Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Hey Barry,

This is from two weeks ago but it keeps bugging me.

Originally Posted By: Barry
I respectfully dissagree Mozza when you say that I've not been MADE to feel like this. I understand your point in that it's my reaction to it that's the issue but I wouldn't be in the position to make any kind of reaction if W wasn't doing it!!!

It's a trigger, but the reaction is still yours. Of course, I would expect your reaction to be negative, but the extent of it is yours, it's under your control. You can't blame her for that.

Imagine someone made a dent in your new car. You see it, you throw a fit, you get angry, you tell everyone how drivers are assholes, you still talk about the dent a week and a month later, every time you pass by your car, your blood boils. So, is it the fault of the guy who made the dent that you're so angry?

I'm not trying to guilt you for your reaction. In fact, I'm pretty extreme myself. I'm just trying to make you more aware that you have more control over it than you realize. If you're like me, you may even think deep down that the intensity of your reaction proves that she's wrong. We know it doesn't.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
Hi all.

Just a very quick post to say I'm still around, but have been too busy to update anything or catch up on other sitch's.
Had a good week with lots of GAL activities (will update better when I can), but the main thing to tell you is that today is D-day for me.

I'm filing today.

Take care, Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
So it's started.

I thought I was going to struggle with filing to be honest, and was absolutely dreading it up until a week ago.
I haven't been being strong enough up to now..I know that myself and as most of you know too, I've had emotional outbursts every few weeks which have left me feeling utterly drained. I feel different now....better.

I treated it like an unpleasant but necessary business transaction in the end, and do you know what, I’m actually ok with it.

A few weeks ago, I'd found some examples of unreasonable behaviour that the UK courts accept on a regular basis and had copied a few down. I wasn't even that concerned how true they were at the time, just that they would be accepted.
As I went through it all though, I realised that actually, WW DID do a lot of these things and in fact, was unreasonable.

I think I've said it here before that I always felt that my W was too good for me. As it turns out, it's HER that doesn't deserve me.
I’ve even started to feel just a bit excited about the future.

I’m going to be fine, the kids will be too. I don't know about W, she will have to find her own way now like I have.

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Thanks for updating us. I'm glad that your filing was easier than expected. You've come a very long way since your initial panic at BD.

It's fine if it helps you to think that your WW doesn't deserve you. At this stage, I guess it can help you detach and go through the motions. It's true that just one person left, doesn't mean that they did no wrong. It's just that they reached their threshold before we did. At the same time, be understanding of other people's failings. We're all flawed and will never be the perfect partner. By the look of your family, it seems like your W was long intent on building a stable family, in good faith, but lost the will before you did.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
Hi all.

I do feel I've come a long way, although it's been a hard and rocky road. I haven't helped myself or my sitch at times either.

When I say she doesn't deserve me, I mean she doesn't deserve my love or loyalty as a spouse any more. She's the mother of my children and we've had a good life together so I'll probably always feel "something" for her, just not love in the real sense of the word. She said she doesn't care for ME in any way now. That obviously hurts me deeply because she's saying that the last 23 years have meant nothing to her and the fact that I'm the father of her kids is just coincidental. I've a feeling that she is making herself be that way so that she can see this through to the very end without any thoughts of R.

As hurtfull as that was to hear her say (and it really was), it's helped my detachment no end, and for real this time.
I honestly didn't think it was possible for a person to change so much, which is one big lesson I'm taking from this.

You're right Mozza, I don't think my W ever planned to do this in any way. We talked about a stable family life and our future as a couple right up to BD. The intention was always to stay together but as you say, she lost the will before I did.

To use your analogy above Mozza, our car has been dented twice now and we've tried to buff them out both times.
She wants to scrap the car instead now. Sad but true.

I'd forgotten how much GAL helps in detaching. I'd been neglectful of that in the last few weeks. I was too busy attending my pity party that had a crowd of one. I put a stop to that 10 days ago. I've been doing lots with the kids, visiting existing friends (and made some great new ones too) and family in the last couple of weeks. My social circle is expanding nicely.

I've been invited on two holidays!, and been told by five or six women that I'm quite the catch and a lot of women would be thrilled to be with me. All good confidence boosters of course.

I've actually been asked out on a date one evening next week by a woman who's a friend of a friend. She's attractive, funny, single (divorced) and appears to be quite smitten with me. To be fair, I was flirting a little with her on a night out with a big group of friends.
I was really just trying it on for size.

She knows the basics of my sitch from her friend and realises that it's quite soon for me. When she asked me, she said she'd like it to be a date but if I prefered, I could just look at it as some food with a new friend. I think I'm going to go with that attitude to be honest. I did tell her that I needed to sort myself, the kids, the house, and get my life back on track before I had another relationship.
I don't want to lead her on.

I'm off to see my eldest son and his girlfriend tonight then visiting my sister in law and nieces over the weekend. I'm really looking forward to that as I haven't seen them since October.

I'll try to log on later and catch up with others sitch's. I feel more like I have something to offer the forum now for some reason, and even if it's not advice, I should offer support as so many of you good people have done for me.

Take care, Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
So STBXW text'd me today, asking if I'd filed. I knew the suspense would get to her. I said yes and that I'd email her with the details of the unreasonable behaviour I'd put as grounds for divorce, the timescales, a few details regarding finances etc. I told her I didn't want to talk to her on the phone or see her at the moment. It serves no purpose and I need to move on.

I said it's not out of anything like hatred, and that I still cared about her even if she didn't feel anything for me now. She text'd back saying that she was sorry she'd hurt me so much but that she couldn't make there be feelings that she doesn't have any more.

I emailed the details through and she text'd back saying that it was all fine.
So on we go.

I'm taking the offers of the two holidays (both short breaks) and am doing that over the next few weeks. I have lots planned with the kids and my friends. I'm considering taking up a martial art and some cooking lessons (I don't want to be Stevan Seagall lol!!, both are good GAL activities though).

I'm still unsure about the dating thing, and I'm thinking carefully about it before I decide if I want to go. I'm more concerned that the nice guy in me is still very much alive and kicking. I need to exorcise that particular demon.

Athough life isn't exactly "normal" with me living at my parents and away from my kids, I'm as close to happy as I think I can be right now.

Barry is on the mend...finally. smile


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
I'm impressed Barry. You're progressing much faster than I did, and you were starting from behind, considering your initial reaction to BD. I have avoided all paperwork for instance, so for me it's a big deal that you're already on it. You seem to be very accepting. The only thing that you need to improve, the same as ever, is to stop reassuring your WAW that you'll be there for her. Your window is closing. She KNOWS, inside out. She will know for months after you last said it. Yet she needs to doubt it to be attracted to you. Keep your options open.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
Hey Mozza, Thanks, I do feel stronger. You seem to be doing well yourself.

Don't get me wrong, if there were any way of avoiding D, I'd most likely still do it...although I'm not 100% sure.
Unfortunatly, our old M is dead and needs an end. Only then is there a chance for a new beginning.
I'm accepting of it because I have to be, all other roads lead to despair.

Will we ever have a loving R again, I don't know (I still hope so even though it seems like I've given up - filing has that effect!), but if there is ever to be a chance of that it needs to be on more equal terms. I have my own path to walk now and walk it I will.
I never would have even put my shoes on without W forcing the issue but now I'm out there, it feels ok...empowering. I think one of my biggest problems in our M is that I felt like I had no say, no control, that I always followed W's lead in everything out of fear.
Fear of this sitch becoming a reality. That fuelled what my W saw as controlling behaviour, and what I saw as trying to level the playing field.

I never wanted this, lets face it, who does. Yes, it's sad that it's happened but maybe this is the hand that fate has dealt me to save me from a loveless existence and to give me the oppurtunity for growth as a man. My W and I could have changed any number of things to prevent this but we didn't, and maybe on some unconcious level - we actively made it happen so we could both be happy...IDK.

What I do know is that I'll be ok so long as I remain commited to moving onwards...and upwards. smile

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
B
Barry Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
Oh how quickly things change. This sort of thing has been constant since BD.

20 minutes after I made my last post, my stbx called me.
I knew it was going to be unpleasant, I'd only told her 24 hours previous that I didn't want to see or talk to her!

She was calling to say that my S13's school had been calling and texting her all day about arranging a meeting regarding his behaviour. She said that because I'm going to be his primary parent soon, would I arrange the meeting and go without her. She said she's tried everything to turn him around but he wont co-operate. Of course, he's my son and I will be the primary parent soon so I agreed to do that. I've had some success at this in the past with my eldest son who is now at University.

S13 was taken out of his mainstream school pre BD and has had problems for a while. He's now in a school full of all the little sh!ts though, which has made him even worse. I don't live with him and out of all the kids, he has the least to do with me. I call, I text, I make myself available and try to arrange to do nice things etc but he's not interested.

Anyway, I called the school and arranged the meeting. I then sent S13 a text (that he would recieve at the end of school as they don't allow mobile phones in the school) saying to him to not go straight out with his friends after school, that his Mum has asked me to take over now, and that I've been in touch with the school. I wanted to talk to him about it before the meeting.

I got a text full of abuse back from S13 at 16.00 saying that he didn't want me involved in any of it. This is because he knows I'm the tougher parent, I always have been. My stbx is so self absorbed at the moment too (that's not an opinion, it's a well known fact) that she now wants to wash her hands of what she sees as a problem child that she doesn't know what to do with.

Bearing in mind, I don't live with him at the moment, and whenever I ask him about how school is going, (of course) he says that everything is "fine". The school tells me nothing - stbx made a big song and dance about that months ago and insisted they only contact her because he was living with her, and of course, stbx tells me nothing either so although I knew he was in this "special" school, I didn't realise he was running riot and being abusive to the teachers!! We exchanged a few texts but his were all abusive.

I called stbx to ask her to make sure he didn't go out after school so I could talk to him. She said she couldn't stop him and started going off on one (she's actually crazy - I mean it). I bit back because I'm tired of her crap and she hung up on me. I called back and my D16 answers the phone screaming at me to "not shout at my Mum". I said goodbye and hung up.

I was still at work but was seething by this point so I left a little earlier than normal. I went to try and catch my S13 at home before he went out. As I was driving back, I get a text from stbx saying "I've managed to get him home". I texted back saying "Good, I'm 5 minutes away). When I get there, he's gone??

I asked stbx what happened and she said "well, I shouted at him so he stormed off". I asked her what she couldn't have just kept her mouth shut, she knew I was on my way and she's passed him to me now. Yep - we had another argument. I'm more angry at the fact that not even 24 hours after she gets it that I'm accepting the divorce, she's made it that I have to contact her again. Yes I appreciate it's about the kids but still.

I told her that I have enough going on already with trying to sort out the divorce I didn't want, raising tens of thosands of pounds that I don't have, and trying to get on with piecing my life back together. All I want is this over, her gone, and to get back home with my kids. I appreciate that my S13 has a lot going on too, I'm just trying to help him out of the mess he's in.

Anyway, I tried to find him as he kept rejecting my calls and wouldn't answer my texts. I found him in the end and asked him to come and some in the car with me, he was still really abusive and added into the conversation that he didn't want to live with me now (how it even got to that I don't know). He stormed off back to his mates so I left it there and went home.

I called stbx to say that I wanted her to talk to him when he got home, particularly about this "not living with me" business.
She said she wouldn't tell him that he COULDN'T live with her and that if he did decide to do that, the current offer would need to change and we'd need to sell the house, split the moneies etc.

I've been working really hard towards the goal of paying her off and getting back home with the boys and it's possible now that my S13's short term tantrum is going to cost me about £30,000 in equity and I could lose my house. My son is more important obviously. Those things are too though.

I did say to stbx that it was a bit of a cooincidence that this has all come about 4 days after I've filed. Yet another argument.

I went to bed early and feel back in limbo a bit again. I don't know what's going to happen. What really grinds my gears is that I've become a real supporter of the "only controlling myself because I can't influence others" ethos, yet somehow, it's fine for people to be able to influence the course of my life with their actions...how does that even work!!??


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Very tough Barry. I have no advice just a bit of support. S13 is going through a lot and needs his Dad. You can only be there when it's needed Carry on with D. That's about protecting you and yorur sons. Relax back from it and give yourself time to think and process what is happening

Take care mate. Rd

Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard