You say that you understand there is no rationality to it, but then ask how he can continue to go through the motions. He is broken, confused, in crisis. Not to give an excuse, just an explanation.
Hey, thanks, uR. That ^^ was my point. That logically I understood, but was still not skilled enough to take the emotion out of it. I was still spinning on that, even though I could comprehend it rationally.
But you are right, I will not be able to let it go until... I guess I can stop spinning. I am my own worst enemy with this.
Live, love the post. And I have been thinking along the same lines...
I realized that this is my life. I have felt that the situation is my life and everything else is much smaller. I have gotten to a place where I have lots of great things in my life, and this situation in really only a small piece of it.
Hi Bright & Claire. Hope you are well.
AJ- loved the post. My daughter's communication really caught my attention, too! I mean, wow. And thank you for the compliment. I wouldn't have looked at it like that, but I do need to give myself some credit.
Quote:
Let go of the person he was, and see him for who he is. Deal with him that way. Get your quiet time and recharge. Think about it - he's not going to be the person you knew. He's too broken and trying to put himself together. Not very well, but he's trying. He wants to have a relationship with his kids - that's huge in this arena, believe me. But know that he is not who you knew and likely won't ever be again
And that, AJ ^^. That's some stuff. I think I am truly seeing what that really means. Absorbing into all of me.
Hope- Daaaang! LOVE the post. And I totally agree with you. That's exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing that with me. And my kids, they get it. We were so close, and they are old enough... he can't front on them. There is no cover he can use that isn't totally transparent to them. It ticks me off that he tries to manipulate them with his lies. It is so obvious.
So.... a lot has transpired.
After Mother's Day, I had a tough week. By the weekend, things were going really well. REALLY well! I was super busy. Had lots of GAL. S18 had prom and had a great time. D14 was doing great. This week was also going very well. What's interesting.... the new perspective and insight I gain after a set back.
Set backs stink, but I tend to come back a little stronger every time. I thought of it like if I were Earth. Always spinning around, but in a constant forward progression, which forces me to move along my path. Don't know I entirely agree with that now, but it was a thought. And I guess the point is, that even with setbacks, when I come out, I am a little further along than before the setback.
But... now there is a new one... however, I think it is a good thing. It was VERY eye opening. And has given me some great perspective, and is enabling me to D.E.T.A.C.H. I mean, this is all pretty new... so we will see where I land. But, I'm OK. So I guess that's a good sign.
OK, so coming off the weekend with a whole new attitude from the weekend prior, I was off and running to a good start of the week.
Wednesday, I had IC, which I was really looking forward to. On my way there, I started getting emotional. Not because I was going there, but because my drive was towards xh's and hww's work, right around the time they get out. I loathe the thought of seeing them. I even thought about people here who have to see it frequently and how I just cant stand the thought of it.
At this point. I don't care what they do. It's whatever. But, I just don't want to see it. And what really makes it so difficult is her entitled, selfishness. She just does not care. At all. You know the story... it's her world....
Anyway, I talk for awhile with my IC about how I am so fearful of seeing them... or running into her. For the most part, I have adjusted to seeing him at games and things. It's not great, but I am... OK. And I keep a good distance. But her... I really don't know what she looks like, exactly. I only saw her the one time in November, and it was for a few seconds, and it was a little....
So I was very open and honest with my IC about it. Essentially, I just am not prepared yet.
I avoid anything I can to prevent myself from seeing her... or "them." I go to the store as minimally as possible, and try to go during a time when they'd be at work. I don't go places I think she may be. I refuse to drive anywhere near their house... or her mom's house. Honestly, it's torture. I can't explain it anymore that pure terrorism.
I know, it's my own thing I need to get over. I could go on... but what's the point?
So I leave my IC and go home. As soon as I get home, d14 tells me she wants to get a lava lamp for her teacher. His broke, she really likes him (he is an older teacher, retiring next year) and there is something about him that she.... trusts. And he really likes her. He gave her a political pin he has had for 25 years, and so on....
Well he is having medical issues and d14 is really worried about him and wanted to do something nice. So... we headed off to... Walmart!
We were in there awhile just being silly and looking at things. Then, when we were leaving... guess who pulled in right behind me. Yup... you guessed it.
HWW
I couldn't believe it.
So as I was leaving, she was walking in... I said, "What up, homewrecker!" and drove home.
You can give me all the 2x4's in the world. I know, I know, I know. And really... I'm OK with it.
Five minutes later xh called me. I didn't answer.
Yesterday, I was at d14's lax game. Xh was there. Way on the outskirts, as always, bc he is humiliated with his life???? Whatever.
As I was watching the game... I got a phone call. From the sheriff dept.
About my altercation in the Walmart parking lot. OK, now we have entered full blown Jerry Springer status.
I asked him, "So, what did I do that was illegal?" He really didn't give me an answer. He was super annoyed. He said he didn't have time for this petty nonsense. I reminded him that I did not involve him. I was trying to be respectful...
I just didn't comprehend. Like, what the....
He told me if it happened again, i could be arrested. Whatever.
So, I was pretty pissed.
The three month silence was broken. I went right over to xh.
OMG... Who is this person??? I mean seriously??? There was not 1% of this person who was him. I didn't recognize one thing!
I asked him what she told him happened. He refused to tell me. (Because it is totally fabricated). I asked why he called me. He said bc I was at the store waiting for her. I informed him I was at home!
Apparently, from what I could get out of his drabble... was that I stalk and harass her. I followed her there to harass her and was waiting for her. I don't even know. Ummmm.... I avoid her like the f'ing plague!
I reminded him that she makes up stories, lies, is a huge drama queen... just like he told me. He said no she's not. I reminded him about how even HER mom said that and when she scratched herself on a hanger trying to kick him out, how she tried to lie and say he did it to her. Then she texted him about it and he said, thank you for confirming that I didn't do that to you. And he said- no, that didn't happen.
He could NOT look me in the eyes- even for a second. He kept trying to AVOID EVERYTHING!! He kept trying to walk away. He implied that she has a plan to take me down. That I am digging a whole and I'm not going to get out of it bc she is going to bury me. I don't even know what the heck he is talking about. I asked what he meant, and he said, "I'm not telling you anything."
He acted like I was a total scumbag stranger. And honestly, it was like he has never known me. And I am not saying this because I care... He seems 100% brainwashed. It is soooooo bizarre. She is so in his head about me. SOOOO in his head. Seriously- like the 20 years meant nothing.
And he confided in me before that she would always get upset and say that he always sticks up for me. I was thinking about how I was so irrelevant from their life, what could she even be saying about me that he would have to? She didn't know me nor had never even seen me. Well.... looks like he had to make a change with that!
What I see is someone who is doing whatever she wants and says just to.... be happy???? He sold his soul to the devil. And he sold me out along the way. I just couldn't believe that he would support here going to the cops on me. I really can't. So I guess a part of me is still pretty naive.
He totally sees me as a threat bc of what he confided in me. He says she did nothing wrong... by breaking up our family. He said it is all on him. Which I agreed with but said they are both to blame. She knew he was married and had kids... and she was a mother herself. That she does not care how much she hurts my kids.
Anything I said was totally irrelevant. I don't think he heard a thing I said.
He is totally brainwashed. (I am not saying that to take away his accountability)
Things he said did not make sense.
He totally defended her.
He defended his actions.
Says he does not care what people say.
He was trying to escape like crazy.
He looks like crap. He looks even more aged than he did a few months ago. He looks tired and old. He is only 37, and always looked very youthful looking.
I tried to plead with him to consider moving. He said he's not going anywhere. I explained how difficult it has been for d14 and she always wants to move away. Can you guess the response????
Because of ME! Duh.. of course.
I reminded him that when she first said it in December, he was here, and that it was HIM who said he knows she wants to move because of the baby and the sitch. Um... yeah... no comment.
But I know they blame me for everything.
That's OK.
I am going back to my solitude. My silence.
They get nothing from me. As long as they can point their misery at me, they won't look at each other, or heaven forbid... in the mirror.
I've got lots to look forward to. And I'm going to keep it moving. I couldn't help but think that it all happened for a reason.
I couldn't believe the timing. I have prayed so hard for the last week to help me see the truth. And to help me move on. And seeing her was sooo on my mind.
I believe I saw the truth. I believe it has helped me MOVE ON. And I think she was put in my path for a reason.
When I think about where he is... it really breaks my heart. I feel so badly for him. I see his despair. I don't want that for him, even if he doesn't care about what happens to me. I realize that's part of his broken-ness. And I can't continue to let that hold me back from my happiness.
Gotta go... HVAC guy is coming. And the drywall in the kitchen is being hung as we speak!! Whooop whoop!
Mighty, Funny how she showed up at the same store you did and was right behind you. Who is stalking who? I don't think this was an accidental move on her part. If I recall Walmart has a lot of parking spaces and why did she choose to park directly behind you unless the parking lot was full? I may be wrong, but it sounds like she did this deliberately to set the ball in motion to get in your face. Funny how the cops were called after you said something.
No matter what you say or do, she's going to lie to keep him close. She's the one that really looks stupid, as you did not stalk her nor did you threaten her. She's just plain nuts. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could see her.
As for your stupid xh...he deserves her. He's going to defend her no matter what happens and let's face it...he knows you wouldn't do stuff like that. She's got him by those jewels and twisting them so hard he doesn't know what hit him. It's going to take a lot for him to see the light of day or he'll be singing at a high pitch for the rest of his life.
BTW, I think you were actually nice in what you said to her. She's lucky you didn't raise your voice for the entire parking lot to hear what you said. Now, you know what you are dealing w/and you'll have to refrain from saying anything to her. It's okay to look her in the eyes, but don't say another word. I may be wrong, but she's going to try to goad you again into saying or doing something. She knows exactly what she's doing and the wedge that she's driving between you and your xh will only get deeper and wider to keep the two of you at odds over co-parenting and getting along for the sake of the family.
I hope you can get a lot of your kitchen work done today. Put that anger to good use in hanging the drywall.
I think you are doing great and btw, I'm proud of you! Don't let them see you sweat!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What I take away from this episode...boy, is this guy going to regret his decision one day. She's a loon.
I think you showed tremendous restraint.
I've been reading some about victims of rape and PTSD. Episodes of intense/hair trigger rage are common among folks recovering from profound traumatic experiences. It takes time, don't beat yourself up for reacting to a person who, in truth, upset your life in a horrific way. That's just the reality. It would be like meeting the grizzly bear in a parking lot months after you were mauled.
If she was a grizz, though, you would be able say she was just doing what came naturally. And, sadly, she probably is...because she is crazy.
Look at how pathetic and sneaky she behaved. Not that I'm surprised.
Feelings are feelings. Not good, not bad. Just feelings. There must be a reason you feel what you feel...in this case huge injustice. Over these feelings, you have little control. It's what you do with them. You are the master of the actions in response to the feelings.
When you called her a homewrecker, well, it's the truth. She is.
I hear you, when you remark about the 2x4's etc...you are judging yourself and maybe questioning the response you will get on the boards...but, the fact remains, you have every right to feel some truly intense, overwhelming feelings upon seeing this person who damaged the life you had. And, it's not for anyone to judge how you handled it.
Bottom line: YOU HANDLED IT without killing her. You aren't in jail.
I discovered Matt's affair when I was driving D12 to fireworks on July 4 two years ago. They were broken down on the side of the road in OUR old Jeep. Anyway, at one point I damn near drove my Jeep into the other with skank sitting there saying, "There's nothing going on Heather." With a nose full of piercings and a body covered in tattoos. VERY JERRY SPRINGER. ;-)
I hate to see you driven from your home, but I have to say, in my experience, the distance has made things so much easier to get past. It's helped me. Maybe it's not your answer.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
She called the police because you called her a homewrecker as you passed her as you were going out of the store and she was going in???
Seriously - you need to A) get a copy of that police report and B) contact the store to see if they have security camera tape. Because if she is claiming something happened other than you just calling her a name, the security cameras will prove it wasn't so - and you may need to threaten her with a lawsuit to let her know she can't pull that kind of crazyass sh!t.
Women like this are dangerous and you need to nip this in the bud. Security tape isn't kept all that long so ask to speak to the store manager ASAP so they don't tape over it.
She must have made SOMETHING up because I can't imagine the cops wasting their time if all she told them was you called her by her name ("Homewrecker") lol.
I agree w/kml. You need to get a copy of the complaint that she lodged against you. I can't even imagine law enforcement getting involved unless she said you had threatened her or raised your hand to her. Watch your back.
BTW, how is the kitchen coming along?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, Heather. That was a really nice post. I appreciate it.
Ellie, yeah... she is so crazy. She is the most conniving, manipulating, 'victim' you could ever imagine.
She is straight-up evil.
I can't even imagine being that kind of scum-of-the-earth human.
I am sick to my stomach. I don't even know if I want to see the report! It may send me into a rage!
I just want them to disappear from my life! I don't care what they do; I just want them to do it far away from me!
I feel, in a way, angry at myself for giving him any attention at all. I feel like he liked it. I know it did nothing, he didn't hear anything I was saying.
He said I need to let it go. I was trying to express to him that I have let it go. That I'm NOT hanging on to him, but my frustration is her attitude towards the whole thing and how it affects my kids. He did not even want to hear me say that I've let it go. It's like he wants to make it about me wanting him.
He so needs to get over himself. It does make me aware that I need to not give them any attention. I pointed out the fact that I haven't called him or bothered him for anything since July 7, 2014. It was actually before then, but that's the nuke date. I totally left them alone. I never once said a peep to them. Nothing. He texted me all that week asking if I was ok and stuff.... I went totally dark that day.
Of course there was the very minimal interaction in the fall. Very minimal... until he came around. But since February 10, 2015, when I said I have to let him go. That's what I've done and haven't said a peep since (outside of the d14 bday and the one day of texting about the deed, both in February.)
But he totally made it out like I am after him. I stalk her and harass her. I just don't get it. Together they have created this image of who they want me to be to feed their narcissistic ego. I'm not that!
And I realize it was pointless and frustrating... but I kept trying to get that through to him. But he DID NOT want to hear that. He did not want me to interrupt their creation of their idea of who I am. It's so sick.
Clearly he is threatened bc he confided in me how he felt about her. And clearly she is threatened by me bc he came back around here for awhile.
So, as i want nothing to do with either one of them... they are threatened by me. But I don't want that. I just want peace!
Maybe I'm way off base. But it just seems that way. And it seems like the clarity I prayed for. It's what my instincts tell me at this point.
I don't want to look like the crazy one. I don't want to come across as bitter. Again, I just want them to go away from me! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!
She may think she "won" the battle, but honestly the war she is fighting is not with me. I'm not interested.
I think they love the drama.
And xh said i just need to leave her alone. It's frustrating, honestly. I mean... I have left them alone this whole time! I went there ONCE and it was bc of s18. It's not my fault she turns everything into being about her. And she is a victim who needs constant attention and ego massaging.
It's exhausting for me, and I've seen her a total of like, 45 seconds in my whole life.
I can't believe that he denied everything he said. Seriously. Everything. I have never seen anyone try to hard to avoid EVERYTHING the way he did. He couldn't address anything!
And that he is so defensive of her. And she could do no wrong. And all the crap she has pulled on him over the past couple of months... just that I know about... total denial. Robot. Brainwashed. Unreal.
OK...vent over. Smiling now! (Although my insides are still a lil bit on fire.)
The thing is, I was in my car and she was in the doorway of the store. I wasn't even near her. I was leaving and yelled out to her as she was going in.
She parked behind me and headed into the store as I was pulling out. By the time I got around, she was heading in. I beeped and yelled it.
