Thanks guys/gals for the input. and to hear that I'm on the right track. Yeah Vapo I see what you are saying... just not too sure how else to refer to it. I know its done, she's gone, and doesn't view any of this as being able to be saved. I don't share her thinking on this. Again gets back to what I have been saying for 2 months "I don't believe that divorce is the answer to our problems. None the less if you are choosing to leave then I love and respect you enough to let you go." That being said I'm not going to sacrifice myself for anything that is dead. I just want to make sure that while I move through my own healing, I'm not blowing huge holes in the road home. I guess that is what I'm getting at in that post. Taking care of me, without directly shelling the hell out of the road.
BTW Linda I have taken to referring to the OM when talked about with close friends ( which is very few and far between) as kangaroo F'er. That always puts a little smile on my face
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
As everyone has read from my posts I have certainly struggled with learning to detach, something that I almost equate to being addicted to a drug. I believe that on that front I have made some great strides, and am learning how negative an effect griping tighter and tighter was. I have also learned how sacrificing my boundaries, how the constant rolling over, never helped things in my marriage. In fact it probably helped to make things worse.
Remember that almost everyone (if not everyone) struggles with detaching. It is exactly the opposite of what your gut reaction is. So your brain is trying to convince you that lashing out, talking, reasoning, expressing your feelings is needed to feel better. And sometimes it feels great for a couple of seconds, but it will backfire.
And I know you are right, the tighter you held on, the more she wanted to leave. I did the same thing.
Originally Posted By: Andy125
Now I hear the many of the people (my support group) screaming in my head "stop blaming myself. Stop taking all the responsibility". Don't get me wrong I'm not taking all of it, I'm just owning up to my part as a self reflection. That being said here is where my struggle is...
Be careful of family and friends. Naturally, they are in your corner, not many if any will be even slightly objective. Because they care for you, they know you and subconsciously rationalize your position based off those judgements they will be driven to figure out the easiest way for you and themselves to feel better. This is an instantaneous impulse. They are trying to fix today. What is wrong today or in the moment. They can not be trusted to fully understand or validate the approach you are going down.
I find myself sticking up for the X in conversations, and my family says the same thing... You are taking too much responsibility. She should have approached you. blah blah blah. Fact of the matter is, you are here b/c you want to learn and get back on track and pull your family together. So you are going to be much more open about what you could have done differently b/c you are learning from it.
Originally Posted By: Andy125
Mainly it has come as text messages, but a couple have been with her coming by the house to pick things up or drop off my D's. On Friday my W began texting me about needing some tools to hang a shelf. I tried to keep my distance by choosing not to respond right away to her messages. At one point she said "hanging shelves are not my strong suit". I think that would have been an opportunity to be a cheer leader to her and simply say "I know that you can do it" or something along those lines. I didn't I just simply left it as a basic response.
I struggle with this too. It is hard to make an impact on your Spouse when you have conflicted emotions and premises and are trying hard to implement the DB rules. If it is possible, keep the road paved smooth and start with words of affirmation and validation, with a smile. If possible...
Originally Posted By: Andy125
I need to focus on me and my own self worth/healing. Am I right on this line of thinking? or am I doing more damage? Honestly me detaching and not being at her beckon call is a 180 for me, and to go back to my drug analogy, its like someone "come on just a little bit, it will feel so good" I really looking for some guidance here.
You are here. You are learning. You are implementing what you are learning. Keep doing those things. It is shitty that you are here (this goes for all of us). Some of life's best lessons are learned at the worst times. Learn from your mistakes, learn from your marriage, focus on yourself and your girls.
Although I hate it, I do know that I need to get my mind right and detach so the pursuer becomes the distancer and the distancer becomes the pursuer if there is ever a chance.
Again my two cents. Good luck!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I will have to admit that over the last week I have found things to be ver y much a struggle.... a little why I haven't posted anything. I guess the place to start would be on Tuesday. I arrived at my D's hockey practice and the encounter with my W was fine. We needed to sort out scheduling issues coming up with kids. That went perfectly well we were able to compromise on where the changes needed to be made. I needed to bring up a matter about a bill that she is on the hook to pay, and that is when the bottom dropped out.
The Friday before she had moved out I had two separate conversation with my lawyer about the ins and outs of child support. I won't get into the details, but it basically comes down to a number which both the lawyers calculated. When it was presented to me I agreed to it, and my lawyer warned that my W might be a little angry when I got home. I returned home and nothing was brought up. Apparently her lawyer didn't get around to telling her the child support number until the beginning of this week. So I was completely blindsided at hockey when she became very angry and stated that "she her lawyer had contacted her about the child support number". Effectively she said that it was BS and that she was going to both talk to her lawyer the next day and fight it.
I made a couple statements where I validated her feelings "I can appreciate that you are upset about this, but this is number that the lawyers came up with". and "I understand that you are upset right now, however the way that I understand it this all gets put into a calculator it pops out a number". I think I did the best that I could to both validate the emotions that she as feeling while at the same time not giving any real "ground" so to speak. I also refused to get angry. If I have learned anything from taking a hard look at myself its that I could in the past very easily be goaded into a fight. I remained calm and spent the rest of the practice showering my D5 with attention. Obviously I had to speak with my lawyer the next day to let him know the situation. Again I've also know for a long time what the child support number was, what the process was, and how it all works. I guess that is what you do when your W says "I want a divorce, the kids can stay with you". I spent the first month after she made that statement to me learning all that I could, so if the papers came it wouldn't be shock. The papers did come and I have been able to make very informed decisions, both for me and my D's ever since.
I guess what this really comes down to is me feeling like there really isn't much hope... I really appreciate the support you guys are giving me, I absolutely know that this takes time. Obviously if you have followed my sitch you know that patience can be a real challenge to me. Its one of the big 180's that I'm working on.... just sitting and waiting. I agree with everyone that has said that to her our marriage is dead, there is no hope. So how does someone cope/deal with that fact. When you want to bring your marriage back from the brink of divorce, and the other party doesn't remotely see it that way. I know and am working on my own self because I know that DB is more about my own healing then it is about the marriage. Believe me when I say that I am feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin, I have been working on me for the past year. It has been a very long road, and its probably only been 3 months since I stumbled onto DB. So where do I go from here? Is there anything that can do that I'm not doing or is it just more waiting.
And just to vent a little frustration, I'm getting a little sick of the focus on you and focus on the kids from my friends.... I've heard that so many times that I'm starting to hate hearing it. Obviously that is what I am doing, almost constantly because there is nothing else for me to do.... or devoting all my time to school. Some of the many positives that I have been doing. Bought new clothes, back at the gym, studying for school, building various projects around the house, reclaiming my home as my space for me and the kids, focusing on how the kids are doing helping them transition, helping them with school work, hanging out with friends I haven't in a long time, eating better, the list goes on. I'm also been seeing a IC for over a year, mentally I'm in the strongest place I have ever been, and a deep understanding of why I was so depressed and why I did some of the crappy things that I did. Seriously though is the only thing I can do now to keep up, sit on my hands, and simply put some kind of hope out there? But at the same time understand that my marriage is done.... there isn't any going back? Isn't that giving up? Isn't that just insane?
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Hang in there buddy. Be strong... We are here for you. We understand. Outsiders usually do not, we do... I gets better, it really does. Gust give it time and work on yourself.
I've done a lot of thinking regarding hope and expectations. And I have come to understand the following. Do not give up hope, for it is hope that is driving us forward, but you must separate hope and expectations, because expectations are something, that you should not have, because expectations breed hurt. And you do not need additional hurt in your life.
Your wife is also hurting and I would bet that their hurt is several times greater than ours. But we must resist the urge to own their hurt. It is their burden to carry and lightening their load would be a disservice to them. We must love them and leave them to their journey. We must not interfere, because it is not our place to do so.
Dude, do not sit on your hands. Go, live a little, get your mojo back. Dress sharp, look sharp, smell sharp and you will start to feel sharp. Make a plan for your life that does not include your W. Make intermediate goals for yourself. Create something in your life you you will have something to look forward to. Plan to go to a concert or a road trip in a couple of months' time. Having something in your sights does wonders. Trust me...
I think I'm ready to just simply give up.... Things are probably at one if he lowest points.... My W has decided to go to war with me over child support on top of that she has been completely unreasonable selfish and self centered... I know about that I need to be detached... I am because I really don't care at this point, and I guess that is why I think I'm just want to give up. I'm tired of all of it, of staying positive, of trying to leave the road paved smoothed... Of being the bigger person, of taking the higher road ... It's only been met with more spew more bs.... I know this takes time, a long time.... And I know like in your case Linda I may find that too much times goes by. I know it's her journey... She is going to walk It and get as messed up as she is ... But she is dragging my kids with her, she is continuing to throw poop my way and all I want to do is blow up every bit of the road home..... Burn every bridge and just sit on the side with a beer and watch the fireworks....
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Yes I have been seeing a counselor for a year now. And I have healed my self in ways I never thought possible. I'm in such a better place then I was when I started. Honestly healing ,myself and focusing on my D's has been all I've been doing for months. You are probably right I haven't detached..... I'm not at a point where her spew doesn't affect me and I am not completely indifferent to walking down this path to divorce. Unfortunately I'm still hooked to the idea that this can be saved... That divorce isn't the answer. Even though It's only getting uglier
Last edited by Andy125; 03/05/1505:04 AM.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
I think I'm ready to just simply give up.... Things are probably at one if he lowest points.... My W has decided to go to war with me over child support on top of that she has been completely unreasonable selfish and self centered... I know about that I need to be detached... I am because I really don't care at this point, and I guess that is why I think I'm just want to give up. I'm tired of all of it, of staying positive, of trying to leave the road paved smoothed... Of being the bigger person, of taking the higher road ... It's only been met with more spew more bs.... I know this takes time, a long time.... And I know like in your case Linda I may find that too much times goes by. I know it's her journey... She is going to walk It and get as messed up as she is ... But she is dragging my kids with her, she is continuing to throw poop my way and all I want to do is blow up every bit of the road home..... Burn every bridge and just sit on the side with a beer and watch the fireworks....
Andy, I got to this same point a few months back. If you look back at my thread, I didn't say it so succinctly, but I thought I was completely done. I said I had enough. I pulled back and tried to do my own thing. I was feeling better about the sitch, I was back functioning, etc. Then I realized I still cared about my W and still wanted it to work out, I just realized I couldn't do anything to affect it. Well, then the 2x4 hit me. I was starting to detach. My fear was that I would stop caring about her if I detached, but those feelings don't turn off, it's just acceptance you can't do anything about the sitch right now.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
