I'm not gonna lie, though. While it feels good, I'm also having some ambivalent thoughts. All I ever wanted was to save my marriage. Now it seems like things are moving so darn fast. I am so happy about these developments, but I'm also still extremely angry, hurt, and embarrassed by her actions. I'm sure this is normal.
We see this happen frequently on the board. It's like the LBS finally gets what they so desperately wanted, and then come close to becoming the WAS themselves. Piecing is hard, and especially when she's not even gone through the withdrawal of the A yet. I hope you two will have a professional guiding you through the process.
It is great the D proceedings have been withdrawn, and that she has sent the NC letter. If you feel frustrated, confused, and/or emotionally rushed....you may need to tell her you need to slow the pace some, in order to process everything. After all, it was only a little over a week ago that she wanting to attend the birthday party for OM's daughter. So I can see why you feel things are happening fast!
She may be wanting to feel the familiarity of what she had before she was jilted (which I believe you realize it, whether she does or not). Women want to feel security in the R (to "seal the deal"), so she may tend to press or rush you a little faster than you are prepared to do at the moment. However, everything so far, are things that needed to be done.....so that's good.
The content of her NC letter was worded very well. Was this sent electronically or hard copy?
Do you still plan to live in separate places for a while?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Kramer, so happy for this possibility of reconciliation. I hope for nothing but the best for you and will be watching your progress.
Were you shocked at her realization of what she had done, did it come out of the blue or did you see her actions start to show a little remorse before she stated she wanted to try and fix things?
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
"Now it seems like things are moving so darn fast. I am so happy about these developments, but I'm also still extremely angry, hurt, and embarrassed by her actions. I'm sure this is normal."
Kramer, there's some content on this in DR. MWD says it's common and normal to feel this way when there is prospect of reconciling. She says all the hurt and resentful feelings start to surface and LBS can begin to feel they are making a big mistake. But actually, the feelings just need to be processed and dealt with. You may find it helpful to read up on what she says about this.
A day at a time and at a pace you are comfortable with okay? You have been through a lot and things will take a good while to improve. We'll all be here with you whilst you move forwards. Have you looked at the piecing section of this forum?? ((Kramer))
Thanks Toots. I am re-reading DR and DB, and will read MWD's articles on this as well. I have been looking at Piecing forum, but still afraid to call it that yet. So far, so good, though. I can't believe how this has turned around.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
[quote] We see this happen frequently on the board. It's like the LBS finally gets what they so desperately wanted, and then come close to becoming the WAS themselves. Piecing is hard, and especially when she's not even gone through the withdrawal of the A yet. I hope you two will have a professional guiding you through the process.
It is great the D proceedings have been withdrawn, and that she has sent the NC letter. If you feel frustrated, confused, and/or emotionally rushed....you may need to tell her you need to slow the pace some, in order to process everything. After all, it was only a little over a week ago that she wanting to attend the birthday party for OM's daughter. So I can see why you feel things are happening fast!
She may be wanting to feel the familiarity of what she had before she was jilted (which I believe you realize it, whether she does or not). Women want to feel security in the R (to "seal the deal"), so she may tend to press or rush you a little faster than you are prepared to do at the moment. However, everything so far, are things that needed to be done.....so that's good.
The content of her NC letter was worded very well. Was this sent electronically or hard copy?
Do you still plan to live in separate places for a while?
Sandi,
We will definitely have professional counseling. My IC has agreed to do couples therapy for us, and my wife is anxious to start. She has also agreed to IC, although she is nervous about it. I will continue with IC and group. No way do I want to go back to how things were before A.
You nailed it about her being jilted and wanting security with me. I realize that's why things are moving so fast. I think she had an eye opening experience from OM once the thrill of the chase was over, but she still needs to grieve and process things. She is very angry and embarrassed by OM actions.
NC letter was sent electronically with me as BCC. she says no contact from him since he sent his response. She has given me her phone and passwords. I did not see any recent history.
She is spending the night with me, but we will be keeping separate households for a while. I have enjoyed having a stress free and clean house, and do not want to go through the stressors that were present before. We need to figure out our finances, and set up a plan to get the adult children out on their own asap. That is the real work.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Kramer, so happy for this possibility of reconciliation. I hope for nothing but the best for you and will be watching your progress.
Were you shocked at her realization of what she had done, did it come out of the blue or did you see her actions start to show a little remorse before she stated she wanted to try and fix things?
I was not shocked by her finally realizing and owning what had happened, because this behavior was so far out of her norm. I WAS shocked by how quickly she followed up that realization with actions. She took full responsibility and has done everything that she said she would.
She started texting and communicating more frequently about 4-6 weeks ago, coincidentally after I backed off and started detaching more.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
It makes me a little nervous when the WW starts moving things so fast, b/c it is a process that one doesn't get through in just a few days. Like I said, women like to feel that the deal has been sealed in relationship matters, so she may see her moving back into the house as the seal. We have seen a few WW's do this, but most are hesitant about jumping back.....especially those who have not faced many consequences. Although she has said and done what she needs to do, I agree that you need to stay on your toes. I think it would be a big mistake to let her move home this quickly. In fact, I hated to hear that you are letting her sleep over. Seems a little fast right after OM, but maybe that's just me.
The withdrawal will be more than just her grieving the A. She will crave it, too. Right now, she's angry at OM, but I think it will pass, eventually, and she will have to deal with actually wanting to make contact with him. If she can overcome that temptation (many times), then she'll have a chance at beating it. Of course, the depression is another obstacle.
I know I hammer about the amount time it takes, but most LBS's I have read about, are so anxious to get the MR back on track that it pushes things too fast. In this case, however, it sounds as if she's the one pushing.
You seem much more level-headed now than you did just a couple of weeks ago. I hope you will stay smart. There is hope here. There is a real possibility for a new MR.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am really doing my best to be level headed and steady in my actions. So far she is walking the walk. She answers every question I give her. She is consistently remorseful and apologetic for her behavior AND for the pain it caused. She is wearing her ring and insists that I do the same. She is reading books on affair recovery "Not Just Friends" and "After the Affair". She is also reading divorce Remedy. We will start MC next week.
We had a lengthy talk last night about the affair. I asked her point blank what will happen when her anger at OM is replaced with sadness. I also wondered about what she will feel when we have disagreements or things become boring. She insists that she will be open and honest, and wants to forge a new path with our M. I told her that she hurt me to the core and I am fearful and mistrustful. She said she can see my point. She appears sincere.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Still enjoying your success Kramer! Good for you friend.
So the key for you was detaching - is that correct?
STILL struggling with that one as we have two smallish kids. W still very angry with me and continues harrange me for trying to "Call all the shots". Her face is frozen with anger and I just let her stew in it.
I am still hopeful that the changes I make within myself make ME a better person and a better MOM to my little kids.
I am grateful to read success stories like yours. You are an inspiration!
Congratulations Kramer, it sounds like things are really turning around for you. This is the position that we all hope to be in and it sounds like you're navigating well!
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hi Kramer, glad things are moving forward for you. I think the key is to do the work together & deal with the nasty stuff along with the nice. It's very early days, but your W truly seems willing to do what it takes - tho there may well be a few bends in the road to come yet....good luck to you both x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
