Glad to see things are going to a place we all want.
I too have had issues with the "flashbacks" and like you was maybe a bit taken back at how powerful they can come at you .. and without warning.
I kept some notes here and there and RobX had a post with an approach that always struck me. The basic concept was "If I have to check up on you and make sure you are being honest that will not work for me because its not what I need or want" ... I read that long before I even had a chance at getting W to the R table. But now its in the back of my mind, she has told me its over, unlike other times she has been open to answer any questions I may have, I have not checked her phone because she appears to be done with that, and more focused on the M, and trying to reconnect.
I think its all to easy to use the A as the all time trump card .... "Cali can you take out the trash" ... "No, because you had an A" ... sounds crazy but I think sometimes in our minds its easy to go there and live there. I do not want to beat up W over the A, she can not unthrow that rock, all we can do at this point is look forward, learn from the mistakes we made and hopefully with Gods grace create a much better, happier, healthier marriage. Its best to focus on that ... than the past and the hurt and pain ... not easy mind you ... but much more beneficial.
My mind just won't stop. Forgiveness is something I am struggling with. I love him but the harsh reality is I don't know how to let go of the hurt.
Originally Posted By: Jefe
Thank you Toots.
Twin, in the first 30 days I did poorly with the "flashbacks". I underestimated how they would come on and how they would trigger. Then my wife said something that at first angered me a little then I got to thinking about it and she was basically right. She said: "You either trust me or you don't. There is little I can do to change your mind either way." Now, here's the thing with that statement, what she meant was that if I've made up my mind that she's still doing those things then that's all I'll be able to see.
The way I deal with it now is this:
1) I have forgiven her. I don't get to rehash it or beat her up over it anymore. Every time I get jittery about some feeling that is in my head, that's my problem to deal with. I have complete transparency and intel so if there is a new problem (and there is none) then we can deal with the new problem. But it must start with me giving her the benefit of the doubt. No one can live under a microscope of negativity so me continually looking for a problem is problematic in of itself.
She's still the same flawed and broken individual I married (I am too!) and I have to accept her for how she is.
2) When these "flashbacks" or mental images of situations (perceived mind you, because I wasn't there and really don't know) come about I have the choice then and there to get on that train and entertain that thought or I can simply allow that train to pass the station and find a more pleasant and much safer train to board. This is very hard and I practice it daily but it gets easier as time goes by. I suspect there will always be triggers but I hope to get them down to once a year or less.
Seems funny you asking me how I deal with my thought patterns when just a short 6 months ago you were trying to help me keep my mind focused somewhere else.
How are things in your world, Twin?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Jefe, so happy to hear you are doing well. A true success story.
I think we all struggle with forgiveness and trust. If I had a new R, I'd trust him until he gave me a reason not to. Truth is, a new guy isn't any more or less trustworthy than H, I just don't know much about his past. So I should give H the same level of trust, it's just a lot harder. (And that all assumes a R with H, which isn't on the horizon. It's just a thought I have.)