A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2562847 04/30/15 05:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Here's a link to my last thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2562830&page=1

Tiny recap. BD1 (EA) March '14. BD2 and S (PA) July '14. Not sure about A status (always been rocky) but H wants a D (April '15)

So, H emailed me today. I'll paraphrase, but this is very much as he wrote it:

*The house is ready to list. Am I happy for him to contact agents now?
*He's sorry to have been slow in thinking and making decisions.
*He needs to make a fundamental decision about how the rest of his life will be.
*Decisions about the future are just impossible for him to make.

*When he thinks about what he wants, he'd like the chance to have children and a family.
*Being a weekend Dad is good. But he feels he should have been part of something bigger.
*He wants to just live in one place, go to school plays and sports lessons

*Because of this he feels our financial settlement should include divorce.
*He loves me. I am beautiful, and the best person to be married to.
*He just can't seem to grow old without trying to have a family one more time.
*He's very sorry.

Just a recap on our history. We met when I was 36 and got engaged/moved in together when I was 39. At that point, we decided to stop using protection and 'see what happened.' We were also bringing up SS part time. SS was 7 then. I never did become pregnant and actually had an early menopause. H never seemed unhappy about this, and I always thought our little family was enough for both of us.

I just don't really get it. Things with OW are rocky. Is she going to bear his kids. Or is he just going to start from scratch to find someone else at age 45? She'll have to be much younger. And want kids, and be fertile. And happy to become a third wife after his second M ended from infidelity. It's almost like a king desperate for an heir. Is it me, or is it all a bit of a pipe dream?

I feel our M is suffering now as a result of H's former M ending and him being a part time Dad. He feels he's missed out on the full family experience.

I have been reading Men in Midlife Crisis again. In this, the replay stage is called 'one more time.' One more time with one more woman. One more time with his kids when they were only children. Another shot at the young married life. I'm in midlife, but this is a last grasping attempt to turn back the pages of time. If a man feels he has not really experienced what he wants in life, there will be a great urgency to regress. If faced with a choice between the marriage and 'one more time' the marriage will always lose.

Any thoughts. I'm feeling okay, but I'll need to respond at some point. I think it may be best to keep it brief. He already knows I love him and D isn't what I want.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Toots

I have not fully read your sitch ... but ^^^^^ all screams MLC to me, I am probably towards the back end from the signs and let me tell you , its been a rough 4-5 years. Thing is the logic, what guy at 45 would want to start all over again, and lets just say for the sake of argument this is what he needs ... we are not talking a puppy here, is he really going to go to a HS graduation for his son at 64? ... WOW Other thing is .. ok, you really feel you have to have a child and be a FT parent, adoption is an alternative.

My wife did similar, she wanted more kids, we started late, had a miscarriage then turned around and had S, tough pregnancy and an emergency C section ... yet she still wants more kids but was blaming me for the fact she felt she could not have them.

All you can really do, just as DB'rs in common situations do, validate, he knows you do not want a D, but you also have to make sure he knows that once the D is final so is the friendship, they must feel the loss somewhere .... inbetween all the fantasy thoughts about how life will be so wonderful because its only the M that is holding them back ... *rollseyes*

I will see if I can catch up on your sitch but yeah .. sounds like a bit of a MLC thing on the surface.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Toots,

First of all, I'm sorry. I know you were somewhat expecting his decision - but it is still a gut punch to see it in black and white.

Is he in the replay phase of MLC? Or is this just the most ennobling sounding justification he can convince himself of? Either way - it's really a way of seeking something external to make him happy.

There are men who start families late in life and do well. However, I suspect they are ones who have thoroughly done with youthful living and are content as opposed to ones who are looking for a "redo".

It sounds very much like he is still working through his problems. It's tough but do your best to focus on your new job and the many wonderful parts of your life.

And yes - a brief reply that deals primarily with practical matters would probably be best.

Hugs to you, Toots!


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi Toots sorry. That was unexpected for how he had sounded in his previous messages However his reasoning is not really sound. I won't dwell but I would say that now you have an answer you can make a few decisions of your own.

Toots , you are well aware that I am a huge fan and your H is a complete fool

Take your time and let your thoughts settle Toots is going to be more than ok she is going to be great. This is a setback on Toots road but nothing you can't deal with

i like to think we are friends and I wish I could be there for you in person but that's not on the cards so know that I'm here in the virtual world any time. You sound strong but it must have been tough to read. Take care and stay strong Rd. Xxxxx

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Cali, thanks for stopping by. I often have a look at your sitch in MLC - and think you do a great job. I'm all ears if you have any further advice...

Raliced, thanks so much. I always think you are so grounded, and I appreciate your wisdom.

RD - Thanks - yes it wasn't easy to read. In a way, the hardest was to be told I love you, you are beautiful and the best to be marrried to - oh, but barren - so I'm divorcing you. It's like he chose the one thing there's no disputing.

Now I think of it. In these emails I snooped at. There was some mention of both him and POW2 in the US being broody. And then he's flirting with her. But she's thousands of miles away - and no spring chicken either. Unless she's younger than she looks.

Oh well, I won't respond tonight. I'm also not sure about whether to agree to listing the house. What if someone rushes in with an offer before he has even filed and we're miles off being sorted?

Thanks for the support xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Oh, Toots. That must have been so hard to read.

Your H sounds very adrift. Did he ever communicate the "wanting more kids" thing to you before or did that come out of left field? As I understood, your H doesn't have the greatest relationship with his S. Is that correct? If only he could read Jim's, Edz' and so many other threads here and see how much fulfilment comes from improving a father's relationship with his kids. No new kids needed!

Toots, this is not about you. This is very much about H. I hope you can see that.

I think you need to do what is best for you. Given your concerns re listing the house and not having things sorted and the 2 year rule in the UK, maybe you filing is an option after all? I know that isn't what I would want to hear if I just heard something similar from my H, but you do often discuss your financial position and I wonder if you would feel "safer" taking things into your own hands. Hard to see H being proactive in his current state?

((((Toots))))

Last edited by gan; 04/30/15 10:07 PM. Reason: added hugs!

H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Toots.

As far as advice .. I need to read up on you, I follow read alot .. sometimes as you can imagine it feels like the same story, different characters with a few different plot twists. I do think there is a difference when dealing with a true MLCr vs a WAS, but there are some tools across the board similarities that can be used and implemented regardless.

So one of those things that may help regardless would be how your H feels and how you address/don't address this. I think the only thing you can do is validate and you need to remove yourself as the reason. I know my W used me for everything that was wrong, much easier to do that than look at ones self ... I was guilty of this too. So its about removing pressure, own your stuff but let him have his... he is sharing how he feels with you, this is good, you gain information. You can use this .. the STFU tactic is deadly as you gain all sorts of knowledge.

For me it was like you put it. "I do not want a D, sorry you feel that way." Short and simple non threatening responses. Let him talk it out, do not put pressure on him, at some point he has to see you are going to be just dandy regardless.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
E
edz Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
Evening toots. Sorry your day went this way, I of course agree with gans comment. Seems very mlc to my limited knowledge but I want you to know I'm sending you as many positive thoughts as I can (((((Toots)))))
Edz


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
E
edz Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
Just caught the previous thread toots hearty congrats on the job smile


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Toooootttsss smile smile smile

Congratulations on the job. That's fantastic news and it wasn't a sure thing so you did brilliantly. Starting Tuesday? I take it you're excited?

It's really good news

As for your H, well he responded - that's a start. Who knows whether its an MLC or something else, what matters is that you get to decide what you want to do now.

You don't need to decide straight away and you can let it just sit for a while (and observe your feelings).

When you are ready to you can take steps to progress the things you want to and protect your interests as you see fit.

Congrats on the job and sorry about your idiot H.

((((Toots))))


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004