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sandi2 Offline OP
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So my question is, in your sitch; did you reconcile the things you made up about H to see that they were just lies to support your justification


I have never been one to tell lies, even as a child. I would tell the truth, knowing I would get a spanking for what I did. I hate lies with a passion, and throughout my entire M, I had never told a verbal lie to my H. You know how Starsky says "All cheaters lie"? That would tear me up and I wanted to shout, "Not me! I never lied to my H"! Oh but I was deceitful and covered up the truth, and did things behind his back, and broke his unconditional trust in me, and cheated. So yes, I had joined the rank of liars.

I never verbally lied about my H, however, I did take the truth and give my own negative viewpoint and make him sound a lot worse than he really was........and especially when I was in the A. I left the impression he was worse than he really was. Yes, I did it to justify my own actions and for having the resentment I had toward him. Actually, I had put him down for years whenever I talked about him to a couple of my closest family members. I called it getting it off my chest b/c my H would never talk about our problems "with" me. So, I had been justifying or trying to get emotional support by putting him down as the true bad guy in our MR.

Yes, I had to deal with all those types of feelings and how I had blamed him for everything wrong in our M. I fought it a long time b/c I did not want to apologize for anything, not even the affair! And in fact, I didn't apologize for a long time. I remember telling one poor LBH (who was needing to hear an apology from his WW) that he might as well forget her going to him with an apology for the A. (Starsky nearly blew a fuse. smile He and I had come to the board about the same time and that was our first encounter with each other. Of course we were from different sides of the fence. )

Over these years I have learned how similar WW's act and even things they say. Whether they tell bold faced lies or give their own negative twist, they all seem to feel they have to paint the LBH to appear as the one who really broke the M down, and that he made her life so terribly unhappy that nobody could blame her for having an affair. ButI knew the truth deep down in my heart. I believe everyone does, unless they have other mental issues. Maybe in some cases, the WW begins to believe her own lies. Either way, it is useless for the H to try to convince her otherwise.

If a couple is going to truly reconcile after an A, she has to feel remorseful and then apologize for the A, and how she hurt her H, and all the lies & unfairness she created. And for some couples, it may not be a one time thing, b/c old feelings tend to resurface and if it is not dealt with appropiately and quickly, it will fester and they will not heal. If they even stay together, their R will not be much more than a sham, and both will live in misery. From all accounts, it takes some WW's a lot longer to do all of this, than other WW's. I personally feel the WW has so much anger toward her H, that that is why piecing is so hard! It takes time to heal all the wrong that was involved before, during, and after an affair.

I hope I answered your question.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi2 You have been a great help to me, I have not done the best job of executing the advice you gave me but I understand what you are saying.

I just read your last post and am starting to piece your story together. Did you and your husband end up reconciling?


Me: 36
W: 36
D: 14
T: 18 (05/1997)
M: 16 (05/1999)
BD: 7/23/15
Separation 01/2015
D mentioned and started 02/2015
D filed 3/2015
OM confirmed 3/30/15
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sandi2 Offline OP
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Yes, we did.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Yes, we did.



That is awesome. I so hope I can say that same thing one day.


Me: 36
W: 36
D: 14
T: 18 (05/1997)
M: 16 (05/1999)
BD: 7/23/15
Separation 01/2015
D mentioned and started 02/2015
D filed 3/2015
OM confirmed 3/30/15
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Yes! Me 2


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Originally Posted By: sandi2

I never verbally lied about my H, however, I did take the truth and give my own negative viewpoint and make him sound a lot worse than he really was........and especially when I was in the A. I left the impression he was worse than he really was. Yes, I did it to justify my own actions and for having the resentment I had toward him. Actually, I had put him down for years whenever I talked about him to a couple of my closest family members. I called it getting it off my chest b/c my H would never talk about our problems "with" me. So, I had been justifying or trying to get emotional support by putting him down as the true bad guy in our MR.
.....
I hope I answered your question.



Sandi,

Yes, this answers my question and I see the same things to the extent that W has stretched the truth so far to the point that anyone (our friends, her friends, her family) that knows me has started to defend me because it's at such an extreme. At that point, W stops talking to them about the sitch and then has tended to alienate herself from them. We're probably talking about >10 different people that tried to be an ear for her in the beginning. It's gotten to the point that she was complaining to me that no one cares about her and everyone treats her like 'poop.'

Friends have told me that during our M, W would say things to them that seemed like they were embellished, but they didn't know if maybe I was being that way or that W was just making a bigger deal about things. Once W left and folks started to talk to me, I see how different the story my W was saying compared to what actually happened.

Thanks for your insight, I see that W is having the downward slide of her fantasy world falling apart, but has not started to reconcile the 'truth' from the picture that she has painted of me in her head. I've been slow and steady, unwavering in my approach of calm and collected and it infuriates her, since this doesn't support her 'story' of how I'm a monster.

I hope that she'll eventually get to the point that she works through these feelings, even if we don't get back together because it's bled so much into any interaction we have, including plans about kids, schedules, exchanges, etc.

Thanks for the thread, it's helped me out immensely


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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MCS I have to tell you that your posts here a ringing true in my sitch. It really helps, especially now, to know that I'm not alone, and that my sitch really isn't all that different from anyone else's.


M:34 W:34
D:8 D:5
M:10 T:15
BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14
PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
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When we were first dating my W hated the idea of lying. Anymore it seems like that's all she's doing to me. She mentioned wanting to stop by and pick some stuff up from our apt. I told her if she didn't want me to be around when she did she could just let me know. She said no that was fine and that she would just call me before she stopped by. This morning I found that certain things were missing around the house... I SO want to call/text her to ask if she did stop by. Part of me thinks I shouldn't because I should be detaching maybe? I don't know what to do.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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Miman2, I feel for you. I am also dealing with the lies!! It hurts to have someone you love look you in the face and lie to you over and over again. I am also dealing with a wife living in a major fantasy world. She has taken on a different name online. I have picked up the mail and seen a bill with one of her character names on it. When I discovered the dating sites she was on, it was under her character name. She said she was trying to recruit guys to call in and ask for her so she would get more calls. There are fake email accounts under these character names. Awhile back she told me that the person she works for put a stop to the calls about underage situations. 2 weeks ago, I was upstairs in the middle of the night getting paper towels. Overheard one of her calls. It made me sick to my stomach. Again I saw that she has been lying about these type of calls also. I am not lying for her about her work anymore. I will respond by telling them that they need to ask her about what she does.


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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sandi2 Offline OP
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Quote:
When we were first dating my W hated the idea of lying. Anymore it seems like that's all she's doing to me


I would like to address this to all the LBH'S.

When a WW makes the first step through that gateway and compromises her integrity, then the next step is easier, then the next, and the next. I remember the first time I called OM. We had been IM on the computer for a while and he gave me his number. I left my house to call him. As I held the phone in my hand, I was saying, "This is crazy, this is crazy"! But I dialed his number while my heart was racing from the excitement. sick That step led to others, and in a very short time I was behaving as though I had conducted that style all my life.

The old W has disappeared and a new wayward b'tch has taken her place. Never underestimate what she would do. I hear men say, "My W would never do that b/c she's not that kind of person". Well, neither was I. However, I became that person, and if you have a WW, she will, too.

In order for her to become who she once was, that waywardness has to die all the way down to the root. It is very unpleasant for her, and it is a process much like pregnancy, labor, and giving birth (which that takes nine months, and this may take longer), but my point is it can't happen overnight. She can't just "snap" back, no more than she can spit a baby out the minute she conceives. She has to go through the "morning sickness" and the burden of the pregnancy. She has to deal with the misery she experiences. Then comes the real work. The LABOR! She thinks she's dying! It's too hard. She can't do, and wants to give up. She has to keep pushing and working to accomplish this birthing process. Then she reaps the blessed joy and realizes she has been given a precious, priceless, treasure. (I won't take time to express all my anologies to each of these steps, b/c you can figure it out. wink. )

Many want to bypass this process, but she can't have the results without going through the process. Another way of looking at this process can be comparable to her having to die to that wayward person she became, and give life, energy, and purpose to the person she once was. I used the word "die" instead of "shed" or "throw away", etc., b/c it is painful. If a LBS doesn't believe that it should be all that hard, then they clearly don't understand the transformation that took place and now has to reverse.

This is my main reason when doubting a WW who "suddenly" has decided to end her A and stay in the M. She's having sex with her H (maybe, not always) or she's telling him to just give her time and space and "Let's just put this all behind us and move forward". She may, or may not have shed a few tears to convince the H she wasn't playing him. However, she never truely shows signs of deep remorse. It doesn't usually take long that her bad attitude shines through and things quickly go down hill again.

She can't get there that quickly or easily, b/c it is a process that takes time. I warn all H's to be very cautious about letting your WW back into the M too easily. Some of you are so focused on just getting her back.......you will take her anyway you can have her. If you do, the problems are far from over, and another A could be waiting down the road, or she'll tell you that you have to accept living as roommates.

The root problem has to be resolved. The reasons that led to the A has to be reconciled. I believe it is wise to find a pro-marriage therapist specialized in couples healing from an A and trying to save their M.

Unfortunately, my LBH refused to go with me to counseling of any kind. Therefore, the DB board was my therapy, and God bless those who guided me through one of the most difficult times of my life.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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