Hey uR! Thanks. I get slightly apprehensive about the thought of those pangs. But, overall, I know I've turned a corner. Today I did yard work... Things we'd do together. And I'm ok! Don't miss him. He be gone anyway.
2b- my goodness- that's crazy anyone would look at me for strength! I feel like I've been a sopping mess. But thank you, that was a really nice post.
Shining! Oh yeah.... This groove is quite impressive... Or something. I had a blast last night and felt like myself. Me real me- pre xh, w xh, and now the me w/o him. My core personality. I will hold on to that with a death grip bc ourselves is the only person we can hold onto and not let go. Anyone else around should be there bc they want to. And if they don't, it's not worth tiring your hands over. No one will be happy.
I think my will or reserve is being tested today. The sincerity of my newest feelings. My strength and growth. I think meeting that girl was one. The fact that she knew her, knew what she did & told me things didn't get me upset at all. The other friend I came across- I couldn't even reLly look in her direction even though she can no longer stand HWW.
(More growth- the pregnant girl at work- who I haven't been able to look at- yesterday I asked her how she was feeling and exchanged a few words w her about it)
Today, I was sorting laundry in the basement. I had 3, very distinct, piles of clothes. I was taking them out of the hamper and putting them in the appropriate pile. I set a shirt in, turned to the hamper and grabbed another and turned back towards the piles. I am no kidding about this- there, in the middle of all the piles- out of nowhere was xh's sock. Just one- in the middle. It wasn't there a send before that- yet, there it sat. It was one he always wore. In the middle. There. Two feet from me. I just stared for a moment. Xh moved out a year and a half ago. He does not have socks here. It was an ankle sock. He does not wear them in the winter, so it wasn't from then. S18 would never wear it. He only wears nike elites. I mean. Hmmmm...
So then a little bit later, my friend walked over as I was outside doing yardwork. She is the one who works at the hospital and gave xh the info about paternity test that crazy week. Anyway, I have really spoken to her in person in months. She told me how weird it was being around them at the hospital and how different he is w her. Like she controls everything and he is scared if her. This is NOT the guy I know. At all. Military. Leader. Successful, in management. Never a pushover here or anywhere! But it doesn't surprise me. I knew it all along. But hearing it is weird. Like when my bil said it was like he was walking on eggshells around her. And that was the first week the were living in their new house!
Anyway, my point is, none of it really phased me. Like I'm being tested. And I just don't care.
I think it is sad that he gave up EVERYTHING for that life, but it's not one I have to live.
I'm not surprised that you made a splash at the party. One surprising side effect of all this that I experienced was a kind of fearlessness. After all, the worst had happened, my ex had left....so what did I care about the little stuff? If somebody didn't like me at a party, or if I was a little too loud or too silly, who cares???? I could just be myself and not worry about it, and it was very freeing.
I'm just catching up on your thread. I've been pretty busy and not online as much anymore.
You sound like you are getting over the hump. I can tell you I never thought I would get to a place where I felt Meh instead of pain when it came to me ex. I am three yrs separated this August. This year has been the turning point for me. I have stopped waiting and moved forward in my life. What he says, does or is doesn't affect me like it did a year ago. You will get here too. My ex came by to pick up my SD the other night and hugged me hello and goodbye. I felt like I was greeting someone I used to know. It felt good to not feel anything more. I have started to date and I think this has helped me move past my marriage. Even if it doesn't last it doesn't matter. I have a life and I am making plans for my future.
You deserve happiness Mighty.....keep moving forward.
Big hugs
karma
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Matt- I missed your post. Thanks so much for the encouragement, support, and well wishes. I know you have been facing a lot of tough challenges recently. I hope they are alleviating some. You deserve much happiness and peace. Sorry it took so long for me to post to you!
Ellie! I've missed you! Whoa... I am really feeling the way you described. Well... you have been an awesome role model... glad to realize I'm reaching some of the places you have found yourself. Yes!
Hi Karma. Great to hear from you! I am glad you've found your way and making a new life for yourself. It is easier once you get over that hump. Still feeling some growing pains, for sure, but I've found footing.
Hi Julie. Glad you've come back here. Sorry that your sitch is still tough. It's a long haul for many of us. But you've got your place now?! That's great and a huge step towards YOUR life for you. Keep posting!
OK, so I've had a couple days of processing and contemplation. I find that I have these great bursts of growth... then need some peace and alone time to regroup or something. Yet, I know I can't stay too still for too long... then I will start to backslide. I'm still in a good place, however, my mind has been trying to mess with me a little today.
But I think that I am in a better place. Stronger. More put together. It's like I am waking up to what has happened the past 18 months. My failures, decisions, the chaos around me. I know I need to make more changes. And I know I've allowed myself to become weak in areas I wasn't before. So.... I have some cleaning up to do. I know we are all put in survival mode with bomb and behaviors of mlc, but I swear, I have felt some of the things as described as stages of mlc. Do I think I went through it? No. Nothing like they do. But, I think I was dragged through some. Some from my own inability to totally let go... and some because of the insanely intertwined connection. Sympathy pains may have had a tad to do with it? And, dealing with my own issues, of course, was a proponent. But, whatever the reason... it's neither here nor there. The point is, I'm now on the clean-up committee of my own life. Some will be much easier than others.
I withdrew from people the past year and a half. I know that. Good people. Family. Friends. And yet, I also met new people.
Let me get right back to that in a second.
I have been numb. Numb to things that seemed momentarily unimportant. My plate was full. I had no room for things outside of my immediate survival. I let things roll off like I was a steep bowling alley. Things just didn't matter. And I was utterly aware of this.
Now, when it came to people/friends in my life. I couldn't face people. First, I didn't want people feeling sorry for me. I didn't want a pity invite. I was depressed... a gamut of things.
However, with that, there are some new people in my life. And now, something about some of them just don't seem right. It sounds terrible, I know. But, I think that broken people attract other broken people. And the thing is, that when I was around them, they would say and do things that felt off or wrong to me, bothered ME, the core me, but... I let it roll. In fact, I even thought that it was one of the things I need to work on. Xh used to write people off. With that, we didn't keep "couple" friends often bc of that. So, I just thought that I need to accept people for who they are and that's that. However, I also think my personal standards and boundaries were skewed... or temporarily non-existent.
People know where I stand. I'm that kind of person. But, for 18 months, not only did I NOT KNOW where I stood, I think I was incapable of standing for myself! So, how could I take a stand on anything?
Bam.
Here I am... I've found my footing. And I'm looking at my surroundings. There are things I just don't dig. The good people in my life are still there, and I don't totally see invites as a pity invite anymore. Yet, there are others. I'm kind of creeping myself out! I had red flags. But, I just... I don't know... I was just in a whirlwind of chaos... and... ugh... I can't stand it! What was I thinking??!!!
I'm going to do another post, bc this was more like my own awakening of sorts. And the next is going to be about dealing with a minor causatum.
OK, so there are a couple of people I need to... ditch. Sound terrible? Probably. But, it's just not me. Others, well, I have made some new friends which are great! And then there is the in-between... just need some space.
Right now... I'm dealing with one in particular. This seems like a great person. Buuuuuuuuuut.... Now I'm super annoyed... and actually pi$$ed! And, that... is weird for me to have these feelings outside of my sitch!
So that guy a few weeks ago... the one who showed up late after a night of drinking... the married one. Ugh. He's gotta go.
After that, he did apologize. And, I accepted it and moved on like normal. Didn't forget it, but acted like before the incident. Oh, and I wanna say, that night, he texted me when he got home and said some crazy things... I shut it down, and he said "I'm sorry you're not attracted to me." Since then, things have been OK. I guess when I get super uncomfortable, I just play things off with a joke. And honestly, I've never really been in a position to have to aggressively ward someone off! I mean, I don't give off the vibe like I'm about that.. so, you'd think that'd be enough!
Anyway, he texts me a couple of times a week. I don't always respond, but when I do, it's just joking and nothing big. And not much.
However, he has put it out there like... needy. Like he knows I don't want him, but plays games like he wants me to fall for it or something. Stroke his ego... I don't know... it's weird. And I have NEVER responded to that.
Friday he got a little grabby with me. But was like, "Oh, sorry." right after. I walked away.
Friday night, he texted me when i was going out with my friends. My friends are also friends w him. So, I just responded a little bit later that I was out with them... hoping he would stop.
I didn't check my phone for awhile, until I wanted to see if my kids were looking for me or anything. You know, only parent on duty 24/7. And he had texted something about coming to see us out. I didn't respond. I just feel like what the heck... we aren't even that close. I'm out. Leave me alone!
So then, as I was standing with my guy friend, I saw I had 2 more missed texts from him. My guy friend asked what he wanted. And checked his phone to see if he had texted him to come out. He hadn't. My friend was like WTF? He knew we were together.
So, this is what I get from this guy at this point ( I still hadn't responded about him coming out):
-No worries. Next time.
Then,
-That's like shooting fish in a barrel
After I saw them, I was like, "What?" I just didn't get it. I probably should have even said that, but I'd had a couple at that point. And was super annoyed.
Then, "I was going to stop down but I didn't want to interrupt."
Then, "I'll chill its all good."
Ugh. Who are you and wtf do you want? I mean, seriously. Whatever. Ignored.
Next morning, he's calling my phone. OK, not answering that one. He left a voicemail. Didn't even listen to it. In fact I never listen to voicemail. It's usually full. I just deleted messages this week to make room in case kids school call. They are the only messages I listen to. I hardly check email too. Been like that since bomb. Hey, I'm telling ya.... plate full.
So, put it out of my mind for the day. Yesterday evening I got some stupid text from him that there was some guy at a restaurant waiting for me. Like he was trying to be funny. And he is always making really dumb jokes like that. Which, I've always just humored, but not really got into. In fact, I don't think he is funny at all. Just weird. But, this is becoming increasingly clear to me.
Actually.... here are the text exchanges:
Guy: I ran into some guy at xxx looking for you. He had 2 chocolate shakes and smothered fries.... odd?
Me (a little while later and annoyed): That's weird.
Guy: Did you listen to your voicemail?
Me: No. I don't listen to voicemail.
Guy: Well do it! I gave that guy your # and he called u today.
Me: No way
Guy: For real listen to your vm
Me: Nope. With my kids. (Two finger "Peace" emoji)
Guy: Interesting
OK. I WAS SO ANNOYED! Maybe overreacting... but wtf is he to tell me what to do? I'm not listening to my damn voicemail if I don't want to!
And, the night before, he made me feel like I needed to answer to him! What is that? And, what ever gave him that idea?
Then, to say, "interesting" like I am doing something wrong by not doing what he said to do?
And he wants me to coddle him? Beg him to come hang out or something? F that! Go away!
Go talk to your wife! The one fighting cancer, you friggin a$$hat!
Like, seriously. He crossed a line with me. I don't have to answer to him. I didn't want to hang out with him.
And, I've also learned something about these guys, previous to this weekend from his actions. These guys don't give a f about who they want to bang while cheating on their wives. He doesn't want a r with me, he wants to bang me. (Sorry for being crass). Then go home to his wife and kids. HE'S GOT THE WRONG ONE!
I am sure I haven't given the impression I'm not that kind of girl. If so, I will be sure to make it clear that I'm not. But, I think he saw me vulnerable and tried to take advantage.
Anyway... sorry to vent. I just was so put off by the fact that he thinks I would waste one second explaining myself or answering to him or... whatever.
And, I didn't want to listen to his dumb message where he sounds like an idiot pretending to be some derelict who wants to buy me smothered fries. He's not funny. Stupid.
Mighty, I freakin love reading your posts. Ok, first of all, you arent crazy...but, I will get back to that idiot.
About the people you allowed into your life while going through all of this. When this happens, we go into crisis mode. We are just trying to survive. We try all different things to get through it. That includes letting people into our lives..people we wouldnt normally allow were we not just trying to get through the day.
Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a little while and thats ok.
When we are getting our footing back, we begin to see more clearly. When we do, we reassess.
Now as far as this as#hole..he needs to move the heck on.. He is totally inappropriate. Totally. It isnt you...its him. And yes, he is trying to take advantage.
I say this....bye Felicia. Ta ta..farewell..arrivederci. Dont let the door hit you on the way out.
Mighty, I'm w/uRWorthy on this one. Shut this man down. In his mind, he thinks because you've been nice and communicating w/him, that it's okay for him to continue to call and text you. He thinks you are interested in him. SHUT HIM DOWN! If you don't, he will continue to call and text you. Also, he may very well continue to show up wherever you are w/excuses of bumping into you. He wants attention, ego stroking, etc., because his wife has a battle on her hands w/cancer. He's not getting that attention at home and because you are a nice lady and have been friendly towards him, his mind is in overdrive thinking you might be interested in him even though you've not indicated that you have. Be careful...in some cases, this is how stalking begins.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
