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A Message from Michele
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Re: Lost & confused [Re: Train] #2562591
04/30/15 01:29 AM
04/30/15 01:29 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline
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UpperCu  Offline
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Posts: 177
Welcome to the board. Sorry you're here :-/

What are your boundaries? Find the answer to: "If I will take H back, ___________ has to happen."

Don't answer every phone call and don't make yourself available to him at every moment. His actions are destroying your marriage and flowers and calls aren't going to instantly heal you. Remember, you need time to yourself to rebuild your identity that he just shattered.

Your reaction and disgust seem extremely healthy and mature to me. I wish I handled myself more like you are handling this before my W blew up our marriage 8 months ago.

Get out of your house, go do something for you, take a beach day or something.

If you're like i was, you are reading advice and blogs about your sitch 24/7. You will need to work hard in the coming weeks to redirect the obsessive focus on your sitch into getting a life for yourself. Your H cannot be the sole person to support you through this. He has a LOT to deal with and you need others who will help you through this. Rely on this board and build your network of close friends NOW who support your efforts to save your marriage and keep your sanity.

Also, read Divorce Remedy. Seems cheesy with the whole 7 step thing, but there is great insight into the reality of what you're facing. It was helpful to me to read to realize how awful and destructive divorce really is and to understand my own emotions and feelings.

Hang in there.

Praying for you.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Lost & confused [Re: UpperCu] #2562604
04/30/15 02:05 AM
04/30/15 02:05 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
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Clairee Offline OP
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Clairee  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
Thanks for your advice UpperCut. The first few days reading blogs & such was all I did & I quickly realized it was just giving me a headache. I don't sit around all day, in the 18 years we've been together he has deployed many, many times & having your own life outside of him is essential to surviving months of separation. So I have my own things going on & normally a great support system. But I don't involve my friends in my marriage because I don't want to taint the friendships & cause bad feelings against him when my goal is to make this work. Instead, I turn to my IC & fortunately found this board. He calls often, all day for the most part, sometimes I have time to talk & other times I'm busy. I have 3 kids, 2 dogs & all the responsibilities that come with being the only parent at home. I have volunteer work & just registered for school again after deciding on a change in career paths. I keep busy, I always have. It's the nights when everything is quiet that are the hardest. Alone with my thoughts. I don't feel the anger like I did, but the hurt is still very much on the surface.

Tweets


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Re: Lost & confused [Re: Clairee] #2562901
04/30/15 08:20 PM
04/30/15 08:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
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Clairee Offline OP
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Clairee  Offline OP
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Posts: 95
A quick check in, I have IC in an hour. Last night was a rough night for me. D13 had figure skating classes & while I was waiting H called. We talked briefly as I just wasn't in a good place. This upcoming trip has me all over the place. Nervous, anxious & quite honestly scared. It will be the first time I've seen him since the call. H told me I sound like I'm giving up. I remembered reading something in the newcomers forum about the ups & downs, so I texted it to him. This morning he called to thank me for sending it, it helped him understand this isn't like anything else & has no real phases but it's s roller coaster with ups, downs, twists & curves. We or I should say I was able to finally have him hear me about this trip. The city has negatives attached to it for me & that ties me in knots. The last trip I made has been tainted with negativity because of the reveal. He says where he is wasn't part of the A. I explained a restaurant building wouldn't have been a contributing factor either, but I wouldn't want to dine there if I knew he had with OW. That the hotel itself wasn't to blame, but I still wouldn't stay in it after this. I think he finally understood that while all these physical locations weren't reasons or catalysts, they represent everything that happened within them.

Well, need to change clothes quick & off to IC then grocery shopping, post office & to find D12 new shoes. She needs to stop growing lol!

Hope everyone is having s good day. And I thank each & everyone of you for your words of advice & support. I'm realizing more & more, life is what you make it no matter what obstacles are in your way. Today I'm making it a shave ice with ice cream kind of day!


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Re: Lost & confused [Re: Clairee] #2563028
05/01/15 03:11 AM
05/01/15 03:11 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline
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UpperCu  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
Hey - glad to hear you have a positive mental attitude (PMA). It will go up and down sharply for the first few weeks and slowly become more mild over the next several months. Space is probably feeling like a blessing and a curse for you. Trust me, being around your spouse too much right now can be harmful. Take this time before you see him again to work on yourself, and it sounds like you know that, but really you should be looking at your life for changes to be made. Learn every lesson this situation and pain is teaching you.

What are your plans for the weekend? PLAN AHEAD so you're not left alone with your thoughts right now. You do need people to carry you through this. The Lone Ranger thing doesn't work.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Lost & confused [Re: UpperCu] #2563057
05/01/15 04:00 AM
05/01/15 04:00 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
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Clairee Offline OP
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Clairee  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
Thanks UC for the advice. The distance is both blessing & curse. Its giving me the time I need to sort out my feelings & focus on my changes without feeling pressure. But it's also difficult because I can't see H's reactions, changes or body language when he's talking. I know I need to change my interaction with H. In the past, I ignored his feelings & never took them into consideration much. Which is exactly how my parents marriage is & I see that now. I never talked if I was bothered by something. Bottle it up, then blow up later. So I'm working on being a better partner by being a better person. I have been suffocating under my own self inflicted image issues, so I've started working out again which is something I have put off far too long. I'm not s big fan of exercise but it has been giving me an outlet for my frustrations and anxieties.

No big plans for the weekend. Probably a beach day Saturday & shopping/lunch with a girlfriend Sunday.

I know I shouldn't do the Lone Ranger thing, but I'm very much aware of how my friends react to certain things & if the words lie, cheat or affair come out of my mouth they will all call him & give it to him & hold it against him forever. All of my close friends who I would confide in are Hawaiian/Asian women & I've seen how they behave when it comes to this when one of our other friends told them her H was messing around with someone. They were relentless & harsh. I don't want that for any of us.

I had a really good session today with IC. Helped me realize everything I feel is normal & won't last forever. We talked a lot about forgiveness & how that can happen & how she had confidence that I would get there with the right actions & tools. That gave me a sense of peace & hope which I've been lacking. We talked of the long road & that while this initial phase is hard, putting it back together will be harder, longer & more emotional.

H called later to tell me there were issues with the bike starter. Ended up costing more than anticipated to fix. He had made plans for us to take a full day winery tour while I was there & I nixed that because of the extra costs to fix the bike. I felt a surge of anger when he told me because I knew we couldn't spend another $600 on the bike & do such an expensive day tour. For years I've harbored feelings of his selfishness. I give up something so he can have something instead. This has eaten at me for years & I never said anything. I just swallowed it, stewed on it & found ways to punish him. This time when I felt it, instead of bottling it up I walked around the block, calmed myself down & then talked to him about it. Acknowledging this is different because it's a repair that had to be done & not just some toy he wanted & I shouldn't have instantly jumped to that feeling. He apologized it made me feel that way & wished I had said things before. He said he always felt bad I did that, but never said anything because he assumed I was really ok with it all. Funny how that whole communication thing bites you in the okole when you fail to use it.

Overall not a bad day. I didn't get my shave ice but the kids & I got ice cream after school together & sat at the park eating it & just enjoying a beautiful day.

Tweets


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Re: Lost & confused [Re: Clairee] #2563564
05/02/15 07:49 PM
05/02/15 07:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline
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UpperCu  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
How are you doing today Tweets?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Lost & confused [Re: UpperCu] #2563589
05/02/15 09:12 PM
05/02/15 09:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
C
Clairee Offline OP
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Clairee  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
Having a good day so far. Thanks for checking up on me! Lots of running around to do later then meeting with my sister from another mister for dinner & drinks. H emailed me yesterday out of nowhere. It had to be the most real thing he's ever said. This is jpart of it...

I talk to other women hoping that the conversations will help
to take my mind off of the [censored] that is going on. Almost every single
thing I have done since November has been an attempt to take my mind off
of things. An attempt to fill the hole in the center of me that your
absence leaves.

Also understand that, in the past, I have blamed you for my behavior. You
didnšt pay attention to me so it was OK if I was talking to someone else.
How could you really get mad, when the only reason Išm doing it is to make
up for what you arenšt giving me? I never thought you would actually
leave, cause it was really your fault all along. I didnšt feel guilty
because, again, it was your fault.

The reality is very different. Yes, there have been times that you have
not treated me as well as you should have. That does NOT justify anything
I have done. I simply used you as my excuse so that I didnšt realize how
ugly I have become inside. I have begun to understand just how wrong I have been.

There was a lot more. About 5 pages worth. H has never NEVER talked about his feelings. I didn't even know how to respond. I texted' him to tell him I got it & thanked him for it & appreciated him being so real & honest & that it gave me so much to think about. I suggested he share it with his IC. I didn't know what else to say. He called this morning to talk the bike & his plans for the day. Very light conversation. I'm being cautiously optimistic. I have a long way to go. I get the concept of forgiving, it's the execution that's elusive.

In the meantime, I'm GAL, focusing on what I can change in me, focusing on what I want my future to be with a new career & new possibilities. I am working to regain my own value & worth. And I'm hoping he means everything & it isn't just words/cheaper to keep her games. Time will tell I suppose.

How are you UC? Hope your week/weekend is good.


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Re: Lost & confused [Re: Clairee] #2564647
05/05/15 08:06 PM
05/05/15 08:06 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline
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UpperCu  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
Wow. My jaw just dropped to the floor reading that. If my W said all that I wouldn't have a clue what to say either!

You're on the right track with GALing for yourself. Sounds like he is going through a lot of internal growing pains, but he has to figure that out for himself. And I'm sure he will. Be patient and give him time. DBing can be two steps forward, one step back sometimes. Observe, but don't obsess over what he says. Trust, but verify.

When do you see him next?

I'm doing well, my W has been on my heart and mind a lot this past week. Just been praying for her, but haven't had any interaction with her in over a month. My life has been crazy busy too. My GAL has gotten out of control... Lol. Today I had canceled lunch plans with some friends to meet up with another guy. While I was at lunch a third person was trying to meet up for lunch too. God has provided many people and activities for me to keep me occupied and moving forward!

Hope you're doing well!


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Lost & confused [Re: UpperCu] #2564660
05/05/15 08:44 PM
05/05/15 08:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
C
Clairee Offline OP
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Clairee  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
Keeping busy is the only thing that keeps me sane. Sounds like you on the go go go too. It helps for sure. I get you on the jaw dropping. I read the email at least 3 times because it was unexpected & so real. H has never said anything even close to this before. He has a lot of work to do on himself before I'm really ready to move too far ahead. Right now, I stay busy & when we talk I keep it very light & cheerful. He's struggling so I try to validate where I can & offer positive reinforcements. Making sure I thank him when he does or says something, letting him know I see his efforts & appreciate his willingness to work on things, but at the same time keeping some distance to not get pulled back only to have him quit.

I will see him in 9 days. I'm nervous as all get out about it. So I'm trying to do things to keep my mind off it. It'll be 10 weeks since I've seen him & 5 weeks since the BD.

Good to hear you're doing well & staying busy too. It really does help. Hopefully things will continue on the positive path for you. I believe God has a plan for ech of us & reveals it as we need to know. Staying focused on my own healing keeps me grounded & moving forward. Whether my H changes or not, I know I will come out of this dark place as a better person & understanding myself better. I pray H is sincere & fully committed to the changes he needs, not for me or our M but for himself. I know he's a good person & somewhere inside him is the man he is suppose to be & I believe wants to be. He just has to find it. I can't do it for him.

Tweets


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Re: Lost & confused [Re: Clairee] #2566381
05/10/15 10:39 PM
05/10/15 10:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline
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UpperCu  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
How's it going tweets?


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
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