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Hope- I LOVE hearing from you! You have a succinct way of putting things and it makes me feel good. You have amazing perspective and insight. Thank you for sharing it with me.
uR- Hey, babe! Do you feel like you are on a merry-go-round with me? I swear, I really have been better! Sun and Mon really threw me for a loop. More that I anticipated.
Today was a little better. However, I noticed I had an email in my junk folder at work. I knew what that meant. It was from xh. I had blocked him in the fall after he sent that crazy email to s18 and cc'd me on my work email. Anyway, it actually diverts to my junk folder.
He just had some dumb question about s18's class. And, since he has been emailing the teacher, I'm not sure why he didn't just ask him. Especially since it was from an email from the teacher! Whatever. It was lame. But it did come yesterday, and I considered it a blessing that I didn't notice it until today. I was in a much stronger place today than yesterday, and it would have thrown me more off kilter than I already was.
Been bombarded with $ things. One thing after another. I am pretending it's not an issue and trying to grin and bear it. Hopefully everything will pan out. Working another job this summer, so trying to make it till then. But I actually have that $ earmarked for other things... but... I'm... still... grinning...
uR... it's funny, this morning as I was getting ready for work, I kept focusing on acceptance. And how it's really the key to everything. Then later, you post that to me. So... obviously...
I mean, I believe I am in such a better place bc of it. I believe I had accepted things, for the most part, prior to round 2. But, I guess, knowing things I know now, it makes it a little more difficult. However, I need to focus on other things I know. Like- he went back. It was a choice he made. And that's that. Still struggling with the baby thing. But, I need to work through it.
I am trying to work through all parts. I have no intention of staying in any of these places. I don't like them. I just want peace and happiness.
I notice, as I work my way back, that it's like these demons.. they come out of nowhere. I have to fight them off. It's a horrible feeling. These dark shadows of truth... and lies, for that matter. But, I have to take power over them. Accept the truth for what it is. Accept the lies are... and that in the end, I have no control of it. By accepting it, I can take control over it.
I'm getting there. But here is an example. For the most part, I am letting go of the thoughts of hww. For awhile, I thought about how I just wanted her truth to be know. Since I have to live in this town and she can walk around with this "family"... blah, blah... you know. But, I have been getting to the point where I don't care and can live with it being. Having faith that she will suffer the consequences of her actions... and not through me. But then, I thought I saw her in my neighborhood today. Driving past me on my way home. I was carpooling. It did stay in the corner of my mind... if I knew that was her, I'd get out of this car.... I won't continue. But, I'm just saying... there is something still there. And that's why I hate the thought of running into her.
But, like I said... I am getting over it. I can tell. It's just an uphill battle.
"I notice, as I work my way back, that it's like these demons.. they come out of nowhere. I have to fight them off. It's a horrible feeling. These dark shadows of truth... and lies, for that matter. But, I have to take power over them. Accept the truth for what it is. Accept the lies are... and that in the end, I have no control of it. By accepting it, I can take control over it. "
Mighty ... I fight ^^^^ alot too ... just when you think you have dealt with them .. they come back .. sizes and intensity change but they definitely are there.... alive and well ... even when you thought you had them all out of your space.
I have always kept up with your sitch ... I laughed today as my post count went 4 flippin digits long.... I obviously intended to join this site, have you all fix my wife (because I was perfect) and be long gone in under 100 posts .... not how it works eh?
I have read enough of you to know ..... your H and the hww take up a good deal of your head space, with all that happened, I think I would have been wearing a fancy white jacket that tied in the back at this point. You talked of acceptance, yeah .. what choice do we have really, no one can explain the MLC and why they do what they do, all we can do is accept they are broken, accept that we can do nothing about it.
Your H is a fool, a broken fool, the email ... I think its just another thing, in his mind he wants you right where he left you, and maybe you are still right there ya know? Mighty I say this with love in my heart, go ... live. H and hww do not deserve the head space you have given them, I know its tough, I know it is, and I know it stings ... always will I imagine .. its not fair this thing, regardless of the outcome. I am sitting here thinking .... wow .. years wasted, nothing will ever be the same, I will never be the same ... but ya know what .. I will be stronger .. so will you, and I have no doubt at some point you will find one who will not have taken you for granted, someone YOU can lean on and know they will be there .. might not be your H ... but he had his chance, you gave him plenty of time and chances .. he has chose a lesser option .. door #3. You are the prize Mighty, you know that ... you can walk proud.
Cali, wow, wow, wow. Thank you. Ya know... I am trying so hard to go out and live. I just can't seem to get it right. I think I need a steadier pace. I am great when I gal... but tend to crash hard. Makes the emptiness echo. Seem magnified.
Maybe bc I'm a people person... being back in "society" is great for me... but then back to my reality is crushing. Before, I was in a cocoon... of denial, depression, whatever it was.
I say this, not in a downer way, but I guess just bc I'm finding my way. I realize that my life is totally different. In every way. Sometimes I am much more excited about it than others.
As far as them in my head space... I think its much, much less. I went through a period of keeping them off my mental grid. Yet, I guess, things can trigger it. Mother's Day, for example. That was one, for sure.
Currently, I think I am coming to a major point of frustration. Things are so overwhelming with my house at this point. I have some major decisions to make, along with some serious thousands to cough up... from where... I don't know. That is yet to be determined. And, the choices I make now will have to reflect choices for my future. And with everything so uncertain and unstable, I am feeling totally stressed.
I had a major vent about it today. Caught me off guard, but I think I let out a lot of things that... I hadn't formally illustrated in words. Or in my mind. Then, I slept for five minutes, got in the shower, and had a good cry.
I feel better.
My mom, the master of patience, acknowledge to me the other day, "You have had a lot of patience," regarding the home additions. My response, "Well, I think they've officially run out."
Maybe this is a good thing? Me.. miss confrontational... has been so passive about things for the last 2 yrs...
This is now going on three years living like this.
However, just got a text from contractor- coming tomorrow!!! Yes!
Now, on top of my Mother's Day set-back, stress from things going on with the house, there is also a lot going on with the kids, including s18's graduation, prom, and all that stuff. D14 & I are going on a trip in a couple of weeks.
And I got like 3 or 4 more emails from xh today. Just crap about s18.
Also, d14 has plans with him this weekend. They are going to the second most haunted place in the US. It goes late at night until like wee-early hours of the morning. I can't believe he is taking her.
Is it weird to say that it scares me to think what may attach themselves to him right now... and with my d there.. yikes.
Maybe I will send her with a rosary!
I wish they would do something different, but I am... staying out of it. What's even weirder... d14 is taking a friend (not a friend I'm a huge fan of... xh does not know her) and her dad said he wanted to go. So xh is taking him too! That is so not his style! But, if I can say anything, at least he is willing to do whatever to do something with her. Even if last time he was in a rush to get rid of her to "hurry home." Whatever.
It has been messing with me a little, if I'm honest. That head space thing... well... what the thoughts are in my head, anyway. I'm not even going to get into it. Not worth the finger use, either.
So- keep it real. That's the best thing I can to. And I realized last night, as my kids and I were at dinner and joking around, THAT's what makes me walk proud. Them.
I'm about to snap. Xh is out of control w these emails. I know he is just trying to get any attention from me. Trying tigger a response and he is grasping at straws. I have been working daily w s18 to ensure everything is taken care of for school.
I have also had daily communication w his teacher. The teacher also keeps xh updated, which is fine. Xh cc'd me on the emails and it's so annoying! I already know what's going on. It's like he thinks he is the one handeling everything by emailing me.
Teacher sent a good report to both of us, but always sends separate msg. Xh replies and ccs me with, "that's great!" Blah blah. I worked w s18 on it last nigh so I knew, but was glad to hear from his teacher.
I may sound like a b. but I feel like he thinks he is the reason, that I'm not doing my job as a parent... Whatev. And honestly. To see him write such a happy response like everything is great- pisses me off.
Besides the part where you are awesome and if there is any *snapping* to be done, it would be a group of us here going out to find your x and....hehe jk
Yeah, those kinds of emails can sure jab at our maternal defenses.... I see you're recognizing it's bs, tho. So now that you do, what's the next thing??
(megaphone voice) "Attention: Please step away from the nonsense."
Here's what you know (and so do we ): 1. You're a fantastic mama 2. You have the school stuff under control, all on your own 3. You don't need xh permission or his input for anything
So, who cares what xh thinks about you and your parenting, whether he believes he's handling things, etc? Although you are probably correct that he is trying to get attention, along with hundreds of other possibilities because he can't figure out how to get happy... who cares. You know your truth. Your kids are doing great.
That's all that matters, M. That's really it.
When I'm about to snap, it helps me to make a list of the things I can control, and the things I can't.
If you go through your last 2 posts, what would your list look like?
Dreaded going to d14 game today. I'm in parking lot now... Just ended.
I don't feel bad about myself seeing him.! I just can't stand seeing him.
And I did. I haven't in months, outside from my house... He was far away and I just said, "go away."
It is just so hard seeing him. One of the hardest things ever. Realizing... This guy... Has a "family." I just can't.... I don't know what. I have no choice but to accept it. But seeing him, knowing that. He is going home to that. It is soooo hard.
I saw him, of course, felt all that ^^^. But then I tried to re-calibrate. It kind of worked. I took a second to look at him again (he didn't see) and I just thought, "what a piece of $hit." That's all I could think.
Then, when I was leaving, I had to walk past him. That was fine, but I just kept thinking- I. Hate. Him.
This sounds so immature; I'm aware. Empathy and all that... Blah blah blah...
I hate everything he had done.
Now, all these f'ing emails... I walked right past him with no one around. If he really had something to say, he could have tried, at least, to address me. I walked right past.... No one would have heard anything.
Didn't even look. He saw... But wouldn't look.
Am I being tough? I think I've given a lot of slack. Much more than deserved.
I mean, yeah, I'm getting to a better place. I really am. I'm moving on and realizing- accepting- my future is no longer with him.
But I don't know that I will ever recover from .... Him. Like... Dealing with him. I just don't see how I can get over.... Some things.
I want to clarify- I don't mean get hung up on this, stay in this place, become bitter... Not that at all. I know that won't happen. I mean- I don't think I can get to that place... That depth of true damage. The heart of it all. I just don't know how. I want to. I don't think it's possible.
And for everyone to act like it's ok. Like it's not a big deal. That this major catastrophe has occurred inside me and my kids. Without thought, consideration, care, or concern. It just so awful... I don't need my ego massaged or anything... I just don't know how people could do that.
Ok. I think I'm done for now. D14 called my phone and said xh is taking her home. So..... I'm parked near water waiting for time to pass so I don't have to see him at my house. They may go somewhere first... So I'll wait awhile.
I also want to clarify... When I say peoe don't care- I do t think I'm a victim. Not like that. I mean... THEM... And family/friends who celebrate like this is happy and exciting. Without acknowledging what those two did to my kids and that they are treated like second class citizens... Still dealing with the literal and figurative disaster that remains. While they start anew...
Mighty, getting to a place of acceptance takes time. It just does. And the truth of it is that we can never fully understand it because we havent been in crisis. It makes no sense. It is beyond comprehension.
When I realized that, it also helped me to accept it. I had to let go of trying to get my mind around craziness because I wasnt crazy. There was no way I could ever get it. None.
So, to continue to try to understand it, was an effort in futility. It just wasnt ever going to happen.
Now I could have continued to go round and round.. how could he do that, how could he say that, how could he hurt his only child, how could he have taken every cent from me, etc...but that wouldnt get me anywhere.
So I chose to accept what was. I didnt have to like it or understand it, I just had to accept that he went crazy when he went into crisis.
I remember I would think that there are just some things in the world that didnt make sense...like a child dying or a mother killing her children. I couldnt get my mind around those things either.
And while this is a horrific thing to have happen, it certainly wasnt anywhere near as terrible as those things.
People dont get this, M. Heck, I have been around it for years, up close to many MLCs and I still dont fully understand it.
You have to make a choice, every single day, to let go of the need to understand it. You have to make a choice, every day to try to let go. Some days you make it, some you dont. Until there are more days that you do.
You are giving him so much power, Mighty. Power he doesnt deserve. Power that is better served for you.
I want you to do something for me. The next time you have to see him, think of this as you walk by him with your head held high and with attitude..."I did nothing to be ashamed of. I am worthy. He cannot take anymore from me. I wont allow it." And then walk by with a flip of your hair. Show him strength even if you arent feeling it yet. Show him that he did not break you..because he didnt.
Remember all you have survived, Mighty. Dont give him one bit more. He isnt worthy of it.
And if you dont want to get those emails, write him one that says so. "I am aware of what is transpiring in school with our son. There is no need for you to send me emails regarding it."
Your son is now 18. That was when I told my xh that unless it was something catastophic, I would no longer be keepimg him in the loop about our son as he is an adult. If he wanted information, he can ask our son. Not to be a b*tch at all, just because my xh made the choice to not be involved so then he needed to live that choice. He couldnt have it both ways and I wasnt responsible for their relationship or lack thereof. Not my problem.
M, you will get to acceptance one day. You will. You have to help yourself get there in whatever way you need to.
Take back your power, sweetie. Start to build a life of peace and be open to all the possibilities.