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This can't be the end! #2 #2531393
01/27/15 10:17 AM
01/27/15 10:17 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
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Barry Offline OP
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Barry  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Morning all,
I don't know when to make a new thread so I'll make one now i guess?

Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...219#Post2531219

Just a small update this morning to say I'm feeling a bit better, not really because of any changes, just that I'd worked myself into such a state on Sunday that I felt completly drained yesterday. I looked terrible so tried to get some sleep earlier than usual.

That particular dip on the coaster was a real gut-churner!

I'm taking at least 2 of the kids bowling tonight (awaiting confirmation on a 3rd), D15 not coming as she's invited her boyfriend round for dinner with her and W. Gutted I'm missing that TBH, but I can't change it. I did text W to say I was inviting the kids to go bowling (more so she didn't make them dinner as we'll eat out) and asked her if she wanted to come too - not to talk about R at all, just for some fun. I made it clear that we would be going either way.

She say she wouldn't, she's out running this evening and then obviously having dinner with D15. I just said ok and left it at that.

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! #2 [Re: Barry] #2531959
01/28/15 07:37 PM
01/28/15 07:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,306
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Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Posts: 13,306
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Originally Posted By: Barry
I don't know when to make a new thread so I'll make one now i guess?
You had 90 posts on your last thread and they ask you to start a new one at 100.

So welcome to your new thread.

New threads bring change.
Hope yours is in a positive direction, keeping the
focus on YOU!


Me-67, D34,S33
Re: This can't be the end! #2 [Re: Barry] #2532207
01/29/15 02:13 PM
01/29/15 02:13 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,148
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theoden Offline
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Barry,

there's a post from me on your last thread that just showed up, since this thread is under moderation.




Re: This can't be the end! #2 [Re: Cadet] #2532212
01/29/15 02:32 PM
01/29/15 02:32 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Train Offline
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Train  Offline
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Checking in, Barry. Give us an update when you can. smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: This can't be the end! #2 [Re: Cadet] #2532224
01/29/15 03:35 PM
01/29/15 03:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
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Barry Offline OP
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Barry  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Thanks for linking the old/new threads Cadet.
There were a few posts on my old one after I made this so for those that are avidly following my sitch, here's the link..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2531819&page=10

Thanks Toots and Theoden for your input on the list I made. I see what you mean about the "never" part in No.4 - ("Never again will I open my heart to anyone the way I have previously"). I agree that it should probably be more like "It will take time and effort to trust anyone again". It just doesn't feel that way right now.

Sorry everyone, I'd love to be able to just post about myself and my future on this new thread but I can't at the moment.
That day will come, but as it stands (and as sad and pathetic as it sounds) I'm really finding it hard to envisage a future without my W.

There's no change at all in my sitch. My W wouldn't notice (or probably care either) if I disappeared in a puff of smoke.
In fact, it feels like she would probably throw a party.

The most frustrating thing for me is that we've been together all of our adult lives, she's the mother of my children and after everything we've been through, all the hardships and good times, to treat me like this is obviously a deliberate attempt to goad me into feeling anger towards her so that it makes the whole process easier (for her).

Don't get me wrong, I do have a spine, and balls. It's more that I know anger won't help the situation any more than the begging, pleading, crying etc won't. The more time goes by with us being S though, the higher the chance of an OM coming along becomes.
I'm not a violent man, but I am capable of it and I'm worried I won't be able to control myself if/when that happens.
I'm certainly much more likely to get like that rather than sit back and let some guy F*** my wife whilst they laugh at me.

More than anything, It's her indifference to the whole sitch that's killing me right now.
She doesn't want to see me, speak to me, text me, message by carrier pigeon/smoke signals...nothing.

I know I can't because it's pursuing and it'll push her away even more (that's not actually possible), but all I can think about it asking her to meet with me so I can be with her, even if for only a few moments. I haven't initiated any contact at all either.

I'm (STILL!!) waiting for DB to come in the post, but I've read on this forum several times to "Do what works". This radio silence is clearly not working, she's just forgetting about me and hoping that I forget about her and our M and "get over it".
It'll be 6 weeks on Friday since BD, in which time we've had little to no contact and hardly spoken about the R or M at all.

My questions for today are, how long should this go on for before doing something different, and what should that be?
Is there anything I CAN actually do, apart from just moving on and writing off all my hopes and dreams?

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! #2 [Re: Barry] #2532234
01/29/15 04:01 PM
01/29/15 04:01 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
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Barry Offline OP
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Barry  Offline OP
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Posts: 194
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I should add that all of the above is just for you guys. Outwardly, I'm being the confident, strong person I should be!

And Hi Train, thanks for checking in on me smile
Still having up and down days to be honest.

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! #2 [Re: Barry] #2532244
01/29/15 04:24 PM
01/29/15 04:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
Florida
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hjoseph Offline
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Barry,
I am new here and not as knowledgeable as the veterans like Train, Sandi and Starsky. However, I have been reading theirs posts for months and the consistent message has been to give yourself time, this is not for her but for you and what you need to do will be counterintuitive to what you want to do.

We all understand what you are going through for we've been there. Don't focus so much to what W is doing and what she might be thinking. It will drive you insane and of course to where DB/DR is taking you.

To answer your concerns:
-The W you knew is gone. Your past with her is the past. She does not care about what you guys been through together. She is focused on her future and so should you.
-W is sending you clear signals through her actions. She does not need to make it explicit nor does she want to. You need to reply back to the messages/signals she is sending you with actions of your own. I call it mental jiu jitsu.
-To reiterate the veterans, the skills you will learn here will change you and not her. It will change how you interact with her and that will change the way she interacts with you because she is not used to the new you. She is expecting you to react or act like how you've always had in the past.

You asked what to do different. I hate to say this, but situation will dictate what you need to do. Do the basic until you notice the changes in her caused by the changes you've made to yourself. You will notice that your actions will cause her to come closer to you. Found out which action caused that by monitoring and continue to do what works.

The skills thought here will lead you feel like the Barry before M or close to it. Independent and confident Barry. You will cease to wonder about W. You will start enjoying your new life and other women will take notice of your confidence. You might even start feeling attracted to other women. Everyone around you will notice the new you. Your W will notice and she might even be attracted to the new you. W might even ask herself : did I make the right choice by leaving my H?

This is marathon and not a sprint. Continue the course and good luck.

Disclaimer: I maybe way off base. I am a newbie. I am still learning from the vets. They might even correct some of what I said.


Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
Asked for D 1/09/15
Re: This can't be the end! #2 [Re: hjoseph] #2532247
01/29/15 04:35 PM
01/29/15 04:35 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
Florida
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hjoseph Offline
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hjoseph  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
Florida
We all love our W's or we would not be here. We all could not see a life without them when we were hurting. R and piecing is not guaranteed. The changes in you will prepare you for what may happen. It maybe to make you a better H for someone else.

My motto through my sitch has been: If W does not want me back, I will be the person that will make her regret not giving me a second chance.


Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
Asked for D 1/09/15
Re: This can't be the end! #2 [Re: hjoseph] #2532524
01/30/15 02:42 AM
01/30/15 02:42 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
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Barry Offline OP
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Barry  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Hi all,

Spoke to W tonight funnily enough.

S18's brakes failed in his car tonight (he had the car booked into the garage on the morning to get them fixed). He's ok, but narrowly avoided a crash by managing to rub the tyres against the kerb to slow the car down - he wasn't going high speed. W sent me a long text saying about it, but I wanted to talk to her about it to make sure he was ok obviously.

We talked about the incident and I offered to let him have my car (small car and he's a young driver - the UK insurance costs are crazy for teen drivers on anything bigger than mine). I was getting a new one soon anyway just for a change but he needs one now and his has had enough money spent on it.
Besides that, I will now cycle (as I used to) to work which is about 50 miles per week...all helps in my training for the big ride sometime in the future smile.

We were both pleasant enough during the call, but as it's been a while, I just said towards the end that it was nice to hear her voice. She said thanks, and I asked her if she thought it was a good idea if we started to talk more instead of just texting. I said I would prefer that, especially if it's important things like the above (I don't want to be toldy S18 has crashed his car by text) I didn't say that.

She said she knows that we need to start to communicate. I left it there, told her to get S18 to look at car insurance tomorrow, said goodnight and ended the call.

It was good to speak to her. I have no expectations in any way but it's a step, however small. I was more pleased with how I conducted the call to be honest.
I was confident, concise, suggestive on how to resolve the problem with a minimum of fuss, asked the right (open) questions to get her to speak. I was conscious not to make her feel like I was stalling on the last part to keep her there, and I ended the call well.

I reall felt like a DB'r for the first time tonight. smile

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Re: This can't be the end! #2 [Re: Barry] #2532854
01/30/15 10:47 PM
01/30/15 10:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
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Barry Offline OP
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Barry  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
UK
Even though I shouldn't care, I'm fairly sure that W is out on the town tomorrow night with her friend. This is the same friend (of mine as well apparantly) who I confided in last week. Of course, she told W everything I said the vindictive [censored] [censored]. I'm not going to bother trying to use this to my advantage at the moment by feeding only info I want to get back. I'm so angry that she told her absolutly everything that I don't want to speak to her at all right now. Probably for the best.

It's not that she's going out that bothers me per se, I've never really had a problem with that as it was only every couple of months that she would do it.
It wasn't like it was a weekly event.

It's that she'll be out, drunk probably, at 3am, in a club, with no wedding ring on, guys trying to dance with her and "pull" her, and with her feeling free and liberated from me and our marriage. I'm not saying she will go off with the first guy she sees, it's more that it's an opportunity to meet someone.

I liken it to keep taking a child into a sweet shop, and although they say they don't want any sweets right now....

Anyway, without stalking her myself or hiring a Private Investigator, I'm never going to know what she gets up to now, and frankly, it's not my concern.
No one wants to be made a fool of though.

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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