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Andy I just came out with a new welcome thread
I will give it to you for anything you might have missed.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Wow... looks like I have some light reading


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 94
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Thanks Cadet the couple of threads that I have just read have been super helpful. I think that is a great way to greet newbies. Personally speaking when I first came to the forum I felt overwhelmed and in a complete tailspin. I had picked up DR and was reading it, but there in the trenches I felt it was really hard to apply the concepts, while dodging spew balls. I wish I had read both the validating and the setting boundaries threads earlier on. They really put things in perspective.

Speaking of boundaries (and you all know I have struggled with this one both early on and now) I actually set and stood up for one today. It was met with spew, but in an effort to shake it off my spew coat I'm going to post it here:

A couple days ago it was discussed with the W about coming by to pick up some more of her things. She also tried to float at me the day she was moving out about staying at the house to watch our friends kid and along with me D5. This topic has come up numerous times and I have said no each time.... sometimes taking a few days to think about it. Well this morning I got a text about my W wanting to stop by to "pick up some toys for D5, to play with today" and wanted to know when I leave the house. I knew this was coming, and anticipated, so I told her when I usually leave but could hang around for a little extra if that would give her enough time to pick up the toys (and as I new some of her things too). That time came and as my W collected her things, she asked if I would be home this afternoon. I told her no, and then the inevitable question came "is it ok if i come by and pick up more of my things" (she needs to drop my D5 off at school which is right around the corner). My response "no", followed by me grabbing my spew coat cause here it came. Despite spew, and attempts to manipulate my emotions, I remained calm, offered her another time that she could come over when I was home, but remained firm on the no. WOOHOOO! win for me I actually enforced a boundary that has been pushed at repeatedly for almost a week. The house is now my kids and my space, she choose to leave and while I am sympathetic to her getting her things, it is our space now.

guys/gals this is a huge 180 for me, for the last year and a half I have just let all my boundaries be violated. I've complied, been a push over, and let me W manipulate me till I dropped one boundary after another. It became an accepted behavior, something that I have hated, and felt so disrespected about. The honest truth is that it was allowed by no one other then me. Over this whole ordeal I have blamed my W for disrespecting me... but again the truth is that it was me that allowed it. So 180 time, no sorry with all the due respect no you can not come over when I am not home. At first I let it get to me once I she had left, but now I'm feeling a lot better about it. This will go in the books as a win.

I was really worried that last night I was going to miss my kids terribly. I did, however something unexpected happened. It felt really good to have a night off, no one to be accountable to except myself. Over the last year that has been something else that I have sacrificed, my own space. In an effort to placate my W I have absorbed more and more of the responsibility for the kids. That allowed her to retreat into her own world. I later learned that that time taking a "nap" was really her laying in bed talking and messaging the various OM. Also when the kids did go to the grandparents so I had a break, the evenings were usually spent with my W texting OM. Last night was the first in a long time where it was just me, I ate what I wanted enjoyed watching what I wanted on TV, studying and relaxing. It was an unexpected perk.


M:34 W:34
D:8 D:5
M:10 T:15
BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14
PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
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Andy ! Good job! Does your W have a key to your house though? If so, change the locks. She has no right having access to your house. How did your girls handle their first night away from home?


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 94
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She does still have a key. But I received the kit to rekey the locks yesterday. I just didn't want to try and tackle it last night. I have a chem. exam in a few hours so a lot of things have been put on hold until I get through that smile And thanks Linda I felt kinda proud of myself when I wrote that post this morning... like I had finally taken a good step on the boundaries front. My kids seem to have handled it ok. At least they seemed happy when I FaceTimed with them last night. D5 was cheery when she came with my W to the house this morning. Tonight is night 2 so we will see how that goes. Of course my W bought them new toys... so between that and this is a new adventure for them that might have contributed to it. Honestly as long as they are happy and safe I'm good with it.


M:34 W:34
D:8 D:5
M:10 T:15
BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14
PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
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Originally Posted By: Andy125

Honestly as long as they are happy and safe I'm good with it.


Good luck on the chem exam! And I think that is a great outlook.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,970
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Organic chem was my favorite class in nursing school- how did you do on your test? What else are you taking - A&P? Pharmacology? And how did night 2 go? Did you do any GAL activities? How did the girls handle it?

Originally Posted By: Andy
I felt kinda proud of myself when I wrote that post this morning... like I had finally taken a good step on the boundaries front.

You have every right to feel proud of yourself! Setting boundaries and enforcing them was so difficult for me during my stand. I let so many things I had always assumed would be deal breakers for me in my marriage slide by for so long, in some kind of pitiful Pollyannish hope that my ex would wake up and realize on his own that what he was doing was wrong. He did not LOL.

The vets always reminded me that boundaries were meant to protect me, and had to be enforceable. So while I would have liked to tell my ex he had to stop his affair, I had no way to enforce that. My major boundary was that he could only skype the Russian Tramp (my pet name for his OW smile ) in his own bedroom. Not much of a boundary, I admit, but it helped me a lot to not have to hear them talking and giggling all over the house, bleeeech.

You are doing so well Andy. Do you see any other boundaries that would protect you and your girls?


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 94
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So today and honestly for the last couple of days I have been struggling with which way I should be taking things in respect to my marriage. I know that it has only been a week since she moved out, and that in the grand scheme of time my sitch has not been that long. As everyone has read from my posts I have certainly struggled with learning to detach, something that I almost equate to being addicted to a drug. I believe that on that front I have made some great strides, and am learning how negative an effect griping tighter and tighter was. I have also learned how sacrificing my boundaries, how the constant rolling over, never helped things in my marriage. In fact it probably helped to make things worse.

Now I hear the many of the people (my support group) screaming in my head "stop blaming myself. Stop taking all the responsibility". Don't get me wrong I'm not taking all of it, I'm just owning up to my part as a self reflection. That being said here is where my struggle is, I have had a few interactions with my W in the last 4 days. Mainly it has come as text messages, but a couple have been with her coming by the house to pick things up or drop off my D's. On Friday my W began texting me about needing some tools to hang a shelf. I tried to keep my distance by choosing not to respond right away to her messages. At one point she said "hanging shelves are not my strong suit". I think that would have been an opportunity to be a cheer leader to her and simply say "I know that you can do it" or something along those lines. I didn't I just simply left it as a basic response. Later on Sunday when she dropped the kids off she offered praise on the new chalkboard wall I had created for my D's. Again said thank you but didn't really go overboard or anything (I think at that moment I simply wanted her to drop the kids and go). My thoughts here are that right now I need to creat some distance, shes moved out, shes gone her choice. I need to focus on me and my own self worth/healing. Am I right on this line of thinking? or am I doing more damage? Honestly me detaching and not being at her beckon call is a 180 for me, and to go back to my drug analogy, its like someone "come on just a little bit, it will feel so good" I really looking for some guidance here. To answer the how am I doing question? I'm actually doing pretty good, kinda surprisingly. It [censored] and I have my moments.... but this isn't as terrible as I had thought it would be.

I'm really looking for some advice here, I don't want to make things worse from a marriage standpoint. After all the reason that I'm posting here is because I want to save my marriage, not at the expense of my own self-worth, but want to save it none the less.


M:34 W:34
D:8 D:5
M:10 T:15
BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14
PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: Andy125
My thoughts here are that right now I need to creat some distance, shes moved out, shes gone her choice.

I need to focus on me and my own self worth/healing.
Am I right on this line of thinking?
or am I doing more damage? Honestly me detaching and not being at her beckon call is a 180 for me, and to go back to my drug analogy, its like someone "come on just a little bit, it will feel so good" I really looking for some guidance here.

Yes you are correct in this line of thinking.

FOCUS on YOU, that is great advice for yourself.


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Dude? Marriage standpoint? Really? What marriage? In her eyes she left and marriage is non existant...

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