I would like to explain my situation to see if I can get some advice. I’ve bought Michelle’s book and I’m waiting for it to arrive. Husband and I have been married for 7 years and since he’s an explosive specialist in the Marines, have gone through 5 deployments. We have a 4 y.o. little girl and I can’t begin to explain how hard the years of deployments have been on all of us. I have dealt with various bouts of depression and I have reasons to believe my husband is currently dealing with PTSD, a drinking problems and perhaps depression as well.
He deployed in April of 2014 and during the deployment everything seemed normal, we would facetime often and he was even talking about us trying for another child when he returned. Up until the day he returned it seemed everything was fine, we were planning a vacation shortly after he got back. I noticed upon his return that he was drinking a bit more than usual, but I figured he was just enjoying his vacation. Then on 11/22 out of the blue, he tells me that he can’t continue to fake it anymore. That he wants to divorce, that he loves me but isn’t IN love with me. Furthermore that he’s never loved me, that when we married he thought it would be easy to grow to love me. This was earth shattering for me, but I didn’t break down, and confessed to him that on many occasions I had dreamed of the freedom that divorce might bring, but that I hadn’t because of our daughter. He seemed upset by this and said that it just went to show what a horrible husband and father he is, and that he will never be any good. I finally started crying when I thought of my daughter and then my tears seemed to anger him.
A few days after he dropped this bomb I found out via Facebook that he had been talking to a female Marine who was deployed with him. When I confronted him about her, he denied an affair but said that she reminded him of his high school sweetheart and that he wanted to feel that IN love and happy feeling he had back then. During the following days he kept pressuring for us to see a mediator, we never got around to it. However during this time, maybe because of all the raw emotions, we were intimate a lot and his reactions and responses were not those of a man who has never been in love.
A few days later he flew out of state to visit his parents, they, specially his mother, were very upset about the news. While there, he called me every night to talk and so he could talk to our daughter. He mentioned that he missed home, I assumed he meant the weather, but he said that wasn’t what he was talking about. When he returned we both seemed to be very kind to each other and did various things with our daughter together. He then had to travel out of state again since his grandfather passed away.
Upon his return he made a joke about alimony which shook me noticeably, then he said, if I didn’t want to we didn’t have to talk about that anymore. At this point, I was almost sure he had changed his mind. Some days later I found an apartment application and he moved out of our home into an apartment, saying that sex wasn’t enough.
Since then we’ve texted quite a bit and he calls almost every evening to speak to our daughter and me as well. When he came by our house to pick up his mail, he said that we should hug goodbye, so he hugged and kissed me on the cheek. This believe it or not, made my chest ache but angered me. Then I made the mistake of telling him that him and I shouldn’t see each other or talk to each other unless it had to do with our daughter. I was angry and upset about what he was doing to our family as well as feeling like he was treating me like his granny. He seemed to take this really hard and we didn’t text after that for a few days. This however, was upsetting my daughter that we weren’t talking to each other so it was short lived. Last night he called to speak to our daughter but she was ill and sleeping so we just spoke for a while. He kept yawning so I told him I’d let him go to sleep, he changed the topic and we spoke a little longer, then I said goodnight. This seemed to anger him.
I’ve read tons of advice online and I’m anxiously waiting for Michelle’s book. In the mean time I’ve been exercising, working on my emotional health, spending time with friends and family and want to start doing things I’ve never done or haven’t done in a long time, in an attempt to heal some of the damage our stressful marriage caused my self- esteem. Despite everything though, I love my husband and I don’t want a divorce. Unfortunately we’re both fairly insecure people. While he may have pulled the trigger on the divorce gun, I did more than my share to load it.
He’s only been moved out for a little over 2 weeks and it feels like there’s a gaping, burning hole in my chest. I’m willing to fight for us, but I also can’t live in limbo forever; it’s torture. Also, although he’s only 36, I swear he’s having a mid-life crisis.
I'm sorry this is so long, any advice would be appreciated.
Hi Loli04, I'm really new here and only read Michele's book 2 weeks ago so I'm not sure how much help I can be but I'll try.
First I'll suggest you move this post over to the 'newcomers' forum, which seems to see a lot more activity.
Second, I know 2 weeks feels like a long time when you're in it and it's awful being stuck in limbo, but from what I've seen/read that's not long at all, and it takes a lot of people months to get things back on track. Almost all my friends told me after a month that it was 'too long to be in limbo' and I should give up, but it didn't feel right to me, and I'm so glad I found Michele's book and this forum. You'll see when you read the book that it's a long process.
First things first, it's really good you're taking care of yourself. You said you realised you did your fair share - what did you contribute? And how can you change?
As far as the mid life crisis, it is possible. In the book Michele states they can occur as early as 35 (my husband is only 28 but I have thought he was having some sort of mid life crisis! I think it's more identity crisis though). There's a section in Divorce Remedy that deals with mid life crises.
My advice for now would be: -read the book (there's a link to the first chapter on this forum if you want to make a start) -think about what YOU can change, and how you've contributed, and actions you can take to change. You mentioned you're insecure, maybe you can start by working on this? -carry on doing this for yourself and getting out
Good luck and hang in there. Also there are some success stories around the forum, which I found really helpful to read. They gave me hope!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Thank you for the reply. I just got the book last night and I'm about 1/3 through it. I'm now glaringly aware of the many ways I contributed to this. Being critical, negative, insecure and always having to prove I'm right. I've been working on those things already. Each night I talk to him I'm cheerful and agreeable, some days he seems to love it and also gets cheerful, some days, like last night it seems to throw him off and for lack of a better word, really piss him off. I almost felt like he was trying to pick a fight last night. I didn't let myself get pulled into it though.
Don't give up! I think Michele says in the book that sometimes they might get angry so I think that's a normal reaction. Just keep trying different things and see what works. Think of it as an experiment. Just think of how to do a 180 on each individual way that you contributed. Is there anything specific he complained about, any problems he brought up?
For example, some 180s: critical - you could compliment him and thank him for stuff he does (for example if he does something around the house).
Negative - continue being positive, optimistic and upbeat. Make some jokes and have a good time!
Insecure - "act as if" you are confident (and also work on boosting your self-confidence)
Always have to be right - well done on not getting sucked into the fight, carry on with this and don't take his bait! I have this problem too! Here's what I'm trying to do (sometimes with more success than others): If you disagree with him on something, walk away or take a deep breath before you answer to gather your thoughts. If it's not a big deal, let it go. If it is something you think you need to discuss, tell him calmly your view and explain your reasoning. Don't push your view on him, and ask calmly and non-judgmentally ask him why he thinks what he does. This is hard for me but I figure it's really worth it because it's something I'd like to learn in general in life. Someone recommended me a book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I've just started it but I hope it's going to help with my need to 'win' arguments!
You also need to get out/GAL ("get a life", another concept from the book). What was it that attracted him to you that you might not be doing anymore? And what makes you happy? If you've stopped painting, for example, take it up again. Connect with friends and family and find time to go out with them. Take up a new hobby you've always wanted to try!
Let us know how it goes!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
It's funny how each day is different. Yesterday was rough, today I feel better.
I'm working on GAL, I've got things planned with my daughter this weekend. I'm going to take up archery, which I've always wanted to do. I'm also planning on starting my masters which should occupy my time so that it's not on my mind all the time.
Last night he text me to tell me he wouldn't be able to call that night to speak to our D4. Naturally I was wondering why, I didn't ask though. At least he was considerate enough to text me.
When he met me I was at one of the best points in my life, I had finished my degree after working ft and going to school ft at night. I had been accepted to grad school and I was happy and proud of myself. 5 deployments during war certainly took their toll. I got to get back to who I was.
I'm glad you're feeling better today. It really is like a rollercoaster with a lot of ups and downs...
That sounds really positive! Enjoy your weekend. And taking up a new hobby is a great idea.
Well done for not questioning why. If that was one of the best points in your life it sounds like starting your masters is a good starting place for getting you back to that place. Take care.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Today was promising. He came over to spend some time with our D4. We had lunch together, flew a kite and just talked and laughed. He spent a few hours here until he had to go. As he was leaving he hugged me goodbye and told me how good my hair smelled. I was shocked and not expected by that at all. My husband is not a person who gives compliments readily; in fact he's never said that before. I'm trying to just take it at face value but it did strike me as different.
Today was promising. He came over to spend some time with our D4. We had lunch together, flew a kite and just talked and laughed. He spent a few hours here until he had to go. As he was leaving he hugged me goodbye and told me how good my hair smelled. I was shocked and not expected by that at all. My husband is not a person who gives compliments readily; in fact he's never said that before. I'm trying to just take it at face value but it did strike me as different.
What do you think you did differently or how did you act differently that made the whole interaction more positive? Identify what you think worked and keep doing that! Remember small, consistent changes are what it takes. And hope you are getting out and doing activities you enjoy. Remember to make changes for you, and your happiness (not with him in mind).
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Well, I think I blew it last night. He called 2xs to FaceTime with us but I missed the call and called him approx 16 mins later. His reception was rather cold. Our daughter was sleeping anyhow so he wouldn't be able to talk to her. We spoke for a while, a bit over an hour, and he lightened up a bit. I think I blew it though since i made a comment about an acquiantance of his not being the best person to go to for advice since the guy is an alcoholic. I realize this was a mistake. He became almost confrontational after that. I didn't get pulled into an argument. His parents argued non stop when he was a kid and it's almost like he craves confrontation. He also seemed slightly annoyed that I'm getting out and im upbeat and easy going. I feel exhausted from his moodiness. Maybe I won't talk to him tonight and I'll just let my daughter chat with him. He always has a smile for her.
Well, I think I blew it last night. He called 2xs to FaceTime with us but I missed the call and called him approx 16 mins later. His reception was rather cold. Our daughter was sleeping anyhow so he wouldn't be able to talk to her. We spoke for a while, a bit over an hour, and he lightened up a bit. I think I blew it though since i made a comment about an acquiantance of his not being the best person to go to for advice since the guy is an alcoholic. I realize this was a mistake. He became almost confrontational after that. I didn't get pulled into an argument. His parents argued non stop when he was a kid and it's almost like he craves confrontation. He also seemed slightly annoyed that I'm getting out and im upbeat and easy going. I feel exhausted from his moodiness. Maybe I won't talk to him tonight and I'll just let my daughter chat with him. He always has a smile for her.
Hi Loli, don't worry, we all have better and worse days, and days where we backslide. Now that you know you shouldn't have said his friend wasn't a good person to go to for advice, what are you going to do next time? It's really important not to criticise. But don't worry, we all backslide sometimes - just take this as a lesson for next time. What happened yesterday, did he call?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
