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Maybell #2536347 02/10/15 03:43 PM
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Do you have a weekend schedule?

One of the things I read is that kids need a predictable pattern for stability and security. If he can't do weeknights could he do every Friday night?

Rather than asking which night, could you start changing this (sorry if you already are) to...

'I would like you to look after the kids on x night this week'

Or

'If you wish to see the kids this week then it will be x night'

Or

H has a default night and you will only do that for him if he agrees a swap to another night of your choosing.

He might still let you down but their would be no ambiguity about it.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Maybell #2536348 02/10/15 03:46 PM
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Maybell,
You know I've struggled with this issue too. It was a big one during my M. But one thing I've realized is that I don't *have* to assume that it's on me. And I don't *have* to be mad that he has work stuff come up. What if you said something like:

-- I can tell it's hard to schedule things in advance because your work schedule is unpredictable. But it's important for the kids to have regular time with you, and I need to have regular time as well. The constantly changing schedule isn't working for me. Do you have any ideas for how we can make this work better for both of us? I have some thoughts, but I wanted to hear yours too."

Then, see what he says. Here are some options:

1) once a month set a schedule for the month. If he needs to change it, he has to *request* it. If you are unavailable, he has to figure it out (i.e. find and pay for a babysitter).

2) set a more permanent schedule and ask him to work on building his work plans around his parenting obligation. Again, changes are requested, not demanded, and sitter costs (even if you end up getting the sitter) are on him.

Have you figured out a parenting plan yet? My H and I are working with and mediator. This has helped me let go of resentment because I feel like I have a voice now. Get the financial aspect of who pays for the sitter into the agreement.

Thoughts?


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

jim0987 #2536349 02/10/15 03:47 PM
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He has them every other weekend.

I'll have to think about your suggestion. I'm not sure how I would carry it out. It's not like he's anxious to spend time with them. He rarely calls between weekends and certainly knows next to nothing about their lives anymore. He said this morning it's because I don't tell him what I need however, neither does he ask. I am not an employee.

Last edited by Maybell; 02/10/15 03:47 PM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2536350 02/10/15 03:49 PM
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Don't harbor resentment, maybell. Don't be a martyr. You are not his employee but you can still tell him what you need. Detach from the emotional part of it.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2536356 02/10/15 04:09 PM
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It doesn't matter how he feels about the kids. My WAW does her 50%, but seems to treat the kids like a task, not like people. She cares for them, keeps them alive, but she doesn't do any weekend activities (D6 told me they spend the entire time in the apartment) and on weeknights she only gets them from school to bed with pit stops at the table and bath. Not my problem: the kids need to see her. And it's her relationship with them. On my end, I try to make the week as special as possible and I reap the benefits in gratitude, love and attachment.

I agree with the suggestion to have a default day (permanent, not just this month) and if he wants to change, he needs your permission or to arrange something. I'd go more with jim0987's suggestion to just state what it is and not go into explanations. "For stability, let's agree on a set day every week. I suggest Mondays." Short works best. Paging Wonka!

Oh, his work doesn't allow such a thing? Tough luck. He's also a dad. It's a consequence of his past choices. If you follow my sitch, you know I've been clear with my WAW last week about the fact that she's living with the consequences of her choices and so am I. If he didn't want to be a dad, he had to think about it 12 years ago.

(Just me, but I'm surprised that he has them only one day a week. I can't recall how you agreed to this, but do you say yes to whatever he offers? Like you're the default caregiver and he can pick and choose wht he feels like doing? As I wrote, I told my WAW: "The kids need you" and that was the end of it. 50/50 it is.)

I find it very interesting that he's such a slacker at home and an overachiever at work. I'll think about it. You should also think about how these people get so much out of him and you get so little. How do they react when he fails them?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2536362 02/10/15 04:18 PM
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Also, Maybell.. look at what your anger and resentment is really about...
What do you think?


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2536387 02/10/15 04:51 PM
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My anger and resentment is about him walking away and living like he has no responsibilities outside the office and my sacrificing way more than my share to compensate for him being a self-absorbed jerk. He does not have the means to find a babysitter and is absolutely not above just ignoring that request (or telling me to tell him who to call) if he finds he can't be personally involved with his children.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2536396 02/10/15 05:14 PM
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Quote:
He does not have the means to find a babysitter and is absolutely not above just ignoring that request (or telling me to tell him who to call) if he finds he can't be personally involved with his children.


He does have the means just zero inclination. Care.com works quite well and I'm sure he has access to a computer. Beyond that, he can figure it out. He's so capable at work, problem solving for a babysitter he can do. The hard part is, stepping back and making yourself unavailable to help so he DOES IT.

You're incredibly brilliant, Maybell, and I don't say that just to flatter you. He's an absolute fool in more ways than one but he's not going to pick up the role of dad if you're always there to supplement, right? This might be something to hash out with attorneys.

Specific days, you get the right of first refusal if he can't directly care for them, if you have other plans, the care of the kids with a reputable care-taker is HIS responsibility.

In my sitch, H is currently technically unemployed so he's around and available quite a bit. This makes child care easier for sure. Once he gets a gig though, and it's only a matter of time until that happens, he becomes MIA immediately. Twenty-hour work days for MONTHS. I am NOT ok with my daughter sitting in a corner of his studio attached to an ipad for all hours of his "time with her". No. He can either hire a nanny, at his own expense (his parents will not be approved by me to care for her as in their care she was once discovered on the ROOF of their home and you better believe that will be written down in a legal agreement that he will have to sign) if I am unable to care during "his time". *I* am not going to hire that nanny. *I* am not going to schedule the babysitter. That's his problem.

If he wants you to "tell him who to call" just say, "the child development program at the local university probably has great candidates". Done. The end.

He has to take responsibility for his choices. If he chooses not to be in the kids' lives in a way that is consistent and predictable for them and reasonable and consistent for you then that is HIS choice that he has to live and reap the consequences of. YOUR power falls in getting out of his way.

He does not need a babysitter himself (by that i mean the position he places you in by telling you to tell him who to call for babysitting services). Treat him like the adult he is.

Last edited by Ss06; 02/10/15 05:14 PM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Ss06 #2536420 02/10/15 06:07 PM
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Maybell- You've gotten lots of great suggestions here. I hope some of them work for you and help. I guess I'm a little jaded and feel like the WAS is going to do whatever the heck they want no matter what we say (even when they "agree" out of convenience and lack of desire to have a discussion). In fact, its sort of become one of the mantras that runs through my head "STBX is going to do whatever the heck he wants, no matter what I say or what he says to me." I recognize that I am fortunate that the one of the few thing my STBX is good about is always keeping the kid commitments (which are only 6 days a month- maximum). However any kind of co-parenting is off the table. He's going to be fun dad, who plays with them the entire time he has them, ignores bedtime and returns them in an exhausted state to school. Why? Because he thinks that is what's important (and who knows, maybe it is). All I can do is mitigate the situation as best as I can by making sure all homework is done before they go to his house and that they get a little extra sleep beforehand.

So- On an entirely practical note - I would make sure to review this with your attorney. If you can foresee this happening in future years (and it sounds like you do), I would hope you can get some sort of "penalty" in your agreement that he has to compensate you for days missed with additional child support (so that you can hire a babysitter if necessary without added financial hardship).

Sorry - I know it's rough.

Last edited by raliced; 02/10/15 06:11 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
raliced #2536503 02/10/15 08:36 PM
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Maybell,

I haven't deserted you. I've been out of the office, and my laptop at home crashed. It's been nuts around here.

This is quick because it's still nuts.

But just want to chime in. First of all, I don't think your e-mail was out of line. Your H conveniently uses excuses to manipulate people and situations to benefit him. This will probably harm him long term, but it hurts you and the kids in the interim.

I have to say, I think I'd go for full custody of those kids. I hope you're documenting all of his excuses? And I'd also ask for child support commensurate with being the custodial parent with little parenting relief (maybe set it up for 1 day out of 14?). That way, *you* can hire a sitter when you need one, let him pay for it, and offer him a few days here and there when it suits you and the kids' schedules. Understand this one, sweetie. You've already been doing this. Your parenting time has very little structure and commitment to routine. So I'm afraid that I'd have to go for a routine that best suits the rest of the family.

My business partner has a saying that is 100% true and it's constantly running through the back of my mind; it applies to you as well:

The needs of many outweigh the needs of a few or one.

In your case, the "many" are your kids and you; the one is your H. The needs of your family unit need to take center stage. If he's not helping the cause, he's hurting it.

This is kind of the "penalty" I think raliced was thinking. Instead of trying to go get money after the fact, set it up so that you get it up front, and can revise it down the road if he has a more predictable schedule. My guess is all of a sudden, he'll find the consistency. If not? Then you acknowledge the job you're already doing and get compensation for having a complete a*hole for a WAH.

Sorry too.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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