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#2541616 02/23/15 11:55 PM
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I figured my old thread was getting to the point of being locked soon

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...695#Post2539695


Wounded - so GAL activities with H. What do others think of this? I mean at what point to we go back to our lives together or does that scream co-dependent. I feel like I still have so much to learn. For me - H and I did everything together. So me stretching out and doing things without him wasn't the normal. Don't get me wrong - I have girlfriends that I go and do things with during the days I'm off. But week nights and weekends were our time together and with the boys.

I still remain cautiously optimistic. If you were to ask me everything is great and I couldn't have imagined the leaps and bounds we have progressed through over the last month. It almost seems too good to be true. I don't want to come off as negative Nancy either. I am receptive to his advances and I return them as well. I know I am in a better place than I was in August when we first started to repair things.

I was still angry and felt justified. I felt I should have him on a silver platter and that's how it should be because of what he did. In no way am I taking the blame for everything because he *should* have been sorry after all he is the one that chose to come back. However - I allowed him to come back.

Anyway I'm rambling as usual. Trying to be cautiously optimistic because I don't want to end up in that place again

Thanks to everyone who listens to me and supports me.

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Couples that are happily married 30, 40, 50....80 years are supposed to be "co-dependent" and "inter-dependent". If you are religious, marriage mirrors our codependent and interdependent relationship with our particular higher power.

Being "co-dependent" with an alcoholic, drug addict, an abuser and/or an unrepentant adulterer would be unhealthily and unwise but absent such behaviors it's God's design for marriage.


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I think it is wise to be cautious b/c that may help in not getting too relaxed and quickly fall back into old habits. Much of what you described when he first came home was due to you not being completely ready. It was fast and all wasn't healed. So, you both paid the price and now you want to be careful not to repeat mistakes. (All is not completely healed now, but you know what I mean.)

I say to continue doing what is working. By all means save time for the two of you and for the entire family. If I recall correctly, you had maybe pulled back on GAL too soon when he first came home? Honestly, I don't know you do it with the hours you work! But I do see how it would be important to your own mental health to do things for yourself. It seems to keep you more balanced, less stressed?

Maybe you are wanting to return to what you see as more "normal" time for family togetherness? I would just suggest you very slowly incorporate this, and the minute you see any negative side effects.......pull out and start GAL more.

I'm so glad you give us updates. We like to hear these happy ones, especially. smile Btw, do you ever read the posts in Piecing? They don't get the traffic New omers do, but they do focus on trying to piece. (Not that I'm trying to shove you out of here. Just wondered if you've read any.)

Good job. I think I can speak for most everyone when I say you have done very, very well. So proud of you!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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T0, can you be more specific about what you mean by "at what point do we go back to our lives together"?

Are you asking if you should stop GAL on nights and weekends with your girlfriends? How often are you going out on nights and weekends with them (and w/o H) now?


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Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
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Thanks Georgia, Sandi and Train for stopping by.

Sandi - thank you smile I always look forward to reading your advice. One of the things in MC H says he enjoys and likes that we are doing more things together.

Train- I guess what I mean by normal is my thought of normal where it was basically H and the boys and I doing things. I do miss having our joint friends that had kids as well. We, on the weekends, had another couple we were really good friends with and would do family vacations, dinners, even just hanging out at each other's houses while the adults hung out and the kids played. However, we don't speak with them anymore. We introduced them to ex boss and his wife back when we were all friends and during our S these are the friends that ended up running to ex boss and his W and filling them in on any and everything and creating more drama. I chose to cut ties with that friendship, the W was very upset and felt it was unfair of me. My defense to her was that if I was creating a fresh start with H I didn't want ex boss or his family included in my life. I felt as long as she and I were friends ex boss would be in my life in someway. So long story short we haven't talked or seen them since September and it has been mostly a relief. Like I said I miss having the friendship but I don't miss her specific friendship. They weren't the friends I thought they were. During our S I realized who my friends were and who they were not.

As far as nights out without H. I have been working 3 days in a row. So for ex: this week I worked Monday Tuesday Wednesday. I stayed at a girlfriends house Monday and Tuesday night (we had wine, take out and watched reality tv nonsense) and I came home Wednesday night. Now I will be home and will repeat next week when I work. so I guess it's semi GAL but more lets me sleep in before work (dropping my hour commute) and saving me gas = me spending that in wine smile


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Just updating for anyone that follows...

Things are still status quo around here. Received an email from my L this week stating that the abatement was up and there is a case management hearing next month. She stated she had received an email from H's L -- stating H wishes to drop everything. She asked if this is how I want to proceed.

I'm still cautiously optimistic. We are in a better place than we've been - better than before because I am in a place where I feel I can receive his affection (I guess that's the best word).

MC said he doesn't need to see us anymore. We have been going once a week since the beginning of January. This is the first week we haven't gone. However - H and I both agreed we are going to go once a month for a couple times just to make sure we are staying on track.

I am so thankful to this community. I am still in this M but with eyes wide open. I am still working through things of feeling jaded. I still struggle at times with the past and I just change my thought process to focus on something else when that happens.


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Quote:
MC said he doesn't need to see us anymore


That's wonderful!!! whistle

It is so refreshing to hear good news, but even better for you two.
Sounds as if the C has done about all he can, and the rest is up to you both. Maybe he could refer a good program to help maintain your progress.


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Thanks a lot for this wonderful update. You came very very close to giving up several times along the last year, with your H sending you clear signals that it was over. May this be a lesson for everyone here who wants to give up at the early signs of difficulties, for a "definitive" email or phone call, etc.

I'll add you to the "Piecing" section of my success stories, if you don't mind. I hope you'll continue to update us regularly.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Thanks smile

Sandi - my fear is things are good.. How will we both deal when we hit a road block. I'm hoping we will use our new tools to move past hurdles we will face. I brought this up in counseling basically saying it's not always going to be great. We are going to face challenges and there will be things I bring up that H may not want to hear. C suggested that maybe once every other week we bring up something that the other person is doing or something that's going on that's bothering us and if there is nothing than to say there isn't anything. H said in C that he has realized more and more through counseling that he needs to speak up if something is bothering him instead of letting it fester. I was so happy when I heard that. I told H - you may not want to hurt me by saying something is bothering you but you're hurting me
More by not telling me and still holding it against me.

Who else could/would we see? We will go see our MC in a few weeks just to touch base.

Thanks Mozza - hopefully we stay there

And yes. My story is not pretty to read. Lots of why's, whining, feeling sorry for myself, etc. It's hard to read and hard to think that I was 'that' person for awhile because it's so not me. I cannot thank this community enough for sticking through with me. I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the people here. To those of you wanting to give up. The advice I can give is only you know when to give up. By all means live your life and enjoy yourself. Don't let your H or W drag you down but even the worst of situations can have happy endings. I'm sure a few here can agree my H was pretty bad during our S. A lot of people IRL. Cannot believe I took him back. To each their own. I'm happy and my children are happy. That's what is most important to me.

And happy doesn't have to just mean R. Happy may be realizing D is the best fit

Last edited by T0324; 03/07/15 11:55 PM.

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Sort of good to hear about the MC telling you to stop smile I really like that you are done with once a week, and are tapering off to once a month. I think weening yourself off is better then cold turkey. Maybe think of once a month, to every other month.

Have you even given consideration to one of the marriage encounter weekends? Or maybe one of the tools DB offers (I really don't know what is/isn't available).


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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