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Kramer Offline OP
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Cadet, please link my old threads
What just Happened
Kramers Journey
Letting go Q's
Newbie needing advice


Ok, my friends, this weekend has turned out to be quite memorable. I am at lunch now and will try to provide as much info as possible. I will likely need to fill in specific details as time permits over the past few days. Here goes:

I went to dinner with my wife on Friday. She was in a great mood and we talked for hours about life events. No R talk per se at dinner, but we went back to my house and that's when some in depth talking occurred. She initiated the conversation. She expressed sorrow for the affair, but als was very detailed in her acknowledgement of the pain and destruction that it caused. She described the affair fog and how she became addicted to how it made her feel, even as her family crumbled around her.

Over the next 3 days, we talked incessantly about what had happened. She answered every question I asked of her and her OM. She admitted that he ended things with her a few weeks ago. She says that she then realized how she had been used by him. He did indeed tell her that he didn't want a serious relationship with her, and only wanted to friends with benefits. She says that she is ashamed and truly remorseful for the enormity of the pain and destruction that she caused. She accepted full responsibility for her actions and appeared genuine with her answers and attitude.

She said that she had no right to ask me for a second chance, but that she wants an opportunity to try and repair this damage and is willing to do whatever it takes to fix things. She had actually already been reading a book on recovery from adultery, and agreed to IC and MC. actually, she insisted that it was necessary. She is going to reactivate her old phone and put it on my account so I can check it whenever I want. She agrees to NC with OM. she will be rescinding divorce paperwork this Friday.

She appears humbled, remorseful, and is able to articulate all that her affair has caused. She is willing to reach out to my kids, and I told her that I would not be the one to do so. She has already told her parents, children and family that she has made a huge mistake, and is going to try and salvage our marriage.

That's the gist of it so far. As good as it feels, I realize that it is still very early and the real work is just beginning. I am so very happy, yet extremely apprehensive. Interestingly, I have finally realized that I will be fine no matter what the outcome. I want our marriage to survive and be better than ever, but I am no longer afraid of being alone. I'm a good hearted person, and she is lucky to have me. So will anybody else.

I just want to add that DB/DR actions work. She said that she was moving full force ahead until she noticed my pullback and radio silence. She was angry that I seemed to be doing fine without her and seemed happy. Of course I wasn't, but she THOUGHT I was. That's the point.

Another interesting observation. I told her I had gone out on a few dates and signed up on an online dating site. She got extremely jealous when I told her this, even though my activity was minimal and superficial. I thought that was quite funny.

I am going to take things steady and slow. We will be maintains 2 separate households for now, and keep our finances separate. I'm open to overnights and weekend plans, but we need to do this right. I hope this is the correct approach.

I will certainly keep you posted of developments in my ditch. Please pray for me/us.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/26/15 08:52 PM. Reason: Links

Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
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I am happy for you, Kramer. Beware of potholes, but good job.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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I'm so happy for you to get to this point and I wish you the best going forward. Take things slow and carefully.

You can do it.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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Kramer - thanks for the inspiration! My wife filed and I moved out. She is still doing the affair, so seeing that it is possible when things seem so gloomy is very reassuring.

Good luck - keep us posted!


M-33
W-33
S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
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Kramer, very best of luck to you both - that is promising news. It's still pretty early after the ending of the A, so best to expect a few bends in the road yet. But sounds like your sitch has started heading in a better direction, which is great! Take care, Toots :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Kramer,
I am so pleased that you have got to this point. Keep posting. The journey has only just begun, or so I am told.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
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Kramer ... steps in the right direction .. but yeah word of caution, the A has JUST ended and your W was clearly more emotionally vested in that than OM was, so she will be having withdrawls for a bit, read up on Sandi's WW thread for insight there. My W came to a similar place back in March ... we have not even begun to scratch the surface where issues have been piling up ... but I would rather be here ... than at the BD place thats for sure .. keep at it .. its working.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Excellent news - very very happy for you Kramer. You deserve the best.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
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Congrats. This is encouraging news for me today, as my W just left for a first "official" date with the OW. She will come home to instructions to move into the spare bedroom, and I know it's a very long slog ahead here. I pray she and I eventually come to have a dinner conversation like yours.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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Kramer Offline OP
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Cali,

Totally agree that she will have withdrawals and that she was emotionally invested. She says that she is extremely angry and disillusioned with OM now because of the destruction that A caused. As much as I blame my wife for all that has happened, I also realize that she will have to go through a grieving process as well.

Any advice on how to negotiate the upcoming stages would be most appreciated.


Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
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