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Just journaling,
Came back to see where I'd been last time I was here. I'm disappointed to be in the same damn spot.

I have no reason to want to leave. No dire circumstances making me want to leave. No OM, or other situation calling my name.
Still struggle with what is better for my children: this is not the marriage I would want for them. I don't want to be anywhere near him. I don't want him home when he's there, I don't want him going anywhere with me...But, what does divorce show them about commitment, about 'family above all else', unconditional love, conflict resolution, all kinds of things, ugh.
I don't want anyone hurt. I think we all are, at least on some level. But who's to say a change would make anything better; maybe it'll make things worse for them. IC said he thinks I'd be ok with aliens taking H, I think so too...how horrible.
I also seem to think the worst of M in the Spring, weird. I wonder about that.

Anyway, feeling more apathetic than Shanti-like lately.

Peace.

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Shanti Offline OP
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I had a dream last night that my husband died. It was horrible. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just love him and get on with it?! There's a song about someone not being able to make someone love them if they don't... Why not, if love is choice, am I choosing not to love him? I would rather love him and remain a family. Why can't I stand to be around him?

~Shanti

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Hi Shanti,

Instead of working on yourself, to see how you can enjoy life with what you have, you want to run.

Dispose and start fresh. This is all external oriented. The consequences of a throw away society. Get rid of the situation is far easier than looking inward to see what hidden issues may lie dormant.

DB essentially is about working on yourself (GAL). Letting go of the external things you cannot control (DETACH), and realizing that you are responsible for your happiness, not the situation (STOP FOCUSSING ON THE EXTERNAL).

My advice to you is to Detach and GAL. Start looking inward to see what is the cause of your dissatisfaction.

What do you want? What activities do you want to make time for? Job? Career? Start the bucket list and start here. Let him do the housework while you go out and do your GAL. You don't need his support or permission.

Here's a possible conclusion. If you have worked on your life and feeling great, the confusion of what you need to do next will be far clearer.

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Shanti,

I read this awhile back and so far it has helped me, I saw a lot of myself in this article and also in your thread. I don’t know if I’ve fully forgiven my S yet but I am trying and believe I can. Has your H changed? Are they the changes you wanted? What have you done to make yourself happy? As I’m sure your aware that’s not H job.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_forgiveness_gift_yourself.htm

Make no mistakes, D is not the best option for your kids.

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Shanti Offline OP
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[
Originally Posted By: TenBook
...and realizing that you are responsible for your happiness, not the situation (STOP FOCUSSING ON THE EXTERNAL).

My advice to you is to Detach and GAL. Start looking inward to see what is the cause of your dissatisfaction.

What do you want? What activities do you want to make time for? Job? Career? Start the bucket list and start here. Let him do the housework while you go out and do your GAL. You don't need his support or permission.




Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

Believe me, I'd like to detach and GAL. I do have activities that I enjoy, but H seems to assume he can jump in and join, or hover while I do them. This just takes the pleasure from them. I don't want to keep hurting him by telling him I don't want his presence. I have told him he needed to get his own interests, but he seems to have forgotten this (which is history repeating itself).

How many times does a subject need to be raised before it's fair to say...what, I don't even know. History of H doing what he thinks best, even when I tell him what I need. Then I get blamed for not telling him there was a problem! Oh boy, sorry.

Obviously I need to tell him to give me time/space to do my own thing (once again). I am feeling very smothered.

Plain conversation, bucket list, get to work. Thanks!

~Shanti

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don't you think having a common hobby/pursuit would lead to some type of bonding? maybe something that neither one of you knows anything about and learn together and make it fun. i guess the question is do you really want to have a good marriage with your H? MWD says that sometimes feelings follow actions. act as if you love him/want to be around him. just an idea. good luck


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

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I think that your words are just words. You need to start turning them into action.

The longer you prevent yourself from GAL, the worse you feel about your H, and the farther you get.

Unless he is physically restraining you? Does he suspect an A?

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Shanti

Just read your sitch ... a short one but one that covers some time as far as the calendar.

I have learned so much here, alot of us have.... but those lessons were not ones we wanted to learn, was more like we were forced to out of survival. Looks like you are and have been stuck, fearful to move in either direction, why>? ... in a word FEAR. Your mind cycles, you are fixated on your unhappiness, that resentment is building and in your case directed at your H. Thats what I get from your sitch.

You can try to GAL, but H tags along, involves himself ... does not seem like anything he is doing is setting you off, just his mere breathing, his existence in your life ... why?> Because the little things have added up and you have started to resent him.

This is where you are now, this is not where you need to live, this is not how you need to be, this is not who you want to be is it? One of the lessons DB/DR teaches ... you control you, you can not stop your H from breathing, nor anything he does .. you CAN change how it effects you. There is a secret .... no one can make YOU happy but YOU.

Start thinking positive, do small things that make you feel good about you. Take charge of your life and your thoughts, own it. focus on that. I think you see D as the out .... sure .. it may be easier just to sign docs and part ... that still will not make YOU happy, you might feel less pressure for a bit .. then the new neighbors will irritate you, your H having the kids enjoying things will bother you. The D is a fantasy you have allowed to think about because its an escape ... requires no work to daydream about that life.

Work on YOU, I think your unhappiness is more to do with YOU than it has to do with your M, and I think once you start making these changes, putting in the work you would be surprised at how much happier you can be regardless of your H.


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: JayTx

Has your H changed? Are they the changes you wanted? What have you done to make yourself happy? As I’m sure your aware that’s not H job.


Thanks JayTx, I have printed the article and will try to forgive. I certainly can/do hold a grudge (or several)! H has changed, in some ways what I wanted, in others not. He definitely pitches in more, but has not GAL, I'm a strong introvert and really need some space. I feel like the activities director, you know? Nothing gets done w/o my stamp of approval. I want a partner, not another child. As for making me happy, I try to do what I want, when I want. For a long time I tried to do what he seemed to want (or tried to not anger him, is more accurate, I guess).

Bravo61, thanks for responding. I do think that eventually that should happen. Right now, I need some breathing room. I did try to live "as if" and the feelings never followed, I got tired of the falseness and frankly didn't have the heart to continue it.

TenBook, your post made me angry, which must mean it strikes close to home. :-) I do tend to think, think, think about all the things I'd like to do. I need an action plan. And I think some more clearly defined boundaries. It seems hurtful to me to keep saying "stay away", but I guess D w/o trying it (one more time - which is what gets me - how many 'one more times' do I have to give it?!) is certainly more hurtful than that. No, he isn't physically restraining me, and as far as I know doesn't suspect A.

CaliGuy, yep, right on target; your whole post, his existence in my life, mere breathing...
"This is where you are now, this is not where you need to live, this is not how you need to be, this is not who you want to be is it?" No, I so want to be believe it's possible to get out of this spot! Right now I can't imagine wanting H around, I want to, I just can't see it.

Thanks all for responding - I really appreciate your thoughts!

~Shanti

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I'm glad about the angry.

Thinking can perpetuate itself into more thinking. It can escalate. Transform your thoughts into ACTION.

Share with us a timetable on what you intend to do for GAL. It can be just one thing. We want to support you and you will find it here.

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