I have avoided here not out of shame but perhaps my actions did not fit DB'ing in my own mind or I did not like the turn it took or perhaps it just didn't feel right at the time but... I have returned if nothing other than to not be that guy/girl that comes on here and posts 123 times and then drops off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again.
Shortly after my last post in early March, I filed for divorce. The actions in that time period on my wife's behalf were no longer of a safe IMO nature for our child as she was falling apart and it was beginning to truly affect our child and I was no longer willing to "let it ride" in hopes of change. I served her divorce papers and took her to court for temporary custody of D6. Fast forward 60 days, and my wife is now no longer with OP for the last 3ish weeks, she is now on an anti-depressant for the last 3 weeks, she is now going to counseling twice a week for the last 3 weeks by herself and she is beginning to learn to communicate again. We are all still in the same home but I am moving out at the end of May for a 1-3 month trial period as my wife has requested I postpone moving forward with the divorce to allow us the opportunity to re-consider staying married. She would like a # of weeks or few months alone because in her words "I want to live on my own for a little while and learn to love myself again, recover from the loss of my affair, learn to be an adult for the first time in my life, prove to myself that I can actually keep my own home clean for a while so that I can in turn treasure the help of you and then begin to go to joint counseling sessions, begin dating and possibly return to the marriage." Her honestly and telling me of her needs in the last few days have been the most special and mind blowing experience of my life. My wife's years of depression I guess prevented her from making even the simplist of decisions and hearing her state her needs and that she needs to put herself first so she can then have a chance to put herself into the marriage as a better woman, the woman I deserve as she said, is... well, lets just say that I am grateful.
I would rather have a chance with a woman that wants to be a better person than she currently is vs. maintaining the status quo which did not work for either of us or vs. simply getting divorced. She was even the one to innitiate the conversation including asking to put the divorce on hold. I have a lot of personal work to do in learning not to be the enabler in a relationship, and not to be controlling of much of life. I will spend this time getting to know myself and hopefully my wife in a new and lovely light.
A sincere thank you to all of you in recent months. You helped me not only better understand infidelity at it's core but gave me wise advice throughout. I am eternally grateful.
4mendmj
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
Hi 4m. I'm pleased to read that your W seems to have emerged from the fog somewhat. It is positive that she is taking some responsibility for her own wellbeing and recognises that she needs some help. Not relying on someone else (OP) for that is a positive step forward.
That said, it sounds like really early days and it's best to keep your own expectations very low. We all know how difficult it can be to face your own problems, and how easy, addictive the OP can be....so there may be some backsliding yet....Equally, it doesn't sound as though your W has got to the stage where she wants to recommit to the M. It sounds as though this is more about digging herself out of the black hole in order that she can decide what to do. And that takes space and time I think.
Still, it's a positive direction that things have taken. If you keep your focus mainly on you and your own life, and keep DBing and being the dad you want to be, things are going to turn out well whichever way.
Keep posting and take care :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
