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Originally Posted By: Vapo
Your wife is also hurting and I would bet that their hurt is several times greater than ours. But we must resist the urge to own their hurt. It is their burden to carry and lightening their load would be a disservice to them. We must love them and leave them to their journey. We must not interfere, because it is not our place to do so.


This has been posted a couple times, but I haven't seen it in a while. Written by a WAW trying to pursue and A

No Peace for the Prodigal


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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Originally Posted By: Andy
I'm in such a better place then I was when I started. Honestly healing ,myself and focusing on my D's has been all I've been doing for months. You are probably right I haven't detached..... I'm not at a point where her spew doesn't affect me and I am not completely indifferent to walking down this path to divorce.

I'm at a class at work but just had to address this. You ARE detaching. And doing really well. Don't be so hard on yourself Andy. I doubt that anyone is honestly completely immune to feeling hurt when their former lover and best friend lashes out irrationally and unfairly. You're doing fine. Let it roll off your back the best you can, and carry on.


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 94
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Thanks for the responses especially yours Linda. Yesterday was just a bad day I probably shouldn't have posted... My W has decided to make child support a huge issue, and doesn't seem to like the fact or amount that she is going to have to pay me. On top of that she has decided to try and play the "I just want time with my kids card" even though she has made it prett clear it's more about not paying money then it is about spending time with the kids... Based on her own actions over the last two weeks. It is what it is... I was just really upset yesterday, and it was hard to keep my eye on the ball of light at the end of the tunnel.... Slicing apart the difference between hope and expectations is where I think the work needs to be right now.


M:34 W:34
D:8 D:5
M:10 T:15
BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14
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Originally Posted By: Andy125
Slicing apart the difference between hope and expectations is where I think the work needs to be right now.


When I have an interaction and my mind starts racing about all the possibilities (questions about OM, motivation for saying or doing something, anything really, etc), a technique I use to curb expectation is to think about everything as a range of possibilities. Think about the worst possible outcome and the best possible outcome and realize that both are possible. This is a way to come to terms with the possible reality and any expectations associated with it.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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So yesterday I was going to post a lot of questions, because I have been really struggling for a week now. I think that part of it is detachment, part of it is being to critical of myself (probably something I need to work on there), and I think part trying to figure out where I go from here. In a lot of ways I have improved and made huge strides.... in others I certainly still struggle, sometimes I think that little things are what brings me to my knees. It hasn't helped that I have endured spew and manipulation.... long phone calls with the lawyer, enacting contingency plansI had hoped that I would never have to enact.

Then I read Sandi2 post "For the newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife"

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...nt=5&page=1

I have to tell you I really wish I had this to read months ago... maybe even a year ago. It brought a spot light into an area of my sitch that I have been looking at all wrong. I helped to show that what I thought I was doing to try to improve things, was more then likely making things worse. I know some would caution me here, but honestly I think that she hit the nail on the head in my sitch. My W is gone, wrapped into a self absorbed, rebellious bubble. The traditional approaches to DBing as a WAW have not been working... maybe they did a little bit back in Dec when I first came to this site. I also think at that time I had taken a harder stance then I had since I first learned of the first A. As I caved and started more appeasement again.... it fell apart. When I took my stand drew some boundaries back in Jan, things again took a ever so slightly tick up. But by that time I think I was too far into the rabbit hole. I continued to struggle with following DBing, mostly focused on me... but wondered why I wasn't seeing anything, not one bit, not an even slight change, softening, nothing. Her post, and the comments that followed along with her responses put a lot of this into some serious light for me.

I'm now left with only one fundamental question.... how do I simply let go. I think for the first time I'm actually at a point where I understand that she isn't going to change. She's never had any intention of changing, she is on here own journey.... I sound like a broken record, its time to let go of the bread crumbs that was my marriage. Time to stop begging for the scraps. Time stop being disappointed when she doesn't call the kids at night, and then has the nerve to say through her lawyer that its all about getting more time with the kids. Its not, its about her, money, time, OM, new OM, old OM.... it doesn't matter its about whatever selfish need or want she desires. Nothing more nothing less.

Sandi2 said something else that I think hit home for me. For so long now I have blamed the OM (whichever OM you want to choose) that somehow if he wasn't in the picture that things would get better... they would change.... but really I was looking at the wrong person. I think that is evident now, as she is on A number 3 (online or otherwise). I guess this post is finally reflective of my understanding, of finally seeing things as they are, and hopefully finally understanding that my marriage is truly dead. The woman I married is gone, replaced, with someone else. Maybe one day she will be back, or even be better, but the first things that needs to happen is i need to stop supporting this new person.... it isn't someone I want to be with, and is only a ghost of the woman I once new. DBing starts with me, and its this weaker self that needs to go. warrior poet comes to mind. Strong yet, compassionate. Humble, yet strong in my convictions.


M:34 W:34
D:8 D:5
M:10 T:15
BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14
PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
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The thing about this tough love approach.... It [censored] because it feels so counter intuitive. At the same time it felt good that when my W started yelling at me on the phone I simply said i see you are upset. I'm not going to let you talk to me like that I'm hanging up good bye. Boundary? Yup.... I guess I'm learning from being here.


M:34 W:34
D:8 D:5
M:10 T:15
BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14
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So things are getting worse. My W was pretty upset the other night and ambushed me on talking about child support which she seems really angry about. In the end it all seems to come down to money for her. Even after I explained that I was not prepared to talk about this, and needed to get the kids bathed and into bed she still persisted. She brought up the fact that I had changed the locks, and I explained it was a boundary issue. When she finally realized she wasn't going to get me to make agreement and move on her time table, she began to yell. I stopped the conversation right there stated "Ok this conversation is now over please leave" At first she refused and continued to yell. I again stated "this conversation is over please leave". That is when she dropped the "make me". Now this whole time I remained calm didn't raise my voice, didn't yell back. It's not worth it, it's not respectful.... And honestly it's one of my 180.... I used to let her goad me into a fight. I would get mad, start yelling, and usually say things that regretted. Almost always whatever I said would be used against me at some later date. So it came down to a split second decision, and having some experience with this kind of situation with friends, I stepped back picked up my phone and said "if I have to call the cops I will". This enraged her more and there were a few comments about "oh your such a big man" but ultimately she left.

This is now the second time in a week I have had to draw boundaries and lines. Two days prior she began yelling at me on the phone and got the same message "I'm not going to let you talk to me like that. This conversation is over I'm hanging up good bye". Honestly I'm looking for advice here, support, or comments. This is just getting ugly. I will tell you this was all followed by a long conversation with my lawyer the next morning. I also thing that when you take a step back and look at the event as I whole one thing rang true. At one point I asked her what she wanted the response I got was "I don't know what I want anymore". I think this is very telling, and might be reflective of the fact that over the last week I've stopped a lot of my own behavior that let her cake eat. I've pulled back and started to act as if we are divorced, I'm on my own path and pulled away from her. So any thoughts? Why all of a sudden has this reached a new level of terrible? Good sign? Bad sign? Is this just making everything even worse?


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Unfortunately, it is the nature of the game I think. It got heated with my X as well. I think one of the problems is that everyone feels they are entitled to something. And usually the entitlement is not split even or the idea of the entitlement is not even.

In my situation I realized that I had to figure a way to communicate with her without ever letting it get to that stage of terrible. I read a book that helped because it identified validation statements, which was definitely not my strong suit. The book was talk to me like someone you love. Although it was mostly for people in relationships it definitely was useful for me. There's a fine line between making progress and getting very angry when it comes to child support you will need to learn how to toe that line and work with her to get a result.

They're also different methods, research the method that is right for you and her perhaps it is collaborative law or individual lawyers or mediation. Ultimately what you want is a method that works best for the two of you without creating more conflict. However realize that this is this extremely controversial subject and in its nature purely adversarial.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Dec 2014
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I'm Just done... This has only gotten uglier... for all of you that have said to detach... I think I finally have, because the woman my W is now I don't want to have anything to do with. I know that a lot of you have said that this all takes time... I'm not convinced that is the case here, I think that in the end my W has had multiple A. She is in love with the current man half a world away, and is firmly committed to D. I'm coming out of his with my head held high a lot better of a person then when I started. But this divorce has not been busted by any means.... In fact is has gotten so hostile on her side that we have jumped off the cliff and there is no turning back.


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M:10 T:15
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Originally Posted By: Andy
I'm Just done... This has only gotten uglier... for all of you that have said to detach... I think I finally have, because the woman my W is now I don't want to have anything to do with. I know that a lot of you have said that this all takes time... I'm not convinced that is the case here, I think that in the end my W has had multiple A. She is in love with the current man half a world away, and is firmly committed to D.

I just read this, and Sandi's thread about wayward wives you posted above. I was amazed to read what she wrote about her heart turning very cold and selfish, with so many negative angry furious feelings toward her husband and marriage, and how thrilling and addictive her affair was.

I guess this is how your wife is now, addicted to her current Australian, and committed to blowing up your marriage. This makes me so sad for you. But maybe realizing it is what has helped you to finally become so detached.

I found myself "done" in an instant of time, after DBing for 5 years, with the click of a door lock. I was knocking on my ex's bedroom door and instead of answering me, or even telling me to go away, he locked the door. I think maybe he was having skype sex with the Russian, or from what I now know of her, maybe they were arguing. And in an instant I went from desperately in love with him to sick of him and his affairs and nastiness and.....done, is the only way I can describe it. If this is how you feel, it will precipitate a new time of healing for you. The pain will not instantly go away, but you will learn to deal with it better, and grow stronger and get happier. Joy will return to your life. You will be the best dad you can be and help your girls cope too.

Originally Posted By: Andy
I'm coming out of his with my head held high a lot better of a person then when I started. But this divorce has not been busted by any means.... In fact is has gotten so hostile on her side that we have jumped off the cliff and there is no turning back.

So sorry to hear things have become this bad Andy. But this is what the vets mean when they say that DBing is for YOU, that you should consider your (old) marriage dead, and become the best person you can, but for yourself, not with the motivation to win your wife back. My first marriage counselor told me exactly how to DB my ex, without calling it DBing, and told me that if I would follow his instructions, even if I was unable to save my marriage, I would become the best possible person I could be in my next relationship. Of course I did not want to hear that at the time, but it turned out to be true. I am in a wonderful relationship now with a man whom I truly respect and admire, and who cherishes me.

And this is you now Andy. The man only a fool would leave. Well your wife is a fool. I still hope and pray that she sees the error of her ways and wants you back. You are so detached that she would have to change a lot for you to take her back now, and that is a good thing. You do not want to return to the same marriage, but only to a much better one, either with her or with someone else.

And if you have really jumped off the cliff, you will find you have a parachute in us, who will give you moral support as you heal and get stronger, and in all you have learned about the 180s you needed to make, about love languages, validating, and meeting your partner's needs, to become that wonderful supportive man only a fool would leave. You will be the man Sandi speaks of, a man who is worthy of respect and attraction. And furthermore, a nurse smile


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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