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A Message from Michele
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Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 #2556445
04/12/15 09:34 AM
04/12/15 09:34 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553642&page=11 So this is thread three.

Quick recap, I was hit in jan with he wants a d. Had come out of nowhere. We have a hound baby. H denies affair. Then it turns to "just a friend". Then ea. Now he has confirmed pa, but also claims he has had a reality shock and ended it. I'm unsure what to believe.


Thank you all so so so much for the support. You have no idea how great it feels to have you lot to support me. No one knows what's going on and it makes me feel I have no one.

@zephyr thank you for the kind words. I certainly need the prayers.

@heart, funnily enough I read all of your sitch the other day and was thinking how similar they are. He has said he doesn't think I will ever be able to trust or forgive him. I guess it's hard to see past all this these days. The thought has kept me awake most of the night. Thinking of his hands on another woman knocks me sick. I know who and where she lives, I'm fighting hard not to go see her. I don't know wether he fully has no contact with her. I'm wondering wether to set boundaries of he cuts off all contact or I walk.

@toots, as hard as this was. I didn't cry, scream, get angry. I tried my very very best to remain calm and emotionless. I did validate that as much as it hurts I do appreciate the honesty. She isn't married, she's 3 times divorced! He said she lashed out at him- telling him he was trash. I did say she was the one sleeping with a married man so had no right to say anything.. He does seem very remorseful, he apologised. And appears further in a depression than ever. I don't think he is over this ow by any means, he said he started thinking about his "options" after an incident with yet another woman trying it on with him. He said he is aware he has been doing worse but that gave him a massive reality shock. I think to start I did say maybe we can work through this.. But after a night of no sleep and thinking, I'm hurt beyond belief and I do need to protect me and my child. This decision can't be made lightly.

In a way, I'd already arrived at the conclusion that he was sleeping with her. And me. I asked wether he had used protection. Do you think I should still get an sti check? I can't believe he would even endanger my health. I'm still on the edge of caution with regards to him cutting all ties with her. I would like to believe him- but obviously my trust has gone. If he indeed has, then the upside is that yesterday he left the house saying he needs to either end things with me or ow. Which is when I firmly laid my boundaries.

I'm not sure how I go about things. I know the key to changing things would be communication. I said to him, I understand that she has been the person to tell him all the nice things I would have been thinking but not said. And that she gave him the time I didn't. He agreed that she made him feel good and valued. But obviously to spend time with him now would be being fake? Do I still stay detached? Take baby out alone? He said that he thought that the initial spark we had when we got together, I said it just fizzled out as we got comfortable, had a child. And that it is up to us- as a couple to keep that alive.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2556492
04/12/15 02:14 PM
04/12/15 02:14 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 250
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Kramer Offline
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Kramer  Offline
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Posts: 250
Definitely get STD check. He is sleeping with at least 2 women (you and OW). Do not have sex with him until you are sure he is committed to you and your R. It sounds like he is gravitating toward you, but talk is cheap. Actions are what is needed now. And don't let him make you feel guilty about your feelings. Be open and accommodating, but make him do the heavy lifting.


Me M51
WW F46
T 17 yrs
M 16 yrs
9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17
8 grandchildren
ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14
I discover PA 12/31/14
She files D: 1/9/15
She moves out 3/2/15
D papers served 3/18/15
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Kramer] #2556507
04/12/15 03:33 PM
04/12/15 03:33 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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Thanks Kramer, I will. That exactly how I've been, almost the same way I have the past few weeks. Detached but yet there. I told him I was taking baby out and he was welcome to join. After a chat and him saying he doesn't feel he deserves me and I should be kicking him out. He said he wanted to come with us. We have spent all day together, talked lots. Still been friendly to each other. Which is a bit unusual. I'm remaining strong- no expectations. He's spoken in a lot more we and us's.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2556537
04/12/15 07:09 PM
04/12/15 07:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
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Elly4 Offline
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Elly4  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
Cherry, I'm sorry that this has come to pass. I truly believe in my hearts of hearts that extra love and grace are being sent to you. I believe God's presence will be there to support you through the times to come in ways that you cannot yet know. But I also know that I believe in you your amazing, loving heart
will find a way to carry on and to smile again.

*hugs*


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Elly4] #2556539
04/12/15 07:14 PM
04/12/15 07:14 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,746
Eirinn , thanks so much for the kind words. I too believe God has a plan and tests us. For reasons we don't understand. All I can do is stay wise and focus on me and my son right now, but at the same time lovingly detached from my h.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2556552
04/12/15 08:17 PM
04/12/15 08:17 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Posts: 5,301
Cherry, it sounds like you are handling things with your usual strength and grace. Good for you. Your H clearly has some thinking to do here. And I think you are right to focus on you, your son, and remain lovingly detached.

I also think, whenever there is an opportunity, restate your clear boundaries. You don't want to go overboard on these, but IMHO, he just needs to know that Cherry won't tolerate an open marriage and has some thinking to do herself about all of this.

It will be interesting to see how he is in coming weeks. If there have been particular behaviours you associate with him being in a PA, do these change? Was he distant with baby and becomes closer? Is he volunteering information to you? Is he in more, and more inclined to chat? Does he share his whereabouts with you?...and so on.

Bear in mind that it is pretty unusual for A's to be cut off and to end completely. Their addictiveness tends to draw people back in. Three times D - that's a lot. Is she much older than your H. If she's three times D and in her twenties, that's an awful lot. I don't think I've even seen stats on fourth M's...

You're doing so well Cherry. Keep looking after yourself and baby my friend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Sotto] #2556649
04/13/15 01:21 AM
04/13/15 01:21 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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She is 29!! And threatening to come and tell me what had gone on. I told him I needed to know as much detail as possible of we are ever going to work towards "us".
I am definitely going to keep my wits about me for sure. H turned into a v different man when he became involved- as if he had been abducted. He became v distant and had no time for me or baby. He has shown a lot of remourse, I've even seen him cry several times today (I've only seen him cry once in my life!)

I'd like to think I'm smart, so will keep me strong, keep GALing. I keep picturing the lighthouse. He has given me all his passwords that he had changed. Telling me information, telling me to ask him anything I want to. I'm hoping that this is going to lead to positive things. But going to keep up with my self work. He has mentioned I seem like a different person in a good way- and is absolutely amazed by my strength.

And thank you for the positivity. You guys are the best

Last edited by Cherry; 04/13/15 01:22 AM.

Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Cherry] #2556652
04/13/15 01:33 AM
04/13/15 01:33 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Midwest
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Zephyr Offline
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Zephyr  Offline
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Posts: 1,098
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Cherry, no expectations for now...even on better days. We.see them change almost before our eye and it is real lasting change we will require before we will believe what they are professing. Time is a good thing here.
Have a restful sleep!


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: Zephyr] #2556674
04/13/15 02:19 AM
04/13/15 02:19 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
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T384 Offline
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T384  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Has he said that he is ready to recommitt to the marriage and do anything it takes?


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Still confused.. Still mixed messages. Pt 4 [Re: T384] #2556722
04/13/15 08:36 AM
04/13/15 08:36 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
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Cherry Offline OP
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Cherry  Offline OP
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Yeah he has. We've had a couple days of complete open conversation. I've been given passwords. Shown messages. Watched him delete everything regarding ow. He went to tell her when he told me he had to make his decision the other day. He told her he wanted to try and work on his m and be with family. And this is why she is now going crazy. Sending threatening messages etc.
I've been told the details of what happened. Spoke why he thought it had, why he said to me all the inconstant stories he did. Seen him cry several times.
I've laid it clear of my hurt and betrayal. I will not live in an open m. He said we can go to a mc, and he will do all he can to prove himself if given the chance.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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