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Breathe

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Kramer Offline OP
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Update:

For the most part, the last few weeks have been quite good. W has stopped divorce, sent NC letter, and is wearing her rings. We have been reconnecting and having fun together, and it seems like old times. She has been spending the night with me every night. We commute to work together and laugh and joke. She sends messages to me throughout the day and is fun and flirty. Seems like good times, and yet...

I just can't shake the feeling that there is some ulterior motive or hidden agenda here. Perhaps I am just being hypersensitive because of the deceit and double life involved with her affair. She insists that she is happy and content, and wants nothing more than to reconnect and grow old with me. I know I'm a nice guy, but come on...it was only a few short weeks ago that you were hot and heavy with OM. Let me spell out some of my concerns.

She gave me access to her phone. I read through her emails and texts last night. I don't see any contact with OM, and all previous communication with him has been deleted. I did read other emails that indicated some discrepancies in dates that she had given me. She had told me that she had not seen him past a certain date, but the emails proved otherwise. I confronted her about this last night, and she immediately went on the offensive, telling me that I was trying to trap her in a lie and to stop being so obsessive. I tried to explain to her that I need full truth and transparency, because I need that to help rebuild trust between us. When I come across something that shows a half truth or lie, whether intentional or not, it brings up doubt and insecurity. I asked her to try and see it from my point of view, but she didn't seem to get it. She said that we have had a great 2 weeks and we're starting over, so I need to back off. I explained to her that we had 16 years of good times, and she still had affair. We went to bed together, but there was definitely friction. This is the first argument so far, and I'm sure there will be more.

This morning she was fine. Happy and carefree. Nothing said about last night. She did bring up the subject of moving back in, and asked for a timetable. She seems to expect her and the kids moving back in by September. I changed the subject. It just seems like she wants to take up right where we left off, and is starting to get upset when talking about the last 8 months. Almost like she wants to forget it and move forward. Sorry, but I can't do that. It DID happen, and there is a lot of hurt and mistrust that needs to be resolved.

Of course, it probably didn't help that I went back through all of her texts with OM when they first got together. I read everything about how it started, including all the sordid details about their sexual encounters and the hurtful thing she said about me. That was probably not a good idea, but I'm trying to keep myself based in the reality of what happened.


Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
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Kramer Offline OP
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Let's open the flood gates a little further...

As I mentioned, W has been texting frequently throughout the day and I have been reciprocating. This is new for us but is what her and OM used to do. They texted and talked all the time and now I feel like I am being "trained" to do the same. Don't get me wrong, it's fun and I enjoy communicating with my wife, but a tiny part of me feels like I am trying to compete with/outdo OM, even though he is out of the picture. In fact, I get the same flirty responses back from her that she used to send to him. I'm sure she doesn't realize, but I have access to all of their previous texts.

Along a similar line, she seems to have an insatiable sexual appetite. This is quite different from our previous relationship. I'm sure part of it is the newness of reconnection, but I'm sure most of it is from her recent affair with OM. That's more than a little unnerving and sad to me. There will now always be comparisons and insecurities. It's pretty great right now, but what happens when things settle down?

One of my biggest fears is that now that the affair line has been crossed once, it seems like it will be easier for her to cross again. Even if it's not with OM, it could be somebody else.

Oh yeah, I also found an email to her previous boyfriend while looking through her phone. This was sent while she was with OM. It was not very I depth, but was flirty and laced with innuendo. I don't know if it means anything, other than she was having doubts about her relationship with OM, even then.

I'm sure this is all normal, but it's real hard.


Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
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Well, you probably know where I stand. It does seem a little too over the top, her being oh-so-happy and all.

Quote:
She gave me access to her phone. I read through her emails and texts last night. I don't see any contact with OM, and all previous communication with him has been deleted.


Wait a minute, Krammer. She doesn't get to decide when you see her phone. The whole point is for you to have access whenever you decide to look, and without giving her time to give it a once-over before handing it to you. Of course, she can delete as she goes, but if she's still in contact with him, something will give her away.

Quote:
She had told me that she had not seen him past a certain date, but the emails proved otherwise. I confronted her about this last night, and she immediately went on the offensive, telling me that I was trying to trap her in a lie and to stop being so obsessive.


Did you actually read something in someone's email that contradicts what she told you?

Quote:
She said that we have had a great 2 weeks and we're starting over, so I need to back off.

She did bring up the subject of moving back in, and asked for a timetable. She seems to expect her and the kids moving back in by September. I changed the subject. It just seems like she wants to take up right where we left off, and is starting to get upset when talking about the last 8 months. Almost like she wants to forget it and move forward.


That's not a good sign. You can't just "start over" as though nothing happened. If she's not real about this, the cracks will start showing more & more. I think you need to continue to hold your ground about MC, healing, etc. And, catch her phone when she isn't expecting it. See what her attitude is, then. Oh, and there may be more deleted emails, since you've tipped her off about the discrepancies.

There are several ways a WW can get around phone/computer transparency, if she is covering up her contacts with OM. If she's not authentic in wanting the MR to heal over the destruction she's caused, she will resist and resent your questioning and checking more & more. Once she gets back into the house with you.....you've had it. You might as well lay out the "welcome limbo" mat. She's wanting to get around the work she needs to do, and that won't cut it.

Her attitude is the best transparency of all. She can put on a good front part of the time, but eventually, the attitude gives her away.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Kramer Offline OP
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Sandi,

She gave me the code to her phone 2 weeks ago. Last night was when I chose to look at it. She did not know that I was looking at it.

Yes, I read the email between her and her son that indicated she was with OM on a certain date. Now, to be fair, she may not have recalled the specific date. But I highly doubt it.

I believe that relationship with OM is over, because of NC letter and her friend collecting her things from his house. I think he dumped her though, not the other way around. I'm sure this scared her, and now she is after the stability and familiarity that I bring. And while I am glad she rescinded divorce, I now wonder if she did so in order to save her 401k and other assets. She does not like being alone.

I realize that I should not look a gift horse in the mouth, but I'm a little gun shy here.


Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Kramer

The sitch is always complex.

WW is very bright and I am concerned.

Not for WW but for you.

Breathe, and slow your thoughts, let your washing machine mind rest awhile.

Gently on yourself

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Warning.alarms are going offf in my head. Tread carefully Kramer


Was made a better person by DB'ers
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Kramer Offline OP
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V

Curious as to why you say she is very smart. What I see is someone who got dumped and is afraid of being alone. She is worried about the chaos and financial implications of being by herself and living with her children and grandchild.

I do believe she has feelings for me and wants to reconcile, but I am very worried that she is now backtracking on the work necessary to have a viable and better relationship. Going back to the way things were might be easy and feel good initially, but unless we identify and fix the problems, we will be right back at the same point in the near future.

I think I will just back off a bit and just live in the moment. I'm going to try to turn off my thoughts about affair, and not talk about R for the time being.


Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Maybe because we are separated by the same language!

Street smart might be better than bright. In the UK we say bright as a button.....

Curious expression and i do believe Kramer we are saying the same thing. WW is acknowledging her fin vulnerability as well as her emotional one.

If you love WW see beyond this and if you have to be the one to Tango does that matter?

Peace

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 06/06/15 12:36 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Kramer, sounds like you need to take it slow & maintain boundaries. Also have a think about what you need to heal before you consider living together again.

Your W's defensive response sounds like 'in wayward mode' to me. It doesn't sound like she is all in yet, and neither should you be. If you stick to low expectations and keep on with GAL, I don't think you can go too far wrong.

Take care ((((Kramer))))


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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