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Do you have a plan if she doesn't put the other half of the money in the account? What if she just spends your half on frivilous stuff. Plan how the bills get paid, or which ones do get paid and which ones you cancel, in case this gets crazy. People do crazy things when money is on the line. For instance, you may have to cut her phone, her car loan, her car insurance, etc if she doesn't want to play fair. Just need a plan to cover contingencies.


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4mendmj Offline OP
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I have paid the mortgage ahead by a few months so I actually have a built in cushion to see if she handles it like an adult or if she goes crazy.

Phone bill is monthly and shared but I can always go down and get my own plan and pay for it myself as her half used to come out of the joint card I will be cancelling. Car insurance we pay 6 months at a time and is already paid for. We are debt free minus the mortgage so only things like utilities and phone and cable are bills we experience on a monthly basis.

The only reason I am doing it is she blows so much money on coffee and lunches and dinners out with OW that even though she makes more than me, she is spending more than her own dispisable income even based on her % or re-worded how much she makes per month - half the bills. So this change will at least return my disposible income to me.

It does leave me unprotected in one way...since we are not divorced, nor have I filed, if she goes hog wild on that new credit card only she has, even though it would look bad in court, I would still be on the hook for 50% of it until I would actually file so I am actually risking something here by losing "control"/visibility into her finances but alas, the detaching thread tells me this is what I should be doing. It is her mess, I do not need to involve myself in her mess any longer.


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Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
I have paid the mortgage ahead by a few months so I actually have a built in cushion to see if she handles it like an adult or if she goes crazy.

Phone bill is monthly and shared but I can always go down and get my own plan and pay for it myself as her half used to come out of the joint card I will be cancelling. Car insurance we pay 6 months at a time and is already paid for. We are debt free minus the mortgage so only things like utilities and phone and cable are bills we experience on a monthly basis.

The only reason I am doing it is she blows so much money on coffee and lunches and dinners out with OW that even though she makes more than me, she is spending more than her own dispisable income even based on her % or re-worded how much she makes per month - half the bills. So this change will at least return my disposible income to me.

It does leave me unprotected in one way...since we are not divorced, nor have I filed, if she goes hog wild on that new credit card only she has, even though it would look bad in court, I would still be on the hook for 50% of it until I would actually file so I am actually risking something here by losing "control"/visibility into her finances but alas, the detaching thread tells me this is what I should be doing. It is her mess, I do not need to involve myself in her mess any longer.


Bravo. Separate yourself as much as you can... You will start to feel better once you know you aren't letting her take advantage of you.

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I guess my understanding is if you are not associated with the credit card account you are not on the hook for it regardless who divorces who. Especially if you separate your income too. But I could be wrong. A lawyer can give you advice on that


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4mendmj Offline OP
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Did speak with lawyer and lawyer did warn me I would be on the hook for 50% of any debt she creates but that it would further help me validate how she was extremely poor with money in a custody dispute. I of course want to save my marriage and this division of finances seems completely opposite to me which is why it must be the right move smile The concept of if I do not fight for me, she will think I am a pushover is a valid one I need to remember a lot right now. I was/am the housewife in the marriage even though I am the man. I have done all the cooking (I love to cook) I did all the cleaning until I gave it up etc. and now it is time to divide money.

My brain thinks I am getting further and further away from marriage but...sometimes DBing feels extremely opposite to me and frankly everything I did do got me nowhere so..... yah.

Deep breaths. Hating watching her leave everyday. D6 got in trouble at school again and it kills me to know how clingy D6 has become to me because I am right short of all she has but if we divorce, it is not like that is going to get any better.

I looked awesome yesterday, dressing nicer, taking good care of myself. 12 days smoke free now...GALing more even when at home. Have a friend coming over Friday evening knowing that W is gone for the night...just because I will be at home with D6 asleep, doesn't mean I cannot enjoy company with a guy friend.


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Good job! I hope you're ready for the spew. It's coming fast! Hold tight.


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Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
Did speak with lawyer and lawyer did warn me I would be on the hook for 50% of any debt she creates



I'm no lawyer, but I do spend many hours on a certain "FICO"-type credit repair forum, and this is NOT my understanding of how it works. I believe that if you notify the cc company in writing that you will NOT be held responsible for any debts of hers going forward, they can remove you from that obligation.

I further believe that these are federal laws that govern, not state, so I don't even think it's one of those "it may be different in your state than it is in mine," but I could be wrong. "Joint property" (and other probate) issues ARE different state-to-state, so maybe that's what it is, I dunno. Certainly worth looking into further if you're concerned about it (and it sounds like you have good reason to be).


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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4mendmj Offline OP
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I don't think she will spew mvgfwd2... I think she will act all cool, calm and collected like I am doing her some favor "freeing" her of shared money. No longer my problem though because I am the finance major in the home and I know that is not the case...she will be broke before she ever even moves out if she does...

My biggest fear is the spew that will insue once all the little stuff starts coming up like does the family pay for groceries and does she have to pay for half of them when she doesn't ever eat at home? Yes W, I ask you pay for half of the groceries as D6 and I eat here daily and you are always welcome to eat in your own home. Etc.

No clue...virgin territory for me...which means it is probably the right and hardest move yet.


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4mendmj Offline OP
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I am truly scared. Nothing has changed in sitch in the last # of days but I know/feel the change inside me...the acceptance that I am going to have to separate finances just seems so huge to me. This is either the beginning of the end or the beginning of a new chapter for us in our marriage. I get that it needs to happen, I have already started putting the action steps in place but I am scared.

Slept like a baby last night. I notice when I do these big things for me that my mind spins more during the day but I sleep better at night. Like at night my brain knows what I am doing is right but during the day my heart hurts because it is soooo scared. IDK. I am DBing. To the literal best of my ability. I have seen literally zero improvement in weeks but unlike "once the spouse comes back" right now it appears all I can do is work on myself because anything she would say or mostly do would be fake to keep my plate spinning anyway. She hardly speaks to me about 90% of the time like we are cordial roomates and then out of the clear blue we have some killer conversation like it was years ago. Biggest change in the last few weeks when those happen is I don't acknowledge them any longer (chasing) with something like "that felt nice" or "it was soooo great to talk to you". I instead just appreciate it for what it is and move on with my day like I would a neighbor and not a spouse. I hurt, I ache, I miss my wife yet she is right in front of me.

D6 told me this morning she hoped she didn't have to go to workout classes with W this weekend...(OW is gym owner, W goes to all the classes, W drags D6 along wherever W and OW are going) during the every other weekend I work and D6 is catching on that D6 is just along for the ride. I literally am starting to cry just thinking about it right now because even my own daughter is sick of this. I can't tell D6 to say something to mommy because what would come out of D6's mouth is "Daddy told me to tell you I don't want to go to workout class" so I just validate D6's feelings and remind her of all the fun D6 and I have when we are together and ask her about what she would like to do next... I ache today. I am stronger than I have been in years, I am DBing my rear end off at home...I have not screwed up in weeks but GOD I ache today.


Me:39 W:33
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4mendmj Offline OP
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Was re-reading DR...first few chapters. Had a pen and paper out. Struggling so much with even writing small goals. Because the affair is still ongoing and spouse is gone literally 90% of the time, and believe nothing they say and less than 50% of what they do...what kind of goals can I even write down? I literally only have one currently. IT would be if W stayed home for an evening when I know she could have had plans and not just staying home out of lack of something better to do. But frankly, not only has that not happened in forever but it isn't even a small goal. It would be a monster step! It would be like the gates are opening and she was days away from stopping the affair.

I read somewhere else this morning something that truly stuck me..."See in an affair, you build in little habits to keep connected when you don't see the person. To keep it alive."

This is beyond true. W leaves every morning and they get coffee together. OW texts W every evening when W gets home from work to "make sure" there were no surprises waiting for W as I had tried an intervention and surprised her with "some big revelation/begging/pleading" a time or 3 a few months ago...so they literally have built in this checking on each other fail safe plan. WAW is literally consumed with this affair. I know each sitch is different but can I have some examples of small goals? I feel like I am working my tail off to DB yet I completely think I am missing something.

Already quit doing laundry and housework for her, money talk is coming up this week...I keep waiting but tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of BD from original discovery of EA...this has gone on a long time!


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
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