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Joined: Oct 2014
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UpperCu Offline OP
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Previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2496690&page=all

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2509227&page=all

Well I guess I'm in a new chapter of my story. W has gotten a short term job working with OM's boss so she is moving to OM's city. I'm staying dark and only initiating conversations related to business. I sent W an email acknowledging she restarted the affair and telling her I could no longer support her in any way while she blatantly disrespects myself, our family, and our marriage by continuing the affair. She hasn't responded and hasn't acknowledged that I know the affair is ongoing.

She previously was pushing the idea that the affair was over and attempting to convince me I was crazy for thinking otherwise. I've maintained a few sources of Intel to verify the truth since the affair and that has helped me to steer clear of deception. W was a very honest and open person before the A, but has turned into a habitual liar on many things, big or small. She has also become an alcoholic, going to bars nearly every night of the week. Occasionally visiting strip clubs. She has cut off contact with many friends who have attempted to support our marriage by showing W tough love. Her fathers side of the family keeps in regular contact with me, they happen to be very successful and reasonable, down to earth folks. Before the affair W looked up to all of them and pursued the career path she is in as a result of interests she shares with them & after much encouragement from them. Now that her career choices are taking her down this path, their support seems to be fading.

I've become very involved in my local church, play on a basketball team, meet with several friends, mentors, a pastor, and a therapist regularly. I'm going back to school for an advanced degree as well. I've been working out regularly and finding new hobbies.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. As I get closer, it's looking like W won't be a part of it, although I'm still open to reconciling under certain conditions. I know I will be okay even though things aren't going the way I want them to. I'm trusting that God has a plan through all this and I'm attempting to make shrewd decisions all along the way.

I'm thankful for this forum and many close friends, family, and wise counselors for carrying me this far. For all of you just in the first days, weeks, months after your own DDay, let me tell you it DOES get better over time IF you follow the advice to get a life, emotionally detach from your spouse, and let go of controlling the outcome of your situation. Yes it still hurts, but start building your new life now that will survive regardless of your spouse's decisions.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
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I am very sorry to hear but also good to hear you set yourself a boundary regarding reconciliation and that you are not longer going to support her.

It's so hurtful to read, how the other person can change so much for the bad, in the meantime you become better, but you'd wish the other way around smirk

Only time can teach a lesson. And it will. Not today, not in a year...but it will!

Stay strong and keep going. Keep loving!


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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UpperCu Offline OP
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Emailed back and forth with W yesterday. It was pretty cold and started to become negative as we talked about who gets what. I stopped emailing and offered to call later that night since it seemed we were in disagreement on a few things. We talked for about 45 minutes. I kept things positive and talked little about myself and asked about her new job, new car, christmas, etc. We agreed to swap some furniture around in our agreement because she wanted another piece.

She raised a concern about the fact that I've stayed in touch with her family (uncle/grandparents) and that I may visit them while I'm in their area next month. I told her they had all contacted me multiple times and wouldn't take no for an answer on visiting. She rattled off a saying she heard that "when you break up with someone you break up with their family too." She is seriously thinking divorce is like a breakup? We don't have kids, but wow. She talks like she just can't wait until she is free from me and the burden of being married. Like it was not a big deal she was married at all, or that she has fallen victim to marriage. I clearly remember the last seven years and she was adamant about getting married. Sure, she had some doubts here and there about timing and the future, but she pushed things right along. It's clear that she is rewriting history in her head.

She told me she doesn't have an attorney and isn't planning on getting one. For as eager as she seems to be divorced, it seems she doesn't want to do the work to get things written up. I'm meeting with the attorney early next week.

She is coming over with some friends and a moving van tomorrow, prayers appreciated...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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W is headed over soon to move out the rest of her stuff with a couple friends. Then she is moving out of state tomorrow to start a new job.

Any ideas on what to say?

She has been rude and inconsiderate the past couple times we've interacted. I might not see her in person again unless we have to interact when the D is finalized this time next year. Hoping I can keep my cool and not go to her level bickering about small stuff.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Sorry, UC, I'm just seeing this.

How are you? How did things go?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Hey UC

Just be friendly but detached. Keep it formal. I wouldn't ask how she is or anything. You try and be upbeat as hard as that is. If she wants to act the way she is there is nothing you can do about that. I think that's what we all struggle with in that we cant control that other person no matter how ridiculous what they're doing seems. They don't want to hear it from us. In their minds they are 100% right in what they are doing. crazy


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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UpperCu Offline OP
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Thanks for checking in. Things went well. There was no drama, she packed up and moved out all her things with help from a couple friends. I was making dinner when she stopped by and she commented on that asking if I'd been cooking more often (she usually made dinner before DDay). Told her I had to eat or else I would die. Lol

Trying not to read too much into anything from last night because I know being there, moving, packing, seeing me, etc. probably was a lot for her to take in all at once. But at one point I handed her a couple of bibles on a bookshelf she hadn't packed. She offered to give them to me since she already had others. I said they're hers and it's her choice what to do with them. She walked out to the dumpster and threw them away. Sigh.

When she left, we hugged goodbye. She said, "well I guess this will be the last time we see each other for awhile." Reminded me of how she said she left things with OM...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Its tough. Im not at this point yet and only had BD a week ago but viewing another house today nearly brought me to tears. It was no where near as nice as ours.
I did feel though that I want out. Just start my own life over. emotions swing wildly

Last edited by SRD; 01/23/15 05:56 PM.

Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
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UpperCu Offline OP
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W should be getting copies of our separation agreement in the mail this week for her signature.

It's been 5 months since the affair started. W is now living down the street from OM and carpooling to work with him. She hasn't made contact with me for anything but separation stuff in the past few weeks.

Saw W's grandparents over the weekend and it turns out they know about the A. Grandma said W called her sobbing a couple months ago saying we were separated, but grandma didn't believe what she heard and that the truth eventually "came out." W's whole family is very conciliatory about the sitch so I assume they all know the truth and are all talking.

It has gotten easier for me day to day, but this is all still painful. I'm still trying to move on while continuing to pray for W and our M. Hope in the R is hard to maintain when there is no interaction with W. She lives in another state now so the idea of her coming back to the M seems even more unrealistic now than before.

I'm contemplating some big decisions now for my next steps - selling/renting the house, returning to graduate school, and possibly moving to another state.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
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Originally Posted By: UpperCu
W should be getting copies of our separation agreement in the mail this week for her signature.

It's been 5 months since the affair started. W is now living down the street from OM and carpooling to work with him. She hasn't made contact with me for anything but separation stuff in the past few weeks.

Saw W's grandparents over the weekend and it turns out they know about the A. Grandma said W called her sobbing a couple months ago saying we were separated, but grandma didn't believe what she heard and that the truth eventually "came out." W's whole family is very conciliatory about the sitch so I assume they all know the truth and are all talking.

It has gotten easier for me day to day, but this is all still painful. I'm still trying to move on while continuing to pray for W and our M. Hope in the R is hard to maintain when there is no interaction with W. She lives in another state now so the idea of her coming back to the M seems even more unrealistic now than before.

I'm contemplating some big decisions now for my next steps - selling/renting the house, returning to graduate school, and possibly moving to another state.


Bingo!

It's all about you now. Sobbing on or waiting for the wife is not necessarily a wise move, and she decided to be his wife.

You have a lot of great things you can accomplish with your life.

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