to put this into practice!

Great thread Toots, thanks!

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Ten things that may help you GAL:

Google 'meetups' to see what groups are in your local area
Go onto the 'do it' website (in the uk) or visit your local volunteer bureau
Join a support group - Divorce support, or your local church may offer one
Have a look at what your local leisure centre has to offer
See what's going on at your local library

Join a local sporting or social club - whatever floats your boat
Have a look at your local community noticeboard for clubs and events
Go to professional networking events linked to your work
Think of something your really enjoy and look for a local society or club linked to that.
Extend an invite to someone you would like to get to know better...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Hi Toots,

This is a wonderful idea! (By the way, thanks for stopping by before...you made me feel so much better.)

Keep on GAL'ing. I'll catch up with your other thread when I can.

Bob xoxo


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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I live in a really small community that does not offer much in the way of social groups etc. so GAL can be difficult at times.

What I did find out was that by watching the local newspaper they have a community calendar and it has a number of things to try.

I also try and socialize with friends and do things that they are interested in. Went camping with my friends over the 4th of July weekend when I usually go with family.

I try to 180 things that I usually do to look at things with new eyes. If you are looking and open for any and everything there can be a lot to do.

I recently purchased some kettle bells and a mace to do some exercising at home. I have a friend who has been into it for quite a number of years and I have a good time conversing with him about workouts. Am I a gym rat, nope... never, but it is nice to lift heavy things and get too tired to think about my D.

Sometimes for a quick escape I get on Netflix or Amazon and stream a new movie or documentary. It helps me when I watch inspirational stories of people overcoming difficult situations.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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I like this topic! I am currently on a 10 day vacation with my kids, visiting family and friends without H and having a blast. (True, mixed with moments of crippling anxiety, but overall having a really good time).

I have been going to church frequently, taking spontaneous trips to the library or thrift shops, meeting up with friends to take the kids to the pool and then staying there for hours and ordering pizza and making a whole night of it. As opposed to coming home to have dinner with H, (Kids are thrilled to have pizza at the pool and stay until closing.) I have been selling stuff on eBay and having long talks with friends- realizing that everyone has problems and really opening up and having real heart to heart talks with lots of the women friends in my life.

Oh- and I am going home tomorrow from vacation, just in time for H to leave on Thursday for a business trip, and I am planning a bonfire get together at my house- inviting neighbors over to drink wine while the kids play capture the flag and have s'mores. I do that every 2 weeks or so in the summer but usually not when H is away- but I am not letting his being away stop me this weekend. Also seeking out free summer outdoor concerts and meeting up with friends (usually h too, but with or without him) .

Also doing well with 180's. Not so well with detaching or shutting my mouth, but having fun with GAL and 180s. I am planning to look for a job after the kids go back to school in the fall. I should have GAL a long time ago, despite the heart break I am actually having more fun than before BD.



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