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Barry my h stopped wearing his ring a few months before bd and after a few weeks I took mine off too. No discussion about it or anything which I regret now.

Glad you had a good time with your friends. Take care.


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
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My wife took her rings off just before bd a week ago. It was just another breadcrumb. She kept leaving clues until it was so obvious what was going on. Almost like she wanted me to find out she was that careless. Don't sweat about the rings as painful as it is. In her mind she stopped wearing them a long time ago. I still wear mine because I'm still married. I will continue to until we're not or I feel like we're not.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Barry Offline OP
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Bad day today emotionally.
I visited our mutual best friends and completely broke down.
This mask of showing strength is too much to bear.

It really does feel like our M is over and she's cut me out like a cancerous tumour. There's no love for me in her any more, just undeserved bitterness and resentment. I'm so sad right now, I miss my W and family so much.

Sorry to those that think I'm coming along in leaps and bounds, I'm really not.

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Barry. No one expects you to come on in leaps and bounds. This is your W your talking about. The one person you could rely on , the person you gave your heart too. If you came on in leaps and bounds it would hardly show love from you. It's a tough road and we all take it at our own pace.

Your world has been rocked but you will come out the other side Take care and just do what you can to cope at your own pace. Rd

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Barry,

Remember this: It's *progress*. NOT perfection.

You've done great this week. So you've had a bad day? Okay. That's expected! Your world is upside down right now. No one would expect you to be strong all the time. But you are working on strengthening yourself each time you have a good moment or just feel strong for a minute. Yep. Even just for a minute. One of my mentors once said to me: "One day at a time. And when that feels to burdensome, think: One MOMENT at a time."

Everyone here thought their WAS was "too far gone." I thought it when my H left for OW. Both times. But we are back together and have a stronger M now than we have *ever* had. Others here may not end up with their M. But of the people who have stuck around on these boards and healed, I haven't seen one that stays "stuck" in sadness forever. In fact, because of the self-work they've done, they are happier than they've ever been.

Trust the process. It's working even when you don't feel like it. This is a marathon. Not a sprint.

And we are here for you to vent to so that you can show your stronger side to the "real world." Okay?

We are behind you.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
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(The reason GAL is so important - and the reason it WORKS - is because it makes you feel stronger, more confident, more positive, for a longer-than-usual period of time during these crappy times. That's why we want to see you fill up your GAL calendar. I promise it gets more bearable in time, Barry. Just hang in there.)


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
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Hi,
Just wanted to talk about why yesterday was so difficult.

I had to pick up my D15 yesterday from home and Wís car wasnít there. I needed to get a coat and a couple of items of clothing Iíd left behind so I went in whilst W was ďapparentlyĒ at the local supermarket. I got my coat, then went up to the bedroom to get my clothes. Sheís got all new bedding etc, and put our wedding photo down the side of the bed.
I went into one of the bedside drawers to get something of mine (we have just the one set of them), but I have to admit that I opened one of hers which has her ďspecial occasionĒ nightwear shall I say in it amongst other things. I knew it was a bad idea.
Itís all been moved around in there like sheís been wearing it, and it sure isnít for me. D15 was snooping around upstairs as well so I couldnít look any further.

As I was driving D15 into the local town, W passed me coming the other way...miles away from any supermarket she would use.

My D15 was a bit nasty to me in the car, so I asked her not to be horrible to me when I only get to see them every few days for a short time. I explained that I wanted it to be quality time. She was saying that I was out a lot too so it wasn't their (the kids) fault that we didn't see each other much. I told her that I was never too far away, only either in the gym or at friends locally and that whenever any of them wanted to spend time with me, to just call or text and I'll come back. I told her I can't just sit around my parents house waiting for the next time that any of them feel like seeing me. I said that I was just trying to do what her Mum was asking me to do in GAL and keeping busy, and that it was good for me too (I know W is thinking that by me GAL, it's going to help me come to terms with the fact that our M is over so that when the final blow comes, I'll be in a better place. I often wonder if she has a copy of DB somewhere!!)

In the end, D15 was ok with what we talked about and said she understands all of the above.

When I dropped D15 home, I went back to my parents house and W's BF (best friend) was outside her house (she lives right across the road) and she invited me in for a cup of tea. I did, and ended up begging her to swear to me if W had an OM (either way) whilst sobbing my heart out. She said that she hasnít got one and that if she (the BF) did know about one, she would get W to tell me about it. Iím really not so sure thatís true, those two will lie each other up and take it to the grave.

(Whilst at the BF's house, I recieve a polite text from W saying that she "would prefer me not going into the bedroom whilst she's not there. She appreciates that I also own the house but that right now, that is her space and that if I need anything, to let her know and she will get it" I can relate to that and can see how it would have annoyed her. I just said Ok, sorry, I was just getting some clothes.
I obviously didn't say that I'd looked in the other drawer.
What I do know from that text is that my D15 couldn't help but tell her that I'd been in the bedroom though. She must have known it was going to stir things up. I think W has told all the kids to let her know if I go round there whilst she isn't there and to tell her what I was up to).

I said to the BF that the longer this S went on, the chances of an OM happening increase. Although W has never been overly sexual and can go for weeks without ML, when we had troubles last year, it was 6 weeks and then she practically raped me! I'm not naive, there is only so long anyone can go. BF says that she isn't even thinking about anyone else and is just happy on her own. She has an electric friend in that drawer which BF has told her to use rather than do anything she may regret. She told me before that she's never used it on her own (it was something we would use when together) but maybe that was why the drawer was re-arranged as opposed to the wearing of the other things? Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. As it stands, I'm back to where I was in creating this OM, when they is no concrete evidence that there is one. I need to stop thinking about it.

Anyway, I ended up in absolute pieces with the BF. Not just about that, but about the whole situation. Iím really trying my best to keep strong (the mask on) but inside Iím a train wreck, and sometimes it has to come out. Iím so broken.
The BF said that W has literally flipped a switch inside and is happy as she is now (without me). She doesnít know if thatís going to change over the next few weeks or months but if she had to judge it now, it wonít.
She asked me if I even could carry on like this for another 5 months (which is what weíve initially said), and I said Iíd have to if thatís what it took. The truth is, I don't know if I can. The BF was asking me if I didnít think I should ďcut my lossesĒ now to save any further heartache, but I canít, I really donít want to. I have to try and give it every chance until there are none left.
That probably sounds like Iím being weak to people, I donít know.

She asked me what would happen if at the end of that time, W still says that she doesnít want to reconcile, and I can honestly say I donít know what will happen to me. Iím already absolutely crushed as it is. Not by the thoughts of an OM, just over everything.

There's a part of me that wants to say to W, "Look, is there any part of you that thinks things can be different between us and that we can reconcile at any point, because if not, we'll split now, sell the house and go our own ways".

The other part is telling me to not be so stupid in rushing to push her into a D when it's not what I want and that I should just carry on with the DB techniques until I feel I'm strong enough to face the worst outcome. Maybe in finding that strength she will see something attractive again.

The rollercoaster continues...

Barry



Last edited by Barry; 01/26/15 01:38 PM.

Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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HI Barry, sorry you are in such a bad place. I am not a vet but have been living with this for almost a year and almost 4 months since W left. Its really hard to see the person you love turn away from you but its happened. Your W that you knew is gone for now. She might come back one day but for now she is gone. The lady in her place doesnt see you as her H anymore. Try to think of an old girlfriend that you used to love but now you feel neutral towards her.

My W is far from cold and is texting, calling me, calling me sweetheart,etc but at the end of the day she left. She lives her own life now and I am not really a part of it.

Each step is hard to take but all you can do is work on you and sort out your life. What your W does or doesn't do is her choice. You have less than no control because anything you do will push her away.

As regard talking to her BF, I would not advise that. You said yourself its your W's bf. its really hard but you have to STFU to anyone connected to her. Your W knows how much you love her and is in no doubt you want her back. She is very comfortable in what she thinks about your feelings. Please listen to the vets because I feel I have gone way to far the other way and my W feels that I have no intention of her coming back regardless of what see wants.

Please take all I have said as coming from a non vet who can't sort out his own M but feels every inch of your pain.

Take care RD

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Hi RD,

Yes, I know the usual advice would be not to talk to W's BF, but we've also been friends for over 20 years too. Our family's go on holiday together and see each other most days etc. She has said that I can go see her to talk and if I need a shoulder to cry on, she would support me. She's also told me that she really does want us to get back together but that she can't influence W in any way.
I don't ask her to tell W anything or convince her in any way, that wouldn't be fair on her (obviously it wasn't very fair of me to ask her about an OM but I was in such a mess about it), and she doesn't tell me anything W is saying to her either.

You're right that my W is gone. She left over a year ago probably and was replaced by some weak imitation of her who was pretending to work on our R and M. I didn't realise that at the time, in fact, this imposter should get an Oscar for their performance.
Like most people's stories, I just thought that our issues were just the normal ups and downs of marriage, I didn't know she was tipping all the downs onto a scale and leaving them there.

Like my own, I hope your sitch improves RD, or that you are able to come to terms with it for your own sake and start to live again.

Barry


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Thanks Barry, I did'nt know about your R with W's BF. Still I would be mindfull. Thanks for the kind words. I am up some days and down others. Life goes on but *rap its hard.

Take care mate, RD

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