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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2556725
04/13/15 08:51 AM
04/13/15 08:51 AM
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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I'm going to re read the infidelity chapter on DR. I do truly want my m to work, you all know that. And whilst I am hurt, betrayed. We know with hard work from both parties that they can survive and be even stronger.
But I do want to make sure this is truly worked at and that all changes are lasting changes


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2556733
04/13/15 11:11 AM
04/13/15 11:11 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
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Zephyr Offline
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Originally Posted By: Cherry

But I do want to make sure this is truly worked at and that all changes are lasting changes


I've read many posts requiring the was to write a letter clearly stating his intention to break off affair and then you get to send it to her.

Is there a plan for this? He should be the one to have to to get std tested, not you?

You have been through so much. As part of the marriage struggles, two had a hand in it and You have really lookes deep inside and found where you have failed to meet needs. This was not something you did overnight. He will need to go through this process, not just be repentant for betrayal of your vows or disrespecting Cherry in every way imaginable.

You're doing great! Strong for you. Strong for your baby.


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Zephyr] #2556740
04/13/15 12:12 PM
04/13/15 12:12 PM
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Cherry, some further books you may want to consider for the stage you are at. All of them have a lot of detail about healing/recovery from A's..

Shirley Glass - Not just friends
Andrew G Marshall - How can I ever trust you again?
Relate - After the affair

I have read all three (before I started DBing.....but I've never got as far as being able to use them :() They are all well worth a read in different ways, and contain much more detail on they whys, wherefores, pitfalls and so on...

Also, great that you are moving forward - but expect fits, starts and some backsliding, then you won't be disappointed if that happens...

You're doing great Cherry x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Sotto] #2556751
04/13/15 01:20 PM
04/13/15 01:20 PM
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Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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Zephyr thanks again for the kind words. Thing is he has been sleeping with the two of us. He promises protected with her, but me rather foolishly on both our parts unprotected. You are so so right, I have . And I do try to find gods blessing in everything. My blessing here is I became a woman I wasnt. I am far stronger than I ever believed but he really has to look deep and find his faults and where this fell apart.

Toots, thank you- I'll be sure to check those out. And God willing you will have the need to read them. And if not, what a fool he is!! My expectations are still low, I don't know if that will ever change. I'm actually surprised I've not really cried. I truly am the strong one here.
Ow somehow has my number and is messaging me alsorts. All of which h has told me about. I haven't risen to this- not said anything back. I'll talk it through with h when he's home.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2556752
04/13/15 01:21 PM
04/13/15 01:21 PM
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Heart14 Offline
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Sounds like things are moving in a positive direction. MC should be more useful now that he wants to work on your M.

Originally Posted By: Cherry
But I do want to make sure this is truly worked at and that all changes are lasting changes


This is important. Piecing is very hard work and you will both probably have slip ups where you use past "bad" behaviors. That is normal and doesn't mean that nothing has changed. Be gentle with each other. The important part is that you realize when those behaviors show up and work to change them the next time you're in a similar situation. Look to see that there are more positives than negatives. Don't be discouraged if it's one step forward and five steps back for awhile.

I second the recommendation for Not Just Friends. It's an excellent pro marriage read on healing from infidelity. I read it a few times when I was feeling discouraged. I also prayed for strength and patience, a lot! I still do actually. I believe God has a plan and purpose for our lives. We just may not be able to always see it.

I'm sorry you're hurting, Cherry. You've shown a lot of strength and poise. Good job setting clear boundaries and expectations with your H. Now it's his turn to do some of the heavy lifting.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2556753
04/13/15 01:24 PM
04/13/15 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted By: Cherry
Ow somehow has my number and is messaging me alsorts. All of which h has told me about. I haven't risen to this- not said anything back. I'll talk it through with h when he's home.


Cherry, I wouldn't engage in the drama with OW. It's not worth it. Block her number and try and put her out of your mind.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Heart14] #2556820
04/13/15 04:29 PM
04/13/15 04:29 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Thanks heart. I'm going to re read your sitch too- the behaviours of the H's have been very similar. It's like now, I've been out GALIng meeting my girlfriend and I had a great time. Then ow has messaged me more. He has told me the things, hearing it hurts. She has ranted and raved at him at work, and says she won't stop until he's alone with nothing. I don't want to get involved in his mess. I do want to be in a R with him. But I can't help him clear this up. I guess I support emotionally? I dunno. I'll be sure to get some reading done- I think he should too.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2556898
04/13/15 07:52 PM
04/13/15 07:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Hi Cherry - well OW certainly isn't doing herself any favours is she?? Glad to hear you have had a nice time with a friend this afternoon - good for you!

Calm, wise, strong Cherry.....x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Sotto] #2556933
04/13/15 09:18 PM
04/13/15 09:18 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Yeah it was lovely. Showed h the messages then blocked and deleted. We had another good talk. He says he's determined to do whatever it takes. I'm just trying to figure how to be there for him but ensure that he fully understands implications of his actions. She's hardly gracefully backing off!!


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2557009
04/14/15 02:59 AM
04/14/15 02:59 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 157
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Originally Posted By: Cherry
She has ranted and raved at him at work, and says she won't stop until he's alone with nothing.


Do they work together?

Originally Posted By: Cherry
I don't want to get involved in his mess. I do want to be in a R with him. But I can't help him clear this up. I guess I support emotionally? I dunno. I'll be sure to get some reading done- I think he should too.


Yes, support him emotionally where it's appropriate. He made some bad choices and now he's seeing some of the fallout from that.

I agree that reading would be good for both of you. It will probably help you dig deep into what happened and why. Answering those questions will help you avoid ever being back here again.

Originally Posted By: Cherry
She's hardly gracefully backing off!!


That definitely works in your favor. I can't imagine that your H is enjoying her going off the rails. Has to be very frustrating for you too. Deleting the messages and blocking her is a wise decision. That drama sounds toxic.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
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